My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

When can I expect his karma to hit him? I ant believe he's giving up a situation that was so good! It's crazy. And I just don't understand it at all. X

It will... but for now try to forget about him and concentrate on you. So easy to say but so hard to do. Read other MN threads too, there are soooo many people in the same boat, take some comfort from others who understand how you are feeling right now

I've rejoined the gym yesterday and I'm feeling stronger every day.
Been spending loads of quality time with my girls this week.
But I'm afraid I'll be waiting for when the truth comes out. I can't wait for the day to come. Then that will be my spring board to start divorce proceedings. X

How you getting on Bones?

I feel like I'm getting better every day. But only so much as I'm coping. I'm scared that my feelings towards him may change. What if I fall out of love with him completely? I know I'm not thinking about him as much but I still miss him too.
It's strange really but I'm coming to the conclusion now that what will be will be. I can't change how things are and don't feel I could've prevented his boredom because I tried with all my might to keep him interested before he left. So if he wants the single life or he's met someone, I have to let him go.
If he's not met anyone and we are meant to be, I have to believe he'll find his way back at some point.
One thing though - this has completely changed me as a person. I see perspectives that I never saw before. There are bigger things in life that are way more important than what I thought before.
My girls are my future now. I thought he was too but he obviously doesn't feel the same about me.

He might feel the same, confused, messed up, regretful. You just have to concentrate on you and your kids right now. Everyone has a completely different situation and sometimes I think on MN you get a one size fits all response. Just keep going, try not to think too much about long term future. That's what I'm doing. Not that I'm sure I'm doing it right...

Tbh it would do you good to fall out of love with him completely. It will help you move on, which is what you need to do to be happy. Even if there isn't an OW (will probably be one shortly, if not already) he's treated you and the kids terribly unfairly. I always thought my OH was a lovely, trustworthy person, didn't occur to me he would ever behave badly. Yet he finally admitted was looking round for someone to go out with during a 'rough patch' (which I knew nothing about) some time ago. You are not alone in wondering who the hell this person is you devoted your life to. Makes me so insecure for the future, so you're best disconnecting as much as possible now he's taken it this far.

When do they realise the mistake they're making and what they've lost? I feel like I'm in limbo. Waiting for either my answer or karma. X

Some do and some don't. From your OP it sounds like he checked out ages ago and I would agree with others it smells like OW.

Stop waiting for him to change or regret things. Sounds like you are doing a better job of taking care of yourself now. I think you perhaps need to accept that it's over and work out what your future looks like.

I'm a single parent and honestly it's really ok xxx

I couldn't have him back anyway. I'd never trust him because I feel in my heart he's lied so much. Even if there isn't an OW, he lied to me when he told me he loved me didn't he? X

But he also left me with a lot of guilt when he seemed so angry at me. That's hard to process and understand.
Then he seemed to move on so quick. Getting me off the joint account, viewing flats, paying the car finance. It hurts that he wanted out so badly and didn't tell me. And I want to know why. There must be a reason better than us being in a rut!
I need to self heal and get my worth back. 😢

I'm in the same position and it's killing me. I have to children (a 5 year old and 20 month old) and he's left me. Said we argued to much etc etc but also admitted to having feelings for OW at work. I'm devastated - how could he throw away 10 years ..I can't eat, I can't sleep, I don't know what to do with myself.

So sorry to hear that heartbroken. It's horrible isn't it? I've lost 2 stone in 10 weeks. My mum and sister had to step in in the first few weeks to help me look after my kids.

When did he leave you? Was it out the blue? X

To start to heal you need to accept that the ex's decision was about what they wanted and nothing to do with you.

You need to accept that you may never get the answers.

You need to allow yourself to go through the pain of mourning for what you thought you had. I know it sounds weird but just let yourself go through it because you will come out the other side and it will get better.

Get constructive. Don't wait for them to decide how this works out. Start planning, get Legal advice etc the control of your future will make you feel better and more positive.

Focus on the basics. Your job and your kids and you.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. Walk.
Swim. Take long baths. Allow yourself to cry. Get real life support and talk it through. Once you say it out loud it will feel better. Cuddle the kids a lot.

