My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

All the classic signs are there in afraid. And reflecting the blame onto you is the standard way to make them feel 'justified' in leaving. The sad thing is that I think they and up believing their own lies. it's called 'cognitive dissonance' - where they detach from their own behaviour because it's too uncomfortable to own. It's v v hard to see - when my ex left for OW leaving me and two young kids it seemed so clear to me what was happening and i thought for a long time that I would eventually get through to him and he would see it for what it was but he never did. I am still sad that I am bringing up the kids alone and that they won't have family memories but he has lost so much and none of it is my (or your ) fault.be kind to yourself - get as much real help as you can and do not try and win him round. The temptation will be strong but don't. Detach, be cool and distant and speak to a solicitor. Good luck x

OP I am you three years ago. To this day exh still claims there was nobody else but other people have confirmed there was. You ex is a narcissist - he is making you take the blame for his failings. Don't beg, don't engage with him - give him his space and get on with your life.
I am now in a good place. He is a man I no longer recognise. He has grown a trendy beard, has leggy, young girlfriends and drinks loads. He moans he is broke and unhappy. I used to dream about him coming back and sweeping me in his arms. Now I look at him and wonder if he was always so weak ... I no longer listen.
What I realised was that I was good enough until he wanted more out of life .... being a 46 year old father with a mortgage, married to a woman who worked hard and also cared for the kids and elderly parents - he wasn't feeling as if I had him on a pedestal enough.
Think carefully about what you want. Go for what you want

He went through your phone looking for an excuse to leave.

The missing money
The rough sex
Being distant

^^ signs that something else was going on. Most likely another woman, or it could be an addiction like gambling or drugs, in addition to his porn addiction.

He's checked out of the marriage.

Have him take the kids away on his time or if he's seeing them in your house, leave him with them and go out to stay with family for the duration.

He needs to see what divorce looks like. It's not a couple of hours here and there with the children. He needs to have a suitable place for them to stay overnight in due course as well.

He doesn't want to look like the bad guy, so he will keep any other woman under wraps for a while.

He's having the kids at his mums place. He says he doesn't want them to see him at his new flat. Amazing how he can side step out of the life we've built together and yet I have to carry on with it. It's gonna be a very hard road. X

Op what a dreadful situation.
I went through exactly this years ago.
It tore me apart but I am now fine

And it is bloody ridiculous to claim there is ALWAYS another woman. Of course there isn't always.

It's like he's had a personality transplant honestly. I don't know him at all anymore. He was my best friend. And now that man has gone. X

You poor thing.

I don't have any advice, only support.

How are his family with you bones? I'm indexing if there's an ally there who may help you get some kind of closure.

He wasn't your best friends. Friends don't treat each other like that - have you got someone with you whilst the kids are with him?

I've been staying with family whilst he's got the kids. Trying to reconnect with friends. His family whom I've always been quite close to have closed me off somewhat but are being pleasant with me. I don't trust them to be honest. X

His family will always be on his side and believe his side of the story.

His mum and sister have been in contact but in the beginning were very reluctant to tell me anything. His dad hasn't been in touch at all. That's odd because he always said he loved me like a daughter. But he's husbands drinking buddy really and was his best man at our wedding. So whether he knows something I don't I'm not sure. X

To be honest even if you had proof there was an OW (sounds like it), you would be unlikely to get closure. He'd just say he was forced into getting an OW because you were so awful, she was much nicer and he fell in love, he could do nothing about it, etc. etc. etc. I had proof of my OW but still wanted more - I wanted him to admit he'd been a shit to me and show a bit of remorse. Never happened. He's still convinced he was the poor victim. But after almost 3 years I do have closure. I am happy I'm not with him any more. I am enjoying my life more without him.

Blood is often thicker than water when it comes to family so don't stress over that. Take it one day at a time and over time you will feel better.

It's a shame our husbands don't think of that when they think of leaving their kids. 😩

Could there be an OW living in the flat with him? Is that why he doesn't want the DC's to go there?

My thoughts exactly. Time will tell me I suppose. I'm just going to try to heal myself now and hopefully one day he'll tell me he made a mistake - and I can laugh. X

You know what, I've always looked after myself too. I don't think I had a bad figure (I'm skin and bones now), I always wore make up and generally tried to stay attractive. The complete rejection is hard. My confidence has took a complete shattering. I feel old, ugly, not good enough. X

Please don't think that...it really has nothing to do with that. Look at Hollywood - A list movie stars get cheated on. It's not to do with how you looked or acted or anything else and (and this is a bit thing for me) even if there were genuine issues he should have brought them to you to discuss and work on - it shouldn't get to be one person's unilateral decision to decide a marriage is beyond help and as far as 'closure ' goes that was something I struggled with a lot...if only he'd said how he felt. As a pp said..you will get further down the line and just think about it less and not care

He never bought me gifts for the last 18 months of our relationship anyway and was very distant. So I really can't understand why it's taking me so long to accept it. But I'm losing respect for him as time passes now. He's not really spoken to the kids about it and has left that to me. He's weak obviously x

Pretty much guaranteed to be an OW! Mine did the same after 28 years together with two DDs and we'd been together since 17/18 too. He left to shag a 25 year old! He lied for 4 1/2 months before they came out and said they were a couple and had 'just' got together! Get a SHL and get angry, also get counselling it will help you cope. The worst bit is the cowardly lying and blaming you for th split (mine did that too) he's absolutely no loss but I was in bits before the counselling!

This stinks of OH.

Doesn't want the dc at his flat = OW living there.

He really hasn't got the balls has he?

Look after number one now, and get your ducks in a row.

Everything you posted I thought OW..

However. This is early days for you..Focus on you and your children. Try and take care of your self. EAT.... Even if you don't fnacy anything. It gives you energy to deal with what you need to..

Get yourself to a solicitor and protect yourself. Don't take yourself off the join account until you have spoken to one. Get any information you can. Ni no for him for CMS if he starts refusing to pay.

He gets no say in what you do from now on..Although this is not a good time for you to make big decisions either.

Are you on half term next week or the week after? Can you plan to do something with the kids..Distraction with children is great.

Yeah it's half term next week so I have plans. He's dropped the kids off tonight and his what's app was pinging away whilst he was here. I still have a reluctance to believe what I actually think about another woman but I have to settle on what I keep coming back to. And hope that karma gets him one day. X

How can they disconnect from us so suddenly. Want no contact, out of their life like poof! And we're left reeling through weeks and months of shock and sadness? I don't know the man I chose to spend my life with anymore. I don't know what he's doing, what he's thinking, if he has his flat yet or if he's unhappy or happy. X

I totally understand how you feel Bones, it completely floors you. Take each day at a time, it does get easier xxx