Is Dh controlling?

[enchantmentandlove]

I'm unsure if I will even post this, but I just want to write it out.

I've been feeling a bit down recently, so my dm suggested that dd and I could stay with them for a few days. We don't live close to family and I don't drive (am learning), so I don't get to see them much and have been missing them. The plan was for my sister to kindly drive us there and back in a few days.

I've been asking Dh what he thinks of the idea and if he's happy with it as he's been having a hard time at work, but every time I ask he just says he'll think about it. My family have needed an answer, so I perhaps wrongly pretty much said dd and I would be able to come.

Dh and I were talking about it again last night, and I could see he just wasn't happy about it. So I text my sister to tell her unfortunately we couldn't come now, but that Dh thinks we can all come as a family soon anyway. I told Dh but he wanted to look at what I had written. I told him no, it's the principal of not trusting me, I didn't want him to read my messages. That's just not something we do. But he kept pressuring me over and over, asking me lots of questions and making me feel nervous. In the end I let him read the messages (covering what my sister had written, as she had seen through what I'd said and wasn't too happy with dh and I didn't want him reading that).

Dh was upset about what I'd written, when I had only written the reasons he would rather I didn't go with dd. Maybe I shouldn't have written it in that way which I apologised for, but for years I feel I don't always give my family the full impression as I don't want them to be upset with dh, and I didn't want to do that again. Still, I had only written the truth to my sister.

Afterwards I was upset, and explained to Dh I felt he was bullying me into showing my messages which I was unhappy about. I also mentioned that over the years people have often told me that they think he can be controlling of me. He just didn't seem to understand and I just apologised.

Most of the time we genuinely have a wonderful relationship. He builds me up and makes me feel valued, loved and special. He's a fantastic dad to dd. He takes care of us, and is always there for us. But occasionally, things like this happen which I'm just not okay with. I try to speak to Dh, but he's is very clever and I feel I always just feel bad for saying anything.

I guess I'm just wondering what others opinions are in this please. Thank you

I'm glad you're feeling better op, but what if you weren't? Also what if a trip to the doctors could have helped you feel better sooner? Your health, your body. Your dh effectively allowed you to suffer. Not the actions of a loving husband and utterly, utterly unchristian.

I am sad and angry on your behalf.

What, in your mind, is a "bad man" OP, if your H is a good one?

And the only interests he has at heart are his own. Trust me on that.

The thing is, a man who believes that women should be controlled by men because they are essentially inferior, can't be trusted, not as smart as men is going to believe that it's in your best interests to be controlled by a man!
If a man loves his dog, feeds her the best food, takes her for walks 3 times a day that doesn't make him a bad man for not giving his dog an equal say over finances and child rearing! He treats you nicely as far as a wife needs to be treated in his mind, which is only a few steps above a dog. Certainly not an equal.

Put it this way op. If your dd was ill would you take her to the doctor? Yes. Because you have her best interests at heart.

Your dh prevented you doing it for yourself because his main interest is in controlling you.

You are happy as long as you do what he tells you. That is not happiness.

You deserve so much more op and so does your beloved dd. I fear for her to be honest. He is not a good husband and he will not be a good father.

I get upset hearing about situations like this - in 2017 it's dreadful to hear of another person having such control over another to the extent of restricting medical help and visits to their family. I can't understand how you can claim to love him let alone stay married to him.

You've always believed (or wanted to believe) he has had your best interests at heart but he really does not. His actions are done from a place of power and control; he wants absolute over you and in turn your DD. Do you really want her learning a similar set of damaging lessons on relationships, you were taught a shedload of damaging stuff which is still being played out to this very day. You were targeted by this man who has used his own "faith" to further control your own life. Men like him also hate women, all of them.

He is happy because he is getting what he wants out of this; i.e. you completely under his control and thrall. Many abusive men can as well be very charming and plausible to those in the outside world. He cannot keep up the act with you and the mask keeps on slipping down to reveal who he really is.

Abusers like him are not nasty all the time but the nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. You remind me of the frog in the pan of boiling water; he has ramped up his power and control of you over a long period of time. Such abuse like you are experiencing is truly insidious in its onset.

Think about the model of marriage you're showing your daughter. Would you be happy if she ended up in a relationship where she was completely controlled by her husband? You need to make changes for her sake.

That's why I think I notice things more since she's been born, as sometimes I'm not sure if I would want my life for her. I want her to be independent, strong, and know her own mind.

The thing is, dh spends lots of time with God. I understand many of you may not understand this, but when we pray we let God guide us. When dh prays this is what he says he hears - to not be too close with my family, to move away, to spend time praying rather than rely on tablets to feel better mentally. He doesn't even like me saying "I don't feel well today" for eg, as then I'm speaking illness over myself and so I will be ill. I haven't always understood this.

