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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP not invited to sisters wedding after affair

253 replies

Turntheheatingdown · 12/02/2017 06:39

DP and I have been together for 14 years. Last year I found out he has been having a 10 month affair and we split. We have DS aged 3.

In October we agreed to try again. I didnt tell my family as I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. I accepted people were going to think I was making a stupid decision and after everything I had been through I wanted to protect myself from more stress.

When my DSis found out about DPs affair she sent him a text telling him what she though of him. In a fit of anger, DP contacted her fiance and told him about some of her past behaviour from before they were together. She has been the OW once. So, in essence, he tried to break up her engagement (he didnt succeed) and they have not spoken since.

So, wrongly or righly I have been keeping two sides of my life separate (much as he did I suppose when having the affair for 10 months and telling OW I didnt exist).

My wedding invite arrived this week and DP opened it, saw only me and DS invited (I'm a bridemaid and DS is pageboy) and has exploded. He thought my family knew we were back together and thinks it was a snub.

I guess I had buried my head in the sand about the whole thing and thought I had a couple more months to come clean.

I have told my family this week that we are back together and without any prompting DSis has said he can come to the wedding. I can tell my family are disapointed we are back together and they are worrying about me but no one has made any bad comments (well to my face anyway).

Ive said I want him at the wedding but am not prepared to agree to that unless DP apologises to DSis for what he tried to do. Its her big day, she shouldnt have to be made uncomfortable on it! At the moment she doesnt even want to be in the same room as him as he hurt her so badly. Wedding is 5 months away.

DP absolutely refuses to apologise, says if I think like that we are over and he will do everything he can to stop DS attending the wedding including turning up at the wedding (3 hours away) and making a scene.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
IrianOfW · 12/02/2017 19:48

Dump him! I and still with H after his affair but the difference is he was humble, remorseful and prepared to do anything to fix the mess he had made. I would struggle to forgive him for the affair and then in the aftermath having the gall to try to hurt my sister like that. That is not a humble or remorseful man.

Viviennemary · 12/02/2017 19:48

Yes it was mean. But I hardly think your DS should be taking the high moral ground about affairs if she herself has been the OW even if it was before she met her current partner.

MixedGrill · 12/02/2017 19:56

He won't change. He really won't.
He is on his second chance and he is threatening you and your sister, calling you a cunt, shouting his mouth of over the other woman (he clearly thinks you are lucky to have him) , blaming you and throwing stuff. When he is on his second chance!

Actually I think he could get worse because he thinks he's been allowed back so he can get away with anything.

His reaction over the fact that you hadn't told your family he was back was not sadness and self-reflection that he was not yet trusted, or to think 'poor Turn, this must be so hard for her, I have massively caused embarrassment for her in her family' but to have a savage go at you and play victim. And still consider he owes your SIL and BIL no apology.

He won't get better, just nastier and more controlling.

MixedGrill · 12/02/2017 20:01

She wasn't taking the moral high ground, vivienne, she was having a go at the man who betrayed her sister. As the SIL of the man she had an affair with might have done to him. It's not the best behaviour to be the OW, but the person with responsibility for the DW is the DH. And his the OP's action was vicious spiteful destructive revenge. She told him what she thought of him hurting her sister, he took spiteful revenge. Don't make out this was understandable and ok.

HelenDenver · 12/02/2017 20:01

Contrary as ever, Vivienne.

MixedGrill · 12/02/2017 20:11

Ah, ok, 'she' has form then?

ProphetOfDoom · 12/02/2017 20:16

Your sister put aside her deep hurt because she loves you. Love is about putting the other person first. You and she get that.

Your not-so DP doesn't. Never will. He is nasty & cruel. His sense of betrayal?! Please give your family unit - you & ds - a chance of happiness.

Surreyblah · 12/02/2017 20:19

Getting back together with him isn't working out, is it?

For a start he's not taken proper responsibility for his affair, or what he did to your sister.

He has no right to have expected you to tell your family about the reconciliation until YOU were ready.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 12/02/2017 20:23

God, get rid of him. Awful fucker.

And next time you have trouble, make your sister stay out of it. She had a go at a total cunt for an affair knowing he knows she had one. Not the best idea.

HelenaGWells · 12/02/2017 20:25

Hope you can get some good legal advice and get out op. Good luck.

TheQuestingVole · 12/02/2017 20:29

So if getting you in debt, being verbally abusive to you, cheating on you for nearly a year, trying to break up your sister's relationship, threatening to spoil your son's day as a pageboy, threatening to disrupt a family wedding and causing you to lose friends aren't enough for you to dump him ... what actually WOULD make you dump him?

He is a massive bully and your family must be distraught that you are still in a relationship with him.

Original poster
Turntheheatingdown · 12/02/2017 20:34

My sister wasnt taking the moral high ground, she was having a go at him for the way he went about the affair, and what he put me and DS through until the affair came to light, the mental torture he put me through. For example, saying he was on his way home at 6pm on a friday night but not arriving until Monday morning and keeping his phone off. Every weekend and maybe 1 night a week. For 10 months. He got away with it for so long as his dad had cancer and he would lie about visiting him and also bringing up his own mental health issues. I stuck my head in the sand and didnt confide in anyone for the whole time as I was confused and ashamed.

It was so painful never knowing what every weekend would bring, not being able to plan anything as I was desperate to spend time together as a family (bur he would never of course be there). I wouldnt see friends or family as I didnt want them to realise he was missing. Living like that totally saps you mentally, it really really does.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 12/02/2017 20:36

So have you broken up?

