My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Yes I'm definitely divorcing him. That's a certainty. I don't know what the future holds. I don't even know if I love him anymore. I know I couldn't have him back at the moment at least. So yes I think it'd have to be a case of starting over.

But I've got to work on me for now. I'm still feeling very trodden, tired and ugly. I need to work on me.

Last night i spoke to H on the phone. Probably the first time in 5 months I've cried to him. Told him my feelings for him had changed.

Aw Bones, I bet that was hard. I think sometimes it's a shock for them that we move on and our feelings change. Think they expect us to just keep a holding pattern while they have their adventure and decide if they want to come back.

Bones, I know exactly what you mean. It would be impossible for your feelings not to change after all you have been through.
I do still love my boys father, but I couldn't imagine having him back, he's hurt us all too much and I can't risk that happening again. That said, I'm not 100% sure I wouldn't, which seems crazy, even to me!
He is still very affectionate with me and would like more but I keep the boundaries well and truly in place. He's supposed to be having a child with the OW for goodness sake!! (Apparently likely to arrive within the week 🙁)
I, like you, need to do some serious work on myself. Confidence, self esteem etc are the main things. I have no idea how though! I can't see any positive future (except the boys) I feel like I'm living in a fog which keeps getting thicker and thicker and all I'm doing is just living. I feel old and ugly and worthless (I'm not old, or ugly according to everyone else but I feel it...) I guess it's all about time.
So, more focus on us (which is hard when you have children to get through the mess they have left behind!) even just small things.

Hmm, apparently the child will be arriving today or tomorrow. How am I going to get through the next few days? This hurts like crazy. This wasn't supposed to happen.

SoMuch I feel exactly as you do regarding my self esteem and confidence. I feel old, ugly, unwanted and discarded. And I told him that last night. He got quite upset too as I was talking. I was upset on the phone to him. He still won't tell me anything of his 'friendship' with this woman but says he's confused. He's telling me she's still with her husband and they're trying for a baby. He's completely got my head so messed up.

Could all this be down to depression? He's even telling me to go meet someone! I'm resigned to a life with my girls to protect myself from going through this again.

Lots of hugs for you too over the next few days. I can't even imagine that torture. Xx

I don't understand the 'friendship' but he's adamant there's only been flirting and that's as far as it's gone.
He says he thinks he may have been depressed for years and not realised.
He's still even hinting that once he's sorted we may be able to reconcile.
But then he'll tell me to go meet someone & be happy.
He can't be telling me the whole story about this woman can he? I asked how she was able to talk to him at all hours on the phone with her husband home and my H said he didn't know. I just don't get it and probably still find the whole thing quite unbelievable and shocking.
I don't feel good enough for him anymore & im finding it hard to build myself back up. He gives me such mixed signals.
And I'm now confused about how I feel about H anyway.

Mid life crisis?

This is def a mid life crisis, getting off on the 'someone else is interested' card , probably bored and yes confused. I suspect he likes you a lot but feels it isn't enough in his confused state

I think he's been quite overwhelmed with family life too. I've stepped up to the plate and done almost everything for everyone for so very long. He seemed for a long time to appear to be just there for the ride.
I do feel this could be a mid life crisis. And I do believe him that he's not been intimate with this woman. I don't know why, but I believe him. I don't understand the relationship but I don't think it's gone as far as I first imagined.
Just gonna carry on and let life pan out. Hopefully he can get his meds into him and get his head straight.
When I read up on mid life crisis it all fits. But the damage he's caused is so so awful. It's truly been the worst experience of my entire life this.

Bones, you will never really know the extent of his relationship but it feels unlikely it was just talking.He chose to hide it from you so he knew it wasn't right.

His depression could be due to the fact she is moving on without him.He faces losing both of you.His confusion could be because he knows he has treated you badly and so the right thing is to let you go but fear of being alone makes him try to hang on to you.

I think you are doing the right thing..trying to move forwards without him.Should he shape up you can reconsider but for now he's not commited enough.You don't deserve to be his back up plan and nothing he's saying suggests he will be fully commited to you going forwards.

Whilst he was chasing this other woman he was switched off from your marriage, in his head he had to build reasons why you were not right for him.This allowed him to flirt with the OW.Now he can't switch his feelings back even if he wants to.

He has to recognise that he chose to flirt and disengage from his marriage..not some overwhelming force that he had no control over (or depression!)

People who stay married make conscious choices to protect their marriage..they avoid scenarios which are detrimental to the marriage.He made bad choices which is due to his personality not anything you dud.Unless he recognises it he's likely to do it again.

