My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

I know exactly how you're feeling and I'm in the same place - every day is a struggle I don't know how people do this

OP I've beeen in your shoes, it's easy to blame yourself when you don't have the answers but the truth is your not blame. My story was this my ex who I had DS with left me when he was only 13months old I cared for him after he had suffered ill health and once he got back on his feet he threw me away. Apparently it was all my fault and he just couldn't do it anymore - this is important because by putting the blame back on you it alleviate their guilt for cheating.

We broke up at the end of July by the middle of August he was back with his ex before me they have been writing on each other's wall prior to making it official. It was clear to see he had been cheating on me behind my back. He denied it of course and I tricked him by saying my friend had seen him with a blonde. She later dumped him for someone else. Sadly in the meantime his priority was booze drugs and going out not DS. He was massively abusive to me made out that it was all my fault and I was keeping DS away from him. He didn't even pay maintenance. I should have seen the signs before he was EA but I was young and embrassed to admit the truth. I too lost some much weight I went down to 7stone.

I have met dh who is a completely different person and funny enough ex bucked his ideas up when my dh came on the scene in regards to DS and they have a relationship now after contact centres then over nights.

Ex seems to have amnesia about the whole incident and thinks he's been the wronged party. I wonder deep down if he knows what a shit he's been but people like don't responsibility for their actions.

It's bloody hard people will tell you it gets better and TBH you don't think it ever will be you know what in time strangely it does it's a slow process but you will get there. Keep your cards close to your chest and feel free to pm for a chat

So waiting for her to appear then. Maybe once she's out in the open (if she exists) then reality may set in for him. X

I now feel my husband was emotionally abusive to me. Sometimes, his contempt of me was enough to call it that but he'd only have to look at me a certain way and I'd feel like shit. He must be very insecure in himself to have treated me so badly. I kept us afloat for the last 18 months by working extra because his money was disappearing.
But he wasn't always like that. He honestly used to make me feel like I was his world. But after our second daughter was born, it was like he just changed. It's very hard to accept.
I'm 36 with 2 young kids. I worry that I'll be alone for life now whilst he will get to swan off in his new corporate world and live the high life.

It does get easier but you will have ups & downs along the way.

I asked my stbxh to leave after a long period of EA, like yours he had changed and behaved really badly to me, which I believed was his way to leave the marriage.He had left his first wife (not for me I hasten to add) so I think he didn't want the guilt second time around.

My ex changed when he took on a new job which seemed to inflate his ego and perhaps there is an OW although no sign on anyone else since he left in Oct.

I was baffled as everything in our life was going so well, no struggles so it feels as if he had to introduce conflict.My solicitor says she sees it often, especially with men who appear to suddenly be unhappy and the wife is blamed.I think my ex has low emotional intelligence, he doesn't know how to deal with issues such as getting older so it's easier to look outside of yourself rather than take responsibility.It really is him, rather than you!

Being left is like a bereavement but you also have the rejection and bewilderment to deal with.
I doubt you will get answers and this is what I spent a long time trying to figure. As sad as it is, getting the legal process started is healing as you are rebuilding your life.I can just glimpse my new life and know it won't be too bad, in fact I can make it good.

Each day try to do something positive for yourself, even a short walk in winter sunshine.

My frIends husband left 5 years ago for OW and he's back to where he started..relationship issues but he is now poorer and sees less of his children.The happy people in life know relationships need investment, compromise, compassion and kindness...those who believe there is shortcut don't get the long term happiness they seek.

OP, you've had some excellent advice.
I split with my husband of twenty years 6 years ago. I never got closure. When the split was raw and fresh, I was like you are now. I desperately wanted answers, but ex stonewalled. I realised over time to accept it. And that, whilst being hard is essential for your mental wellbeing.

You need to stop thinking about him, you need to let the past go. You seem scared of stopping loving him, this though is crucial for you to be able to move on.?

My ex denied an OW until he was blue in the face. My solicitor told me they usually crawl out of the woodwork after about 4 months, and sure enough crawl out of the woodwork she did. I obsessed over her, which was a complete waste of time, it changed nothing.

Accepting that he's gone is hard, but try to live one day at a time, surround yourself with family and friends and focus on your lovely kids and the future. Baby steps.

My ex is unhappy, all these years later. Once or twice he's tried to talk to me. Too little, too late mate. That ship has sailed, there is nothing he can say now that I want to hear. That is how I know I have my closure. It came from within me, from forging ahead and building a new future for me and my kids.

