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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH - incompetence or malice?

170 replies

newnamenewnamenewname · 17/02/2017 23:44

Name changed for obvious reasons...

It's not really a relationship question but I'm not strong enough for AIBU and I don't really know where it fits. I don't need relationship advice exactly just an opinion on this...

DH can't handle checking details, he often makes mistakes. But he can also lie and be manipulative.

Recent examples: No one watches Sky in our house so we decided to cancel it. It's in DH's name so he had to do it. He instead signed up for the basic package because "otherwise we can't get BBC". True, we don't have an aerial but you get BBC if you are churning. He just doesn't research or check things. On the other hand, in the same week he happily admitted to "screwing someone over a bit" (someone who works for us).

I don't want to influence people so I am going to set out the bare basics.

He set up a new business for us in November. The new business is based in an area of expertise that is my field but he also has some skills. We have an old business in a related field that we both have skills in but it is declining and not doing well. We own it 50:50.

In January, he closed the old business. He then needed to set up a bank account for the new business. He signed my signature for convenience. He told me he had signed after he had done it. He's signed things for me before.

Nothing arrived for me for the new bank account. I called the bank to ask why and they said that I was an "authority" on the account but not a signatory. DH says that he thought he the forms he had signed my name on made me a signatory. Having requested a copy of the forms, it is clear to anyone that reads the small print that is not the case. Except he doesn't read things...

Then I checked Companies House. I only have class B shares in the new company. He owns all the class A shares. I am company secretary. He is the only director.

I confronted him about the bank account. He was confused as to why I wasn't a signatory and said it was a mistake - he was in a rush when he did it. He pointed out that he had told the bank that I am company secretary so clearly he wasn't hiding anything, he had made things the same as they were with the other company. So I asked him about how he had set up the new company. His reply was "it's 50:50. Well, not 50:50, 'they" don't like that any more so I had to set it up with class A and Class B shares, that's how it's done now, but you can set them up so they have the same rights". He said that is what what the formation company who set it up advised him. I read to him from our company formation documents on Companies House, which doesn't give the class shares equal rights. He then said, "that's not how I did it, you can set them up differently" so I pointed out that it was our docs I was reading from. His reply was that he didn't tell them to do that, he'd had to speak to different people to do what he wanted because they didn't understand, they were multiple phone calls and an email because they didn't understand what he wanted, they must have got it wrong. He then said "I did it that way because you said you don't want liability". I didn't say that but I did say I was unhappy about things he had done with the old company without my knowledge.

I called the formation company. They seemed surprised that any of their staff would have said that 50:50 share distributions weren't normal as that is quite common.

Sorry for rambling. Please be objective, don't read between the lines to look for motivations. On the basic evidence, just what he said, do you think he is lying?

OP posts:
NC1nightstand · 18/02/2017 01:02

This is tough. You already know what you think. You present the situation to us, consensus of opinion is that he is lying in a very skilled almost second nature way. Whether he does it maliciously or in some desperate self presentation way is almost immaterial. He is lying. To you. The fallout would be catastrophic. For you. You need to protect yourself, as quickly as possible regarding the business and any other shared financial agreements. Have a plan. Then the very painful thing you are trying to avoid - confront him. Then decide whether you can salvage your relationship if he agrees to get help. But really it's a no brainer isn't it? I am sorry but this could well be the tip of the iceberg and you need to decide if you are swimming for the shore or going down with the ship.

GwenStaceyRocks · 18/02/2017 01:07

Malice.
In both areas he will have received independent advice ie from the bank and from the formation company. Hence he has consciously chosen to disadvantage you. Plus he mentioned your reluctance to take responsibility as a reason for the different class of share. That was him admitting that he chose to give you class B shares whilst subtly blaming you for his decision.

TitaniasCloset · 18/02/2017 01:07

Agree with nightstand. He sounds like a compulsive liar and very self centred and dodgy.

HarrietSchulenberg · 18/02/2017 01:15

Malicious and a fraudster if he's signed your signature. I would insist that the documentation is changed immediately.

twattymctwatterson · 18/02/2017 01:16

He's fucking you over. You know this to be true but I'm guessing his gaslighting and manipulating you has left you feeling like it's all in your head because he makes mistakes/forgets to read things. My guess is that this is just an act he puts on to remove responsibility for his actions. Don't let this stand.

ExplodedCloud · 18/02/2017 01:24

If he's made a mistake surely he'd be keen to sort it.
Forging your signature gives the lie.

MiMiMaguire · 18/02/2017 01:48

Why did he need to forge your signature ? Surely it would have been paperwork he must have had at home at some stage, couldn't have been for convenience at the bank as they wouldn't allow it.
He has hiding as he knew he was up to no good. Didn't bank on you figuring out and even though you have he doesn't sound too spooked, keeps lying. A

FritzDonovan · 18/02/2017 02:05

Seems very dodgy that he sees nothing wrong in forging your signature on something you know nothing about. He could do this on anything and you would be none the wiser. I don't think it's sensible to continue any business relationship with someone with these values, let alone a personal relationship.

Holly3434 · 18/02/2017 08:11

Yes he set up the company don't do any work for it until its 50 50, to be fair if he can't set it up right he can't bloody well run a company that's for sure.....hardly buying this mistake bollocks myself.

category12 · 18/02/2017 08:21

It doesn't sound like a mistake, it sounds like he hopes you'll accept it as a mistake and shut up.

