My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Mine wrote emails to his OW rewriting every aspect of our relationship, from meeting to marrying and having kids and so on. In the new story I played a leading role as Cruella De Ville. Classic.

www.chumplady.com/ is worth a browse if you need any more convincing that they follow a script.

I'm going to have a read on that website now! I have no hobbies or interests whatsoever - my life revolved around keeping him and kids happy. Don't know where to start now.

I'm having real trouble sleeping at night. I feel like my brain goes into overdrive. I'm thinking of starting some herbal sleeping tablets. With having the kids I don't want anything too heavy.

The thing I've found striking this week (week 11), is the silence of my husband. He was there & now he's not. It's like I've lost my right arm and my sense of self almost. It's a very strange feeling to know that you can't just reach out to the person you always reached to before. Which makes it harder because while I thought he was there for me, he was thinking of how good life would be without me.

Bad day today. X

Bones, the lack of sleep will also be lowering your mood.

Your H will have disconnected so that he doesn't have to deal with any feelings of guilt.If you are out of sight he doesn't have to face the reality of the pain he has inflicted.You won't be able to work out what is going on in his mind, I spent hours trying to make sense but it's just a fruitless activity.
Focus on yourself and something positive you can do today.

I read a "Which" style report from a German magazine that tested herbal sleeping tablets and it said that valerian in high doses was the only herbal ones with any actual effect. You have to take them a few weeks before they have any effect.

In the meantime, if you know you have to get to sleep because of something going on the next day you might consider getting some antihistamine-type sleeping pills.

I've just got some Nytol from the pharmacist. They are antihistamine based by the looks of things.

I'm feeling stronger every day now. And I mean feeling like I'm leaping forward. I'm better with my money, my kids respect me more & im so much more relaxed without him here. Might be my St Johns Wort kicking in but hey, it's a positive step!

My guilt is leaving me. I'm making more effort with my appearance now and I'm planning on keeping this weight off by going the gym in school hours.

I'm starting to realise his constructive exit from the marriage. He chose to leave. His choice. He emotionally detached from me for whatever reason and I deserved more respect and honesty. His actions after leaving also show cowardliness. He won't have the kids at his new place. So he'll always be with his mummy when he sees my girls.

He hasn't had the balls to answer any of our kids questions in the 11 weeks he's been gone and has even told them he might come home! Erm..,

He's been completely transformed into another person from who I knew and loved.

You're doing amazing I'm jealous. I'm at rock bottom tonight I even called simaritons. I just can't seem to cope / live this life thinking he wants someone else it makes me sick to my stomach. He knows how weak I am I hate my life so much

You know what heartbroken, I think I've just realised that it was him that couldn't cope with being a good husband and father. He thinks he can have a better life away from us? Then so be it. He's the one who walked. We can't change things but we can make sure our kids are ok.

I'm seeing loads of positives this week. Although my youngest has a bug today so I've had to ring one of the school mums to help my eldest get to school. But people are there for you. X

Yeah me too. We're the strong ones. X

However I still have a massive sense of being alone in the world. Nobody to share the kids with or my home and life.

I'm in a similar situation. I kissed him goodbye in the morning, he said he would get wine for dinner and when I got home from work there was a letter to say he'd packed things and left me for the OW who he had fallen in love with.

That was 4 weeks ago. I had the estate agent up a week later. He is living 60 miles away having relocated at work, he's left me to sort out all of this myself and we have a joint mortgage though he is still paying his share. I hate him. The signs were there I just didn't see them until a week before he left.
There is a book and website which has a forum called 'Runaway Husbands' it did help me. You are not alone. Sending hugs

How long were you with him? Any kids? What signs do you mean?

Lots of love to you my life

What the hell is up with these men though?? He made me feel like the most amazing woman once. And now I feel like the ugliest. How they can walk away and leave you with so much shite is beyond me

I so know how you all feel.
It is such a horrible thing to happen to you.
I understand all your feelings, unless you have walked in our shoes it is so difficult to comprehend.
Bones17, mine made me feel like an amazing woman, then last year up and left myself and our three teenage children after 20 plus years.
Things weren't great I admit, life was boring , but to up an leave for OW was and is heartbreaking.
The lies,deceit and the way they treat you once they leave is devestation.
Mylifeincolour, we had to sell the house, he never lifted a finger to help,
I hate him so much for what he has done.
It does get better ladies, the pain isn't as raw as last year, I would recommend counselling and AD from dr if needed.
It is a rollercoaster of emotions and sometimes the pain and feelings of worthlessness are overwhelming but keep going.
You have your lovely children and know you would never walk away from your DC.
Always here for you
Sending you big hugs and 🌺🌺🌺xx

Yeah he was my life partner, best friend, the one person I always felt knew me completely and would support me. Things weren't great for us either from August but nothing I thought we wouldn't get through.
It's shocking how they change. And the complete feeling of being suddenly alone is awful. X

Yes, you need to remember that they checked out of reality not you. My DC knows that I'm the one who's there for her, who provides for her, who supports her in everything, not him.

but for me it is the lack of family life with him that still gets me down. It hurts me that my DC hurts. I don't miss him now but DC does.

