Gutted I reacted so badly.

[C0rdelia]

My daughter had a weekend off and came home last night for the first time since Christmas. She rang from the train at 8.30. I asked if she had eaten and she said 'No'. I started cooking her some dinner (pasta, tuna, salad) and my OH started shouting at me for making food! I react badly to being shouted at and started sculling wine so by the time she got in I was very noticeably affected. I used to have a real problem with drink and make a point of not drinking at all when my children visit. First time home in months and she's seen me at my worst and took herself to bed. :-(

You were looking forward to a nice night with your dad.

This takes not reading the thread to a new level. :)

"Christ, what a self-righteous, judgemental shower of know-alls you are"

No, just being honest and trying to get the OP to stop lying to herself.

And as someone with a parent who was an alcoholic, unfortunaltely I am a bit of a "know-all" on this subject.

strygil - or just people who have experienced alcoholism and know that patting the OP on the hand and uttering platitudes are not at all helpful....

OP who is buying the alcohol? You know you should not drink and yet you started drinking before the argument when your daughter was coming home.
You need more than once a month counseling - your drinking is not under control because you manage to keep it a secret. Get the help you need to go dry, stop buying the alcohol then review if your relationships are still a problem.

Christ, what a self-righteous, judgemental shower of know-alls you are.

Nope, in fact I had to read the OP a couple of times to realise that it wasn't my 'd' m writing it! Been there, done that, surprised her by coming up for a weekend, gave her a few hours warning, she was shitfaced, barely able to speak. I've lived it for years, so let's not go there with the judgmental bollocks.

Christ, what a self-righteous, judgemental shower of know-alls you are.

More like people who have dealt with alcoholism at close proximity and actually know what they are talking about. Enabling an alcoholic to excuse their drinking and put the blame elsewhere is just about the most abusive and unhelpful thing you do for them.

Pps have two choices here.
Pat the OP on the back, and fully blame her OH.
Or help her take full responsibility for her drinking, which is essential if she doesn't want her life affected by alcohol. Hopefully, the OP will seek proper support and realise that "managing" an alcohol problem is just fooling herself.

If you have an alcohol problem you can't just have the occasional drink, because one drink leads onto the next...

You'd already had one large glass of wine knowing your daughter was coming to visit. The shouting by your OH, give you the perfect excuse to pour another. If the shouting hadn't occurred, what other excuse would have been used? Maybe a stressful day/week? There will always be excuses available. You need to stop justifying them to yourself and others.

I'd be looking at more support, more frequently. AA once a week on top of your monthly therapy session.

I would also look at your relationship with your OH. Because you shouldn't be tiptoeing around him.

Lweji Sat 18-Feb-17 10:00:00
"The problem is NOT having alcohol in the house.

What will the OP do at friends' or relatives' houses, or when going out.

The issue is that you should not be drinking AT ALL, OP."

The OP has already admitted she has an alcohol dependency. Surely that means she needs to develop a strategy for not drinking in different situations. At friends' and relatives' houses, a sensible strategy would be to TELL everybody that she has given up drinking as she has an addiction problem: then (if they are decent people) they will not serve her alcohol.

At home that strategy won't work as she serves herself. So it would seem a sensible strategy not to have the stuff lying around.

What she needs is openness and a well-thought out strategy for dealing with the addiction in different settings.

But some kind of testing herself by having alcohol in the house just because she won't be able to avoid it outside seems pointless and stupid: reminds me of some of the whackier medieval religious fanatics who used to test their chastity by lying naked in bed with naked women- absolutely no need and more than likely to end in disaster. If you are trying to stop yourself from doing something, why not at least make it as difficult as possible.

Yes, she needs to admit that she is an alcoholic. But admitting it, and admitting that the responsibility is hers, will not in itself cure the problem. Not drinking will cure the problem.

OP, have you tried detoxing and then going to rehab? There is no stopping you now that your DD has flown the nest. Having alcohol in the house is quite simply outrageous and reveals an absolute refusal to tackle your addiction.

