Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

3 years ago I was exactly where you are now. I never thought my DH would do that to me.

My children were 2, 5 & 6. They are absolutely fine. More than fine. They're happy, emotionally stable children who live with me most of the time and stay with Dad (and now Ow too, as they now live together) every other Sat. How you both act over the coming months will impact how smooth this is for them (easier said than done but please try to shield them from the inevitable hostility. Pretend to be 'friendly' when he's around, and eventually you'll be better for it. Fake it 'til you make it)

If you're the mom I think you are, your girls will be more than fine too. And so will you. You didn't make a bad choice, he was the right husband and father for you and your children; he just isn't that person now. Like me you'll never fully forgive, but he might go someway to redeeming himself depending on how he acts over the coming years (re access/payments etc).

I wish you luck for the future. Stay strong

I feel really sick. It's harder now both DDs are in bed. I don't have a distraction anymore, just the raw emotion.

I need to go to bed soon but I'm scared about being in bed alone with my thoughts. I'm actually looking forward to DD waking up so I have another focus.

So sorry to hear that. It's horrible to go through that. My ex did the same to me, luckily we didn't have kids. I am so much better off without him and eventually you will be happy to. It's hard with kids and being in this situation. But you will get through and will be so much stronger as a result!

Have you heard from him tonight

No I haven't. He hasn't even been in touch to ask about the girls. You'd think he'd at least pretend to give a shit. He's apparently sleeping in his office because he's got no where else to go.

I don't know if the OW knows that he's married and has kids. I went to get stuff out of the car earlier today (I don't drive so I assumed he'd take the car but he hasn't) and all of the kids stuff (hats, toys, bags etc) were all in a black bag in the boot. So I assume she's been in the car and he's hidden the fact he has children. He's probably taken his wedding ring off when he's seen her too. But on the other hand, this is someone connected with his work, in a particular community and for that community he arranged an event to raise money from Bliss (premature baby charity) in honour of DD1 and she and I both attended. So if this woman is involved in that I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't be aware that he had children.

Just a quick message to give you a virtual hug. I've been there and it's awful, although my kids were older when it happened. It really is a script - it's your fault, he felt trapped etc.
Focus on your girls and take as much as help as you can get. Please try not to worry too much about your eldest. Kids do accept a new kind of normal more easily than we do.
Try and eat. I remember that feeling of not being able to and I lost lots of weight in the first few months, obviously with you breastfeeding you need to try and keep up your energy levels. Protein drinks might be a short term solution.
And this is just me but from the beginning xh popped in to have them for an hour so I could exercise or he could put them to bed. He still does even though he is living with the ow now. I know this doesn't work for everyone though.
You will smile again I promise. Yes I still have feelings that my life isn't what I had planned and I do feel sad for the children, but they dont seem to.
It's so so hard but it will get better. It is going to be a bumpy road but please don't do it in your own. You don't need to do it on your own at this stage, you just need to get through the days and be kind to yourself.
Oh and lastly, when he tries to blame you, or criticise you, hold up a virtual mirror and reflect it back. It isn't you, it's him x

I know I must sound like a massive cliche but I never thought this would happen to me. This is so devastatingly awful. How can people treat other people like this?

I've just come up to bed just in time for DD2 to wake for a feed. It's nice to feel needed though. And it's very odd but I don't feel lonely because they're here. Even though they can be hard work in their own ways , they are my constant and I am theirs. I'm also glad they have each other. Growing up they will be able to visit their Dad together so they can support each other with any difficulties that arise as things go on.

I'm proud of myself for how I've dealt with today. I've wanted to shout a tirade of abuse at him and text him with questions or sarcastic comments to really hammer home what he's lost and what scum he is. But I haven't. Aside from my initial few texts when I found out, I have only text what is necessary and not entered in to a conversation about anything. It does feel overwhelming, what I will have to face in the coming weeks and months but I need to take it slowly and deal with things one thing at a time. I think I'm going to extend my maternity leave so that's one less thing to worry about (I'm meant to be going back in about a month). For now my concern is consistency for my children and ensuring that DD1 especially is okay. I've found a book which might be useful although I'm not sure I could bear to read it to her myself - I can ask a relative to read it with her. And I'm going to have a look in to play therapy. I'm also going to speak to her key person at nursery and make her aware of what's going on and see if she has any suggestions for how we can help her to manage and express her emotions. I'm going to contact the HV too to see if there's any additional support they can offer in terms of supporting DD and me as well. So far that's my plan - to make sure that we are all okay. My parents have offered to help financially if necessary and in any other way they can. Hopefully I won't need that but it's good to know I have that as a back up if necessary.

