My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Could you not suggest a conversation with him along those lines? Not because you want him just so you can understand. Not blaming just chatting? If he's crying then it's obviously affecting him too. Depression is a terrible thing I confess I don't understand it sometimes myself but it was also what was wrong with the husband of the other lady I mentioned. Why not say to your husband you understand he doesn't want his old life but you'd appreciate some closure so you can move on? Maybe he just thinks it's going to end with you upset that's why he's not talking. That's what mine said. He hated seeing me upset so avoided talking to me. He said he dreaded my texts as I was upset and needy. So I stopped and tried to move on.
Have you read any of the Leslie cane articles? I used to lay awake all night reading mumsnet to keep me company someone mentioned her. It helped me a bit.

I took his key off him kaitlin as soon as i found out about ow!! i think hes now having problems with her actually as ive just checked his phone records ( still in my name ) and hes ringing her again and again every night but only for 2 or 3 secs at a time so must be going to answerphone haha this makes me smile to think he's acting so bloody desperate quite sad really I wonr be happy until he has the heartache ive had 😊

Mine is texting me non stop tonight. I'm meeting him for a meal tomorrow. See what he's got to say.
And glitter I feel like I've read absolutely everything on the internet over the last 5 months! Haha.

Good Luck Bones. I hope the meeting goes well. I'm sure you've read enough to know (and not because you want him back) just for your own benefit and peace of mind go looking your best, let him do the talking, try to get some answers. Let him see what he's left and that if he's not going to treat you well someone else will. Because that's true if you want it to be I'm sure you know that.
Us ladies are always stronger than we think we are I'm sure other mumsnet ladies will tell you that too. Go and even if you have to fake it try to be calm and in control.
I should add though mine still wasn't very chatty at our meetings just said he didn't know why he did what he did just knew he couldn't go on the way we were. It was his actions and the way he wanted to put effort into changing things that helped. I really hope it's not to bad for you get some closure at least. X

Good-oh Bev - then if he doesn't have a key that makes it simpler - you just don't let him in. Do pick-up and drop-off at the door, don't engage with his pathetic life advice, just "Hi DS come in - usual time then XD ickhead" Close door. Unless he's going to shout at you through the letterbox, he just has to suck it up and go away.

He shouldn't be feeling so much at home that he just strolls in like it's his mates house (as you said) doling out advice on what you should and shouldn't do. Your home is your private space and you don't want him festering it up - and you can tell him I said so.

How is everyone doing im having a better day today so hope things are on the way up for me 😁

Bev you sound so positive! Go you! Glad you're feeling strong!

My H came round on Friday. We spent some time together. Got a pizza, watched tv and had a really nice night! Stuff happened and I really thought he was opening up a bit. He looked sooo comfortable. Then, out of the blue at 1am, he said he felt weird staying over. So I told him to go get his stuff and to go. Also asked him to just leave me alone in future. Just felt really used again.

So, back to me. I'm not gonna be so accessible to him anymore. I can't figure him out at all or understand what his game is. Are people really that cruel?

Im so sorry Bones unfortunately these men are cruel they see things in black and white and we look at things totally different I went to watch my son play football today thankfully she wasnt there I dont think things are rosey in the garden at the moment haha 😁 but I just looked at my H and thought what the hell am I doing even being bothered by this man, hes not the man i married!! Its the embarrassment of what he has and is doing more than anything, but i know I am the better person. But you know what Bones im pleased you had that time with your H and you now know NOT to be taken back in by him, im sorry sweety i realy am but hes not going to change! You need to be strong and stick to the advice you gave me its you and the children you need to look after let him have his midlife crisis but dont let him drag you down with him xxx

Yeah I know Bev. To be honest I was quite glad he went. It didn't feel right anyway. X

Sorry Bones, that is cruel, he seems to want to pick you up and drop you whenever it suits him.
I don't think you can guess what is going through his mind, he's not being honest and that is all you need to know.

Yeah I'm done now. Completely. My inner fight is over. I can feel my heart letting go anyway. I've got loads of plans for festivals and trips. And I'm also looking forward to possibly meeting someone who will treat me right.

Bones, he's absolutely playing you like a fiddle. Honestly, wake up! Depressed? My ass, feeling guilty about having 2 women on the go? Probably slightly. WHY are you availing yourself to him? Giving him the chance to shit in you again and again? It's time to get tough! Block him, delete him, heal YOURSELF, what is all this pizza and cuddling shit? Seriously, he has not had you st any time hold him accountable for the horrible way he's treating / treated you. You just keep hanging on for more.

I've realised that now lucky I promise. Suppose I always have secretly given him the benefit of the doubt.
Honestly no more. I can see what he's doing now.

I've been there bones. Just wanted to say I let me DH back time and time again for "cuddles & sex" for him to fuck off back to his mums after and I felt horrendous as I hoped it would change his mind. He went back to his mums and text OW. They're all the same xxxx

Just wanted to let you know you're not the only one who has allowed things like this to happen

It's just so horrid. It's cruel. No more. After Friday I'm done. X

Bones, I do feel for you. At least now you have some closure. And it's all the better because it's you deciding to close that door. Your closure. Better than him deciding it for you x

I've been sucked right back in over the last month after previously doing so well and being so strong. Don't know how he managed it. He knows exactly what to do and say to do it. But what's really hard is why. Why would you treat someone you've at least previously cared so much for in this manner. It's just manipulation & cruelty. Playing and using my emotions and getting what he wants. It's crazy to me how he's changed so much.

Can I ask why he was staying? I can understand it was weird for you both but I thought the meeting was to chat and get some closure?

No I think in my heart I thought he was going to tell me all and beg for forgiveness. Didn't happen. He just wanted sex obviously. 😩

I'd noticed that OW had disappeared off his Instagram and I think I had hoped that the romance was over. It still might be over and that's why he's been sniffing here but he's still not talking about her tonne and doesn't feel I'm owed any explanations obviously. I've been an enabler to what he's doing and it has to stop. The last month since he's been claiming depression I've allowed myself to get sucked right back in. I hope his romance is over but I also have to be unavailable now because it's doing me no good at all.

I agree the romance such as it was is probably over. She was probably just looking for a bit of a flirtation and when he left you it all got real for her so stopped it.
It's very cruel if he's just after sex with you. I hoped he really missed you and was going to want to work at putting things right.
Sex should be totally not on the table if making amends was his aim.
You sound a brilliant lady and I'm sure you realise you are much stronger than you were.
Sadly I'm the same I tend to try to believe the good in everyone but it's not always helpful to my own sanity x

Yeah I always believe that people are good on the inside and that mistakes can be mistakes.
Anyway, carrying on life for me now. Moving on. Next time he tries it on, he's gonna be disappointed

I wish you well. We are here if you need to vent.
I do wonder sometimes what my life would be like had I carried on a different path. This last year has been quite possibly the worst ever. To long to go into here and I wouldn't want to, but due to an unwanted move three counties north last year (not my idea) some days I doubt my life choices.

Hi Bones, how you getting on?