My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Hi all, Im so sorry to hear all this, but I've jumped on to tell you my situation be be because you seem to have such good advice..., two weeks ago my H walked out on me, leaving 2 boys 9 6, saying he isn't happy and needs time to think...cue yesterday, txt me saying he's gonna give it another go with the mother of 1st child (10) who only came bk into his life at Xmas because of me...he's been seeing her since February and living with since the night he walked out......yesterday he changed his fb photo to him and her, and says he's happier than he ever had been.....I'm broken....can't sleep can't eat, I've blocked them on fb, bout what do I do now, I feel I made this happen with being so pleased for his relationship with oldest son you go ahead I treated him like one of my own.......xx

Oh yuk...fuck buddies. Please have some self respect and don't go down that route

This is why I feel he's having a MLC. He's irrational, reckless & his actions sometimes border on unbelievable. It's very hard to navigate this from my point of view.
I feel like I know nothing about him at the moment. Like he's a different man. He's either very cruel or this MLC has took him completely off the rails.
How can he honestly expect me to continue having sex with him? Does he not understand exactly what he's done to me? Does he even care?
If he was offering to take me out for a drink or a meal I'd maybe feel differently but when he's hinting for sex he's telling me he misses me and he's thinking of me and stuff. It's so very confusing.

Sorry RogueAngel, sounds awful. Hope you can stay strong. Bones you have to hold back and calm down. You're putting yourself through such agony. He's been unfaithful. I'm sure of it. He's making you do the 'pick me' dance (google it). You're worth more than this.
Give it time. If he can win you back over weeks and months then maybe he's for real.

Bones, as a lurker rooting for you and someone that recognised your other thread, please don't put yourself through this again.

You know how bad it feels to go back there.

Don't allow this twatwad anymore hold over you.

You're right Hold. I didn't feel very good in the days after (yes ok, I may have slept with him once), and to be honest, he may be just saying what I wanted to hear. But I'm not going there again. I'm worth so much better than him in his current state of mind. X

I'd like to add, I'd never recommend sleeping with a separated H. In the days after, I felt awful and hurt all over again. He's told me EXACTLY what he needed to to get what he wanted. I see that now. I went on a complete downer.
However, in my case, once the realisation hit, it helped me see what he'd done and what he was. I'd been taken advantage of again. So I actually felt stronger in the end for it. But I can see how it was a really bad idea.

Reading through this thread, I can see a pattern emerging here. On 17/4 you posted that you had a lightbulb moment that he was an abusive twat. I really felt he had sensed you moving on so now is planting seeds, hinting you might get back together etc etc, just so he can take control back again.

Please remain strong, and do NOT enter into a FWB Arrangement with him. He is not your friend, and it will not benefit you in any way. 💐

Bones, MLC doesn't mean he is not responsible for his actions, it's just the label attached to people, often men who decide they want to act selfishly.

I don't think it's really depression, he may feel low about the fallout of his decisions or because OW isn't interested but he's very aware of what he is doing.
For whatever reason he is choosing to keep you onside as the fallback girl.

I know it's painful, how can he really expect you to go from wife to FWB.Its an arrangement that would work for him, would you be one of many women?

There was a thread here a while ago from a woman who was sure her husband was depressed..months later she posted 're OW.
I am not minimising men's depression and it can be different from women's but I think he's relying on your kindness and compassion whilst he decides what he wants.I doubt he will go back to your marriage, he's tasted single life and I guess it's mostly suiting him.

So what if he does regret what he's done? Thinks he's made a massive mistake? And tells me so? Do I throw away 19 years? This is the first time ever he's ever done anything like this. I know he'd have a lot of work to do. But if he's willing to do it?

On the other hand, she'd always be there wouldn't she? Even if there's no 'friendship' anymore. Could i ever really forgive him?

Some days I'm glad I'm rid of him. I feel like I'm through the worst bit. I don't think of him all the time now. I'm enjoying my independence and I'm making plans. Trips and stuff. It's quite liberating.

