Whats happening, confused

[Confusedwithwhatsbeenhappening]

I've been on here such along time, avid nosey parker and rare poster.

But I come here today for... well basically a second opinion, clarity, an outside eye, in fact I don't even know what.

I'm a single parent, work full time trying to parent with a complete nightmare ex (a whole other thread which one day I'll post). Trying to scramble some adult time the best I can and balance everything to the best of my ability.

Well I met someone, been friends for years, awesome, loving caring, offers stability, loves my kids who also love and adore him. Yet there is side to him that I struggle with, I'm not sure struggle is the right word. More confused, hard to understand.

As in basically, he hurts me on occasion. Not all the time, it's kinda hard to explain without sounding like a bitch, as if I'm complaining about nothing but he does things like nips me. Like I said it sounds silly but he laughs, his friends laugh, even I laugh on occasion but it bruises and it hurts. It's nothing nasty or serious as such but it hurts me, I've told him but he still does it. However he's so loving, so tender, he's ace.

He has older kids than I do, grown ups in fact late teens. He likes to drink a beer at the pub with his mates and then I pick him up afterwards, not all the time but usually because that's not my thing. He watches the football on a Sunday but I'm more of a rugby fan. I'm not adverse to alcohol but I enjoy it with my friends, doing what I enjoy.

Well today I went round and he's ended up bursting my lip, I don't even know why or how, just a flap and mess about and I've got a fat lip and he's asleep now. With me sat here, trying to work out what the hell im going to say at work tomorrow.

It's bullshit, my entire post is tripe, I realise now that writing it is not even comparable to others and isn't even worth reading. Ergh I'm so stupid and I really have no idea what im asking.

Op look at these links please

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/image-files/367x359xcycle.jpg.pagespeed.ic.0C-TLkVuPM.jpg

You tick at least 2 of these

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

Perhaps you're confused because he doesn't seem to be hurting you in anger?

It doesn't matter. He's physically hurting you. Protect yourself, because nobody else will.

Your self esteem is rock-bottom. I can tell by the way you've written this.

He is abusing you. He's taking advantage of your low self-esteem to hurt you and pass it off as 'a joke', 'nothing', 'your fault'.

He's a cruel fucker and you must get away.

So sorry, OP. You are worth so much more than this.

Or is he angry? I have no idea what 'he was flapping' and then you were 'flapping' actually means.

Are you slapping each other?

Flapping? You should stop changing words to minimise impact. Did he hit you? Was your fat lip due to him hitting you in anger at you not eating Chinese.

It doesn't matter if you shouted at him. It doesn't matter if you were even a massive bitch swearing and name calling. You should never have been physically violent to you. You need to wake up to what he is doing.

You're in denial.
He smacked you in the mouth because you wouldn't eat a takeaway. That is very, very abusive.
He pinches you hard enough to bruise you.
He's a dangerous abuser and you need to open your eyes and get away from him.

'I went for a shower, he came up flapping, I flapped, I got a busted lip.'

I have no idea what that sentence means. But I know you need to stop focusing on the Chinese and why you don't eat it, stop using weird euphemisms like flapping and nipping, and stop minimizing what is going on here by using odd language and very vague descriptions to explain that he is being physically abusive towards you. You don't just 'get' a busted lip. Someone usually has to hit you or push you into a door or elbow you in the face or something for that to happen. See where I'm going with with this? I have no idea what flapping is but I'm pretty sure it never busted anyone's lip.

Please explain what you mean by flapping?

So to summarise he hit you in the face because you wouldn't eat the Chinese he'd paid for?

Using a word like flapping minimises this OP. He hit you.

You need to break up with him. Are you in your house? He leaves and never comes back.

He. Doesn't. Love. You.

I know this because you don't hit the woman you love.

He.Doesn't.Love.Your. Children.

I know this because you don't hit the mother if children you love.

As to what to say at work tomorrow. You say "x hit me and I threw his arse out"

Please take care of yourself.

You're not using words that people recognise...
nipping (= pinching? Biting during sex?)
and flapping?

No one is really 'getting' your description of what's going on.

This is significant. I think it's because you don't know how to describe what's happening, because you're confused yourself about what's happening.

Maybe you want to convey the 'playful' or cutesy kind of 'oh it's his thing' tonality you are being fed. And the real words for it perhaps sound too strong, too accusatory... they don't fit either, right?

Except it's not cute or 'a thing' is it? It's horrible and you don't like it and the results are not in any way cute or romantic or loving or teasing.

I think maybe you don't know how to close the gap between what he's telling you is happening, (& what you hope is happening), with what is really happening.

