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I cheated on my husband of 6 months - but I want to fix our marriage desperately

(64 Posts)
tac995 Sat 18-Feb-17 19:29:36

Hi guys,

My husband recently found out that I have been cheating on him.

We're both quite young (I'm 22 and he is 25) and we got married last July after being together for many happy years (since I was 16 basically). We have never had any major issues in our relationship and we were delighted to finally tie the knot in 2016.

In October, I moved to Paris for a few months to study abroad and this is where I ended up meeting a guy towards the last few weeks of my time there and ended up sleeping with him. It became a regular affair that lasted for about 3 weeks. I was guilty and ashamed of my actions but being so far away from my husband I was able to all too easily shy away from the reality and consequences of what I was doing. I was not emotionally involved with this guy, in fact from the moment my husband found out I had no qualms in cutting all connections with this other man. My only concern has since been helping mend my husband's broken heart.

He found out after reading texts from my phone and I made the foolish mistake of lying to him repeatedly after he found out in a botched attempt to spare him further pain by hiding the full truth. I know now that full honesty is what he needs/needed then.

I want more than anything to help mend our relationship but we are both confused. We still love each other very much and although his initial stance was to divorce me immediately, he has also since agreed that he is not ready to let go of what we have. I believe he too wants to fix our relationship but neither of us really know how to. I know he wants answers and tangible solutions from me but I'm lost as to what to offer him.

I have been constantly apologising to him, treating him with love and kindness, trying to be as completely honest as I can and doing everything to make him feel secure in our relationship. I really don't want to lose him for this cruel and selfish thing I did.

Has anyone been in the same position as me? Trying to make amends after having cheated on a loved one?

Any insight or advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

featherboafiend Sat 18-Feb-17 19:44:59

This sounds very familiar. I'm pretty sure your dh posted about this a day or two ago?

tac995 Sat 18-Feb-17 19:50:23

Yes, he did. You can see that we're both very confused, just looking for some objective opinions to help us get through this together, I hope.

GeekyWombat Sat 18-Feb-17 19:51:51

Why don't you talk to each other rather than both posting on the same message board?

tac995 Sat 18-Feb-17 19:57:13

I have been speaking to my husband constantly but feel like I am going in circles/repeating myself at this point. Just wanted some words of wisdom from someone who might have been in the same position as me before.

Imi22sleeping Sat 18-Feb-17 19:59:59

Trolls?

tac995 Sat 18-Feb-17 20:00:47

Sadly, not.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 18-Feb-17 20:01:29

you cheated, stop trying to make this about you and let him decide whether he wants stay stay with someone that cheated on him with someone that they didn't even care about.

bullyhfc Sat 18-Feb-17 20:03:02

Cheating is a deal breaker. Once that happens the relationship is dead in the water, IMO

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sat 18-Feb-17 20:03:16

You were 'delighted to tie the knot' & 'love each other very much' except you were fucking someone else 6 months later as soon as you were apart... Doesn't quite ring true does it?-well for one of you at least hmm
Perhaps you should have a look at the relationship & your behaviour -your DH deserves better, not sure why he's confused tbh.

Offred Sat 18-Feb-17 20:24:33

You got married too young and have messed things up.

I don't think it is fair to expect this to just be resolved or to expect that you can make it better.

You need to split up at least for a while so you can both get your heads straight and work out whether this relationship is what you want and whether you are even ready for marriage because marriage has fuck all to do with love, love is why you are in a relationship, commitment is why you get married and you've spectacularly failed at that already.

buckeejit Sat 18-Feb-17 20:26:44

Go to relate

Softkitty2 Sat 18-Feb-17 22:35:16

Too young. You probably subconciously wanted to see what its like with someone else. If you decide to work on the relationship be prepared to let everything go and him not resent you or hold it against you.

Also, be wary of tit for tat, he might feel inclined to cheat on you because you did it to him and now you will be even.

If he decides to forgive he has to do it wholeheartedly. As for you if you cheat a 2nd time then there is no point carrying on with the relationship.

NinonDeLanclos Sat 18-Feb-17 22:36:03

Half term.

Chinnygirl Sat 18-Feb-17 22:48:16

You don't cheat if you are happy with no issues.

Be honest with yourself why you cheated.

PeggyMitchell123 Sat 18-Feb-17 22:55:57

You don't cheat if you love your husband 6 months into marriage hmm You got together at a young age and did not have time for other relationships. Regardless you still cheated, lied and tried your best to hide your affair. You need to ask yourself why you did that and then it will be down to your husband if he forgives you.

Its good on your husband to even want to talk to you, mine would have left me as soon as he found out and i would leave him in the same circumstances.

NotTheFordType Sat 18-Feb-17 22:58:24

Sounds like you aren't inclined to monogamy.

Be honest with yourself and all your future partners about your intentions to be non-sexually-exclusive and you won't go wrong like this again.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sat 18-Feb-17 22:58:30

You cheated. Whether your marriage survives isn't your decision.

You have been married for six month yet you decided it was ok to have a quick shag with someone else.

Sorry but that isn't love.

DianaMitford Sat 18-Feb-17 23:00:41

Oh for goodness sake, she's looking for advice, not condemnation.

Mistakes happen and at least he knows now rather than you keeping a guilty secret for however long.

You are both very young. I married young and was unfaithful to my husband once, six months into it. It was a girl though and it was more about the pattern of going out and drinking than it was about the actual act.

All you can do is be honest and work through it if you can.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sat 18-Feb-17 23:02:45

Mistakes happen and at least he knows now rather than you keeping a guilty secret for however long.

Right that's ok then, as long as the OPs conscience is clear. hmm

WhooooAmI24601 Sat 18-Feb-17 23:03:34

There's absolutely nothing wrong with having flings and being free. If that's what you need, get divorced and do what you need to do. But to make vows to another individual and then go off getting your kicks elsewhere is callous, cruel and will destroy everything you have together.

Give him time and space. Give him the truth and an apology and let him work it out. Sadly it's no longer about what you want.

Ouriana Sat 18-Feb-17 23:05:48

My honest advice to you would be to tell him exactly how you feel, maybe by letter. Tell him totally honestly what you want for the future

Then move out. Give him time and space to come to terms with what happened and decide if he wants to be single or wants to be with you.

LazySusan11 Sat 18-Feb-17 23:06:42

If this is even real..

You only feel awful because you got found out, not because you chose to ignore your vows, disrespect and humiliate your husband.

Love isn't about causing someone else pain, you don't feel guilt because what you did was completely wrong you feel guilt because you were found out. There's no excuse for having sex with someone else when you're in a committed relationship and no amount of 'I'm sorry' will fix your marriage problems.

You're selfish and have no regard for the man you profess to love. He's better off leaving you and hopefully meeting someone who will be faithful.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 18-Feb-17 23:08:59

DianaMitford
Oh for goodness sake, she's looking for advice, not condemnation.

Yes, the advice is that its his choice not hers.

wherearemymarbles Sat 18-Feb-17 23:41:50

And from his thread the universal advise was to LTB.

Op I guess you have read his thread? Ball is in his court.

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