My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Well he's definitely distanced himself. So completely and suddenly. All because he felt we were in a rut? After 19 years. Bleugh.
And I'm now waiting for him to drop the girls off after their fun filled weekend. I'm struggling to get my 3yr old to poo on the toilet and he does bowling and cinema visits. It makes me angry. X

Anger is a good sign.I think you need it to start recovery as you wake up to what he has done.

As pinkunicorns says it's weak men that do this and if I'm honest I guess I knew deep down stbxh was very weak and it was me keeping it together.When I wanted my emotional needs met he bailed.

Heartbroken, you are so very young so have a life time of love ahead of you.Use this experience however to value yourself.Don't rush any other dates as you need to learn what you will not tolerate in the next relationship.There will have been red flags that you missed so learn these and how to put in place good boundaries.

Blimey, I could have written this myself - I'm in a similar situation. I have read the replies and they have helped. My husband and I have been together for 10 years - we have a 2 year old son who was conceived following IVF (the fourth time). He told me the day after Boxing Day he didn't love me anymore and had been thinking of leaving for 10 months!! I am in total shock and disbelief. He denied there was someone else but suffice to say I found a whole load of texts message between him and a woman at work. He is now seeing her and being completely vile to me - all about money issues. You have received some good advice on here and it's helped me too just reading it. I am starting counselling on Tuesday as I just cannot cope with this grief and still having to see him - I wish I could just cut him out. I've got a solicitor and the divorce papers have been signed. I am determined to stay in our home - he wants us out so he can sell and move on. I am sooooo angry with him for what he has done. Everyone has said you will get over this and hopefully we both do eventually; at the moment, the pain is excrutiating. xx

Yeah mine was definitely weak during his emotional detachment of me. I always said that since august I felt like I had him on a rope trying to pull him back in. I did the washing, cooking, school runs (after a night shift) and swimming lessons and brownies. He just looked after him. Maybe I looked after him and the house too well. He drank on his PC upstairs and I'd be downstairs watching telly. He used to watch with me.
He took his wedding ring off last summer saying his hands were swollen?? It never went back on.
I always felt like an intruder around him in the last 6 months. Almost like I had to earn the right to his attention.
Then the what's app message with a girls name, his after work pub visits, frequent overnight work things he had to attend. The impotence with me. Payday loans (he's on £48k a year!)
The porn he watched rather than coming to bed with me when we were child free.
It's horrible. X

Just want to say, I hear you ladies! I'm in exactly the same boat.. it's soul destroying!... what keeps me going is the thought that thousands have been through this and come out the other side with happy, fulfilled lives!

We've just got to keep on, keeping on. Taking each day as it comes, hour by hour, min by min.

At least we can hold our heads up high and know that our morals are intact!

Sending love to all, on this shitty journey 💐 xx

I wish I could link to some of my original threads, but they are gone now. I posted of the utter despair and devastation that I felt, and when I reread some of those threads later on, I felt so sorry for that woman, and couldn't believe that it was me who posted those things as I was bereft.

When your husband leaves so suddenly, it is as if he had died. He is gone, you are without him, yet actually he is still there, he just doesn't want you , so you have the feelings of rejection also as somebody posted earlier.

The last thing you want is to see that person, but if you have children , you have to deal with them in some way. My XH wanted to come into the house, lets be friends! I couldn't see him without crying, so didn't see him at all, not once it was totally clear to me that it was over.

You think you have lost your soul mate, you think you can't last a day without them, but you do. you get through 1 day, then 2 days, then it's1 week, then 1 month, 1 year.... one day you just realise that you are ok and that it doesn't hurt as much any more.

I can talk about it now without crying. That is how I know that I have healed. I despise him. I despise his girlfriend. but she is a serial cheat so I know how their story will end. It used to be all I longed for, but now I know I couldn't give a damn. That is how I know that I have healed.

It is literally a step at a time, day by day. Old cliches, but true.

There is a "script" somewhere, I will try and link it.

"Mine still uses his house key to our home too which rattles me! But I won't ask for it for some reason!"
Please, get a chain fitted. Put it on when you are in the house so that he has to ring the bell. This is no longer his home, and you are entitled to privacy from him.

He doesn't get to keep you and your home as potential fall-back position. And please don't hope he would actually do that, he won't . But it all adds to him feeling 'in charge', and particularly in charge of YOU. Don't allow him his little power trip. When you feel stronger, ask for the key back. He won't be able to give a decent reason for keeping it. Just calmly repeat that this is not his home any more and you don't want people who don't live here to be able to just walk in.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

The above link is the "Mid Life Crisis Script for Dummies". it details, virtually word for word, what a lot of men say when they leave a marriage.

Read it, it might make you feel better. It might make you realise that it is not all your fault, it might make you realise that he is just a useless tosser following the well worn path of so many tossers before him.

Yeah I read the script. And most of it was my OH to the letter. A friend linked me to it actually.

