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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH - incompetence or malice?

170 replies

newnamenewnamenewname · 17/02/2017 23:44

Name changed for obvious reasons...

It's not really a relationship question but I'm not strong enough for AIBU and I don't really know where it fits. I don't need relationship advice exactly just an opinion on this...

DH can't handle checking details, he often makes mistakes. But he can also lie and be manipulative.

Recent examples: No one watches Sky in our house so we decided to cancel it. It's in DH's name so he had to do it. He instead signed up for the basic package because "otherwise we can't get BBC". True, we don't have an aerial but you get BBC if you are churning. He just doesn't research or check things. On the other hand, in the same week he happily admitted to "screwing someone over a bit" (someone who works for us).

I don't want to influence people so I am going to set out the bare basics.

He set up a new business for us in November. The new business is based in an area of expertise that is my field but he also has some skills. We have an old business in a related field that we both have skills in but it is declining and not doing well. We own it 50:50.

In January, he closed the old business. He then needed to set up a bank account for the new business. He signed my signature for convenience. He told me he had signed after he had done it. He's signed things for me before.

Nothing arrived for me for the new bank account. I called the bank to ask why and they said that I was an "authority" on the account but not a signatory. DH says that he thought he the forms he had signed my name on made me a signatory. Having requested a copy of the forms, it is clear to anyone that reads the small print that is not the case. Except he doesn't read things...

Then I checked Companies House. I only have class B shares in the new company. He owns all the class A shares. I am company secretary. He is the only director.

I confronted him about the bank account. He was confused as to why I wasn't a signatory and said it was a mistake - he was in a rush when he did it. He pointed out that he had told the bank that I am company secretary so clearly he wasn't hiding anything, he had made things the same as they were with the other company. So I asked him about how he had set up the new company. His reply was "it's 50:50. Well, not 50:50, 'they" don't like that any more so I had to set it up with class A and Class B shares, that's how it's done now, but you can set them up so they have the same rights". He said that is what what the formation company who set it up advised him. I read to him from our company formation documents on Companies House, which doesn't give the class shares equal rights. He then said, "that's not how I did it, you can set them up differently" so I pointed out that it was our docs I was reading from. His reply was that he didn't tell them to do that, he'd had to speak to different people to do what he wanted because they didn't understand, they were multiple phone calls and an email because they didn't understand what he wanted, they must have got it wrong. He then said "I did it that way because you said you don't want liability". I didn't say that but I did say I was unhappy about things he had done with the old company without my knowledge.

I called the formation company. They seemed surprised that any of their staff would have said that 50:50 share distributions weren't normal as that is quite common.

Sorry for rambling. Please be objective, don't read between the lines to look for motivations. On the basic evidence, just what he said, do you think he is lying?

OP posts:
greenberet · 19/02/2017 18:34

im reading this after just posting the Narc X kids & SS post. Please OP get yourself a good solicitor ask on here for recommendations - I didn't realise I was in an abusive relationship until i started the divorce process -i've had 2.5 years of hell - company here too - H/W 50/50 him Director me CS, although I didn't officially work. Im just a tax dodge ive been told - had same class of shares - just at start of divorce process he gave 5% of his shares to his No 2 - they were B shares - allowed him to pay her dividends for her "compliance" all the while telling me there was no money in the company. Has taken money out instead as Directors loan. Prior to this issued dividends in my name and took the money - fortunately I had breast cancer and recieved an insurance payout otherwise i would have been stuffed. Long term depression - also been under MH - solicitor ditched me 6 weeks before final hearing - because I had got wise to their bullshit too- basically fleeced all my insurance money telling me they got him - i have been screwed at final hearing - if you had 51% of old company no wonder he wanted to set up a new one - you had ultimate control. I'm sorry OP but this man is abusive - he will lie his way throughout this - he will have no moral compass and you have already said your DS was under his spell. I have been accused of harrassment twice where i was so angry - made out to be the twisted bitter wife. He had a game plan right from the start- sorry to ask but do you suspect anybody else could be involved. Luckily I have good GP support. I am trying to pick up the pieces - to be screwed by solicitor nearly pushed me over the edge - I am telling you this because you are vulnerable and sadly there are solicitors and barristers out there just in it for the money -I do not want this to happen to you. If you are going for divorce be prepared for a battle -this man is nasty - he has accountant on his side already - they need allies to boost the weak spineless bastards that they really are. Please get yourself support too you will need it. xx

