Is Dh controlling?

[enchantmentandlove]

I'm unsure if I will even post this, but I just want to write it out.

I've been feeling a bit down recently, so my dm suggested that dd and I could stay with them for a few days. We don't live close to family and I don't drive (am learning), so I don't get to see them much and have been missing them. The plan was for my sister to kindly drive us there and back in a few days.

I've been asking Dh what he thinks of the idea and if he's happy with it as he's been having a hard time at work, but every time I ask he just says he'll think about it. My family have needed an answer, so I perhaps wrongly pretty much said dd and I would be able to come.

Dh and I were talking about it again last night, and I could see he just wasn't happy about it. So I text my sister to tell her unfortunately we couldn't come now, but that Dh thinks we can all come as a family soon anyway. I told Dh but he wanted to look at what I had written. I told him no, it's the principal of not trusting me, I didn't want him to read my messages. That's just not something we do. But he kept pressuring me over and over, asking me lots of questions and making me feel nervous. In the end I let him read the messages (covering what my sister had written, as she had seen through what I'd said and wasn't too happy with dh and I didn't want him reading that).

Dh was upset about what I'd written, when I had only written the reasons he would rather I didn't go with dd. Maybe I shouldn't have written it in that way which I apologised for, but for years I feel I don't always give my family the full impression as I don't want them to be upset with dh, and I didn't want to do that again. Still, I had only written the truth to my sister.

Afterwards I was upset, and explained to Dh I felt he was bullying me into showing my messages which I was unhappy about. I also mentioned that over the years people have often told me that they think he can be controlling of me. He just didn't seem to understand and I just apologised.

Most of the time we genuinely have a wonderful relationship. He builds me up and makes me feel valued, loved and special. He's a fantastic dad to dd. He takes care of us, and is always there for us. But occasionally, things like this happen which I'm just not okay with. I try to speak to Dh, but he's is very clever and I feel I always just feel bad for saying anything.

I guess I'm just wondering what others opinions are in this please. Thank you

Is he older than you op?

Only by a year or so, so not particularly.

How much are you allowed to spend if you meet a friend for coffee?

How much do you allow him to spend when he goes out for coffee?

I don't have a max amount or anything, I just make sure I spend what up I know he would think of being a reasonable amount.

I'm more relaxed really, and encourage him to do more nice things even if they cost a little money. He is sensible with money so I would never tell him a max amount I'd want him to spend.

We are both good with money, but I think as long as we are being sensible it's still important to do nice things sometimes.

O...m...g

I can't believe the fuss over wanting to go to your mum's for a few days.

The fact that you have to post on here asking if this is reasonable should make you realise that it really isn't normal behaviour.

Your husband sounds very hard work.

I just make sure I spend what up I know he would think of being a reasonable amount.

I've just been on maternity leave so living off DH's salary only. It never occurs to me (or him!) to consider what he thinks is a reasonable amount to spend on a coffee.

Never mind what he thinks. What do you think?

He is being "the leader". He sees your wish to visit your parents as a challenge to his authority. In order to maintain his authority over you he intends that, should he allow you to go visit, your dd will be kept by his side as a guarantee of your return. Just in case you have a revelation while you're away and realise that he is a tyrant, not a husband.

He owns you, OP, and you are just starting to question this in some (not all) circumstances. He also believes that he owns your dd and in time this will become very, very clear. Even if you don't question most of his actions, desires, faith or talking with god about you, this will become clear. She is your beloved and he will use her as his tool of control over you. He will also brainwash her as he has you.

This is an abusive controlling relationship and you were targeted for your innocence and naivete. If you find that your mind, heart and soul become increasingly aware of this then you should be aware that he will be at his most repressive and dangerous. It would be wise to keep your counsel, OP, and not share any of this nascent questioning with him at all.

Enchantment (in your username) is just that. A spell cast over someone to deprive them of free will. Love has no part in this, just ownership and being owned.

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He's definitely controlling and gaslighting, it's written all through your posts.

I'd go as far as to say a touch of narcissism is there too. Be very careful of this. I suspect there is other behaviours he exhibits that you haven't realised yet.

Well he earns the money and works very hard, so I don't want to take advantage of that.

Do you think it's better I keep my feelings to myself for right now then, rather than share them with him? Dh has always said that's why he fell in love with me - my innocence, my trusting nature, seeing the best in others etc.