I may be accused of victim blaming here, but may I suggest your OH is shouty because he's having to tolerate an addict who refuses to to stay sober even when her daughter is planning to come home?

Actually there's more than two choices here.

There's potentially a dh enabling an addiction by buying alcohol and making it accessible then using it to beat the op round the head with, and also an op who is still not in control of her addiction and chooses alcohol over her family.

It's not one or the other and at present from what I've read I'm going with the above. What I don't think will help anyone is going on at someone with a quite severe illness about relapsing. Op obviously knows clearly the impact of her drinking.

People are not "going on at someone" they are pointing out her lies and advising her to stop blaming others and get some help.

Seriously what do you expect posters to say "oh poor you, your H is abusive. Never mind you'll be ok."

There's potentially a dh enabling an addiction by buying alcohol and making it accessible

That's a red herring. It shouldn't be her OH responsibility to keep the OP away from alcohol. That's just blame shifting.

Perhaps some of you might want to advance search some if this posters previous threads.

Op obviously knows clearly the impact of her drinking.

She may know some of the impact, but she's still drinking large glasses "because" she had a long day.

Perhaps some of you might want to advance search some of this posters previous threads. So many different and unconnected problems. Sounds really tough.

It sounds to me as though there's a hell of a lot of minimising going on, OP.

When you say you'd had one large glass of wine before you started to cook for your daughter, what exactly do you mean? Do you really mean one glass or "not much"?

Was your husband aware you'd been drinking beforehand? Was that why he was shouting?

If you think he treats you badly, why don't you leave?

That's a red herring. It shouldn't be her OH responsibility to keep the OP away from alcohol. That's just blame shifting.

Ludicrous. You don't bring alcohol into an alcoholic's home, and expect them not to drink it. If you do, you're either ignorant, or cruel.

If you are in an abusive marriage, it doesn't help with your drinking problem, if you use drink to cope with it.
But the abuse didn't cause it and is still not a reason why you drink. You drink because you are choosing to drink.

If the marriage is abusive and you work, what's keeping you there? Talk to us.

You don't bring alcohol into an alcoholic's home, and expect them not to drink it

Why not?

Alcoholics can choose not to start drinking.

It helps not to have it at home, but enabling would be offering the OP a glass of wine and encouraging it to drink it, not having alcohol around.

It's said to those living with alcoholics: you didn't cause it, it's not your fault.

So Lweji, if your spouse was an alcoholic, you'd happily buy alcohol and have it in your home?

A link with advice about living with an alcoholic.

www.verywell.com/things-to-stop-if-you-love-an-alcoholic-67300

It doesn't say not to have drinks at home. Even in the enabling quiz.
But it does say to not blame yourself.

So Lweji, if your spouse was an alcoholic, you'd happily buy alcohol and have it in your home?

You realise that they can buy it themselves and hide it if they want?

The OP is using having alcohol at home as an excuse. Unless he is actively encouraging her to drink.

It doesn't say not to have drinks at home. Even in the enabling quiz.

Because that goes without saying. It's a no brainer.

So you would actually buy it for your home if you were married to an alcoholic?

Lweji, this thread is not about how to make the relatives of alcoholics stop blaming themselves: that is an important topic in its own right.

But this thread is about how the OP can stop drinking. She has a duty to do that, a duty towards herself and her husband and her dd. And as the evidence seems to suggest that having access to drink makes it impossible, the sensible thing would be to keep drink out of the home (and apply other strategies for outside the home).

I lived for many years with a suicidal dd. I know it was not my fault, I know it was her decision to take those tablets and jump out of that window. Any advice of that gist given to me about how to make me feel better was spot on. I certainly needed to hear that. But that did not mean we had to go and place sleeping tablets next to her pillow just to underline how much it wasn't my fault.

What we did need to do was to recognise that this was a problem she had and then discuss sensible strategies which would make it easier for her to pull through without making a decision (which would be wholly hers) to do something damaging.

Our situation was made easier because we were able to have those discussions calmly and sensibly, and then stick to any agreement. Assigning responsibility was a start, but it was not the end of the matter.

I think maybe something similar applies here.