mainlywingingit · 21/02/2017 00:29

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Montane50 · 21/02/2017 01:14

thats far to harsh and not one bit constructive ffs

MiscellaneousAssortment · 21/02/2017 02:35

This is not correct:
"Your stupidity allowed him to manipulate ..."

No. The OP didn't 'allow' her DP to do this. She found out he had forged her signature.

She didn't say 'oh go on then darling please screw me over and commit fraud'

To blame her and call her names is unacceptable. OP please ignore.

Teabay · 21/02/2017 03:52

OP

He is gas lighting you, making you feel like you are incapable and unreasonable.

You are not, his behaviour towards you is.

He will lie and cheat and commit further fraud whilst he gets what he wants.

Please do two things - ring Women's Aid again and ask them for a solicitor recommendation, and secondly start to collect an actual physical paper trail of evidence - keep it at your mum's.

He WILL get nastier when you start to comply less, and will stop at nothing to prevent his loss of influence over him.

Don't be scared, just be wary. This is no place for your DC.
Biscuit Thinking of you x

Teabay · 21/02/2017 03:53

he will stop at nothing to prevent his loss of influence over YOU !!

oops

JigglyTuff · 21/02/2017 04:13

If it were a series of careless mistakes, he would come off worse at least once. The fact that he has gained an advantage every single time suggests that his 'mistakes' are deliberate.

I would be very worried if I were you, especially as you know he is forging your signature without your knowledge.

ohfourfoxache · 21/02/2017 04:51

This has probably already been recommended, but keep as much evidence as you possibly can in a secure location. Screen shots, letters, emails, even contemporaneous accounts of phone calls.

Then, when exams are over, go to the police

NightWanderer · 21/02/2017 04:55

My Ex was also a liar. He was manipulative and mean too.

One thing I found out by accident is that my Ex had also been badmouthing me to other people behind my back. Just telling them awful things about me that just weren't true. This might be what happened with the accountant. He might tell him that you're lazy, controlling, that you never do any work but spend all the money, that sort of thing. It's the sort of thing my Ex would tell people.

Don't worry about what is lies and what is truth anymore. You know what you want, so work on making that happen.

JigglyTuff · 21/02/2017 04:56

I wouldn't trust that accountant either.

And you're not stupid. You're a victim of abuse.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 21/02/2017 05:12

You're not stupid, OP! You were clever enough to come to Poirot Mumsnet. Smile

And take a bit of a back-handed compliment: your skillset is worth somebody going to these lengths to exploit. Smile Angry

I'm hoping you've gone quiet because you're very busy IRL with quite the growing To Do list:

  • Companies House reports with you, STBX and accountant-mate names/addresses for search parameters.
  • Ditto personal credit reports on you, STBX and even accountant mate if you have to enough of his details - find out your personal debt, for instance, or any finance agreements "you've" entered into.
  • Bank: information on any/all accounts "you're" on, and fixing your signature. Consider strongly suing the bank for not taking better AML/identity theft precautions on your behalf. Even if you don't, the bank should be spurred into action!
  • Women's Aid or your local council equivalent and/or DV unit of your local police force. NB not just the first guy who picks up the phone at the police - you need specialist knowledge to help untangle this skein.
  • IT boffin friend to ensure Twunt is not keylogging or similar - watch your caboose!
  • STI check. Sorry, this may seem to come out of nowhere, but it makes every bit of sense that somebody with that collection of personality traits would think nothing of cheating on you, and unprotected at that. 1. He gets off on screwing people over - for some cheaters it's the thrill of cheating more than anything else. 2. He truly believes you're lesser than him, and stupid, to boot. 3. He's manipulative and an accomplished liar. 4. He has a mental detachment; nothing is ever his fault, right?