I need to sleep but I really don't want to have that feeling when I wake up.

You are a brilliant mummy. He is a not so great dad as imo a man with kids who cheats is cheating on the family not just the wife.

He has obviously wanted to see if the grass was greener and its cost him big time I really hope you stay strong. Please don't do the pick me dance he is it worth it.

The OW very well could know about you but it made them both feel better to clear the car of the kids stuff. Try not to think about her for now just focus on yourself. Be kind to yourself and take any support your mum and dad offer x

Just came across your text and I am so sorry how it has unfolded for you and your family.
You have been through so much alone and I'm so glad that you now have your parents to support you through this.
I do hope you get the rest you need tonight

Sorry I meant thread not text

When I lay down and close my eyes it's like a bullet to my stomach hitting me over and over again.

I just need to sleep.

Typical, both DDs woke up at the same time. I'm so tired.

I hope you manage to get some sleep.

I'm going between hating him but feeling okay (ish) and feeling sick.

I got about 4 hours sleep. Still feel really tired.

I want to passively aggressively text him to say "your kids are fine by the way". I know nothing should surprise me now but I thought he at least cared about his children and would be wondering how they are. The temptation to text him is so strong but I don't want to open dialogue and I shouldn't have to make him care about his children.

Well done for not texting.
It's so hard not to though.
I know exactly how you feel.
Don't worry too much about sleep for now.
The adrenalin will get you through this first bit.
I don't think I slept for a month when I split with my ExH.
I needed sleeping pills in the end to get my body clock back on track.
Unfortunately you won't be able to do that while you are breastfeeding.
Just get through each hour for today.
I want to scream out for you.
That's something else that might help.
I used to go for walks in the woods and just scream and cry into the air.
Helps to get it all out.
Definitely keep your sugar levels up.
Ice-lollies are good as it's sugar and hydration and it's not solid.
I found it extremely hard to swallow things so liquid stuff is better for now.
If you can though, try some toast and butter.
Cry when you can, away from the girls.
You'll be amazed how many tears your body can create.
Some more for today.

He wants to see them today so I'm making arrangements. He asked what I expected him to say to her because she wouldn't understand cheating so I said he needs to tell her he won't be living with us anymore because he doesn't love Mummy but he still loves her and her sister and he'll still see them both. I know it's stupid but I wanted him to respond and say "it's not that I don't love you", but he didn't. I don't think he's even said sorry.

My Mum has gone to work and MIL is coming over in a little while. I fee shaky and sick. I want to sob but I can't while it's just me and the girls. I've put the TV on for DD1 because I don't feel I can function much.

This is the first time I've been on my own with the kids since I found out. I feel completely overwhelmed - I want to scream, cry, sob, vomit. How could he do this to us? DD1 has started saying "I want my Daddy". It's just so awful. This little girl fought so hard just to live. She was just over a kilo when she was born and had to be resuscitated at birth. At two weeks old and still less that 3lb she had sepsis. She has chronic lung disease as a result and had multiple admissions last year with pneumonia and viral induced wheeze. But she is still the happiest little girl. She is absolutely incredible. How could he do this to her? She deserves nothing but happiness. She's only 3 years old and she's already had to fight harder than most people do in a lifetime. You can't just destroy someone like that. There's only so much she can take, what if this is the thing that strips her of her happiness.

I'm so so sorry this has happened. I don't think you daughter needs to know more than that you are not living together at the moment, I know it's raw but the main thing is that they are reassured that both parents still love them. She is very young and I don't think it's helpful to go into detail with her in any way. Massive hugs though, I have been in a
Similar place and it's horrid. We will be here to support you

She will be fine, my son has adjusted well to having separated parents and though he had a difficult few months things have really settled down and he's happy and used to it all, and loved and cared for by both of us. It's not ideal but affects so many children these days and they will be fine.

Oh god I can't do this.

You can- you are so strong and you will get through. It's all new and so raw.

You can and you will do this!
Honestly.
Trust us all.
We have been there.
You will have many days when you feel like this.
But you do get through them.
Please believe us.
Just here hand holding for now and wanting to reach through the screen to give you a big massive (((((((((HUG)))))))))
I fuckin' hate men and the pain they can cause us!!!
Sit down, deep breaths, sugary tea.
Then try to distract yourself.

You can do this think of your two daughters if they are ever in this situation how you would want them to cope.

Fight for them you can't be happy within a few days but eventually you will be happy again

I can't stop myself from crying. I'm trying so hard because I don't want to cry in front of the girls but I can't stop it.

He has the cheek to sound pissed off with me in his texts.

DD1 has just started singing "it's a lovely day" to her sister and held her hand. Today really isn't little one.