Whats happening, confused

[Confusedwithwhatsbeenhappening]

I've been on here such along time, avid nosey parker and rare poster.

But I come here today for... well basically a second opinion, clarity, an outside eye, in fact I don't even know what.

I'm a single parent, work full time trying to parent with a complete nightmare ex (a whole other thread which one day I'll post). Trying to scramble some adult time the best I can and balance everything to the best of my ability.

Well I met someone, been friends for years, awesome, loving caring, offers stability, loves my kids who also love and adore him. Yet there is side to him that I struggle with, I'm not sure struggle is the right word. More confused, hard to understand.

As in basically, he hurts me on occasion. Not all the time, it's kinda hard to explain without sounding like a bitch, as if I'm complaining about nothing but he does things like nips me. Like I said it sounds silly but he laughs, his friends laugh, even I laugh on occasion but it bruises and it hurts. It's nothing nasty or serious as such but it hurts me, I've told him but he still does it. However he's so loving, so tender, he's ace.

He has older kids than I do, grown ups in fact late teens. He likes to drink a beer at the pub with his mates and then I pick him up afterwards, not all the time but usually because that's not my thing. He watches the football on a Sunday but I'm more of a rugby fan. I'm not adverse to alcohol but I enjoy it with my friends, doing what I enjoy.

Well today I went round and he's ended up bursting my lip, I don't even know why or how, just a flap and mess about and I've got a fat lip and he's asleep now. With me sat here, trying to work out what the hell im going to say at work tomorrow.

It's bullshit, my entire post is tripe, I realise now that writing it is not even comparable to others and isn't even worth reading. Ergh I'm so stupid and I really have no idea what im asking.

Lulu it's not really, that's why it can take so long for somone in this situation to leave (if they ever manage to!)

The juxtaposition between the violent abusive partner and the person who loves (meant to) you and you love back is so confusing that many women (and men) just can't untangle just how bad it is until somthing so serious or somthing they can't possibly explain away happens that it forces them into seeing what would have been painfully obvious to see if the situation was happening to somone else

I'm sorry this thread is scary confused.
There will be lots of people here and agencies too who will want to help and advise you when your able and ready for it ok!
until then don't be scared to post ok

That's a really good point- it is a form of mental abuse. He is manipulating you and hurting you then loving you so intensely.

Don't want to sound nasty, but something about these posts just doesn't ring true...

No one, surely, minimises to that extent ?

My mothers spent my entire life+ minimising, defending, blaming herself, telling me I've 'remembered wrong'...

I'd like to think that too, naice

And I think some of them are started to get a rise from the mummies

However, the replies on threads like these can never be said enough times, IMO

Normally I read these threads with a cynical eye and often think "bullshit" but in this thread I can honestly hear and see myself 22 years ago saying exactly the same things. We broke up, he'd play nice, I'd take him back. One week later, here we go again. It took the afore-mention cereal-triggered punch in the face for me to accept the seriousness of my situation.

It's not my place to tell other posters what to say and I very rarely comment in this regard and I really don't want to insult anyone but

This is a very serious topic and there is a report button there to use if you feel it's not real. If it is real though what the poster might get from some of these comments is what is happening is so unbelievable that no one does belive me so I won't ever tell anyone again or the situation can't be how Iv described it.

These type of threads are very important . You never know who's reading them , someone may recognise themselves as being in the same situation and finally realise they need help.

This message cannot be repeated often enough.

I was thinking exactly the same thing Condensedmilk

Please leave. Don't listen to a word he says, or minamise or think this is no big deal.

The pinch was enough to walk. This is only going to get worse and worse.

OP, I'm hoping you're still reading.
I've been through this.
Small nips (pinches) on the inside of my arms,increasing in pressure until leaving bruises.
Leg squeezes leaving finger shaped bruises.
Lip biting whilst kissing which became neck biting which became breast biting. The harder the bite, the more it hurt, the more he enjoyed himself.
I could fill a page withe incremental changes but they all add up to one thing. A partner who inflicts pain upon you.
The longer you are in it, the more you will come to think of it as your fault. Contact WomensAid for a chat, you've got nothing to lose.xxx

Any Fucker I absolutely agree.
I wish I'd had this resource 20 odd years ago when I had a black eye 6 months before my wedding. Not that I didn't tell my friends and family, I did. But perhaps it's easier to "hear" things from totally non-invested third parties. In their hundreds.

