Is Dh controlling?

[enchantmentandlove]

I'm unsure if I will even post this, but I just want to write it out.

I've been feeling a bit down recently, so my dm suggested that dd and I could stay with them for a few days. We don't live close to family and I don't drive (am learning), so I don't get to see them much and have been missing them. The plan was for my sister to kindly drive us there and back in a few days.

I've been asking Dh what he thinks of the idea and if he's happy with it as he's been having a hard time at work, but every time I ask he just says he'll think about it. My family have needed an answer, so I perhaps wrongly pretty much said dd and I would be able to come.

Dh and I were talking about it again last night, and I could see he just wasn't happy about it. So I text my sister to tell her unfortunately we couldn't come now, but that Dh thinks we can all come as a family soon anyway. I told Dh but he wanted to look at what I had written. I told him no, it's the principal of not trusting me, I didn't want him to read my messages. That's just not something we do. But he kept pressuring me over and over, asking me lots of questions and making me feel nervous. In the end I let him read the messages (covering what my sister had written, as she had seen through what I'd said and wasn't too happy with dh and I didn't want him reading that).

Dh was upset about what I'd written, when I had only written the reasons he would rather I didn't go with dd. Maybe I shouldn't have written it in that way which I apologised for, but for years I feel I don't always give my family the full impression as I don't want them to be upset with dh, and I didn't want to do that again. Still, I had only written the truth to my sister.

Afterwards I was upset, and explained to Dh I felt he was bullying me into showing my messages which I was unhappy about. I also mentioned that over the years people have often told me that they think he can be controlling of me. He just didn't seem to understand and I just apologised.

Most of the time we genuinely have a wonderful relationship. He builds me up and makes me feel valued, loved and special. He's a fantastic dad to dd. He takes care of us, and is always there for us. But occasionally, things like this happen which I'm just not okay with. I try to speak to Dh, but he's is very clever and I feel I always just feel bad for saying anything.

I guess I'm just wondering what others opinions are in this please. Thank you

Do you have friends in RL you can talk to? We all moan about our DH's to our friends but it might help you understand that your life is not normal.

I'm a Muslim. I have a traditional marriage and live a conservative, religious life. My DH is my guardian and the head of our family. But if he behaved like your husband does I think I would run away..he sounds scary...some of the things he's said to you are quite disturbing.
This is not how a marriage is supposed to be, everything perfect so long as one person does everything exactly right- according to the other person. He isn't respecting you or cherishing you for who you are, how you think, how you feel. I think you know that, otherwise you wouldn't have posted. You wouldnt want a marriage like this for you daughter, would you? Trust your own judgement and feelings, you can.
I don't think he's as clever as he's made you think he is and I think you are much smarter than you realise.

I tried to post before but cant see my comment so sorry if it posts twice.

Generally decisions are made together, but if we can't agree then it's his call

Which translates that ANY decision is ultimately his. Don't want to put your religion down but that's not how a marriage should work.

He's made you anxious and made a big, big deal out of something perfectly ordinary.

The very fact you're posting here (and have posted before by your own admission) about the issue means you probably already know the answer. You feel uneasy and pressured in doing what he wants so he doesn't get upset. Does he care whether you feel upset for not seeing your family?

o, and felt it wold be good for me. Dh is not my God, but I sometimes feel I answer more to him.

Oh crikey

This isn't a good situation, OP. You need to start standing up for yourself, starting with your text messages - he has no right to read them - and insisting on going to see your family if that is what you want to do.

Thanks for your responses. It's been hard reading how you all see it, as it's making me wonder if people irl see our marriage in a similar way.

Back where we used to live I have friends, but dh doesn't think you should tell others details about your marriage. Maybe complaining jokily about leaving socks on the floor or something, but nothing more serious. Where we live now I have some 'mum friends' from group, but I don't know them particularly well. At churches I've never really made any close connections, more of just chit chat.

I think dh has an issue with that my family don't really share our faith. He thinks they just can't understand. They are my family and I love them dearly, and I would no matter their faith as it's none of my business. I love people for who they are as a person.

But dh sees my family not liking him as persecution for his faith, and says I'm a different person when I spend time with them and they lead me astray/influence me. He has always made out to me he has my best interests at heart, and I think he believes he does. But even if spending time with my family really wasn't good for me, I believe that's still my decision to make.

You have an actual faith with values. Your husband is a sham and manipulates his so-called faith to prevent you having meaningful relationships with other people because he fears he will lose control of you.

I'm just going to point out all the red flags for abuse in your postbop.

dh doesn't think you should tell others details about your marriage

dh sees my family not liking him as persecution for his faith, and says I'm a different person when I spend time with them and they lead me astray/influence me

He has always made out to me he has my best interests at heart

Isolation from your friends and family to cause dependence on the abuser.

He doesn't make me feel bad or belittle me in my role.

But he wouldn't want you to step outside your role...

If you wanted to go back to work, how would he react?

Persecution for his faith?

Bollocks. They just think you married a complete tosser. And he can't bear to not be respected so he makes out its his faith they're against.

I don't know really. With our life right now if I worked it would have to be something I could do from home while looking after dd, as it wouldn't be worth paying for childcare with how much I could earn. He likes the idea of me being a sahp as his mum was, and he said he really benefited from always having her there. I also struggle to leave dd, so not sure if that's something I would want either.

When it comes to working from home, or returning to work part-time when she's a bit older he seems okay with actually.

I don't have very much to add op, because I think there are some excellent posts on here already. Tipsytrifle in particular has made some really good points - maybe read over these replies when you are feeling unsure.

In the meantime, keep posting. People on here will do their utmost to give you support.