Yeah my husband was promoted a year ago August. That's when I think he started really changing. 💔

Please reconsider the AD's again. They often need three weeks or so to kick in, and initially the side effects can be a bit unpleasant, but do disappear after a 3 or 4 weeks. Talk to your GP about trying a different brand maybe?
They will really help get you through this initial paralysing stage, and help you to be strong enough to move forward.
I really feel for you, (flowers)

Is it usual to feel spaced on AD's at first? X

I was on citalopram and felt Stacy for a few days, after that I felt "normal"

felt spacey, not Stacy! No idea who Stacey is, that would have just been weird

😂

I'm feeling low atm, just out with my friend and I want to break down. Just can't see a way forward at all. I'm going to get AD's tomorrow. Just want this all to end :'(

Keep posting heartbroken. It's really helped me talking on here. Lots of love to you. I felt like crap this morning. So I went and got a shower, did my hair and make up and strutted round Tesco! Made me feel better putting that effort into myself. X

How old are your kids? I have a 4 year old and a 20 month old and I dno how to even be strong for them. How can these men do this to us? Each day is just so long - their dad only gets in touch about the kids - nothing else and it's killing me. Like literally dying inside I need to have a good cry.

My girls are 7 & 3. And husband is the same as yours. He's not asked how I am at all since he left. We have had 2 chats in the early weeks and he seemed very hurt. But I know think it was guilt that brought on his tears. Initially he was cold as ice towards me. And while he seems more thawed now, he's still unrecognisable to me. It's like he's gone completely. But there too. X

Mine still uses his house key to our home too which rattles me! But I won't ask for it for some reason! X

The difference with me is I have no solid proof that he's had an affair. Or was or is. Just my suspicions. However he knows that if I get that proof, he'd never ever have a chance of coming back. So I think mine is keeping his options open for now until he decides what he wants.

I'm 2.5 years from where you are. 2 young girls, I thought he was my soulmate but felt him detach and then he sat me down and said he didn't love me anymore. I was beyond devastated.
There was an OW that appeared but the relationship finished once I found out. He later told me he had 'treated' himself to an affair once he had decided to leave me.
I waited 18 months for him to change his mind/experience karma/come to his senses but he never did. Never wavered for a moment. He must have been SO desperate to leave but I hadn't guessed.
Please don't waste any more time thinking about him. Every post of yours talks about HIM like he is the messiah, he isn't he is a man that has treated you coldly and you need to start planning your life without him.

How long did it take you Planet to realise? To get out of the fog? And feel really able to push on with life? X

Five years ago, I couldn't eat or sleep or function, yet had to carry on for 3yo DC. He blamed me for everything so I tried to make it all better, to become the perfect person. He told me I'd lost my sense of humour.

At the time DC was coughing til sick every night, we were all ill, my aunt died of cancer. I was exhausted yet everything was my fault.

I look back now and see a weak man who couldn't support his wife when she needed it. He made it all about him.

But because of the shock and trauma I didn't think I could live without him. Wonderful people on here supported me, made it clear there was OW (I couldn't see it as she was friends wife). But I grieved for such a long time, he took away so much from my life at that time.

Now though, I'm happy, I'm successful, I'm debt free. I don't have to worry about him and his moods and working all hours.

And most of all I'm not with a man who would rather email OW than play with his DC.

I'm not with a man who refuses to see DC more than 8 hours a month.

I'm not with a man who thinks it's acceptable to scream abuse down the phone.

You will see all the faults in time, it just takes time to realise it all and to get over your loss.

Ref the key, ask him not use it and ring the bell.It maybe his house but it's your home now so you deserve to know who will come in.
I assume you don't have a key to his place?

You may not get evidence of OW, he's away from you so lots of time to have her part of his life.The coldness is a clue however so I think you have to assume OW and act on that basis.That is what is helping me, I imagined how foolish I would feel giving him headspace when all along he had deceived me.

An old saying "men leave when they have someone to go to, women leave when they have no where to go"

It is heart breaking as you lose trust in yourself.I never ever considered my stbxh would be aggressive towards me, I would have put money on it.Yet this is what I have lived.
Somehow you have to try to accept you can't change it what is happening.You are on a different path now which wasn't your plan but it could be a better path.He may have done you a massive favour.Try some positive mantras and gratitudesee.It helps to focus on the good in life.

Also think of all the lovely family time he is missing, he will eventually miss you but he doesn't deserve you.

He's been gone nearly 11 weeks. I doubt he'll miss me now.

But i do know he wasn't the man I loved in the last 18 months we were together for whatever the reason. I have to start emotionally healing. I've been able to manage my money better without him here, I have breathing space, my girls seem to respect me more too.

So at least for now, I am better off and I know it. And the sooner I stop loving him the better. At the moment, I just hope it's space he needs but after how he's treated me I know I should feel different. It's a horrible cycle to be in. X

Believe me - they don't distance them selves unless they've had an emotional affair or physical affair. Everything is just a blur isn't it. I had been with my DH since I was 15 - I'm now 25. So everyone tells me I'm young and I will get my life back - I had a deep conversation with my sister last night (she's 21) and she was with her first love for just over a year. It ended and it took her 2 years to get over it. I couldn't imagine 2 years of this - it's probably going to take me longer. I'm not going to lie, I too keep hoping my X with see sense and come bk but I don't know if they can fall in love again.

I too try to be the perfect woman but nothing is ever good enough - I've been on dates from tinder but it's just not the same - I just keep thinking "I wish it was him sitting oposit me"