Is Dh controlling?

[enchantmentandlove]

I'm unsure if I will even post this, but I just want to write it out.

I've been feeling a bit down recently, so my dm suggested that dd and I could stay with them for a few days. We don't live close to family and I don't drive (am learning), so I don't get to see them much and have been missing them. The plan was for my sister to kindly drive us there and back in a few days.

I've been asking Dh what he thinks of the idea and if he's happy with it as he's been having a hard time at work, but every time I ask he just says he'll think about it. My family have needed an answer, so I perhaps wrongly pretty much said dd and I would be able to come.

Dh and I were talking about it again last night, and I could see he just wasn't happy about it. So I text my sister to tell her unfortunately we couldn't come now, but that Dh thinks we can all come as a family soon anyway. I told Dh but he wanted to look at what I had written. I told him no, it's the principal of not trusting me, I didn't want him to read my messages. That's just not something we do. But he kept pressuring me over and over, asking me lots of questions and making me feel nervous. In the end I let him read the messages (covering what my sister had written, as she had seen through what I'd said and wasn't too happy with dh and I didn't want him reading that).

Dh was upset about what I'd written, when I had only written the reasons he would rather I didn't go with dd. Maybe I shouldn't have written it in that way which I apologised for, but for years I feel I don't always give my family the full impression as I don't want them to be upset with dh, and I didn't want to do that again. Still, I had only written the truth to my sister.

Afterwards I was upset, and explained to Dh I felt he was bullying me into showing my messages which I was unhappy about. I also mentioned that over the years people have often told me that they think he can be controlling of me. He just didn't seem to understand and I just apologised.

Most of the time we genuinely have a wonderful relationship. He builds me up and makes me feel valued, loved and special. He's a fantastic dad to dd. He takes care of us, and is always there for us. But occasionally, things like this happen which I'm just not okay with. I try to speak to Dh, but he's is very clever and I feel I always just feel bad for saying anything.

I guess I'm just wondering what others opinions are in this please. Thank you

I'm not surprised. I grew up in religion and abusive marriages were (and are) rife sadly.

I think your family know what your husband is like hence she was happy to pick you up and take you to your mums your husband knows that she knows too hence why he won't allow it . All this complete crap about Praying for guidance about you going to your mums us complete nonsense it is control plain and simple please go to your mums with your sister she knows what's going on x

Yes conveniently skating over the f t that twice she has given examples where she stood up for herself and he adapted.
She told him she was uncomfortable with lack of control over money. He relaxed.

She told him that she didn't want him messaging her family. He hasn't messaged since.

Thank you everyone. I'm feeling a little overwelmed right now, so will disappear for a while, while I sort dd out and have a think about things. I don't want to make any rash decisions, and need to think about everything said.

Your husband does sound controlling but whether that is through insecurity or whether he is just plain unpleasant is hard to know.

The easy way to find out, though, is to have firm but fair boundaries and see how he reacts. Just say you are going to see your family for a few days and if he accepts it (even with a bit of grumbling) he is probably a decent guy. If he refuses or gets nasty, it is time to take more serious action.

Your husband does sound controlling but whether that is through insecurity or whether he is just plain unpleasant is hard to know.

Totally irrelevant. Most abusive men are insecure.

The thing about being abused or neglected as children is that it makes women vulnerable to being 'rescued' by charming controllers who present themselves as the knight in shining armour, and because you have lacked some love and care you think he's the answer to your prayers.
Unfortunately he has targeted you as a vulnerable young woman who had been extremely easy to control. Now you're starting to recognise that control and reflect on whether you want to live like that all your life.
I guarantee that you're only a happy loving couple when he's got his way. You can't have a normal couple disagreement because he punishes you when you do. Your communication is unhealthy and your relationship is abusive.
Please contact women's aid for advice when you're ready to leave.

www.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/december/but-he-never-hit-me-christian-primer-on-emotional-abuse.html

" Yvonne DeVaughn is the national coordinator of AVA (Advocacy for Victims of Abuse), a ministry of the Evangelical Covenant Church that equips churches to address domestic abuse. She explains that, contrary to what many believe, domestic abuse is not about an angry person losing their temper and lashing out at their spouse.

" Rather, it is a pattern of behaviors that people use to establish dominance in their relationships. "The common denominator is that it's about having power and control over another human being," she says. "It's not about anger management—often you see that the person can manage that anger when they're in social situations. It's not about drugs, alcohol, genetics, biology, out-of-control behavior, or stress—it is about having power and control over another human.

" Abusers use a variety of nonviolent tactics to keep their partners under their thumb. They may chip away at their partner's self-esteem through constant criticism and name-calling, or intimidate them by yelling, using threatening body language, or displaying weapons.

" They may isolate the victim from family and friends, insist on knowing their every move, or keep them dependant by denying them access to financial information or accounts or preventing them from attending school or getting a job.

" They may humiliate the victim by manipulating them into performing degrading sexual acts or violating their religious beliefs, and may threaten to hurt the victim, loved ones, pets, or even commit suicide if the victim defies them.

" And of course, many abusers who are Christians twist Scripture to insist that the victim submit to their sinful behavior, using God as a weapon against their partner.