Are you going to speak to your husband today about going to your family ? And call your sister to take you ? It is all very 1950 surrendered wife to me depressing reading and the patriarchal oppression dressed up as religion makes me want to scream - does this really go on in 2017 ? Obviously yes with the blessing of your church - please go to your family and be spoilt have some fun with your daughter. Your husband sounds like he sucks the joy out of everything oh abc while your there look at doing the freedom programme

Also, seek support from your family. Irrespective of other problems, it's not healthy to only hear one point of view about everything - even though your dh seems to think that his view trumps everyone else's!

I think he will actively sabotage any future attempt for you to work outside the home and may well use your DD against you too. He saw his parents example and his mother was a SAHP. He would not want you to step outside of that role.

His actions towards you are hallmarks of a controlling man and controlling behaviour like he shows you is abusive behaviour. Your DD cannot and must not grow up thinking that yes, this is how people behave in relationships.

Re your comment:-
But dh sees my family not liking him as persecution for his faith, and says I'm a different person when I spend time with them and they lead me astray/influence me

Persecution for his father, utter bilge. This is a huge red flag right there, he wants to isolate you further from your family of origin which in turn will make you more dependent on him. He has used your own sense of faith here against you. He knows you probably more than you know your own self, he knows exactly what buttons to press here.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?

Why do you struggle to leave your DD?. Has he really made you feel like this?. You need some time apart from her as well.

Your own childhood was not great either and that played its part in you being with this man now. He targeted you and deliberately so. I think you are slowly but surely beginning to wake up to what it is really like for you being with him.

"Tomorrow I will tell Dh that I would like dd and I to visit my family".

You wrote that yesterday OP, have you asked him yet?. Actually I would change the "would like" part of that sentence to "will".

Without going into too much detail, my parents had a bad marriage. My (birth) mum has mental health issues, and there was abuse, neglect and we witnessed domestic violence from her towards my dad. Things could be unsettled and we didn't always live with them. She walked out of our lives when we were young. When my dad met my (step) mum - the person I've been referring to as 'mum', things got better. Still difficulties at times, but we all love each other so much.

My dad is a quiet man, but I absolutely adore him and we are quite similar. My (step) mum could be quite controlling growing up, but it came from love. We have a very close relationship now and I appreciate all she's done for me.

I really hope I haven't given too much detail there.

I have always found it hard not being with dd. Looking back I think I had some pnd/post natal anxiety at times. My health visitor and others thought so too, but dh doesn't like me going to the Dr as they just give you tablets. I'm getting lots better at popping out and leaving her for a while, as I know I need that too. Dh encourages me to take more tine for myself as he sees I've been needing it. For the most part though, I love looking after dd and being a mum just feels like what I'm meant to be.

dh doesn't like me going to the Dr as they just give you tablets

OP my heart is breaking for you. Your DH seems to have a say in everything you do.

Firstly, no they don't "just give you tablets" - there are lots of other methods of helping.

Secondly, even if they did - those tablets help lots of people. And if you wanted to try them, that would be your decision. His feelings about it are irrelevant.

I am not surprised you have ended up in an abusive relationship. You have not had good relationships modelled to you and you are used to being controlled.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

So your health visitor suspected you had pnd and your dh prevented you seeing a Gp?

Is that correct op?

Christian here and all the good Christian marriages I have seen have been based on both spouses cheerfully serving each other and competing with each other to be the most helpful and supportive. And I have seen many, many such marriages, not least in the Evangelical church.

Note that Yvonne DeVaughn in Kr1stina's 18: 09 post called behaviour such as your husband's sinful. That's because it is. He is not thinking about how he can serve God by being the best husband he can: he is thinking about how he can manipulate God for his own selfish purposes.

And as for what he said about thinking he would not be a nice person if it weren't for his faith, don't you see what he's doing here? He is using his faith to enable him to behave in the same sinful way and feel good about it. Using God.

Oh and dh is in bed after a night shift, so I can't really speak to him until at least lunch time.

Yes that is correct about the suspected pnd and not going to the GP. I'm generally feeling lots better now though.

Is he truly religious or does he just see the bible and his form of religion as a way of easily subjugating you into believing that you are merely an offshoot of him. Were you the same church as him when you married.

That is why he does not like your parents their religion presumably is not the same

I think you have been very brave to write that and it gives an insight into why you are with such a man like your H now. You thought he rescued you; instead he targeted you. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and they between them taught you an awful lot of damaging lessons (amongst many a need to people please). They put their own selves and self interest first and forgot about you in the process.

None of what you heard and saw (and you saw an awful lot) in your childhood was your fault in any way; you were but a child. This man you are now with is similar to your step mum who is also controlling.

Re your comment:-

"Looking back I think I had some pnd/post natal anxiety at times. My health visitor and others thought so too, but dh doesn't like me going to the Dr as they just give you tablets. I'm getting lots better at popping out and leaving her for a while, as I know I need that too".

He prevented you from getting the medical attention you needed for PND/post natal anxiety. This is appalling (and that is an understatement) behaviour on his part and again shows his own paranoia at work here. He really does want to keep you (and your DD) in a gilded cage of his own paranoid making.

Your DH I think would rather you stay as a SAHM like his own mother was. He will still try and block any attempt you make at being outside the home working; he wants you instead in that narrow defined role he himself assigned to you.

Thanks for your reply, it's really interesting to hear another christian perspective as I never have irl before.

It's hard thinking maybe he really doesn't have my best interests at heart, I've always believed he does. I think maybe he thinks he does, as hw isn't a bad man at all. As I've said previously, mostly we are really happy.