Big hugs. It will get better xxx

Hi bones, he left me in September after our sons christening, said he wasn't in love with me anymore and left, after some snooping/looking at phone bills he had been having an emotional affair with OW from work. I begged for him back. He came back for a few weeks and I thought we were making ago of it - he then took OW out behind my back. I found out by tracking his phone (how pathetic I know). Once being caught out he told me he thinks he loves her and was sorry for putting me and kids through it. A few days later he came bk to our home, one min being normal and the next being distant. I should have just kicked him out but 1. It's half his home 2. I'm a door Matt who can't let him go for some strange reason. He left Thursday after I confronted him about him being off - he said he doesn't think he can get the feelings he once had for me back and stayed at his moms. I lie here with a heavy pain in my chest. I lost a stone in 6 weeks from 9 stone to 8. I've drank wine tonight but I'm still pining for him even tho I know it's wrong.

bones and heartbroken I'm 5 years on from XH ending our marriage out of the blue. He denied OW but was having affair with woman young enough to be his daughter. He suddenly announced he no longer loved me. He was also suddenly impotent. I think it's the guilt that does it.

I was devastated and thought I'd never get over it, thought I would die from grief. I begged him to come back and he did for a short time and then left again.

He changed from being my best friend and the love of my life, to a man I hardly recognise. He's now aggressive towards me and we have minimal contact over DC. It's all about him now and he rarely sees DC.

It's very hard in the beginning but you will get through it. I didn't believe it but it does get better. It just takes time. They move on so quickly because they've already checked out when they develop feelings for OW. Meanwhile, you are left shocked and traumatised. Google "the leaver and the left", it explains it well.

There's a good book called Runaway Husbands, which I read. I also had a lot of counselling and anti depressants.

You need to concentrate on you now.

I can't fully accept that there is another woman until I know for certain. But his impotence was very unusual for him so that did make me think. Once I know if there's someone, I'll be able to move on. X

I've ordered the runaway husbands book too x

I still can't fully accept that he'd cheat on me. X

Yeah but a lot of people don't expect it from their husbands. People on here swear their husbands wouldn't - put if someone turns their head then yes they would

He's just text me about the service plan on his car. And even talking about that with him completely sets me back. The lack of a 'x' on his texts really kill me. Just makes me want to wail! I'm so pathetic! X

You need to take some control over the situation. Does he really need to tell you about the plan on his car? I'd be telling him it's nothing to do with you any more, you're not interested.

I'd also start with making changes with the house (which you said he didn't want you to do)! Have a clear out, pack up his stuff, a couple of tins of paint, rearrange furniture. Even new bedding and towels! Doesn't have to cost a lot. Make a new start for yourself and the kids. Don't let him think he's got you hanging in the background if things go tits up with OW. Concentrate on your new life without him and put thoughts of OW in the back of your mind.

And good luck. I'm sure you'll be just fine!

I know I need to get stronger. He had such a hold over me emotionally for a long time before he left so I'm still recovering I think. I do feel better every week but I'm slow in my recovery because I've had no answers off him.
19 years together is such a long time and I'm sad that he's seeming so quick to throw it all away. I'm starting counselling again soon so hopefully that will help me. X

Feeling so completely cut off and deserted has devastated me. X

It's hard, so hard, but you just have to go through it, like the bear hunt, you can't go round it, over it or under it, only through it.

My XH was also in another room on the computer, messaging OW. His mobile phone habits totally changed, PIN, wouldn't let it out his sight, slept with it next to him, wouldn't let me touch it whereas before I'd always answered messages for him when he was driving.

My X also refused to attend counselling. I begged him, hoped he would come out of his infatuation with OW, asked him how he could leave 3yo DD. He was so cold and hard, just insisted he no longer loved me so no point in trying counselling.

all my friends and family were astounded that he left and that he could have an affair. It was the last thing I thought he would ever do. But a certain set of circumstances happened and he spent time with OW and that was it, gone.

It's hard, but keep going, eat little and often to keep going, drink plenty of water. Keep yourself busy sorting out your new life. Be prepared for OW to appear. Look after yourself.