Hence the word play.

I'm thinking all this as I've been in this moment, stuck not knowing how to say it, how to explain it. And because I didn't get it right, I minimised it so much, people didn't hear what I was telling them. So I didn't get the right advice for a long time.

I hope you can come back and share things using words that aren't trying to hide what he's doing. Just describe it, very plainly, and try not to edge away from words that sound too 'big'. After all, you having a split lip is big, isn't it? It's not easy to get one, no matter how many bird impressions are happening (!)

I'm so confused, you are trying to say that it's your fault that he split your lip open? Do you understand that's not possible? You can't be responsible for him doing this to you. That's logically not possible.

Why do you keep calling it "flapping"? A grown adult man has broken your face open??? It doesn't matter what he or you thought the reason for it was...? He has assaulted you, this is criminal behaviour.

You can't stay in this relationship op. Whether he loves you or not, whether he's mostly nice or not, none of that is the issue, he has assaulted you, if you don't leave him it'll only get worse from here? Surely you see that??

Please stop saying he's "flapping", it's making me feel sick the way you are pretending that it's not a problem that he has literally broken your lip by his own hand, it's absolutely appalling and you need to get away from him. Call it what it is, assault, physical abuse.

I don't know what you mean by flapping either but he hurt you. I think using the word flapping to mean he hit you is your way of minimising. Also agree how vulnerable you were as you were naked. What a horrible pig. And to do it in front of others too?

Having to go into work and explain your injury away will be awful but please don't allow yourself to have to do it again.

I still don't understand 'flapping' - do you mean you were hitting each other and he hit you harder??

Oh dear.

He sounds deranged. He's going to explode soon. Best you be out of this relationship before that occurs.

Please please OP stop minimising what he's done to you. It's not your fault! You should never have to do something you don't want to do just to stop the other person hurting you in any way (physical or emotional.)

Why on earth would you eat something you don't like - just to avoid getting a fat lip?

I'd be calling the police and asking them to get his pathetic arse far, far away from me for good

You are using the word 'flapping' but in the way you describe events, it sounds like he hit you. If that's what happened, then say so. If you can't even bring yourself to use the word, then you know full well that what's happened is not ok.

It sounds trivial when you minimise it but....... that's how it starts. A nip here, a wee 'tickle' there. The next thing you know you're getting punched in the face for taking too much cereal at breakfast time.

Please finish with him now. Today. Not tomorrow or next week. This morning. He won't change, he will get worse and he will try and talk you round by being Mr Nice Guy until you forget why you finished with him in the first place. Trust everybody on here that tells you the same - we speak from bitter experience.

You are making a tiny molehill out of a great big mountain.

OP - reading your first post, I thought it was solely going to be about the "nipping". And I would have found even this on its own disturbing enough to de-lurk and tell you that such behaviour is unacceptable and will certainly escalate.

By the end of your post, it's clear that it already has.

OP - what do you think a violent abuser looks like, sounds like, acts like? They're not pantomime villains. I've had professional relationships with some abusers who may never be released from prison, their crimes were so appalling. They can seem perfectly likeable, perfectly pleasant. An abuser can most certainly be "loving and tender" on occasion (why else would you be finding this confusing?), but this doesn't negate the abuse or make it any less significant.

This man has deliberately hurt you and continues to hurt you despite your protests (and his foul friends are abusers by proxy). Now he's hurt you more significantly and you're still worried that you're "venting", "making mountains out of molehills"..?

OP - if you stay with this man, he will try to kill you. He may well succeed. Two women in the UK/Wales are killed by a partner or ex-partner every week. Please, please, don't add to this statistic.

You asked for "clarity, an outside eye" - well, here it is. He is going to try to kill you. Leave. Now.

"They can seem perfectly likeable, perfectly pleasant. "

Absolutely! Many would describe my dad as a 'good bloke', he's articulate, funny, charming, tells a good anecdote... Talks as if he dotes on mum in company

When I disclosed to some close friends as an adult what my childhood had been like, they were genuinely very shocked.

Graphista, I read your PP and my heart goes out to you. I hope you have found peace and security in your own life.

Yes to a degree. Being single helps! I don't really trust men.

Jeez OP please get away and never see or speak to this awful person again. Please keep yourself and DC safe.

The thought of my DH being hurt or in pain causes me anguish, like you must feel about your children being hurt. He feels the same about me. He would never, ever cause that pain (except completely accidentally). Find a partner who feels that way for your own safety.

Good luck

Nobody would blame you for that, Graphista! There are some genuinely good ones about, but they're sadly not easy to find...! I hope your mum finds her own peace as well.