Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Keep strong, remember you are in shock and it will effect you physically. Try not to get into an argument over him with MIL. I'm sure she is devastated by what he has done.

He's being very agreeable in texts. About seeing them today I said about not telling DD too much yet and he said "if that's how you want to do it". He keeps deflecting every question back to me asking how I want to do things or what I think. I don't know if he's trying not to cause conflict but it comes across that he just doesn't give a fuck.

Yes listen to your parents they know you best out of anyone. He probably hasn't been like this for 12 years but people change. Some grow together and some grow apart. Others grow into arse holes like your H I am so sorry x

I've taken my wedding ring and engagement ring off.

He bought me an eternity ring for my birthday just before Christmas. It's being resized, I don't even have it yet. What a fucking joke.

Is your MIL still there? Don't take any shit about your DD not taking a.bottle; you must be really proud of yourself for establishing bf with a premmie baby and keeping it going for so long - and so you should be. Don't even entertain giving up before you're ready just so the mother of your cheating husband can feel helpful - unless it suits you to do so, of course.
Everything you say makes you come across as a sensitive, intelligent, articulate person and no one should be trying to minimise your feelings at this stage.

MIL has gone.

He's been in touch about tonight and on telling him that he'd need to be gone by 6.30 so I can get DD2 to bed he responded "so I'll get no time at all with them". If it matters that much to you then leave work early, he doesn't normally work Friday afternoons anyway. He knows that time they go to bed and he normally only gets a small amount of time with this in the evening by the time he gets home from work, so why/how does he think he'd get any longer tonight? Obviously I'm being made out to be the bad guy who is keeping him from his kids but he's the one who's caused this. He could've been with them every night if he wanted to be but he fucked that up. As is now his way, it's all about him. He doesn't care what is best for both DDs which is to keep their routine as much as possible to minimise the impact on them. It's not about him!

What a piece of work. Unfortunately for him your head is screwed on and your priorities are in the right place. Does he think you should ne prioritising his 'needs' over theirs? Sorry, silly question.

Why do they all turn into these arseholes???
It's so feckin' predictable and tedious it's untrue.
Send him 'the script' let him read and inwardly digest.
I sent it to my recently turned ExP.
I've no idea if he read it.
If he can't get to you early then he can't see the DC. It's simple.
Don't listen to his crap about keeping him from his DC.
That's all in 'the script' as well.
He can see them tomorrow. I assume he doesn't work on a Saturday?
You are absolutely right about keeping their routine right now.
Stick with it. Keep saying no unless he's being reasonable and actually thinking about the DC.

Yes, he can see them tomorrow. DD1 has a birthday party in the afternoon which if still like her to go to so I asked him if he'd like to take her to that. He said it wouldn't be fair if I didn't get to do that. I told him I don't really feel like it anyway. And then no further response about that so no idea what's happening. He's being so vague about everything it's really pissing me off. I wonder if he's expecting it to piss me off so I'll fly off the handle and then dialogue will be opened and he can say whatever bullshit he wants to say. But I'm really proud of myself that after the initial few texts I have only text him about practical things and not said anything unnecessary.

I know that DD1 will be distraught but she hasn't seen him since yesterday morning and even then she only saw him briefly because I got up early so he could have a lay in (fucking idiot that I am) and she has mentioned him and she has said "I want my Daddy?" but she seems okay. Maybe she will surprise me and accept it quite easily and adapt to the new way her life is.

Yep I recognise so much of this in DH , apart from the clinging to the end of the bed,,,,, that's me!!

I get what you mean, I have had this with my dh although he has stepped up lots when we had dc2. It's difficult as you both want time to yourself, time with the dcs and time together it's a very hard balance. I felt like dh life didn't change much but I never got time on my own in the early days. I know what you mean about getting angry when dh asks for time away to himself whilst you have spent all week with dcs.
It's about compromise and making both of you happy. I let dh have his own space when he needed it, I think if you want him to be happy you need to but in return I asked for my space and to have time to myself too. We reached a compromise where we had a morning/afternoon each at the weekend. It's a phase with young children. Mine are 4 and 1 now and it gets easier

Oh OP I've just read the whole thing - sending you lots of good wishes xxx

I know I've said it before but thank you again for all of the lovely messages. This thread is my saviour at the moment.

And apologies for typing mistakes - I'm suitably ashamed of myself.

Ruby have you read all the OPs posts?
I suggest you do that.

You are perfectly entitled to make typing mistakes.
I hope it's helpful having your dad there?
Have you eaten anything this afternoon?

I've eaten half a sandwich. Not great but it's something.

I'm sent you a PM @hellsbellsmelons

Oh god, this is such a headfuck. I feel like I want to apologise to him for whatever it was I did or didn't do to make him stop loving me.

He won't have an answer - he really won't.
He had his head turned.
Re-read the script.
It's NOTHING YOU HAVE DONE!

He's hardly in a position to be complaining he isn't seeing the kids for enough time at this point. Stick to your guns op.
Dd will be ok.Kids are as you say very adaptable. And at 3 in an odd way it will have less impact than it might have done were she older.
Are you going to be there when he is? Can you go out for an hour or two to avoid him and just get out of the house a bit? You've done amazingly not to lose it with him so far-but seeing him with the kids might be hard at this point.Not that he doesn't deserve a few home truths, but save it for when you are stronger.

And...what hellsbells said-this isn't your fault.at all. You don't owe him an apology. Please don't give him one.

He's now not coming tonight because for whatever reason (I didn't ask) he can't get here til later and it will mess with their routine.

When he comes to see them I will leave, my Dad or my BIL will deal with the handover - both calm and level headed. The only exception to this is when he tells DD1 what is happening, I want to be here for her when that happens and I have asked his sister to also be here - that way he won't feel ganged up on by someone from my family but we will have a buffer. She is also very calm and collected and always the voice of reason. Once he has told DD I think he needs to leave shortly afterwards so she understands what is meant by his words. I'm not sure when this will take place, either tomorrow or Sunday I think.

I will re-read the script again later when both DDs are in bed. One question though - why do these men do this? What do they gain from it? And do they all ultimately regret it?

The hard answer is no they don't always regret it.lots do and lots more do but wouldn't admit it I suppose.
They must just cut off the part of them that has any empathy and that isn't focussed totally on themselves first I guess.
Admirable that you are worried about him feeling ganged up on-but again, tough really-he does need to be made aware that what he's doing here isn't going to be a piece of piss and will have unpleasant consequences.Dont feel too sorry for him op. This man isn't your friend anymore-I get that it's almost impossible at this point to start thinking like that-but that's the reality.
Have you got family with you this evening?

Sorry I know I sound harsh.But I had months of thinking my ex would stop being horrible, and would behave in the way the person I thought I knew would have.Nearly a year later and I've given up on that-but it would have been easier if I'd realised what I was now dealing with from the get go.