My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

My H wants to see me Friday and I've no idea what to do. People are telling me not to see him. That he's just trying it on for sex. But my heart wants to think different. X

You need to do what you think is best for you because if im honest he sounds like he wants his cake and eating it nest of both worlds. Dont let him use you! Your the one thats being strong but ita easy for me to say because mine is still with his slag yet wanting to be best friends with me!! (arsehole) and i dont know what i would do if he wanted back, i keep telling myself i wouldnt have him back but deep down i think i stupidly would 😭

He told me he loved me at the weekend. X

Bones, look at his actions not his words.Do you feel loved by him?

You need to go with your gut bones but just remember mine did it once with the messages etc to another woman 4 yr ago and stayed because she didnt leave her husband, i allowed him my trust again and now hes got someone that has left her husband and he was off. You need to think whether you will be able to fully trust him because i can tell you from experience if he does it again it will hit you twice as hard. Im at the lowest ive been in my life and its 11 weeks today xxx

I've been following your story but feel impelled to comment for the first time, and I'm sorry but it'll be blunt. If you think my thoughts are wrong, you're better placed than I am to make that call but I fear you could be on the cusp of making a big mistake.

He loves himself more than he loves you. He wasn't capable of treating you in the way you should be for the entirety of this emotional affair, and since then too. How long has that been?

Unfortunately you sent that letter which gave the information he needed about what makes you tick and how best to manipulate you to get what he wants. Do you think he'd have worked all this out without that help?

At the end of the day, he's still doing what he's done since you split, which is to keep you dangling for his entertainment. Only difference is, he's gone from being insensitive in hinting for you to be a fuckbuddy, to actually using the right ammunition for the job because you helped him to understand you better.

You done that in the hope he'll have regrets and will miraculously become the man you deserve who understands you and uses that understanding to perhaps try again.

Instead he's taken that understanding and is using it for his own benefit, not yours.

I was just about to post what Joysmum said. This man is not the soulmate you once had, the husband you thought you knew. This is the same man who was cold and distant from August to January and left you thinking it was all your fault. If you agree to any sort of intimacy now, it will put you back weeks - even months.

I keep trying not to say what happened to me but it is relevant - at age 40 I agreed to give my Ex a second chance - I didn't want to really but he had depression, he was sorry, the OW had dumped him etc (sound familiar?) Eight years later he left anyway - when the kids were teenagers and HE felt it was time for HIM to go. I wasted eight years - please don't get sucked in again Bones.

I agree and you know what if mine came back it would be the same again just waiting for him to do it again. Hes never going to be happy and always looking for something else thinking the grass is greener. Then finding out its not and coming back!! fortunatly mine hasnt tried to come back and i know they will be struggling with relationship as both living with their parents aged 40 and 45 her with her 2 kids and that keeps me going at the moment so they dont even see that much of each other as my son is allowed nowhere near her and hes 14 now and he knows the score and said his dad only has to mention her name and that will be his finish. Bones please take note because if like you i had stuck it out 4 yr ago i may be happy now and thats what has brought me down more, knowing i allowed him to do it again xxx

I've read this with interest and probably differ in my experience than most but I thought I'd share. It may help. My husband walked out one day, put all his stuff in storage while I was at work called me home and said he wanted a new life. Just like that.
There's work stress involved which had a factor, we part owned a company other boss a nightmare long story short within a few days I'd lost my husband, job and put my house on the market.
No children, but all that week we were sorting out our lives H stayed on the couch and we went out in the evenings for food, took me out re learning to drive in the early hours to get my confidence back. Said he still loved me but wanted a different life.
He does suffer from OCD and depression which he's on medication for but this was different he was so emotionally detached. Whilst at the same time wanted to make sure I was ok.
I thought other women but for a couple of months he was homeless staying between our good friends and his sister. They all said he was quiet seemed lost and confused and all felt there was no one else just some sort of breakdown.
He encouraged me to go meet some else, some who I deserved and while I was letting him help me he alternately seemed to dislike me and be super caring. Even followed behind me 2 hours on my first motorway drive so I'd get my confidence back. I was confused. Then a friend who had been through similar told me to stop needing him try NC and this would help me move on. So I did. Managed the house viewings and gradually he called /text more asking if I needed anything, would I like to go out to lunch whilst viewing's were going on. I responded politely but not often and he in his words he slowly realised what he was losing. We met up I'd bought a new jacket something different to usual and he said he knew whatever else was wrong us being together was what mattered. Believe me I was a mess this totally devastated me so over the next few months we dated and gradually when I thought the time was right we started what has become our new lives.
I'm not saying this is the case for everyone at all but someone told me to read Leslie Cane articles about husbands that leave. It seems many do regret their actions. I'm sure though if he'd been living with another woman I may not have been so forgiving. If it's just a MLC that can be worked on then maybe it's worth trying.
Interestingly a few months later I met a lady I used to know from the gym and she said her husband did the same thing just left one day and went to live in a caravan in a field for a few months another MLC. They are back together and working on his depression together.
This in no way was easy I lost so much weight from not eating, and was an emotional wreck most of the time but I always felt there was hope we should be together.
I realise this isn't the norm but wanted to try to share a different side to things.

