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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP not invited to sisters wedding after affair

253 replies

Turntheheatingdown · 12/02/2017 06:39

DP and I have been together for 14 years. Last year I found out he has been having a 10 month affair and we split. We have DS aged 3.

In October we agreed to try again. I didnt tell my family as I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. I accepted people were going to think I was making a stupid decision and after everything I had been through I wanted to protect myself from more stress.

When my DSis found out about DPs affair she sent him a text telling him what she though of him. In a fit of anger, DP contacted her fiance and told him about some of her past behaviour from before they were together. She has been the OW once. So, in essence, he tried to break up her engagement (he didnt succeed) and they have not spoken since.

So, wrongly or righly I have been keeping two sides of my life separate (much as he did I suppose when having the affair for 10 months and telling OW I didnt exist).

My wedding invite arrived this week and DP opened it, saw only me and DS invited (I'm a bridemaid and DS is pageboy) and has exploded. He thought my family knew we were back together and thinks it was a snub.

I guess I had buried my head in the sand about the whole thing and thought I had a couple more months to come clean.

I have told my family this week that we are back together and without any prompting DSis has said he can come to the wedding. I can tell my family are disapointed we are back together and they are worrying about me but no one has made any bad comments (well to my face anyway).

Ive said I want him at the wedding but am not prepared to agree to that unless DP apologises to DSis for what he tried to do. Its her big day, she shouldnt have to be made uncomfortable on it! At the moment she doesnt even want to be in the same room as him as he hurt her so badly. Wedding is 5 months away.

DP absolutely refuses to apologise, says if I think like that we are over and he will do everything he can to stop DS attending the wedding including turning up at the wedding (3 hours away) and making a scene.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
DefinitelyOdd · 12/02/2017 10:49

LTB. He sounds like a complete cunt.

You and your son can and will do better then him.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/02/2017 10:49

I don't think I've ever seen a unanimous LTB.

I hope that's telling enough for you, Turn.

Please don't let this be your son's example of a relationship growing up.

ProphetOfDoom · 12/02/2017 10:51

Wishing you well, OP.

You have the support of your family & all MN willing you on Flowers. Stay strong.

Wolpertinger · 12/02/2017 10:51

So he thinks he had an affair because your relationship was having problems.

Doing the sums on your DS's age, could the problems by any chance be that you had a small child now and weren't giving him your undivided attention?

He's an arse. See a solicitor and get rid.

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2017 10:55

I've only read page 1

Run. Run like the fucking wind. And don't look back.

I'm really sorry if the thread has progressed since then, but your first few posts have provoked an extremely strong reaction in me

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/02/2017 10:55

Go and see a good lawyer. Find out exactly where you'd stand after a split.

LordPercy · 12/02/2017 10:58

What exactly are you getting from a relationship which this self centred, controlling, narcissistic man child? 🤔

Good on your DSis staying he can come to her wedding, I wouldn't have him within a square mile of it.

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2017 11:03

Right, I've now skimmed and read op's posts

You really need to see a solicitor asap.

Whilst you're waiting to see a solicitor you need to be prepared.

Gather your documents:
Passports
Birth certificates
Bank statements
Housing payments/rent/mortgage details
Drivers license (both parts)
Insurance details (home/life/car)
Ds's red book
Any savings accounts/investments
Keep all texts

Gather them up and give them to your sister. Keep them safe and away from him. It may not be needed, but you need to be prepared

Astro55 · 12/02/2017 11:05

How are you feeling OP?

EweAreHere · 12/02/2017 11:27

Agree with toptoe.

Google them.

And get a good solicitor.

You deserve better.

Your son deserves a better full time role model.

Do you want your son to grow up and treat women this way?

No! Show him that's not how it's done. Kick him to the kerb and leave him there.

calzone · 12/02/2017 11:35

Unanimously voted for you to LTB.

PLEASE LISTEN.

CookieLady · 12/02/2017 11:36

Be strong and leave him. You'll be a lot happier. You deserve much better than this. Flowers

TSSDNCOP · 12/02/2017 11:36

Give him 20 grand, use 30 to pay for the debt and send him on his way with a jaunty fuck off.