Bones17 The signs were that he kept missing the train home and having to get the later one, on messenger until late when I was off to bed, and then when I looked at FB it was staring me in the face, this woman had 'liked' everything! Except photos of us.

For Christmas he gave me a t-shirt 'best girlfriend in the universe' binned that, lol. He was talking to neighbours about future plans at New Year. We had decorated and spent a lot of money putting down new flooring in Oct. which is when I think it got more intimate with OW. Yes you ask yourself where did it go wrong exactly?

User, as you say you need to walk in the shoes of someone who has gone thru this to understand. It's good to know it gets better.

I'm lucky in that I no children by him, I have a son by a previous marriage who is 18 and a true gem :-)

But I tell myself if it wasn't her it would be someone else. I actually gave him a 2nd chance. Recently I found out more about him from a previous partner. It seems he lied a lot about his past relationship history. I just tell myself I deserve better and good luck to her. I also think he has narcissistic traits.

Good to hear from others in or been in the same situation

It's heartbreaking isn't it? I never thought my husband would turn into the person he became after our second daughter was born. But now I recognise a massive weakness in him that I tried to cover for a long time. He was emotionally abusive to me and the children witnessed his behaviour. They even started to disrespect me also.
Like I've said, I'm still waiting for evidence of an OW. And because I've been completely shut out, I think I'll now be the last to know. I just wish I didn't love him. But I certainly don't respect him. X

narcissist is a word that often crops up, as they love themselves more than they love others.

mylifeincolour XH had 2 people on FB marked as "best friends" , me and his best mates wife..... that was after he gave her a couple of lifts. Suddenly she was his best friend, he talked about her incessantly, started hiding his phone, this all happened at the end of a month. At the start of the month he was giving me a beautiful necklace to "show me how much he loved me" !!

It happens so suddenly and I went from being the much loved wife, to suddenly being somebody who he had not loved for ages according to him.

A chance incident threw him and OW together, she made him feel like a god, and that was it, head turned and husband gone, just like that!

It totally and utterly devastated and broke me at the time due to the suddenness of it all. I truly thought I would die without him as he was my soulmate, my true love, I loved him so much and thought we were meant to be together forever, we had so much to look forward to with DC growing up and it was all snatched away from me and DC.

But yes, it DOES get better, it really really does. I tell the story with no feelings now, no emotion, no tears. It is part of my history.

I've just looked at Chumplady.com
Great read

Hi again, I posted earlier, I am going to change to a new name, unsure how to do it though 🙄
I so resonate with you ladies, I haven't really posted a lot on here and really wish I had when it happened to me last year when my husband left last year.
Bones and heartbreak, it's so early days for you.
Bones, if there is an OW , they will deny ,deny and deny again and again.
Mine did even when I had definitive proof.
Deceitful lying cowards.
Maybe you may need to do some of your own fishing around to find the proof if you think there is an OW.
Once I knew for sure, yes it set me back and sent me backwards, but I knew the truth, no more slimy lies and filed for divorce.
It's just over a year now and it is still hard , 20 plus years is hard to just forget about.
I think it it is my dreams, hopes and our shared history that is what I miss most and maybe not him.
I feel devestated for my children as he didn't make time for them at first ,
I couldn't believe he would ever do that to them, but once the new woman starts to pull the strings etc and it all lovey Dovey they just leave it all behind.
I hope you get some answers soon about his reasons for leaving, as it allows you to start focussing on yours and DC life and future and focus on your recovery instead of why why.
You still will have the rollercoaster of emotions but you can start on the road to focusing on you
Lots of love xx

Thank you. He's text today to alter our mutual financial agreements. He wants to sign a waiver to any equity now so he doesn't have to help with the mortgage (fine by me) but at first he wouldn't do that. He's such a different man to the one I love so I have to accept that he's just gone.
I'm gonna have to sort a legal separation at least I think. It's like dealing with a death this.
And I'm certain there must be another woman because this isn't him at all. But I've no way of finding out.

Bones, I've read but yet to post. I think you come across as amazing. Keep posting, keeping this thread going. There are some wonderful people on mn with great advice. Let me tell you, as a 49 year old me to a 36(?) year old you, that you have YEARS AHEAD OF YOU to live a great life and, if you want to, meet someone else in time. You have had a great shock, so you won't probably be thinking about the long term. But there is a life after. Get legals going, it is very cathartic, if you haven't already. Go on dates with 10 different men if you want to. Whatever it is, this is the time to put yourself first, (obvs taking your children into account). Find out who you are. I firstly had to find that relationship with myself, as I am who I will be living with for the rest of my life, however long my relationships are with others.
When you feel up to it, try as many different hobbies and activities as possible. I found out things about myself I didn't even know! You will also meet new friends. It takes time to put down new roots.