He sounds well dodgy and I would not trust that him being married to you would stop him screwing you over.

HeyYouYesYou · 18/02/2017 08:26

I'm afraid I agree with the others, OP.

I would also be very worried about what else he was signing my name to without my knowledge.

He sounds very dangerous, and I mean that seriously. I think you're in a very dangerous position.

birdsdestiny · 18/02/2017 08:29

This is at some point going to collapse like a house of cards. He is going to get caught, he is lying, acting fraudulently and let's face it he is rubbish at it as he keeps getting found out. Please get some advice.

GnomeDePlume · 18/02/2017 08:33

Have you tried test out answering the questions on his behalf?

From what you have described there is a mixture of incompetence and malice. However I think the incompetence comes from him not thinking beyond his own immediate wants/needs/desires.

CrunchieFeeling · 18/02/2017 08:38
  1. The mistakes are all in his favour
  2. He lied about the information given by the formation company
  3. He's done it before so knew the process
  4. He enjoys sneakily getting one up on purple ("shafting someone?")

You say it's your area of expertise while he has some experience - sounds a little like he's using you...

My dp is dreadful at detail- which often leads to me completing things. Actually getting things set up and completed and in his favour doesn't sound like detail-dismissing - it sounds like very efficiently scamming you...

Ellisandra · 18/02/2017 08:41

Of course he's lying.

Because he continued to lie, the forbatiin company confirmed he was lying, because he's a gaslightung fucker lying that you said you didn't want liability and because his first response wasn't "oh shit I'm rubbish at this side of things - sorry, we need to start again - look, could you call the formation company?"

If you want evidence to convince yourself, have a look at this email that he supposedly sent because no-one understood him. You know, the one that says "no, two equal directors, 50:50 on the Class A shares". Because that exists, right? Confused

Gizlotsmum · 18/02/2017 08:41

Has he done anything to correct the errors? If not then they are deliberate. If he has then it may be genuine incompetence. I suspect the former as no-one can be that incompetent surely...

Ellisandra · 18/02/2017 08:44

FWIW, the motivation may not not be to financially scam you - it may be that he "just" wants to be The Boss, for his own ego and because he thinks he's better than you.

Also pretty shit.

But whatever his motivation, this is not an accident. Even if it was his first formation without the help of a formation company, come on - he knows Director and Secretary are not equal.

I can't work out whether him forging your signature is acceptable to you or not. When he did it before, was it with your agreement?

RandomMess · 18/02/2017 08:44

I think lying too.

He knows how to set up a company in a 50:50 way

He pretended it was for convenience he FORGED your signature so you wouldn't find out

He lied about saying Companies House gave out incorrect advice, they just wouldn't!

He has a history of pulling a fast one on people

He then said "it was because you said you didn't want liability" that excuse was so ready to hand he has admitted that he has done it deliberately.

Flowers
MakeItRain · 18/02/2017 08:48

Agree with everyone else. It sounds like he knew exactly what he was doing. Otherwise his reaction would have been shock/apology/wanting to correct it. You MUST stop allowing him to sign. Use this "mistake" to give him a final warning to stop. He's relying on you being his wife to not say anything and it puts you in a very vulnerable position.
As for the "mistake" insist you both rectify it immediately, together. His reaction will tell you what you want to know. But whatever his reaction, make sure you do change it.

MakeItRain · 18/02/2017 08:49

(Allowing him to sign your signature I mean.)

timeisnotaline · 18/02/2017 08:50

He needs to fix it all (unfortunately with you overseeing it) or it is malice. And I half think you should be very clear about trust levels and suggest reporting him to the police for company fraud if he signs for you again. If he can't reset up the company maybe you can swap share ownership so you get the class A ones? Or a mix... If he was happy for you to have the class B ones then he should be happy to have them too... if he is against all this then it's a pretty bad sign.

Pacha11 · 18/02/2017 08:53

Bullocks. He is lying through his teeth.

GeorgeTheHamster · 18/02/2017 08:54

He's definitely lying. He might not be planning to screw you over (yet), but he likes the security of knowing that he could whenever he wanted to. That's not equal, it's not respectful and it's nasty.

rainbowstardrops · 18/02/2017 08:54

Sounds totally dodgy unless he was genuinely sorry that he messed up and tried to immediately put things right.
I couldn't trust anyone that forged my signature though. He could do absolutely anything without your knowledge.

Ellisandra · 18/02/2017 09:01

Oh and my XH genuinely was utterly shit with details, and had to sort out a share transfer within his family business. Fucked it up.

Lied through his teeth - an example, when I said he was paying PPI on his credit card, he said he wasn't, I pointed to the line that said "payment protection insurance" and he still said he wasn't Hmm because he'll lie rather than admit to being wrong.

Anyway, back to the shares... so he'll lie. But in this case his mistake was to his own detriment and our child's Angry

So agree with the others... funny how the 'mistakes' were in his favour?

Note also the elaborate crap about all the phone calls and email because no-one understood. So... if he was so clear about what was needed, he'd have checked, no?

A genuine mistake wouldn't have so much self serving back story. It would simply have him say "how did that happen? Bloody idiots - that's not what I said". People who lie often talk too much.

As I said upthread, I'd read the email he sent. Except, I expect the dog ate it Hmm

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