To be fair, virtually every op like this needs simply directing to "Listen Up Everybody" which is stickied at the top of the relationships board

It pretty much covers everything

It is bang on the money, true. But I wonder if repetition from many unrelated (to oneself and each other) and uninvested people is more powerful somehow.

Anyhow, OP, I really hope you "hear" reality sooner rather than later. Life is precious and short and we all deserve consistent joy in our relationships.

I agree that the message behind all of this support is incredibly important and can't be repeated often enough, but there is something about the way these posts are written that doesn't quite ring true.

I hope I am right in a way, as I would hate to think that the OP is genuinely living through this. Maybe I have just read too many of these fake posts recently. I have reported it.

OP dump him. He's bad news. Flapping? Do you mean waving his hands around? Why would he be doing this? He was ranting at you obviously, as I can't think of any other reason for "flapping" his arms, and either accidentally or deliberately hit you on the lip. Why is he ranting at you over a Chinese meal (and why didn't he ask you what you wanted to eat before ordering the Chinese meal anyway!) and why you ignoring this? You can't be in his thrall so much as you say you "went round" - which I read to mean you went round his place. So you don't live together and presumably aren't dependent on him for money. Let him go.

Please LTB. You deserve better.

I think the thing that is most chilling, worse than your minimising even, is the fact that when this man hurts you, he does it deliberately, as if it's nothing, and without even being angry. I am very worried that he will escalate and you could end up dead .

No one, surely, minimises to that extent ?

Unfortunately the majority of abuse victims do and we need to understand and empathise with that rather than kicking them when they're down.

Worst case I've ever been involved with personally was a woman was held prisoner by her estranged husband for several days during which he repeatedly raped, tortured and beat her and forced her to eat her own excrement. He then drove her out to the countryside at night but she managed to escape from his car and was picked up by a passer-by who took her to a police station with the ExH in pursuit. When he was arrested a shovel and bags of lime were found in the boot of his car so quite clear what his intention was. He was charged on numerous counts, any one of which had him going away for a very long time. On the first day of his trial, some months later, it was revealed that she had resumed her relationship with him and was refusing to give evidence for the prosecution. The case collapsed because of that.

That is an example of extreme minimising but sadly not unique. However, I don't personally like the term minimising because, to me at least, it implies some fault on the part of the victim. I prefer to think of it in terms of them having had the abusive behaviour normalised. They need time and compassionate support to undo that normalisation, not anything that might be perceived as criticism.

That's shocking HerOtherHalf that poor woman .

There are so many complicated reasons for minimising ( we need to find another word ) , unless you have been in an abusive relationship it can be incomprehensible to outsiders that a woman would stand by her abuser, but they do.

How many of us have had a black eye and told work colleagues we walked into a cupboard ? I remember laughing it off as a 'clumsy me' type thing.

It is easy for people to be disbelieving that abused men and women can't see what is happening to them but I see it as the more someone 'minimises' the worse the abuse is that they are suffering.

That's so horrible OtherHalf and hard to believe that it's happening in Britain. That poor lady.

I don't actually think the OP is minimising that much. I quite believe that it was a fairly minor incident - not trying to trivialise it all because assault is assault no matter how you dress it up and it's the little things that build up over a long period, stealthily. I believe OP genuinely believes it was trivial and an accident. But as I said in my earlier post it was enough to get her thinking and wondering "is this right?"

I think it's going to take a few more split lips, bruises and bite marks for the OP to see this bully for what he is.

CondensedMilkSarnies

I confess I may be a bit of a pedant but for me mimimising implies something the victim does themself, whereas normalisation is done primarily by the abuser.

CondensedMilkSarnies Yep, I got married and only left when he hit me in public in front of friends. It's as if I had to wait for others to see it to finally act.
The mixture of shame, fear, guilt coupled with sub zero self esteem was strong and that's what was behind any minimising I did.

HerOtherHalf that's a good way of looking at it .

I hope this thread stands, if only because these things do happen and others may read and relate to it.
As for flapping, I too read flailing "Gallavich". Wondered when someone would twig.

OP, the reason he loves your children is because they're under his control. God help if you have a daughter who answers back. She might get a split lip too.
The person up thread, sorry I forget who, said "You don't know people until behind closed doors" is so right.

Bung him out and join friendship groups where the pressure is off to shack up together. There's Spice and Gingerbread for you and the children. For you there is "Meet Up" for some adult company.

Please come back and let us help you. You are not alone or a failure because there's no man in your life, but a great resounding success!