I don't know where my boyfriend gets his money from??

[mummytotwo2]

Hi, i have been seeing a guy i met from instagram for 3 months now, everything has been great with this guy we became like best friends in an instant. He has met my kids and I've met his. He was friends with my sister but we had never met before until we started talking on IG. (he added me on there as he had my sister on there already)

One thing i'm curious about with him is that he NEVER goes into any detail about his life/background and he doesn't have a job but always seem to have money to take me out. He buys me gifts out of the blue sometimes if he's passing a shop where he sees something i'd mentioned i like but can't afford he just buys it me and gives it to me next time i see him. He bought my eldest daughter a new coat for school, he is always buying himself new things too, the other day he had two new tattoos done and i know they weren't cheap i asked him how much he paid for the latest big piece he had done he just said "does it matter".

all he says to me is that he's looking for a job but needs to be motivated to do a job otherwise he gets bored too quickly. Anything around money/income/job he just sort of brushes it off and laughs, like i went to pay for a cab we took into town last week and he said it doesn't matter he will pay and then i jokingly said to him "Oh you're loaded aren't you so it doesn't matter" but again he just laughs and says something like "well it's better to have money than not isn't it"

He very rarely tells me anything about his family outside of his children. He always keeps saying how life is stressful and how he gets depressed but i can't help him much because i just can't see what he is depressed about! he won't open up at all.

the reason i am interested about this is because i have basically opened up to him about every single personal and private thing i have been through and he's been so understanding and supportive and has never judged me for any of it, yet he himself hardly tells me anything about his life or about his current circumstances (plans for the future, etc)

am i just being overly nosey here or is it normal for a man to be this reserved about himself?

Londonsburning I've been on the dole, as have a lot of my friends, and we weren't spending 60 a month on gym memberships and getting huge tattoos. We were living in dread of ordinary occasions like loved one's birthdays or a pet needing to go to the vet's. It's a pretty bleak way to live in my experience, unless you sell drugs on the side.

Out of all the working class lads I grew up with, I never once met a gigilo. Lots and lots of drug dealers though.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

Wake up and smell the weed, OP

I think it's drugs as well, sorry.
Run a mile away from him pronto.
Read the first couple of chapters of Orange Is the New Black...he could very well be grooming you to do "little" favors for him-things that would make you culpable in the eyes of the law (meaning this could end up with you in prison). Do not risk it for yourself, and especially not for your children.

I think the fact he's still living with his mum is a red flag all by itself, and the inexplicable income added to that means, no matter how pretty he is, he's not good boyfriend material, let alone a potential stepfather.

Whether it's drugs, sex, or a generous level of pocket money from Mummy, I'd be wary of getting too serious with him.

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
OP I hope you are using good contraception.

Hi, thought i'd follow this thread up sorry it took a while been so busy!. Anyway when i had him on the phone last night and we were discussing what bar and restaurant we are going to go to this weekend he picked a really trendy place in the city where it costs about £30 for starters and has expensive meals. So i playfully said to him "oh yeah mate i'd like that i've just got to rob a bank first!". He laughed like he always does and said "don't worry i'll pay i don't mind i know you've had it tough recently the kids are at their dads lets treat ourselves"..so i said to him again in a jokingly kind of way "oh i know how you make your money" he said " oh yeah you should know i'm broke babe" and started laughing again.

He says he is broke and poor yet just 2 days ago he put a picture on instagram of him taking his son shopping in the city and he'd bought himself a new jacket from seflridges and bought his oldest son 2 bags of toys from the entertainer store. This came in my mind so i pressed him a bit further and he says that he just has some cash saved over as he doesn't believe in using banks too heavily and that i probably don't respect him or think hes a bum because he doesn't work (i don't think this at all but he seems to think i'd judge) he wants a good career so he's looking into studying psychology or philosophy but it's hard because nobody will give him a foot in the door without relevant experience?, He then said that i must think his dodgy or something and he said to me "Isn't your ex in prison? seems to me ur not exactly used to stand up guys ha ha" or something like that.

yes my ex was in prison but it was absolutely nothing to do with me. I'd already been split up from the ex for over a year before his sister told me he'd gone to prison. I only found out about this recently.

Then he started talking about how proud he is of me that i have the drive to go for the career i want and i am putting myself through work and college at the moment to get to where i want to be and he said he wishes he had the motivation to do the same but his upbringing and coming from the inner city means he will "always be handicapped" (his words) but he does believe he can get there eventually and he gets inspiration when he sees ppl like me doing iy?.

Some times he talks so fluently and flowingly without effort and i feel so dumb that i can't quite understand all these words and big phrases he just says so normally. Is that weird? He's not posh or anything but i feel like he deserves better than me sometimes. I can't beleieve this guy is even interested in me seriously.

I really don't think hes being supported by his mom as he's said quite often about how she was a single parent they lived in a rough area and how he'll always respect his mother because she did her best and provided for them even though they were poor. He said his mom has always worked and that's why he likes me because he says i have the same determination and drive to beat the odds and it reminds him of his mom.

