Whats happening, confused

[Confusedwithwhatsbeenhappening]

I've been on here such along time, avid nosey parker and rare poster.

But I come here today for... well basically a second opinion, clarity, an outside eye, in fact I don't even know what.

I'm a single parent, work full time trying to parent with a complete nightmare ex (a whole other thread which one day I'll post). Trying to scramble some adult time the best I can and balance everything to the best of my ability.

Well I met someone, been friends for years, awesome, loving caring, offers stability, loves my kids who also love and adore him. Yet there is side to him that I struggle with, I'm not sure struggle is the right word. More confused, hard to understand.

As in basically, he hurts me on occasion. Not all the time, it's kinda hard to explain without sounding like a bitch, as if I'm complaining about nothing but he does things like nips me. Like I said it sounds silly but he laughs, his friends laugh, even I laugh on occasion but it bruises and it hurts. It's nothing nasty or serious as such but it hurts me, I've told him but he still does it. However he's so loving, so tender, he's ace.

He has older kids than I do, grown ups in fact late teens. He likes to drink a beer at the pub with his mates and then I pick him up afterwards, not all the time but usually because that's not my thing. He watches the football on a Sunday but I'm more of a rugby fan. I'm not adverse to alcohol but I enjoy it with my friends, doing what I enjoy.

Well today I went round and he's ended up bursting my lip, I don't even know why or how, just a flap and mess about and I've got a fat lip and he's asleep now. With me sat here, trying to work out what the hell im going to say at work tomorrow.

It's bullshit, my entire post is tripe, I realise now that writing it is not even comparable to others and isn't even worth reading. Ergh I'm so stupid and I really have no idea what im asking.

My dd 'flaps'. She has autism. How does a grown man 'flap'? Do you mean a bot snappy?

A bit slappy dyac.

Where's your line? A bit punchy? A bit throttly? A bit bleedy?

Flaps, it's hard to explain, he came upstairs wanting me to eat the Chinese, I don't eat it for reasons explained earlier. He flapped, I got a fat lip, I should have just eaten it.

Clem, he nips with fingers but he does bite too, I was referring to fingers, teeth is only when he's excited.

Apologies, excited sounds porny. When having sex.

No, you are an adult, YOU get to decide what you eat, not him. If he bought something you don't like (which by the sounds of things he should probably know if he actually listens to you), then you simply say you're sorry, not your thing, but thank you for the thought?

Does he hit the children if they don't eat what they want him to eat?

He is abusing you. Leave him, this will escalate.

What he wants them to eat, I mean, sorry...

Decide what to do next by this not being your tale but someone else telling you what is happening. The choose by how you would advise.

Yeah. You mean slappy. He slaps and pinches you. And likes to bite you during sex.
He gave you a fat lip.

I think the OP is minimising 'having a fight' or 'starting an argument' by calling it flapping. OP that is awful and totally unacceptable, punching you in the face because you didn't want to eat Chinese?

YOU DON'T EVER HAVE TO EAT THE FUCKING CHINESE. You NEVER have to do something you don't want to with a partner.

FFS. Get rid and don't look back. Ace and loving my arse.

No no no no no. You were right not to eat it. No reasonable adult expects another to eat food they dislike just to keep the peace. You should never have to do things like that to keep him happy. And you could be all the bitches under the sun but it still wouldn't justify him hurting you physically, EVER.

So you are in the shower and he comes up and starts insisting you eat Chinese food that he know you don't like then hits you when you say you don't want it? You are being terribly abused and need to get out of this situation. Spend your time at work to figure out how you can rather than making excuses for him and what he has done

He's basically eroding your boundaries a bit at a time. Imagine if he'd bust your lip on your first date over a Chinese takeaway - you'd have run a mile I expect, but by gradually working away at you, testing you with wee nips to see how you react, or in situations where you feel uncomfortable reacting, he's wearing those boundaries away.

He's got you thinking this is your fault?! Why? Because you didn't want to eat food you don't like? Im sorry to say I don't think his behaviour will stop at this - where will you draw the line?

You obviously feel something isn't right or you wouldn't be posting. I know you say you've known him for years but people can be very different behind closed doors...

