Whats happening, confused

[Confusedwithwhatsbeenhappening]

I've been on here such along time, avid nosey parker and rare poster.

But I come here today for... well basically a second opinion, clarity, an outside eye, in fact I don't even know what.

I'm a single parent, work full time trying to parent with a complete nightmare ex (a whole other thread which one day I'll post). Trying to scramble some adult time the best I can and balance everything to the best of my ability.

Well I met someone, been friends for years, awesome, loving caring, offers stability, loves my kids who also love and adore him. Yet there is side to him that I struggle with, I'm not sure struggle is the right word. More confused, hard to understand.

As in basically, he hurts me on occasion. Not all the time, it's kinda hard to explain without sounding like a bitch, as if I'm complaining about nothing but he does things like nips me. Like I said it sounds silly but he laughs, his friends laugh, even I laugh on occasion but it bruises and it hurts. It's nothing nasty or serious as such but it hurts me, I've told him but he still does it. However he's so loving, so tender, he's ace.

He has older kids than I do, grown ups in fact late teens. He likes to drink a beer at the pub with his mates and then I pick him up afterwards, not all the time but usually because that's not my thing. He watches the football on a Sunday but I'm more of a rugby fan. I'm not adverse to alcohol but I enjoy it with my friends, doing what I enjoy.

Well today I went round and he's ended up bursting my lip, I don't even know why or how, just a flap and mess about and I've got a fat lip and he's asleep now. With me sat here, trying to work out what the hell im going to say at work tomorrow.

It's bullshit, my entire post is tripe, I realise now that writing it is not even comparable to others and isn't even worth reading. Ergh I'm so stupid and I really have no idea what im asking.

It's fairly obvious that his hand came into contact with your lip OP.

That's not a disagreement.

You posted because you've heard warning bells several times now, you need to start taking this seriously.

OP I don't mean to sound blunt but I'm a bit confused as to what you were hoping to hear from people when you posted last night? I think without exception every poster has raised concern about your situation and has recognised the signs of domestic abuse that seem to be going on in your relationship and yet you are still minimising what happened.

Please read your post again and try to imagine it was a friend who had written it and not you. Forget the good bits and only focus on the bad and then see what conclusion you'd come to if someone else had written what you have. The concerns people have for you are genuine and many of these women have had similar experiences so they know what they're talking about. Please try to take a step back from your situation and look at it without making excuses for his behaviour because there are no excuses that justify splitting someone's lip ever. His hand should never have been anywhere near your face.

He hit you. When you accept that you can start to sort out the situation.

My DH and i have been together for 15 years. He has never bruised me and we have had plenty of disagreements. If he ever split my lip i would leave immediately. But then it would be so shocking that it would be easy, as it would be utterly out of the blue, not the frog in boiling water that you are in.

Just to wade in on the side of the OH... nipping = pinching in local dialect (Yorkshire). It's quite widely used and confused the hell out of me when I first moved here...

On the side of the OP...bloody fat fingers.

As to the word flapping, it's hard to explain without making the situation sound so much worse than what it was.

He split your lip. I don't think you need to worry about making it sound worse than it was.

We argued but there were no raised voices, more a disagreement. It ended as quickly as it started.

And yet he was agitated and angry enough to make aggressive physical contact in a way that split your lip.

I've obviously seen him this morning and we talked, he's apologised profusely he didn't realise he'd made contact and split my lip. It looks fine, as if I've just bit my lip and the Chinese is in the bin.

He didn't realise he'd made contact? Did you not tell him at the time?

In the heat of the disagreement, he basically caught my face. I don't really want to say hit or smack as it wasn't hard. It's superficial, I'm okay, I was just venting last night.

But just before this you said:

We argued but there were no raised voices, more a disagreement. It ended as quickly as it started.

So which was it? A minor disagreement with no raised voices doesn't usually result in someone making aggressive physical contact.

Of course it's possible that he could have caught your face entirely by accident, but we all know the difference between a genuine accident and voluntary/deliberate act, even if the force was far more than was intended. This wasn't entirely accidental. If it was, you wouldn't have been posting on here about it.

Even if he was waving his arms around to make a point or something and he ended up hitting you in the face by accident that's still abusive.
He still followed you into the shower to berate you for not eating food you don't like. He still got angry enough about it that his flailing hand struck you in the mouth hard enough to split your lip. Even if it was accidental, it was still abusive. He shouldn't have been shouting and waving his arms in your face over anything, least of all an uneaten meal.

OP - I posted before that I would have been concerned enough about the "nipping" alone to de-lurk and tell you to leave. He's been hurting you, knowing that he's hurting you, and disregarding you telling him to stop.

And now this.

What worries me even more is the way in which you are minimising what is going on - every single poster is screaming at you to GET OUT and you're telling us it was nothing, a mere over-reaction on your part - the poster above who used the "frog in boiling water" analogy is spot on.

You do not end up with a split lip in a "disagreement" over food. You end up with a split lip because a verbal disagreement turned physical. You end up with a split lip because a despicable, gaslighting, violent piece of shit has hit you in the face.

I will say this again: This is just the start. This man will eventually try to kill you. Leave.