Might sound overwhelming, but it isn't. You can do this! You've already done amazing things when you were browbeaten and alone. You're not alone anymore. You have us, you'll have the help of the agencies if you ask for it. You can do this!

SeaEagleFeather · 21/02/2017 07:13

Not an expert, but I'm also thinking it might be worth trying to find a forensic account. It's very, very hard to believe that he hasn't committed other illegal acts.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 21/02/2017 08:19

Police will have a lukewarm interest in this at best, because this will fail the 'in the public interest test' and they simply don't have the resources/training for this type of stuff when it is small scale. Forensic accounting will cost a lot of money and might not 'prove' anything.
Everything Kewcumber said is 100% on the money
There was no accident going on here. This was deliberate manipulation at best, and something malicious at worst. If I were OP I would first speak to Tanya at Summit Law (corporate law specialists) about shooting a vicious legal note across the bows (added bonus is that you can use such a letter to show complete disassociation from H at this point) and I would also have a note of financial disassociation added to experion files for yourself. Then once those two are done I'd meander down to see Suzanne Kingston at Withers to start the ball rolling on decluttering this toe-rag from your life.

Kewcumber · 21/02/2017 08:43

TheCheesemaker well know I wouldn't have recognised you without the reference but still have my marbles enough to have picked it up!

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 21/02/2017 09:39

I wasn't suggesting the police would be interested in the fraud, per se, but the domestic abuse elements of this set-up. It's clearly coercive control and financial abuse, and that does get noticed these days! Finally. However, this info hasn't trickled to every cop on the beat, so that's why i suggested get in touch directly with the domestic abuse section of the police.

Hope you're OK, OP. Smile

venusinscorpio · 21/02/2017 10:14

Please seek legal advice, and consider getting the police involved. My dad nearly went to prison once primarily because a dodgy associate of his forged his signature on something.

newnamenewnamenewname · 21/02/2017 13:35

Thank you again everyone Flowers Especially Cheesemaker and SalvageEngineer for your very helpful practical advice.

I don't really have money for legal advice at the moment but I have found a local centre that can give some free advice hopefully.

My past experience with the police hasn't been great so I am wary. Although that was partly my own fault because I was scared of teling them things because I knew it would make things worse. Which it did. And as I said before one of the officers asked "if I was sure I wasn't mentally ill'. Also, he managed to turn things around when he was harrassing his exOW so he was treated as a victim of domestic violence. There was one other allegation against him, I don't know whether it was true or not, but the woman did lie about their having had a relationship and kept making excuses not to give a statement. That ended with the police telling him it was "a crock of shit" and no action was taken but they did threaten to charge the woman with wasting police time if she didn't drop it.

DS is really unwell with stress and anxiety, he was awake most of the night, so he really needs me for the next few days so forgive me if I don't reply very quickly. I didn't sleep last night either and was really panicky, and I need to concentrate on supporting DS. I can't handle both at the moment. I am trying to put this out of my mind a bit until I can get to the legal advice centre - it's only open one evening a week. I have copies of important things so there isn't much else I can do until then.

OP posts:
Thinkingblonde · 21/02/2017 22:56

Look after yourself and your son OP,
Keep your cards close to your chest for now. (flowers)

greenberet · 23/02/2017 13:32

How old is your DS op - I think you mentioned exams - I'm struggling same as you . Cheese maker / kewcumber do you have professional experience in business matters could do with some advice if I could pm you. OP take care this will be a huge strain on you emotionally

newnamenewnamenewname · 24/02/2017 00:23

@greenberet DS is 18 and will be off to university soon hopefully - thank goodness. It also means that he sees things differently now. His friends see things and he has their perspective. He can think for himself. I think your DCs are much younger?

OP posts:
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