When I said my vows I accepted him as the leader of our home, just like how he was brought up. His parents have a very happy marriage so I thought it was a good idea. I don't know. Sorry I'm just rambling my thoughts now.

The idea of Dh doing the same to dd scares me, I hope he wouldn't.

Am really sorry - what a dreadful relationship. Why is he the leader in the home - surely it's joint? It's not the 1950's with the little women at home. I suggest you go back to work and gain some independence.

Do you genuinely share his religious beliefs?

Well he earns the money and works very hard, so I don't want to take advantage of that.

You work hard at home taking care of his child which enables him to work.

This is 21st century Britain. There's no such thing as leader of the home.

And yes, to keep yourself safe I certainly would keep your feelings to yourself for the minute.

I'm a christian too yes, I think we just have different ideas sometimes and interpret things differently.

Generally decisions are made together, but if we can't agree then it's his call. In the bible it says to submit to your husband, and your husband should love you like jesus loves the church.

I very much think that this is your process of waking up a little and questioning what is going on, what exactly you did when you "accepted" him as leader in your home. This is the fulcrum, or even altar, on which you have based your entire being and self-perception.

I think you should be very gentle and private with your thoughts and allow what is blossoming in your mind to unfold without his interference. He would not allow you to think as you are starting to without feeling the urge to burn you at the stake. He would only have to do that metaphorically in this day and age, using his dominance and your acquiescence in the utmost repressive of ways.

He would, essentially, make you stop your own thinking, questioning and challenging of his power on the basis of your vows to submit to his authority for life.

You aren't rambling. You're thinking some of the most important thoughts in your life.

YY keep your thoughts to yourself for now. You need time and space to work things through. You know that he doesn't like you thinking for yourself, it won't go down well.

He does appreciate my work at home with dd. He is encouraging and tells me I'm his hero, and what a wonderful mum I am. He doesn't make me feel bad or belittle me in my role. He even said he doesn't think he could do it all day every day like I do.

Is your daughter going to be brought up as a second class citizen? I'm amazed that you go along with this lifestyle - I'm so sorry for you.

I do sometimes try to speak to him about how I feel, but he is clever and I always seem to end the conversation agreeing with him, then realising after I don't really. It's not just him though, I do it with everyone not meaning to.

If he really did appreciate your role as her mother, he would trust your judgement about her seeing her grandparents . And he wouldn't try to control your access to money.

You have said that you are good and careful with money, so why does he need to monitor you ?

That's how I feel, that he doesn't trust my judgement.

I don't know really, he's always been a bit obsessed with saving money.

Of course he reveres you as a wonderful mother and wife; how would you ever wish to challenge this perception of your life? When such imagery is donated by a tyrant to keep his passive subjects under control, the appearance of adoration (often mistaken for love) is way more powerful and oppressive in the first instance than any outright crushing of any possible mutiny. Of course he couldn't/wouldn't do all this wonderful stuff himself. He's the alpha leader.

He may seem clever to you right now, but he isn't clever at all. This is why, despite being talked round and round you return to a core knowledge that actually YOU are right. Mind training and control effects your whole way of behaving and being. To be effective it must do just that. Hence you are like this with everyone, not just him. He has given you the alternative version of you, the submissive. The Real you is still whispering though. I hope you listen to her voice and keep her safe.

Thank you so much for your reply, I know I keep saying that but the insight I've read here is so interesting.

I think a difficulty is that when we met, we were just about adults. As we grow we change, and see things in different ways. I sometimes feel I have to fit a certain mould. Mostly, I can be myself eith Dh more than anyone, but at times I wonder if I have changed myself for him.

I actually feel so guilty towards him for writing this, it's just not kind to be talking about my husband in this way. I feel so tired and drained. I just want things to be good between us, and have more respect as my own person.

Sadly, for now, you are not your own person. You are his. Trained invisibly to be as he wishes you to be, based on a "something" in your innocence that believed this to be what Love is about. HE has made you like this. You are indeed moulded to fit. This was not your fault or doing. You are not being disloyal to your husband for hearing that quiet voice of your true self that knows this is an archaic way of being.

Be gentle with your thoughts and do not judge yourself. If he catches wind of any of this he will do all the labelling of "bad" and "mad" required to silence your inner self.