My ex used to do exactly this. He'd pinch me, dead arm me, he'd also do this thing where if I wasn't looking at him he'd hold his fist up and then call my name really urgently, I'd swing my head round and his fist would hit me.

He punched me in the face twice during arguments but by that time he'd eroded my boundaries so much that I blamed myself instead of him.

I did eventually leave him but I should have left much sooner.

He either deliberately strikes you, hurting you, or he is so reckless with his behaviour that he doesn't care whether he strikes or hurts you. Either way, it's abuse, and it's criminal behaviour- he is a dangerous criminal.

Don't worry though, I'm sure when he accidentally breaks your neck that will be just a bit of 'flapping' too.

Get away from this man and if you won't protect yourself, then at least protect your children from him.

When I argue with people, I don't wave my hands aggressively around near their face. I talk, with my hands at my sides. I wouldn't be able to split someone's lip, accidentally or otherwise. He came up doing this while you were in the shower, angry that you wouldn't eat something he knows you dislike. He chose to make his anger physical. And talk about controlling - what's it to him whether you eat Chinese food or not? There's nothing there that's reasonable, kind or loving. And a lot that's worrying.

How many bruises are acceptable? Where's the tipping point?

Now he knows he can get away with hitting you in the face it will be harder next time

I was so incredulous last night that I didn't actually post my similar experiences. My ex-h used to do this to an extent, pinching (you know, inner thigh, under arms where it REALLY hurts), joke "slapping", laughing loudly while doing so. I remember one occasion where he slapped my backside SO hard that I had a hand shaped bruise on it for two whole weeks. I remember showing it to the girls at the gym and being surprised at their faces while I laughed it off saying "he doesn't know his own strength" .

He had an affair and left. After that, he assaulted me violently in front of our then two year old son. Completely denies it to this day to the "outside world" despite admitting to it under arrest and receiving a caution for common assault. Later on, my eldest child, his SD had a nervous breakdown, it was because of this and the intervention of CAMHS that I discovered he'd assaulted her violently, minimised it and then gave her £500 (to shut her up IMO). She was 14. I was horrified and remain riddled with guilt that I didn't know.

Men like this don't change, it's not an "accident" or a "joke", it's just the start. I hope you listen to this OP and stop minimising what is clearly a very dangerous situation.

uhm. this is weird. i would think long and hard about continuing this relationship. but I'm not entirely clear at what you are getting at either.

It's not about whether or not you should like chinese takeaway. Or whether or not it was flapping. You are minimising and deflecting here.

He wanted to force you to eat something you hate. To the point where you got a burst lip and are now feeling guilty that you should have eaten it. Ok, so next time, you'll eat the chinese, wont you? Because now he's shown you what he will do if you don't. And this will apply to everything in your life. When you don't go to bed at the time he wants you to go. When he wants sex and you don't.

Talk to someone in Women's Aid.

I feel bad for you Confused because it seems like we're all ganging up on you and railroading you into dumping this arsehole. I know how it feels when you're getting backed into a corner - you start getting defensive and pissed off at all these people yelling at you and telling you what to do.

Please take a deep breath, have a think about what you've read on here and the advice you've been given and really think about why you posted here in the first place. I get it. You were scared and confused when you posted, now that the dust has settled, you've forgotten how scared and confused you were. You now regret posting. Well, you did the right thing. You recognised what was happening at the time, now you need to keep reminding yourself of how you felt when you first posted. Because that feeling will be back. And probably sooner than you imagine.

Great post PurpleNurple69. Think back to last night OP and the reasons why you posted in the first place. You obviously had concerns then that you need to remember and listen to now.

I agree with Purple too..

EVEN IF the bust lip WAS an accident (which I don't believe)

He

Pinches you hard enough to bruise you

Has IGNORED your requests to STOP this

Has his friends LAUGH at him abusing you

BITES you during sex WITHOUT your consent (which by the way is a marker for sexual sadism which is what rapists get off on)

DISMISSES your feelings and requests

Tries to make you do things you DON'T want to

Please please contact women's aid, I also think checking with police re Clare's law is an excellent idea, I'd lay money he's done this before.

What has he said about why his previous relationships ended? How long did they last? How old is he? Does he have kids and if so does he have access?

Please OP, LTB. Run and don't look back.

He is abusive towards you, it will only escalate. leave him now.

OP I am actually wondering if this is a real thread. You are blithely choosing to ignore everything and dismiss it all as you over reacting. It is unbelieveable!

what would you tell your daughter

Mum, my lovely boyfriend, well we got a take ways and I didn't fancy it and he got angry and we fought and he smacked me and it bust my lip. But I deserved it didn't I?

no you didn't ducking deserve it!!!

You had me at "he bites me during sex".

You are minimising!

Everyone here is saying he is assaulting you. You get bruises, you got a split lip they don't sound accidental or rare.

You don't want this. He doesn't respect your boundaries - trying to force feed you food you don't like.

You are worth so much more

I really don't understand how someone could hit someone else hard enough in the face to burst their lip and not realise they've made contact. Apart from anything else, that entails a violent blow against a hard object, namely either the teeth or the jaw - how could you possibly not know?

Plus, of course, you acknowledge that he is repeatedly pinching you hard enough to leave bruises despite you asking him not to. That is very clear assault.