But I do miss him. And I think I miss him. Not just being a couple. Even his sister told me today she still can't believe this has happened between us. She's shocked too.

Well I am devistated to say yesterday I hit rock bottom ite been 10 weeks now and in that 10 weeks he walked after sending me a text, the follwing week my daughter was doused in petrol and set on firw by her abusive boyfriend, the dame day my other daugher went inro labour 5 weeks early ( both fine though) and 3 weeks later i found out about ow who i had already accuses him of and told i was paranoid. I thwn fi d out hea had her sleeping in my sons bed at his mothers and the final straw Friday night out with OUR friends with that slut. Everything fot to much and i took an overdose sat morning 😭 luckely my sister came round and got me to the hospital and i soent all day on a drip sent hom early hrs of this morning. Im a bloody mess and so desperatly sad that it came to this, I cant even believe i went through with it knowing what effect it would have on my kids as my first husband killed himself. I now on top of all his shit feel like an absolute monster. I just dont know how to fix things im an absolute disgrace 😭😭😭😭😭

Oh Bev. What a shit time you're having. You're not a disgrace by any means! Sending you lots of love. Have you seen any professionals for help?

Spoke to shrink whilst in there, councelling starts Thursday and have to make appiintment to have my antidepresants changed. I just feel like such a shit mother my youngest is 14 and he doeant have a clue what happened and thw older girls think i took extra by mistake forgetting i had already taken. I just feel so bad its killing me 😔

Bev hang in there. It does get better. Time. Time & more time. I rang the samaritans loads when in crisis! You can do this lovely. We're all here for you. Xx

Hi All, This is so hard for all of us. I wonder if they think about consequences of their actions? In the time since my DH left, we have talked a lot and spent lots of time together, and yes I've still been sleeping with him. There is an OW but it's over and he says he regrets everything he did. I'm ashamed of myself to be so weak and often think I should tell him to F off but then when we're together the feelings are still there - you can't just switch them off! I believe he's stupid and selfish, but he has history of self destruction and I also worry about him. Everyone's situation, although similar in some ways is completely different. I've decided to go with my gut, not other people's opinions or what seems to be norm. I may look back and regret it, but I have to do what feels right. Love to you all x

So you've took him back cream? How long were you separated?

No, he's still living in a rented flat, I'm not ready for that, I still think we need to address the issues that caused this in the first place. He left in September. I'm not completely sure I want him back, but I do think after 20 years, it's worth seeing if we can work out the problems. I know most people would say I should do that first, before letting him spend weekends with us etc. But i do enjoy his company and it gives us time to talk.

Hey everyone, I'm wanting some advice please. I've had a bad weekend trying to move on from my partner leaving me and I think I may need CBT or counselling. Has anyone seen a therapist at the Blue Tree Clinic in London? My close friend went to see a therapist there at it really helped her, I'm just really apprehensive about admitting I need therapy? Love to hear your suggestions

I don't know anything about that clinic, but there is definitely nothing to be ashamed of going for therapy. It doesn't define you, it's just something that might help, or might not, but what have you got to lose? Go for it! Hope it helps you x

I wish you all the best cream. It's not an easy decision to make so spending time together and slowing right down might be the key. Xx

I'm gonna join a dating app I think. X

I joined one bones but then panicked as soon as i was asked on a date !! Make sure you are doing it for the right reasons and your ready as ive now wasted money i could have done with not wasting. The problem with woman is we dont get fixed by another man we think in our heads not in our pants unfortunatly for us 😔. Having said that if it makes you feel happy go for it, it did take my mind off things talking to people but definatly not ready for dating. Let me know how it goes though 😁 xxx

Same here, I just dont seem to find anyone else attractive at all and cant imagine being with anyone else, which tells me im not ready yet.

With me being 51 all my matches look like bloody old men I keep thinking do i look that old haha, just makes me feel worse!! And a lot never married or longest relaitionship 2yr just makes you wonder whats wrong with them. Im definatly not ready I just think i wanted to prove to him more than anything that im not worthless. I start my councelling today so hope it helps me going forward x