Thank you glitter I'm so glad things are working out for you now. Lovely to hear a positive spin on things.

I go every day feeling something different. Some days I feel he's worth waiting it out & others I don't. I've not felt able to completely shut him out and it's almost a subconscious reaction when he makes contact for me to reply. It's horrid. I know I should cut him off because EVERY SINGLE PERSON I talk to tells me exactly the same thing. That he's using me or he wants his own needs met even now. But a bit of my heart wants him to actually be different.

I'm doing good looking after myself though. I started running this week and I'm feeling more confident in myself. Got some events coming up to look forward to.

It's just this issue with H. He manages to keep me on a leash even though I know it's wrong.

I know I should cut him off. But it's so so hard. And to be fair, I had done. Which I think is why he's come sniffing round again.

It is hard, and you're right your first instinct is to reply as he's still your husband and it feels natural.
Somebody told me it's not what you say it's what you do.
Mine although being an emotional zombie on one hand on the other was still the kindest man I know.
Is there any sign that he's really remorseful? I guess that's when you know there may be hope.
I'm not saying it's easy I still feel like he's a flight risk in my mind, but the little things he does for me and the way he's been in the last 2 years since it happened I believe we are ok.

Glitter he cries every time he sees me. He's told me he loves me. Looks awful. But he just won't talk to me. I've told him I'll listen to whatever it is but he's not ready it seems. Neither of us seem to be able to let go just yet. But he's never asked to come home either. It's so strange. X

Aaaaaaaargh mine has just been to drop son off just walks in the house as if hes walking in his mates and starts asking me how i am and how i need to start being more positive!! Telling me everything is going to be ok and the only one that can fix me is me. I could bloody punch his face in !! now he will be off to see his slut im furious for gods sake why do i let him get me like this. All this because he knows ive been to councelling today!!!!! He talks to me as if its someone else that has done me wrong hes in complete denial that its anything to do with him walking out the door with no notice apart from a bloody text after 17 yr 😠😠😠😠😠

Can't you get someone else to do the drop offs Bev - or just get him to drop off at the doorstep and don't let him in and don't engage.

HIM -"the only one who can fix you is you"
YOU - " same time next week? Thanks, see you" (close door).

I wish i could ive been trying to be ok with him for my sons sake but its really p me off now. Im so bloody angry hes a teacher as well just pleased hes not teaching mine. IDIOT 🤡

Bones - think of all the times you cried when he left - did he care then? Didn't you say you had had counselling and ADs? (Sorry I can't remember properly?) Where was he then?

Sometimes reading through your old posts can remind you of things you've forgotten. He treated you dreadfully and depression is not an excuse for all the things he has done.

Is he depressed? Mid life crisis age?
Men unlike women do not talk.
My DH stayed with some good friends and both said to me they learnt nothing about how he felt or what plans he had as he didn't talk to them about the situation despite living in their house! Infuriating. He totally shut down. Every time I saw him he looked rougher and I thought "great at least you look rough" he also cried a lot and although he said he wanted to move on showed no real inclination to do so.
There was no OW so it's not always that.
Seems like men cause there to be a lot of confused women out there.
I realise I'm in the minority here but it seems if you still wanted to work it out it doesn't seem a total lost cause he seems to still care. If he were in the midst of a new romantic fling he'd be looking his best surely?

Bev - I don't mean you should be OK with him but only engage when it's about practical matters - such as DS. Your counselling sessions are nothing to do with him and he shouldn't be commenting on it. We could do with thinking up some stock responses such as "Well, that's my business not yours" - or just completely ignore his comment and deflect with a practical question - such as "Is it Tuesday next week? Ok then" or "Have to get on with tea now, bye". Just don't engage and get him out of the house. Better if he doesn't get to even step in - I hope he doesn't still have a key.

Glitter he's just had his antidepressants doubled this week by the GP. I'm just gonna wait things out I think. When he's ready, he'll talk to me. X

Good plan Bones. Don't forget antidepressants can also subdue emotions which in turn changes their personalities and is why I think my DH could be so detached from his feelings while I survived on toast and gin and crying.
I'm in no way saying you should take him back either I just wanted to point out sometimes things work out the other way. The future is a strange thing yes we got back together and yes he could do it again but we talked a lot and changed a lot of things so I'm hopeful. Who knows what problems a new relationship would bring?
And I'm not a fool either my first husband was having an affair with the secretary at his work, I got a feeling something was up it was, we split and I never looked back. 18 yrs with my current DH I wanted to try to save it that's all.

How long were you separated glitter?

Around 3 months I guess.
He's very private, doesn't say much had a bad childhood, lots of issues that probably didn't help. I think before he left he'd considered life with another woman. No one in particular just life would be better elsewhere kind of thing. like yours he was very detached for a few months before he left I kept asking what was wrong. Us women usually not wrong in our instincts.
Thing is would you want him back?

I don't even know if I love him. I know he seems very weak to me at the moment. Self pitied and selfish. But if that's depression then he couldn't help that could he? I'd have a lot more respect for him if I felt I knew the whole story regarding this woman. Even if it's over now.

I think I have more of a protective motherly feeling for him at the moment.