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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH - incompetence or malice?

170 replies

newnamenewnamenewname · 17/02/2017 23:44

Name changed for obvious reasons...

It's not really a relationship question but I'm not strong enough for AIBU and I don't really know where it fits. I don't need relationship advice exactly just an opinion on this...

DH can't handle checking details, he often makes mistakes. But he can also lie and be manipulative.

Recent examples: No one watches Sky in our house so we decided to cancel it. It's in DH's name so he had to do it. He instead signed up for the basic package because "otherwise we can't get BBC". True, we don't have an aerial but you get BBC if you are churning. He just doesn't research or check things. On the other hand, in the same week he happily admitted to "screwing someone over a bit" (someone who works for us).

I don't want to influence people so I am going to set out the bare basics.

He set up a new business for us in November. The new business is based in an area of expertise that is my field but he also has some skills. We have an old business in a related field that we both have skills in but it is declining and not doing well. We own it 50:50.

In January, he closed the old business. He then needed to set up a bank account for the new business. He signed my signature for convenience. He told me he had signed after he had done it. He's signed things for me before.

Nothing arrived for me for the new bank account. I called the bank to ask why and they said that I was an "authority" on the account but not a signatory. DH says that he thought he the forms he had signed my name on made me a signatory. Having requested a copy of the forms, it is clear to anyone that reads the small print that is not the case. Except he doesn't read things...

Then I checked Companies House. I only have class B shares in the new company. He owns all the class A shares. I am company secretary. He is the only director.

I confronted him about the bank account. He was confused as to why I wasn't a signatory and said it was a mistake - he was in a rush when he did it. He pointed out that he had told the bank that I am company secretary so clearly he wasn't hiding anything, he had made things the same as they were with the other company. So I asked him about how he had set up the new company. His reply was "it's 50:50. Well, not 50:50, 'they" don't like that any more so I had to set it up with class A and Class B shares, that's how it's done now, but you can set them up so they have the same rights". He said that is what what the formation company who set it up advised him. I read to him from our company formation documents on Companies House, which doesn't give the class shares equal rights. He then said, "that's not how I did it, you can set them up differently" so I pointed out that it was our docs I was reading from. His reply was that he didn't tell them to do that, he'd had to speak to different people to do what he wanted because they didn't understand, they were multiple phone calls and an email because they didn't understand what he wanted, they must have got it wrong. He then said "I did it that way because you said you don't want liability". I didn't say that but I did say I was unhappy about things he had done with the old company without my knowledge.

I called the formation company. They seemed surprised that any of their staff would have said that 50:50 share distributions weren't normal as that is quite common.

Sorry for rambling. Please be objective, don't read between the lines to look for motivations. On the basic evidence, just what he said, do you think he is lying?

OP posts:
Thinkingblonde · 18/02/2017 13:32

I take it he can actually read and understand the forms?
Alarm bells are deafening me here.

tribpot · 18/02/2017 13:33

Well I'm sure he'll be happy to explain to the police how forgery isn't a crime when it's done for the victim's 'benefit'?

The fact that your choices in the past have been him forging your signature and him coercing you into signing show you have had no choices at all.

I think you do need advice on how to stop him from forging your signature in the future. It is likely to involve legal action.

Thinkingblonde · 18/02/2017 13:40

I am sorry, I missed out a whole page, the page with your latest updates on.

Trifleorbust · 18/02/2017 14:02

I think he is lying because it is several mistakes, one on top of another, all relying on your ignorance. Sounds very dodgy to me.

RandomMess · 18/02/2017 15:11

Please ask for some legal advice urgently - you may have to report him to the police etc. if you resign as company secretary they may not even recognise "your" signature as it's actually his...

Time to leave this abusive man.

Flowers
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 18/02/2017 15:14

You name wouldn't Noella by any chance?

All levity aside, this is pretty grim. I'm glad you say you're leaving him, but I think you need to go further and report him for fraud. What a OP said about you also being a director and signatory, as well as it being your area of expertise more than his, was chilling, and oh so correct. If there's any shitty-hitty-fan he will have made sure it's you who gets it.

Start your own paper trail. Assume at every turn that his baseline is to screw everybody over (you even more so, now that you're going to stop toeing the party line) and any reasonableness on your part will be seen by him as being "weak". It sucks to have to get into that kind of mindset, even temporarily, but right now that's what you need. Best of luck.

HeyYouYesYou · 18/02/2017 15:20

I just read your update OP. I'm so sorry.

At least you now have everything clear in your head and can see the situation for what it is.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work and I (unfortunately) repeat my earlier comment that I think you're in a dangerous position. Please be very careful and don't hesitate to ask for help from those here who have more experience in that area. Also be sure that you've covered your online tracks sufficiently that he won't easily be able to find this thread Flowers

newnamenewnamenewname · 18/02/2017 15:44

RandomMess - it seems you no longer need a signature to set up a company. Even if you do it with Companies House directly you just need information like passport number, NI number, father's first name, mother's maiden name, eye colour etc to "verify" identity. All things he knows or has acccess to. I've asked the formation company how they verify identity, they said they just check that you are resident at the address given. It was only the bank documents that he forged my signature on as far as I know. That said, the formation documents state that "I consent to appointment as company secretary". I didn't and nor do I. I didn't even know I was until a couple of weeks ago.

HeyYesYou - I already got a friend to check the computer for spyware etc.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/02/2017 15:46

Guess you can just write and say that you no longer consent then???