Original poster
Turntheheatingdown · 12/02/2017 20:41

Haven't spoken to him. I don't know where he is.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 12/02/2017 20:44

He wants to split from you - is split from you - he is just enjoying the drama before he finally heads off into the sunset. Just read the writing on the wall and get out.

Hissy · 12/02/2017 21:04

God what a truly horrendous individual! He really is disgusting, hiding behind his sick dad as an excuse?

He's abusive and controlling, he has no right to dictate shit to you.

You can prove where that debt went, regardless of whose names are on the credit agreement, deduct it from the equity, throw the remainder at him in bags of coins and tell him to go fuck himself.

Even That is more respect than he deserves!

SuperPug · 12/02/2017 21:11

Reading your second post, I think that should decide things for you. Although it's easy to say that as an outsider.
After the affair, he should have been doing everything to make it up to you, if that's what you wanted. To humiliate your sister and speak to you like that is inexcusable. Life can and will be better without someone like that. I would also make a clear record of his comments as I'm guessing this is important when it comes to access arrangements.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 12/02/2017 21:16

Ergh what a total fucking disaster of a human being. Fuck him. He's bringing nothing at all to the table and torturing you in the process.

RedastheRose · 12/02/2017 21:26

He's an emotionally abusive bastard. May well be a full in narcissist, read up about them and see if it hits home. If so get shot of the bastard he will not change, in fact he was never a nice man to start off with just pretended to be because you served a purpose. As you are tenants in common in equal shares his debt attaches to his share only not yours. The ccj for the joint credit card which is really his debt you will need specialist advice on. Go see a solicitor explain circumstances and see what they suggest about getting him to shoulder responsibility for that debt.

dangerrabbit · 12/02/2017 21:27

Dump the motherfucker already.

SandyY2K · 12/02/2017 21:31

On reading your first post, I did think that your Dsis was hypocritical, because she was part of infidelity in another relationship, where the wife was betrayed just like you. The thing is nobody ever thinks of the pain they're causing, unless the betrayed party is their loved one.

Nonetheless, he should never have contacted her fiancé and if he felt she had no place to talk, he could have had that conversation with her directly and not with her fiancé.... But he decided to be spiteful in spite of his wrongdoing which was way out of line. It would be different if you sis cheated on her fiancé , but she didn't.

Back to the here and now, your DP is unremorseful and manipulative. A grown man threatening to ruin your sisters wedding! That's diabolical abd thst would be reason enough to be done with him.

Then he says the OW is better then you! And you're still with why?
He throws a coat in your face and then texts an apology.

You can do better than him. Your sister shouldn't have him at the wedding, because he's really not a nice person, and I say not nice, rather than let rip and tell you what he really is.

You're not married . Any debts in his name are his to pay. Get him out if your life and have a civil coparenting relationship. You're sister shouldn't have to have him anywhere near her on such a special day.

ilovelamp82 · 12/02/2017 22:23

Kick him out. Get legal advice. Look forward to every day of your life getting better and better. Every day getting a little bit of your old self back before he ground you down to what you are today.

You deserve to be happy. A life with this man only guarantees unhappiness. Don't do that to yourself. Life is too short.

twoblueskies · 12/02/2017 22:30

Dear Op , you have nothing to be ashamed of , you have covered his absence , his affair , his disrespect of you so you don't have to admit what your life is really like. while you do this for him you are enabling him to continue his abuse.

I hope you now find the strength to be honest and tell others of how he treats you and get their support while you remove yourself from him. you may even get the friends back you lost because of him.

We all have that wish for the perfect family of two parents together , and yes while perfection doesn't exist , it has different shades , he is no where near behaving good enough to deserve living as a complete father in the family , and does he really want that ? he disappears while you are at home with your new baby , living a new life with another women and doesn't show any true remorse when he is found out .

the only good coming out of this is you are now being honest ( on mn anyway) making changes for you and your child and have the backing of what sounds like a lovely sister , who must be so worried about you .

cmon heating , you can do this , stop being his doormat , stand up to him and stop feeling ashamed .... you haven't done anything wrong . he most definately has and mental health is no excuse for his behaviour

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/02/2017 22:42

You don't know where he is? Then he's probably with an OW, maybe the original one, maybe another one. Accept that, accept that he's a headfucker scumbag and get rid of him.

See the solicitor - I hear what you're saying about joint debts and tenants in common but the fact still remains that there may well be wriggle room in terms of what he gets out of it, seeing how little he's put in.

Just get all your stuff together while he's out the way - he's giving you a GREAT opportunity here, so use it! - paperwork, bank statements, joint account stuff (if you have one), passports, EVERYTHING. Take copies of anything that you think he'll demand or miss. Do it all NOW while you have the chance.

And then tomorrow go and see a solicitor, please. Get him out. Your DS will be far more damaged living in a "family unit" that has this knobcheese in it as well, than living with just you and only seeing the knobcheese sometimes.

Oh and TELL YOUR SISTER. And your family, and anyone else - tell them that you tried to make a go of it but have realised he's an utterly abusive dickweed and you need to get rid of him permanently. Tell them - it's all on HIM, HIS behaviour, HE's the wanker. You are being sensible to get rid of him - the shame is ALL his.

KateTempestisAwesome · 12/02/2017 22:49

L to the T to the B
You deserve a zillion times better 🌻