Weddings, kids, houses...hard as it is, There are time when you have to just tell someone to take a hike. Now is that time.

notapizzaeater · 12/02/2017 11:40

I don't think one person here has said work it through :-(

Get rid of him

Albatross26 · 12/02/2017 11:43

He is awful. Taking no responsibility at all for his own appalling behaviour. Have my first ever LTB

Whisky2014 · 12/02/2017 11:47

Read page 1. Fucking leave him!!!! NOW!

twoblueskies · 12/02/2017 12:07

hi OP
i hope you have got your son and no drama today .
Im worried about you and how your DH (?) is behaving .
he had an affair , did you find out and confront him , how did he behave ? who initiated the break up , and getting back together . i ask this because this may tell you about what to expect when you make your own decisions in future.

your sister and family sound lovely , i can hear you trying to protect them , esp your sister from him . but have you been honest about everything , like you have on here, do they know the extent of his threats towards you . Please tell them , maybe you could take your little boy and stay with them .
How are things with his family, you dont mention his, or your relationship with them..... or how they are with your son.

I really feel for you , you have done nothing wrong except try to make everything work for everyone else ..... but he is a bully and a dangerous man to be around
Have you spoken to womens aid , and look at the freedom approach of how to move yourself from an abusive relationship .speak to your gp , you have done nothing wrong

now is the time to stop this and get help for yourself and your son .

centreyourself · 12/02/2017 12:08

Hi turn sounds like you are listening to everyone and are making steps mentally to get rid.

If you were clinging on to anything at all in terms of salvaging this relationship I think mumsnetters have explained to you (sorry truly hope that doesn't sound patronising) how utterly despicable he is.
There is absolutely no reason on this earth to hold on to this utter piece of shit, other than not being able to face the split. But now you know you can come here at anytime of the day or night and get support.
You have a family who love you and a sister who was prepared to make a big sacrifice (having someone she must loathe at her wedding) for you.
You're not dependent on him financially in fact he's a total impediment to your financial well-being.
You will have shown him and yourself where the line is in the sand (other woman is "better"😲)
Your son will know who he is and what standards of behaviour are and should be.
You are and will continue to get good advice on here about practical matters
All that nagging, horrible doubt about doing the right thing will disappear because you knew you weren't (by taking him back).
I agree with the pp who said he is worse than narcissistic, he sounds psychotic.
Please take strength from us and begin practical steps tomorrow.

Bambambini · 12/02/2017 12:09

How can you ever be happy or trust this man - he will keep bringing you down.

dotdotdotmustdash · 12/02/2017 12:13

His words and actions are telling you clearly what kind of person he is. Please believe him.

katiemarnie · 12/02/2017 12:20

This man has no respect for you. It's very hard to be in an relationship with someone like that.
OP I hope you find happier times.

Huskylover1 · 12/02/2017 12:28

You need a good Solicitor. Don't give him a penny until you've done that. Whose name is the £30k debt in? Is it secured on the property? Whose name is the house in?

All of this aside, he sounds quite unhinged. I'm guessing he wasn't always like this, or you wouldn't be with him. And I get that makes it hard to split, as he is all you have known for 14 years. But he has changed (for whatever reason), he has cheated and doesn't regret it. He is even rubbing your face in it, with the comments about OW being better. So you really have no option other than to leave him.

I left a 20 year relationship....took me 4 years to actually find the courage....and it was fine. Have a lovely DH now. You deserve better than this.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/02/2017 12:29

Please heed the great advice on offer. You know it makes sense. You and your child deserve so much more.
Get the ball rolling, then you can enjoy the wedding.
Please don't keep secrets from your family, who love you, take comfort in their support.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 12/02/2017 13:54

You need to leave him. He's such a poor example to your son.

MyheartbelongstoG · 12/02/2017 14:03

My ex husband loved to tell me his first wife was better than me.

So, I left him.

Your dh has no respect for you and maybe he says such things to keep you in your place so to speak.

After all, shouldn't you be grateful that a cheating scumbag came back to you.

You deserve so much better than him.

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