I regret investing myself so much into him. I have no close friends anymore because he never liked anyone I got close to. I have friends but nobody I can speed dial in a dire moment. Thankfully I have an amazing sister and mum who have got me through. And now I'm coping better being alone, I've found sex and the city and gossip girl reruns are really cheering me up!

My sister says he'll come crawling back one day. And I've been holding onto her words. My mum says when that day comes, she hopes I can send him packing. To be honest, most of the time I don't think I'd cope with the unknowns and who or what he was doing during the time he was gone. And the fact that he's showing no signs of wanting back in makes me think I have to just push forward.

I'm trying to look after myself more. Making myself put my make up on and facing the day with a smile if I can. But it's hard. I think of him all the time. I have constant headaches and still cry at times.

At age 36, and with 2 young girls, I can't imagine anyone ever wanting me. But that might be because my confidence is on the floor at the moment. Hopefully time will heal my self worth.

Being 36 with 2 girls, yes it may be harder to find someone because men are likely to want someone younger and it is (as you've seen with your DH) but the solution is to not care.

Fill your life with other things, your hobbies your passions, your girls. If romantic love happens then it is a bonus but don't make it the be all and end all of your life and certainly don't base your self-worth on it.

I rushed into online dating to prove that somebody would want me. I had one date and cried all the way home because he wasn't my husband.

I then left it a couple of years and I did date someone for a few months. That didn't work out but it proved to me that I can be with someone else (hard after ten years with one person), and also that I'm better off on my own than be with the wrong person.

36 is still very young. My brother married last year and his wife is lovely, with two DC. Both DB and DSIL are in their early 40's.

There's hope out there for us all, not that I can be bothered looking at the moment.

No I'm definitely not looking for love at the moment but it just adds to the heartbreak x

OMG! That script!! It would be hilarious if it wasn't so heartbreakingly true!!

The script has a use. It helps you to see that his behaviour has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with anything you did, didn't do, were, weren't. His behaviour is just about him and his inadequacies, and how banal and stereotypical he really is.

So has anyone ever had any experience of their leaver regretting what they did? X

Mine is apparently perfectly happy with his gf three years on, from the kids' reports of them doing stuff together. And if they ever fall out I doubt he'd come to me having had success with women ten years younger, spending money on a divorce (he would consider it a waste) and knowing that I can't stand the sight of him.

There is no such thing as karma. And the sooner you stop caring about what he is doing, the sooner you can get on with your life. Revenge fantasies are sweet, but rot the teeth.

I wonder now whether I miss him, or normality as I knew it. My eldest who's 7 has just come down sobbing. I always have this when he returns them to me. It breaks my heart. This is the shite they miss after they've jumped ship!

I know - my 4 YO calls daddy in his sleep. When I wake up in the morning it's the worst. The kids are asleep and the house is silent - heavy feeling in my chest

There's absolutely no point in letting your guard down and getting into relationships. Especially when they can deceive you and let you think all is ok while they plot and plan to leave you. I'll never trust again. X

You don't have to start a new relationship if you don't want to. I found that after my ex left I gradually rediscovered the old me, that had interests and plans and made friends as an individual, not half a couple. It can feel quite liberating. I spent a while alone, doing stuff for me, and really felt like I'd forgotten I was a fully rounded person in my own right. I've since had a couple of more casual relationships, frankly just to get more experience really, as like you I settled down early. That has expanded my horizons a bit too.

One thing I have realised, though, is that if I do enter into a long-term relationship again, the circumstances will be totally different. We wouldn't be starting a family or imagining living together for potentially 50 years. Neither would become a SAHP who was financially dependent on the other. We'd both already have careers and experience behind us, possibly both having learned to communicate with a partner better through relationship experience. At our age we'd be less likely to change our attitude or character radically over time. Neither of us would be in any particular rush to settle or move in together. We'd both have less to lose if we wanted to split up, so might be able to do it in a more honest, kind way.

So I don't think that my experience means I should avoid another relationship. Of course you feel that way now, after such a short time, but don't forget that there are many reasons why a future relationship would be a different thing altogether.

Eye opening reading this ladies. 😳

What's the book like ?! I feel like I have kind of been ghosted in a way after 10 years together.

It's been a while since I read it, but it made me realise that I wasn't the only person going through it, and actually not as bad off as some of the people it had happened to, although it didn't stop the pain I was feeling, it helped to know that this happens to lots of people.

bones somebody I know left their wife, went off with somebody younger, got her pregnant, started seeing his wife again behind the girlfriend's back, she found out and left him, he went back to his wife and has his baby every weekend! Not many wives would take him back in that situation and we have all told him she is a saint!....

raven you are right, it is better to love yourself first before finding somebody else. I feel like it would just complicate life too much at the moment, DD can be a handful at times, so I concentrate on me and her and our relationship is the only one that matters to me at the moment.

Heartbroken the book is good. It helps you realise why they act the way they do. For example, mine was very angry at me when he first left and it was almost like he rewrote our history. The book explains it all.
It also helped me understand his pre leaving emotional detachment of me. It's really eye opening. X