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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gutted I reacted so badly.

175 replies

C0rdelia · 18/02/2017 08:03

My daughter had a weekend off and came home last night for the first time since Christmas. She rang from the train at 8.30. I asked if she had eaten and she said 'No'. I started cooking her some dinner (pasta, tuna, salad) and my OH started shouting at me for making food! I react badly to being shouted at and started sculling wine so by the time she got in I was very noticeably affected. I used to have a real problem with drink and make a point of not drinking at all when my children visit. First time home in months and she's seen me at my worst and took herself to bed. :-(

OP posts:
BakeOffBiscuits · 18/02/2017 09:34

Glad your dd is staying. Go and get help on Monday.

And get rid of all alcohol in the house, today.

GooseyLoosey · 18/02/2017 09:34

Oh, you have my sympathy. You were looking forward to a nice night with your dad. You were doing everything you could to make the evening perfect. Do shouted at you and you did something stupid because you were taken aback and angry. That resulted in your evening being spoiled.

You know you have a problem and you know you reacted badly. Don't see you need any critics my for that.

Why don't you make it up to your dad (and yourself) by going out for breakfast or lunch together.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 18/02/2017 09:34

Are you quite calculating, OP?

Did you deliberately lie in your first post so that some people would justify what you did for you?

MadMags · 18/02/2017 09:34

Please please please don't drink while she's there.

Chippednailvarnishing · 18/02/2017 09:34

Happy RTFT.

BakeOffBiscuits · 18/02/2017 09:35

Yes do apologise to your DD. Although I expect she's heard it all beforeSad

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/02/2017 09:35

HappyFlappy have you rtft

MadMags · 18/02/2017 09:35

Are people just not bothering to RTFT anymore??

HappyFlappy · 18/02/2017 09:35

Sorry chipped - I did jump in without testing the water.

Mea culpa!

Chippednailvarnishing · 18/02/2017 09:38

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/AA-Meetings/Find-a-Meeting

Try this op, there are some Saturday meetings

Lessthanaballpark · 18/02/2017 09:38

OP. You had a slip. Now get back on track. Only you can know if your husband was out of order, if he was shouting about the pasta (out of order) or the drinking (not so out of order)

You dong drink during the week so you CAN survive without alcohol. You need to recognise the trigger then spark a different action. Good luck. Flowers

GinIsIn · 18/02/2017 09:39

I don't think you are being honest with yourself about the amount you had to drink either. For you to get shit-faced in the time it took to cook pasta, you must have been well on your way already.

Be honest - did your DH shout at you for cooking pasta, or for drunkenly insisting you were going to cook pasta?

Many people on the thread have asked who bought the alcohol and why you have it in the house - I notice you aren't answering that, so I suspect it's you.

You are not managing a drinking problem, you are an alcoholic.

AyeAmarok · 18/02/2017 09:39

I was shocked to be shouted at for making food for her arrival and drank too much, too quickly on top of the large glass I'd had. I'm gutted I did that in my reaction to being shouted at.

Perhaps if you hadn't already been drinking, your husband wouldn't have been annoyed and you wouldn't have reacted by guzzling more wine.

It's clear you take no responsibility for your actions. You probably take anything as an excuse to drink. Tough week at work? Drink. Husband annoyed? Drink. Then blame him for the fact that you drank. He must be at his wits' end.

GinIsIn · 18/02/2017 09:40

First you need to be honest with yourself about that, and then decide how you move forward because the way you are currently 'managing' isn't working and it sounds like you all deserve better.

Trollspoopglitter · 18/02/2017 09:44

I bet your husband doesn't shout when you're sober.

corythatwas · 18/02/2017 09:45

As others have said, we need to look more closely into the WHO BUYS THE ALCOHOL question.

In your 9:15 post you said it wasn't you. Assuming you were telling the truth, that presumably means it must be your husband? Why does he do that? Surely if one person in the household is struggling to deal with an alcohol problem there should be no alcohol in the house? Zero, zilch, not a drop.

Is he trying to undermine you? Or is he simply selfish and thinks that his wishes to buy whatever he wants, whenever he wants trump your need to stay free of alcohol.

No, it doesn't excuse you from drinking. But it's a discussion you need to have with him. Yours needs to be a dry household. Everybody needs to be on board.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2017 09:48

"There are friends and colleagues who have NO clue I have a problem with alcohol"

Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy; you really do need to start opening up to others now. Coping with alcoholism as you have been doing simply does not work. Having alcohol in the house simply encourages you to drink it. Your OH enables you doesn't he, by doing that he is not helping you or his own his own self.

I think your counselling is not working at all and you need to attend AA meetings. You probably are not ready for that however, and perhaps never will be.

I feel sorry for your DD in all this; your alcoholism and that chaos that goes with it is likely her main impetus for why she left home as well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2017 09:50

I would also like to know who is buying the alcohol. Its not your DD so its either you or your OH. Neither of you should be buying alcohol and if he is buying it and or drinking with you that enabling behaviour needs to stop immediately. Your house should be a dry one.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/02/2017 09:52

I would also think that you've been underestimating how much you drink for many years now.

Did you yourself grow up surrounded by alcoholics yourself, I ask only as alcoholism can sometimes be learnt.

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2017 09:55

I don't see how your OH is to blame when you say you'd already been drinking. Why the heck are you drinking anyway? You admit you have a problem, you're having counselling, but what's the point if you're still drinking? Please get yourself to an AA meeting.

Lweji · 18/02/2017 09:57

Why had you already had a large glass by the time you started making food?
Ask yourself as an alcoholic.

Strygil · 18/02/2017 09:57

Christ, what a self-righteous, judgemental shower of know-alls you are.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 18/02/2017 09:59

I agree with PPs points that you need to stop trying to blame other people. You are an alcoholic who was already drinking, knowing your daughter would soon be there. I am completely understanding why your DH was pissed off, faced with you, drunk, crashing around the kitchen and over-reacting when he tries to say it's not the best idea.

ElspethFlashman · 18/02/2017 09:59

on top of the large glass I'd had

The thing is that all that guff about the pasta is a red herring.

Even if you had never gone near the cooker, she'd still have KNOWN.

Lweji · 18/02/2017 10:00

The problem is NOT having alcohol in the house.

What will the OP do at friends' or relatives' houses, or when going out.

The issue is that you should not be drinking AT ALL, OP.

No excuses.