Speak to the bank and come off that account?

What a nightmare Sad Angry

SeaEagleFeather · 18/02/2017 15:54

This is malice. You know that.

If you decide to separate, (and I know he's your husband but he sounds absolutely awful) you will need to be very, very careful.

Your best bet would be to arrange things so that being fair to you will be in his own best interest. Otherwise he will take you to the cleaners.

Record everything. Absolutely fucking everything, and in handwriting if you can. Less easy to fake. You also need to consider the police because of the forged signatures - you NEED a track record that he's capable of this, otherwise you will probably be liable for a whole lot of debts.

I think the PPs are right, you need skilled professional advice here.

newnamenewnamenewname · 18/02/2017 15:55

RandomMess - I'm not actually on the bank account yet! The forged signature was on a form appointing him as the signatory/authority for the account. "My" signature was as company secretary on the section that certifies appointing him as the only signatory.

And, ironically, for me to resign as company secretary, he has to sign the form for Companies House to authorise it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/02/2017 15:58

Well I think you're not going to have a choice, I think you'll have to be going to the police and reporting him for fraud otherwise how can you get out of it all?

newnamenewnamenewname · 18/02/2017 16:23

I really didn't want to involve the police, at least not until DS finishes exams in a few months and we are both out of there for good. I need to speak to a lawyer. I've no idea where to find the right type of lawyer though. It's not normal family/divorce law.

OP posts:
HelenaGWells · 18/02/2017 16:23

You don't need to sign to set up a company. I haven't signed anything for mine. It's the bank that concerns me.

He WILL have signed for the bank as you've seen. I'm actually worried about what kind of bank would let him do that. Either the bank is terrible for not checking that the secretary name is Mrs X and only a man is standing there or he took away the forms.

A form to sign for him as the signatory is totally different to a form appointing you a signatory. Again the bank would usually check as a secretary being a signatory is common regardless of director status.

I second a call for good legal advice. If this new business uses your skill set you totally have this. Set up on your own, use your contacts and your skills and reach for the sky. You've got this.

HelenaGWells · 18/02/2017 16:25

Ask in the legal section on here. There will be people who can recommend or point you in the right direction.

newnamenewnamenewname · 18/02/2017 16:48

Helena - he took the form away "for me to sign".

Honestly, I don't think I could set up on my own. The reputation is "his". I have been in the background for years now with no client contact because "I can't manage people, nobody will work with me". He's had to let me deal with clients directly very recently because he needed my skills but he introduced me as "one of his best employees who has been working for him for years". I can't say anything. We would have lost the clients if I'd said something. I can't even have a linked in profile because I would have to lie to cover up his lies. Nor do I know if I could do it any more. When he gave me the new projects I had a panic attack both times because I thought I might fuck it up. I didn't, turns out the client was really pleased, but I had no confidence in my work and asked him for some help and he lost it with me calling me lazy and a loser, a sponge. In my head I know what he says isn't true but sometimes I really struggle doing things that I used to find simple, I get really anxious. I get paralysed.

I know, it sounds ridiculous. I have no idea how I let this happen. I used to be bright, savvy and confident.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/02/2017 16:58

Please speak to Womans Aid, they will help you so much. They will understand you and point you in the right direction.

Flowers he is going to be stuck without you and I think you may have to leave on the quiet tbh.

goodnessidontknow · 18/02/2017 17:18

You don't need his signature to resign as company secretary. If you don't have access to the online account you can send in a paper form. If you need help with the business side of things please message me. It's what I do and I'm happy to provide some support x

newnamenewnamenewname · 18/02/2017 17:44

RandomMess - thank you! I already spoke to Women's Aid. They really helped. I thought my confidence was coming back but the panic attacks at work are a new thing.

goodnessidontknow - thank you too! I don't have access to the online account. I thought a director or the secretary had to sign the paper TM02 form on behalf of the company? Surely I can't sign on behalf of the company (as company secretary) for my own resignation (as company secretary)?

OP posts:
tribpot · 18/02/2017 17:55

Here is the form (PDF link). It can be signed by the Secretary. This would be you since another can't be appointed until you resign?

Bloopbleep · 18/02/2017 18:18

If you haven't actually (personally) signed anything then you are not actually or personally involved in it. He has committed a fraud and while it may be hard for you to prove you didn't sign anything you need to speak up about this asap or you may be seen as complicit in his fraud. Be very careful.

RandomMess · 18/02/2017 18:26

I really think you need to seek specialist legal advice, in order to protect yourself I think you do need to report the fraud there could be unforeseen complications if you don't...

PaterPower · 18/02/2017 18:40

"I can't manage people, nobody will work with me". He's had to let me deal with clients directly very recently because he needed my skills but he introduced me as "one of his best employees who has been working for him for years"

This, and the fact he then called you "lazy, a sponger" etc, is more than enough for you to sprint away from this business (not mentioning the marriage) as he clearly doesn't value you.

Where does he get off treating you / anyone like this? At the absolute minimum he should afford you the same respect he would an ordinary employee, but to talk to a fellow Director who also just happens to be his wife like this...?

Fuck that.

goodnessidontknow · 18/02/2017 18:46

Yes you can sign for your own resignation 😀

RandomMess · 18/02/2017 19:15

All that nasty crap spouting out his mouth is to keep you trapped, wear away your self worth - he is so frightened of you leaving because HIS business is nothing without you...

I think as things escalate your anxiety will heighten Flowers you are being a perfectly normal, decent, human being unlike him!

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