Basically the whole conversation was about careers, jobs and plans for the future. He just keeps saying that he really wants a career but he won't settle for just any job because the media and the government says that's the right thing to do and that he doesn't want to become another sheep to the system. I assured him i'd help motivate him and help him look for something he likes to pursue career wise and he thanked me and said we should help each other. He agreed to look over my assignments for college and give his opinion on it as far it's worded etc

Sorry didn't have time to read over all the comments but one said he is on pot all the time, he doesn't smoke pot at all and only drinks very casually like if we go to the pub etc

it's all bullshit
you don't need a foot in the door or experience to study psychology, there are colleges where you can just go and sign up to a course and bloody do it!
he still hasn't explained where his money comes from and is flattering you/buying you stuff so you don't question him. If he isn't smoking weed...well, the cleverest dealers only sell.

He really doesn't need a foot in the door to study,,,that's nonsense. Seems he's not being honest with you. Sorry op. He's making excuses for not working.

So the upshot of that is that he is still bullshitting his way out of telling you where he gets his money. But that doesn't seem to bother you. Because he is good at talking bollocks and throws in a few references to psychology or philosophy, you have the (completely wrong) impression that he is too good for you.

Of course it's not your fault that your ex was in prison. But I think it's fair to assume that as somebody who ended up a convicted criminal, he wasn't good boyfriend/father material for you and your DC.

Please have a think about why you seem to have such low self respect that you allow these deadbeats into your life - and into your child's life too

So you had bs with some bs on top and some bs on the side all wrapped nicely in "big" words and conspiracy theories.
With the added benefit of no real answers and a kick to your self esteem. Great!

It's not clear if he is rolling in it or just using his benefit money. The weirdest thing is his not using banks. That suggests he is only dealing in cash. That would make me suspicious.

No he said that he has some cash saved up from before which is how he pays for things...

What I don't get is why on earth you just say to the man, "Look, I'm really confused. You have no job and therefore no obvious income yet you seem to have enough money for luxuries etc. How do you manage to do that?"

Talk frankly to him rather than dancing round the topic.

what's the money saved up from? It doesn't sound like you've been given any real, concrete information at all.

The saved up cash story is unlikely. If you have been looking for a job for ages you aren'y shopping at Selfridges and buying £30 starters on your savings.

Well that's unusual and dated. Many people barely use cash these days. I went to the pub to watch the rugby last weekend and everyone was using their contactless cards to pay for drinks all night.

he doesn't believe in using banks too heavily

Well this sounds like whatever he does is cash in hand, and that alone is worrying. Even if it's not drugs (which does sound likely), it sounds a lot like he's avoiding tax and earning illegally.

Can you just ask him straight, to his face, how he earns his money? Chances are he'll explode and end the relationship but that wouldn't be a bad thing.

i feel like he deserves better than me sometimes. I can't beleieve this guy is even interested in me seriously.

And this is why you probably won't end the relationship even though you should if he can't be honest and clear with you about his earnings.

having a job = being a sheep?

what a crock of shit.

He doesn't sign on because i have had to deal with the job centre recently during my transition between work and college and we've chatted on the phone about it and he said that he last was in the jobcentre years ago but was asking me if some things are still the same about it and saying he thinks people who work in those places are just robots etc and he was surprised when i told him i have a good relationship with the advisor i was dealing with. He also doesn't sign on or attend any appointments at the jobcentre all week cos since i've known him hes always been available any time of day during the week apart from mornings when he goes 2 the gym.

he has some cash saved up from before which is how he pays for things...

If this is true, he's an idiot for having what sounds like thousands upon thousands hidden in cash in his mattress. Plus it's almost certainly earned illegally. Run.

If it's not true, he's lying to you about his finances and earnings. Run.

Oh so he's not on any benefits.

"he wants a good career so he's looking into studying psychology or philosophy but it's hard because nobody will give him a foot in the door without relevant experience?"

Sorry but LOL, the pathway to getting a foot in the door to study such things is boringly well-known and has absolutely nothing to do with "relevant experience". You get A levels and a university place and a BA and an MA and a PhD and and and... and that is how it works. And how can you "not believe in using banks too heavily"? This isn't about solvency worries, for sure, because if you had your wealth spread between banks with the maximum government-guaranteed amount in each of them (£75000 I think at the moment) you'd have to have literally tens of millions before any risk arose.

Loads of cash. Not using banks. No income. No job.

Dodgy as fuck. Get out as fast as you can.

He's dodgy, op. Probably drugs, maybe thieving. But definitely dodgy. Don't get involved.

he thinks people who work in those places are just robots etc

So money and likely criminality aside, he's also just a standard garden snobbish bell end.

This guy has absolutely nothing going for him except a dodgy stream of money that's likely going to catch him up some day and pull you into the slipstream. Get rid and see a therapist to work on improving your picker.