He is normalising this behaviour by doing it in front of others like its a joke, like when we were teens and we would flick someone's ear or gave someone a dead arm or some such harmless but painfull "joke" and everyone laughed at how annoyed they got. (I didn't do that but it's a common teen thing)

The thing is though it's absolutely not normal or ok. He is slowly showing you that he can hurt you and you will be overreacting if you complain.
He has begun to use others ways of control like insisting you eat food you don't want, it's escalating confused stop it now before it traps you.

Step right back and think if a stranger/acquaintance did this to me would I be ok with it, or if somone did this to my child would I be ok with it probably not! so it's not fucking ok to have it done by someone who's meant to love and respect you

Sorry, let me just get this clear in my head :

He buys Chinese, you don't want it.
He's pissed off that you have not eaten the Chinese so comes upstairs and "flaps" (slaps, backhands?) your face and splits your lip!
You say it's your fault and you're a "dick".

What the actual fuck?

Firstly, it takes some kind of "flap" to split somebody's lip.

Secondly, he bites you during sex and nips you with his fingers at other times, causes pain and bruising and continues to laugh about it even though you have asked him to stop.

Yet you're the dick?

I don't think I have ever come across anybody minimising a massive red flag situation as much as this.

This man is a danger to you and your kids.

Also - you were in the shower?!! So really in a very vulnerable position. Are you in his house? I'd leave now to be quite honest.

Oh Please. It's DV. Don't excuse it. It's not yor fault. He's an abuser. Get out and don't go back.

Totally agree with the posters who have said he's "normalising" it, particularly in front of others. This is so when you have massive black eye or your arm in a cast or one of your kids has a black eye and an arm in a cast, everybody can laugh and say "oh he's SO FLAPPY and CLUMSY" and all carry on laughing because it's what he DOES, right??

He's already zapped your confidence, you started out describing yourself as "stupid", "such a dick", "it's my fault, I should have eaten it"...at the first sign of other posters showing you what this man is doing you say "I'm making a mountain out of a molehill".

Are these all things he says to you when he's "flapped" or "nipped" and injured you? Please OP, get the hell out of this relationship and take your kids with you...please.

PLEASE GET OUT NOW!

Get a taxi and go home right now!

This is almost EXACTLY how my father started on my mum! He 'introduced' himself to her by 'playfully' slapping her bum! While they were dating he would continue to do this, pinch her bum, nip her arms and legs, slap her 'lightly and playfully' if she said something 'stupid' on one date he wanted to feed her some of his meal, she didn't want to try it and he 'playfully' grabbed her and 'fed' her some which resulted in her coughing and choking (it's told as if it's an amusing anecdote ffs)

The first time he hit her 'properly' was a few days after learning she was pregnant after they'd married. She'd asked him to make her a cup of tea - he slapped her for being 'lazy and useless'.

It got worse over the years and at worst included several episodes of her choking her.

They're still together, he's disabled now and no longer able to physically abuse her but continues to emotionally and financially abuse her and as this has been going on for almost 50 years she's utterly beaten down by it all.

DON'T become like my mum please!

Him choking her I mean of course

So are you saying he hit you as a reaction because he wanted you to eat a Chinese meal and you didn't want to? Or do you mean by "flapping" that he was generally flailing around as some sort of reaction to that fact? Neither sort of conduct is acceptable - any form of deliberate hitting certainly isn't, nor is "flapping" in annoyance when it results in you having a burst lip. It's a particular concern that his reaction to your inability to eat the meal was such that he pursued you into the shower trying to make you do so and got physical around you at a time when you were obviously more vulnerable.

It also is absolutely not acceptable to nip you painfully when you have made it clear that it is painful and you want him to stop. He's completely disregarding your wishes, and it sounds unfortunately as if he gets pleasure out of this which he puts well above your wellbeing. Any normal man would be horrified if he has caused bruises to his partner, he certainly wouldn't be laughing about it.

It seems to me that, far from making a mountain out of a molehill, you are desperately trying to minimise his conduct and make a molehill of what is in fact a massive great mountain.

If you're familiar with MN, you should also be familiar with the fact that all too many abused women cling on to their partners' occasional bursts of apparently loving and caring behaviour whilst minimising the effects of abuse and violence. It never ends well. Please get out for your own and your children's sake and don't see this nasty man ever again. You deserve much better.

Oh Op , you sound as if he has completely brainwashed you . You are in an abusive relationship . You are a victim of domestic violence .

How did he react when he saw he had hurt you ? How can he sleep knowing he has given you a fat lip?

Please get out .