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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gutted I reacted so badly.

175 replies

C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 08:03

My daughter had a weekend off and came home last night for the first time since Christmas. She rang from the train at 8.30. I asked if she had eaten and she said 'No'. I started cooking her some dinner (pasta, tuna, salad) and my OH started shouting at me for making food! I react badly to being shouted at and started sculling wine so by the time she got in I was very noticeably affected. I used to have a real problem with drink and make a point of not drinking at all when my children visit. First time home in months and she's seen me at my worst and took herself to bed. :-(

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 18/02/2017 08:50

Why is there alcohol in the house if you have a drink problem?

ninjapants · 18/02/2017 08:50

* ...I used to have a real problem with drink*...

Onemorecup:
The drinking alcohol to anaesthetise yourself against being shouted at is understandable (I've done it)...

If you have a problem with drink you should not drink. Your partner was out of order to shout at you but it does not justify your subsequent actions. I've no doubt you took what onemorecup said as validation for your actions but consider what your daughter thought on arriving home.

Are you sure you weren't already drinking and your partner was frustrated at seeing this? (Not justifying his shouting but might explain his reaction to you cooking)

Be honest with yourself. If you have a drink problem you should not have drink in the house. No amount of counselling will help unless you really and truly want to stop, and you don't, yet.

Fwiw my mum would have cooked too, but that's not the real issue here and you know it.

Good luck, I hope you beat your demons

PollyPerky · 18/02/2017 08:52

If you left your marriage would you stop drinking? Why are you with someone who seems abusive ( shouting over nothing?)

MadMags · 18/02/2017 08:52

You don't seem to really be taking responsibility though.

Even your thread title is about reacting badly. You can't call binge drinking a reaction. That's just shifting responsibility onto circumstances instead of choices.

Original poster
C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 08:54

He definitely shouted and I'm getting worse and worse in my reaction. I used to switch off and let it roll over me. She'll be ok, my adult children have seen me really try and hopefully she'll accept it was a bad night.

OP posts:
DizzyFizzyLizzy · 18/02/2017 08:55

Polly come on. You can't take "abusive marriage" from the OPs unreliable account.

Far more likely she was already drinking and that's why her husband was raging.

MadMags · 18/02/2017 08:57

Where you drinking before you started cooking?

How did you get hold of alcohol?

BeautifulWar · 18/02/2017 08:58

Don't beat yourself up about it - slip ups will happen. Apologise to your daughter and mention the incident to your counsellor for them to help you look at other ways to deal with situations you don't like (mine would telling someone to f* off and mind their own business) rather than reaching for the wine. It sounds like a minor irritation/incident that can happen frequently in relationships so it's important to find another way.

DameDeDoubtance · 18/02/2017 08:58

What he like the rest of the time COrdelia? Does he pull his weight? Is he a kind, caring man? Are your finances shared?

Idefix · 18/02/2017 08:59

Eh? Dizzy you can't presume op was already drinking/drunk either.
I would explain to dd op. Have you been getting an rl support regarding your relationship with oh?

Original poster
C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 09:00

Yes, I had been drinking. I don't drink during the week and had had a busy day at work. I am 99% on top of managing alcohol but had a 1% fit last night and ashamed/gutted.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 18/02/2017 09:04

Ah so you were drinking already. Ok.

I would suggest that you can't "manage" a drinking problem.

Someone with a drinking problem can't drink just cos they've had a busy day.

And in your OP it implies you got drunk because he shouted at you. But you had already been into the wine at that stage.

So even if he hadn't shouted at you, your daughter would have known you'd been drinking all evening, yes?

Trollspoopglitter · 18/02/2017 09:04

I think it's telling that seeing you drunk will make your daughter flee the house.

She has had to put up with a lot because of your drinking, hasn't she?

BakeOffBiscuits · 18/02/2017 09:05

I'm going to be harsh as my Mother was an alcoholic.

If you think she will leave then she must have seen this behaviour many times before and be fed up of it.

If you want a relationship with your DD either get rid of your H or stop making excuses to drink.

When my mother died at 60, she wasn't in contact with 3 of her 4 DC. We couldn't take her behaviour any more.

Lweji · 18/02/2017 09:05

I'm concerned both about the shouting and your reaction.

If he is abusive (and shouting over nothing like this is a red flag for any outside observer) you're better off without, and it may be making your problem worse.
But you need to address your drinking problem head on. Difficult times will happen regardless and you can't head for the bottle every time something bad happens.

Original poster
C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 09:06

He retired 8 years ago, had 3 strokes in that time, plus a minor heart attack. I'll get there and go back to, 'breathe in 7, breathe out 11'.

OP posts:
Idefix · 18/02/2017 09:07

Given that you had already been drinking do you think that was trigger for your oh behaviour? Not excusing it but does he find it upsetting/frightening when you drink? Would he be open to getting support to help deal with those feelings.

You can undo what happened but you can try to workout how to move forward and not have a repeat of last night.

Chinnygirl · 18/02/2017 09:07

IMO alcoholics never totally control their drinking. Either they get drunk once in a while, apologise, brush it off and make their family feel shit again or they go teetotal. I come from a family of them. OP, the best thing to do is ban yourself lifelong from drinking. It is the only cure.

NormaSmuff · 18/02/2017 09:07

you would be better not to have wine int he house.
you looked for an excuse op, if there was no wine you would have had to cope with the shouting another way.

Original poster
C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 09:07

Yes she has put up with a lot but hasn't seen me drunk for 2 years.

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 18/02/2017 09:08

Dizzy maybe not, but shouting at a woman because she decides to make a meal for her DD seems abusive behaviour. It's certainly an overreaction on his part.

He could just as easily have said the same thing in a kindly way.
But of course the OP could have asked her DD when she phoned if she wanted food when she arrived. (I'd not rush to make food for my adult DDs without asking first.)

OP why is being shouted at a trigger for drinking?
Are you saying there is always conflict like this at home? Does your DP make you unhappy a lot of the time?

DizzyFizzyLizzy · 18/02/2017 09:08

Yeah. I've seen this all before.

Husband is not automatically an abusive arsehole because he shouts in anger that his wife is drinking and he knows his daughter, who barely visits as it is, will be upset by it.

Or because he happens to be a man.

BakeOffBiscuits · 18/02/2017 09:08

X posted, so you were already drinking, it had nothing to do with your H shouting at you and you knew your dd was coming home?

I expect your DD is so delighted to see you in that stateHmm

Chinnygirl · 18/02/2017 09:08

She will always renemver two years ago. Don't vrush it off because for you it is long afo

NormaSmuff · 18/02/2017 09:09
Sad here's to staying sober for the rest of the weekend op,