When dh prays this is what he says he hears - to not be too close with my family, to move away, to spend time praying rather than rely on tablets to feel better mentally.

That's convenient for him isn't it.

You haven't understood this because it's complete crap he can say whatever he wants dressing it up as god speaking to him what aload of crap ! Please get your sister to pick you and your daughter up go home to your family and be really honest with them. You have been brainwashed by a complete moron x please call your suster

Can't wait for him to get man-flu

I feel very sad reading this thread. However I don't think the answer is to leave at the moment because I think it would be more stress than you can cope with. I think you need to work immediately on creating more of an independent life for yourself. I would feel terribly suffocated if I couldn't even buy a book from amazon without dh seeing it. Somehow you need to find a way to make some money that is yours. Working from home would be a start until your dd is at nursery. You also need to widen your circle of friends. I adore my husband but l would hate not to have some real life friends to moan to about him. I understand why you don't feel you can tell your sister and this is where you need friends. If he objects to you gaining more independence then I'm sorry but you do have to leave. And yes go to your mums - unless there is any real danger for you or dd then please just tell him the dates you've agreed to go and for how long - no further discussion necessary.

The thing is, dh spends lots of time with God. I understand many of you may not understand this, but when we pray we let God guide us. When dh prays this is what he says he hears - to not be too close with my family, to move away, to spend time praying rather than rely on tablets to feel better mentally. He doesn't even like me saying "I don't feel well today" for eg, as then I'm speaking illness over myself and so I will be ill. I haven't always understood this.

So, I do understand this. I live by faith as well. My friends and I pray for each other to find out God's will in difficult situations.
We don't speak for God, though. We don't tell each other what to do. We offer insights and the person then chooses if that insight matches theirs. Out of humility, we recognise that we can be deceived by our own opinions, and that big decisions need testing, and affirmation, and confirmation.
We would never say 'God tells me you should leave your husband'. We would never say 'your family are a bad influence'. That is so abusive. It is called spiritual abuse.
Please, talk this through with a minister from a different church if it would reassure you.

Thank you so much.

I really do want to go to my parents, I just hope I can tell him later. I wonder if some couples counselling would help? I love him so much. I don't even know if I'm a very nice person without him. I literally couldn't imagine life without him there.

This is one of the reasons why I hate religion - not in touch with the real world. Hiding behind religion as an excuse for his actions.

Why do you love him?

Thank you popcorn.

That's how I want it to be. But I feel like if dh has a different insight to me, his insight is always correct because I'm too emotional.

So God tells your husband what you should and shouldn't do? Your husband is absolutely full of shit. He has no faith.

Please please don't talk it through with a church minister and please do not go to couples counselling with your abuser.

Why do I love him?

I was in a dark place emotionally when we met. I had never truly been happy. He prayed healing over me for what I had been through, and taught me that I am good enough. He tells me I'm beautiful inside and out, and I've made him a better man - more patient, understanding and forgiving. He has helped me break out of my comfort zone and try new things. He encourages me in my hobbies and loves my quirks. He takes care of us, and is a fantastic dad to dd, she absolutely adores him. He is always there when I want to talk, and will give advice. He loves me, even if there are big control issues in our marriage which need addressing. He is hard-working, honest, fun and kind.

You have no idea what you'd be without him, because he's never let you find out. My guess is you'll be stronger, more confident, and less anxious

Please seek counselling via your GP or ideally from a specialist domestic violence service.

"I wonder if some couples counselling would help? I love him so much. I don't even know if I'm a very nice person without him. I literally couldn't imagine life without him there".

Please please DO NOT embark on couples counselling with him. He will manipulate the counsellor as surely as he has and continues to manipulate you to his will. Couples counselling as well is never recommended where there is abuse within the relationship, no decent counsellor would ever see the two of you together anyway.

You are a nice person, he is the one who is being abusive to you and he uses his own religion to tie you up in knots. The worst type of bad man is the religious bad man and he is truly one of these. Your own dysfunctional upbringing also at the hands of people who completely and utterly failed you led you to someone like this individual to get his claws into. You were targeted by him and deliberately so as well.

I also wonder if you are confusing love here with co-dependency; I do wonder if you are co-dependent. You've been thoroughly conditioned by him not to imagine life without him, he has made you that dependent on him. But you can and actually must break free of his control although he won't make that at all easy for you.

He may truly believe that god tells him these things. However the fact that what god tells him corresponds to what he also wants should make him think twice. It's extremely dangerous to attribute your own desires to a divine will.