I've made another payment to my solicitor today so the divorce goes ahead.
Him saying to me that what happens in the future between us happens sends me confused again. It makes me think he at least thinks there's a chance but I'm just not sure. We all say that we never thought our H would do this. But I truly never thought this would be my H doing this. I suppose even now I'd rather put it down to some kind of depression or MLC than accept he's just shit on me from a great height.
I honestly don't think he ever intended to hurt me.

I need to focus again on myself. I used to be such a confident person. I considered myself quite attractive and clever. That's all gone at the moment so I have to get that back. X

I've a feeling I need to divorce him to protect me & the kids for the here & now situation. But our long term relationship I think may eventually be ok. Not any time soon. But I've just got a feeling. May be even a year from now who knows. I don't know why I feel that way. But I feel like hope and patience will get me through and we may be able to start over later down the line. If I'm living in a dream world then I'm no worse off than now. Gonna sort me out and carry on. I've proven I can go it alone and I'm happy(ish) with it just being me and the girls. I'll keep my renovating going and healing myself. I'll be ok.

Depression doesn't make you constantly text someone else. If you're depressed you can't be bothered contacting anyone and your self esteem is low so emotional affairs wouldn't really happen. Moving out of the marital home would be a major effort for a depressed person. It sounds like he had an affair with this woman and she's ended it.

I think your right 2rebecca as ive said in an earlier statement mine had depression for a week and was suddenly cured!!! I found out by ow husband she had been trying to get him to take her back that week!!! Hes now had her sleeping over at his mothers house in my SONS bed and this has devistated me its still only 10 weeks and i feel defeated!! so much so I nearly took my life which is why I now have to start getting my life back on track and try to get them out of my head. I feel like a disgrace of a mother for even thinking about ending things. I just dont know how to fix myself 😔

Bones I responded to your thread earlier on in your journey. I read your updates every now and again as everything mirrors my own experiences except I'm 6 weeks ahead-

I think we are all drawn to the thread because although we know we don't want to be with the person who has caused us such hurt, it's bloody hard to let go of the person we thought they were.

I have mentally made excuses for him such as ptsd, bi-polar, depression, addiction etc etc etc......

However the brutal truth is that if that person ever existed- he doesn't now and I don't like the person who has replaced him. And if I'm honest with myselfI don't think he can much like me either.

In theory I know this-just don't get why it won't sink in. I feel like I am almost developing obsessive compulsive disorder- obsessing about the past, realising the truth, hear his voice and start obsessing again. If only there were an off switch for feelings.

Bevjay- I have no words to make you feel better but wanted to send you my love x

Sending everyone a big hug. It feels like the despair is just never ending.

My ex seemed like a broken man earlier this week, was really emotional when I saw him, met up with one of my family members and told him he'd never say never about us getting back together.

Now he's being a nasty ar*ehole again. Even though I dont think i could take him back, I want him to want to come back and to realise the utter devastation he's caused.

I think I convinced myself he was on the verge of this, and now im hurting all over again and its my own fault

Sickofthis none of this is any of our fault I have beaten myself up about this over and over and I think what you are wanting is the same as we all do, these men to be hurting as much as we are. I honestly dont think I will be happy until mine has been dumped, I think i will then be able to move on happy knowing he has nothing, bitter i know but i dont care i want him to have nights living on pills to keep him going, hurting, not sleeping and worrying about what will happen in the future. I know hes out tonight with her for his Birthday and ive heard she is a headcase when drunk so hope something happens to let him see the bitch he is with!!!

Why do they hurt you further? My H is now hinting that we could be friends with benefits. Now of course this is very hard for me to fight because of how I feel about him. However, I do not want to put myself in this situation at all.

Why the hell, after all that he's done to me already, would he do this to me?

I feel really stupid because I know I should tell him to F the F right off. But... don't shout at me here.... I think that if he's wanting it here, then he mustn't be getting it elsewhere after all. However, he's not said he wants back into the relationship either. So does he just want to use me? If so, that's cruel because he knows how I feel.
If I say no, then I'm scared I'll push him away further but it's no less than he deserves right? He can't expect to have me for sex but not have the family life he built up with me? It makes no sense to me why he'd do this now. Especially after how cold and distant he was during those first 3 months post split.
He says he misses me in so many ways and thinking about me 'gets him going' but he's still confused and needs to sort his head out.
Meanwhile, the divorce is progressing! It's all turning out to be so crazy!

I want to let him know that he can't have his cake and eat it! I want him to know it's either a commitment or it isn't. But I don't want to piss him off either! I'm so confused all over again!

It's like he's turned into a teenager again!

Please don't have sex with him, if he fucks you off after it will make you feel like shit/ used. Tell him to do one or work at your marriage.... please no cake eating!

No I know I shouldn't and I won't. I just don't understand why he's doing this now. I do think he's gone completely mental! This is not the man I married! It's heartbreaking