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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gutted I reacted so badly.

175 replies

C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 08:03

My daughter had a weekend off and came home last night for the first time since Christmas. She rang from the train at 8.30. I asked if she had eaten and she said 'No'. I started cooking her some dinner (pasta, tuna, salad) and my OH started shouting at me for making food! I react badly to being shouted at and started sculling wine so by the time she got in I was very noticeably affected. I used to have a real problem with drink and make a point of not drinking at all when my children visit. First time home in months and she's seen me at my worst and took herself to bed. :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 09:10

I try not to cause anger and possibly make him ill. I'll be fine not drinking this weekend.

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/02/2017 09:10

One question remains that we can't know if your perception of how he addressed you (possibly your responses) wasn't clouded by your drinking.
If you were wasted by the time she got there, you must have been feeling effects already when you started cooking.

MadMags · 18/02/2017 09:11

So, was he shouting because you were already drunk?

Does he drink too?

Look, I'm not trying to be horrible but everything is excuse after excuse.

You drank because he shouted - but actually you had already been drinking.

You've had a hard week - so have I.

You shouldn't have alcohol in your home.

And if as I suspect, your dd has had to see a lot of crap from you in the past, then the 99% doesn't matter. The one time you revert to type is enough to prove you haven't changed.

You must take responsibility for your own actions.

Harree · 18/02/2017 09:12

Don't beat yourself up OP. You know & recognise your problems & can discuss them with your adult children so half the battle is done. Don't let it get you down, today's a new day.

Chippednailvarnishing · 18/02/2017 09:12

You're an alcoholic. Counseling once a month isn't enough. Having alcohol in the house when you can't control your drinking will never work.

Get to your GP and ask for help, before your children start hating you.

diddl · 18/02/2017 09:14

"He said to wait until she got home and ask what she wanted."

So did he really shout or just make a sensible suggestion?

Original poster
C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 09:15

I don't buy the alcohol. I'm tiny and 2 large glasses of wine puts me away. Thank you for the harsher comments, I know that I mustn't validate my drinking.

OP posts:
BakeOffBiscuits · 18/02/2017 09:15

OP the thread title says it all really...

Gutted I reacted badly

So you aren't gutted you drank?

You aren't gutted you knew your DD was coming home, but you chose to drink anyway?

You aren't gutted your DD saw you drunk, again?

Sort yourself out!

ColdFeetinWinter · 18/02/2017 09:15

Imagine posting saying I've had a stroke and several heart attacks and my OH is an alcoholic. Last night his DD was coming home for a very infrequent and thus special weekend and he started cooking her a meal at 8:30pm but had been drinking and I know she can't bear to see him drinking as she's had to see that throughout her childhood. I shouted at him and he went and got blinding drunk and blamed me.

Responses would not say "you're abusive and I'm not surprised your OH is an alcoholic...it's all your fault"

Morphene · 18/02/2017 09:16

why is the reaction of so many to hearing someone is very upset about falling off the wagon, to stick the boot in? Do you get off on rubbing someones face in their misery? Or do you think shouting at someone who has already indicated being yelled at can tip them over into very negative behaviour is going to help somehow?

Original poster
C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 09:16

Now been told that his blood pressure is too high this morning.

OP posts:
crapitus · 18/02/2017 09:16

I'm also going to say the same as bakeoffbiscuits.

My mother was also an alcoholic who let me down time and time again with her drinking. Endless promises she would give up etc but she let us all down time and time again.

Unless you have been there its hard to describe that sickening, stomach sinking feeling when you know your mother is drunk. I hated it - I left home as soon as I could and hated even speaking to my mother, let alone visiting if I knew she'd been drinking.
The uncertainty of her moods, the slur in her voice, the slightly vacant look on her face, I became almost phobic about these things and in the end for the last 2 years of her miserable, end stage liver diseased life I went NC, I just cope with it any longer.

I URGE you to try and think of your daughter - you think she'll be ok because she's an adult but no matter how old you are its something you can't ever come to terms with. You'll stop her coming home altogether if you aren't careful.

Chippednailvarnishing · 18/02/2017 09:18

I'm tiny and 2 large glasses of wine puts me away

No, you're an alcoholic, one mouthful of wine is you feeding your addiction. Regardless of whether you feel drunk.

DizzyFizzyLizzy · 18/02/2017 09:18

It's the self-pity that irks me the most.

And the lying.

"It was his fault, honest"

MadMags · 18/02/2017 09:18

Morphene it's not putting the boot in, ffs.

Hand holding doesn't work when someone is in denial about her own actions and her own responsibility.

Has your family been torn to shreds by alcohol? Don't be so dismissive of the posters who aren't saying "there there".

EightiethElement · 18/02/2017 09:19

Maybe like Nigella, you don't just have an alcohol problem, you have an OH problem

Lweji · 18/02/2017 09:19

The problem is not having wine in the home. It's that you must make a decision not to drink full stop. However you reacted to whatever happened was already clouded by what you drank.

ColdFeetinWinter · 18/02/2017 09:19

OP you know deep down its your fault you drank. I've never been an alcoholic so I can only sympathise with what must be a difficult condition to manage but sympathy will just make you sicker. You and only you need to take responsibility for the way your life pans out even if that means changing your domestic set up to leave OH. Put your DD in the front of your mind

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 18/02/2017 09:19

Oh dear. Sorry but I agree with this;
Husband is not automatically an abusive arsehole because he shouts in anger that his wife is drinking and he knows his daughter, who barely visits as it is, will be upset by it.

Finola1step · 18/02/2017 09:20

The fact that your dd hasn't seen you drunk in 2 years may actually mean that she will be even more disappointed. In that she probably thought that you were on top of it all. She may even be thinking that you have been drinking all along and she just caught you in the act.

There are some key questions that you are avoiding. Why do you have alcohol in the house? Why were you already drinking before the shouting incident? And how much did you drink in that half an hour to make you drunk by the time she arrived?

Your current method of controlling the alcohol isn't really working. Maybe AA might be worthy of consideration.

MadMags · 18/02/2017 09:20

No, she has an alcohol problem.

OP, why don't you give the posters some examples of what your kids have seen in the past?

PollyPerky · 18/02/2017 09:21

DizzY Do go away. Your posts are not helpful. The OP drank because she was shouted at. She didn't get drunk and was then shouted at.

DizzyFizzyLizzy · 18/02/2017 09:22

Should probably read the OPs updates properly, Polly.

Chippednailvarnishing · 18/02/2017 09:23

I used to have a real problem with drink

You still do.

trinketsofgold · 18/02/2017 09:24

Polly obviously hasn't RTFT

Your daughter hasn't seen you drunk in 2 years. But that doesn't mean you've been sober for 2years does it OP