" Here's the distinction many Christians fail to make: Emotional abuse is not a relational problem, a symptom of an unhealthy marriage (although it can certainly cause both of those). It is a heart problem, stemming from the abusive person's un-Christlike drive to attain and maintain dominance."

Hmm. I think he only sees what he wants, what suits him.

It worries me that he has chosen you because you were vulnerable and then made you easy for him to control.

It worries me that he doesn't want you to spend much time with your family.

It worries me that you have no income. How long have you been together?

It worries me that he made you show him the texts and talks at you until you give in.

Marriage should be about listening to each other's opinions and then making a decision together.

I am very religious, but I would never try to control my family like this. I behave more respectfully with my teenage children.

I'm worried about you.

Yes he is.

What I find strange is that you have to seek permission to visit your family with your daughter.

I used to tell my DH that I'm planning to go and stay with my DM for a few days. Of course if we had something going on, I'd change the date, but I don't need his permission to visit my folks.

I stopped getting permission when I left home to go to Uni.

You need to be more assertive.

I've noticed over the years that my marriage doesn't seem too unusual in churches we have been to, so I guess I've just accepted it

Sadly you are right, there are just as many abusers in the church as outside in. It still doesn't make it right.

I know this is overwhelming and it will take you some time to process. I also know you don't want to make any rash decisions and most posters here would agree that's wise,

You need to take your time, read, research, speak to your family and others you trust. Theres no rush, you want to be sure you are doing the right thing.

Perhaps you could think about doing the freedom programme run by women's aid? Many groups take place in the day and your could take DD. It's completely confidential and free. There are books but you can leave them at the venue and never take anything home.

DELETE YOUR HISTORY CONSTANTLY.

Your children will learn from their parents what a marriage looks like. Is this the model you want them to emulate, OP? MN, and indeed real life, is full of people realising that they or their partners are repeating behaviours learnt from their parents. Maybe your husband can learn to treat you fairly and respectfully, but I'm afraid the religious back-up makes that even less likely than it already would be.

He's controlling and gaslighting you. I find it disgraceful of him to say your family upset your dd and she doesn't like them. What a wanker. Sorry, OP, but he is controllingand andis fearful of you realising the truth about him. Please be very careful with him and please ensure you go to visit who you want when you want. Still doesn't know if he wants you to go and visit your family is ridiculous. Don't allow him to do this to you.

Thank you again for your replies.

I have been reading some of the articles and all of the replies, as well as meditating on what to do. Tomorrow I will tell Dh that I would like dd and I to visit my family. I need some freedom, and as dd's mother he needs to trust that she will be fine away from him and I won't let her be upset. I may be a woman, but I am still strong and he needs to respect that. I also want to teach dd that she is strong and doesn't have to be under anyone's control.

I'm seeing that he is too protective of me, in an unhealthy way. He may be emotionally abusive at times as some of you have said, but I need time with this to figure out what I think and what to do.

This is what I'm saying now, I hope I can tomorrow, and I hope that he understands as otherwise I don't know what to do.

Oh and we have been together for 6 years to reply to a pp.

He doesn't need to understand but acknowledge that this is how it's going to be. Why don't you have access to family money? Do you work?

It does sound like you are treated as a second rate person in the marriage

I'm a sahp, we moved while I was pregnant with dd. I wouldn't say I don't have access, I have a card and can buy things we need. Dh is just very aware whenever I spend money and asks about every purchase (he has gotten better, and I am very sensible with money) that's all.

Well done for reaching that decision, op. It can't have been easy to read the comments on here, but I agree with other posters that he sounds extremely controlling. Stay calm when you are talking to him tomorrow, but stand your ground. It may be easier not to get into a long, involved discussion but just to tell him that you want to see your family and you have made your decision - don't let him twist everything around and make you feel in the wrong. You have EVERY right to visit them - he has NO right to stop you!

That sounds promising, OP.
Be very careful. Push back a bit and see what happens. He might get worse. He might start trying to charm you and lull you into a false sense of security.

Just stay aware.

Do you think that asking about every purchase is quite controlling ? how does he know when you have spent money - does he check the acount online each day ? Do you have to show receipts ?

That's what I was thinuking, I'm hoping when I tell him he'll be okay with it, but if he isn't that's very telling too. He has said he needs me there, and I am always very supportive of him. But I believe this is what I need, just a little break away. We all need breaks from the every day, and there is nothing wrong with that. Also it will be nice to spend some time with my siblings and parents away from Dh, as I can be more relaxed and it's just a differnet dynamic.

With the money thing, I don't have to show reciepts or anything and he doesn't check the account every day. We are saving right now so have to be sensible with money (which I genuinely am), but he's always been a bit obsessed with not spending money. He just likes to know exactly how much I've spent say I meet a friend for coffee, or get the bus into town with dd to buy her some clothes for example. I don't do these things particularly often though.

Well I go out for coffee once a week after group, but other than that.

I feel so nervous right now. I think I should call my sister to see if she can still drive me, but then I'm definitely going as I can't change my mind again as my family are already annoyed. But then if I do, I'm definitely going even if Dh disapproves. A part of me wants to get telling him tomorrow over with before I call my sister, but then I'm unsure if I'll chicken out of telling Dh in the first place. I don't know!