Seen a dubious message..

[ughwhattodo]

Well there I am enjoying my breakfast with DH and he gets up to go finish getting ready for work.
The next minute his phone dings and automatically my eye is drawn to it (reflex thing, honestly I wasn't snooping it was right next to me)
And there's a message showing on the screen from 'Z' saying
"Are you really happy with your life the way it is...?"

He's gone to work now and I can't stop thinking about it. No, I didn't say anything to him as I was a bit shocked/confused.
The fact he has someone's number saved as just 'Z' is a bit strange to start with and then asking such a personal question....

To be honest it's felt a bit different recently but I'm not sure if now I'm overthinking things. We are newlyish married (nearly a year)

Any advice?? It's weird isn't it

Sorry OP. And forfox is right relationships is a great section for advice. If you 'report' you can ask HQ to move.

Oh OP. I am so, so sorry. What a horrible shock for you. What a scumbag he is

Ahhh gut right again.

Sorry op,

I don't think you'll ever get the whole truth, he'll simply pass the blame in your direction.

I'd imagine he's given these women a HUGE sob story and painted you as a She-devil.

Leave him to it, set him free to text as many messages as his fingers will physically permit.

I wouldn't give anymore of yourself to him. Draw a line. Pick yourself up and walk away with your head held high. Don't even give him so much as a backward glance.

I'm so sorry to see your update What is your situation? Do you have DC? Can't he leave? There is some great advice on here if you need it. Please be kind to yourself.

Sorry you're going through this OP! what a prick. And to then turn it round on you...what a bloody cheek!!!

Would be interesting to know what his reply was to the 'are you really happy with your life the way it is' text. That will tell you all you need to know.

Hey everyone.

Spacebabe he had actually ignored that question..

So here's a quick rundown of my situ.

I have DS10, husband has 2 DC (8 and 10) who are staying with us this week.

We have been together 5 years, married for one. My DS's dad is an absent parent and AH (arsehole H) has been amazing in that respect.

AH's career means he has placements which move any and everywhere and when we got engaged (3 yrs ago) I gave up my career to be with him and as a result have lived in 4 different cities over the last 3 years and have become totally financially dependent on him - didn't get a job due to not knowing length of contracts etc... this city we just moved to was on a 2yr contract so I've been job hunting.
I'll mention here that AH is a super high earner and has always wanted me to be in the 'housewife' role and has even asked me if we could have a baby together , I've always felt that 3 is plenty though it would've been nice to have a baby that was biologically both of ours.

We moved to the latest placement in Jan and I've not really settled here yet.
Now I'm considering my options which would include going back to our last city where our rental home is still available and my son has lots of good friends. Obviously I'll have to get a job again and it's going to be hard going back to what I was doing before having had 3 years off!
The other option is to stay in this city as I have a job interview lined up for next week for a job I would absolutely love. But I have no friends/family/anything here except for DS.
My family have moved abroad so going back "home" isn't an option.
Of course, another option would be to listen to him when he was begging me this morning to stay and believing him when he says he will change.
I'm feeling huge guilt with the impact this will have on my lovely laid back DS who has been moved all over the place .. he never complains. He's such a sweet boy. I'm very sad that his father figure has let him down
AH has just taken the DSC out for the day, he won't be back til late so I've got all day to think/wallow in self pity (or at least til school pick up time for DS)
What to do.........?

(Think I will try to get this moved to relationships board)

Hi all

We're just sending this over to the relationships board as the OP has been in touch.

Thank you Lorna

Oh fuck, sorry OP, I really wanted it to be a spam message.

So sorry OP.

From what you've described, I think moving back to the previous city where your son has friends would be the best option. Do you also have friends there?

I think you should seek legal advice as soon as you can regarding any financial settlement for you, on the basis that you'd given up your career for him - he may be required to make some provision for you. But IANAL.

Sweetheart you have nothing- NOTHING- to feel guilty about. This is not your fault.

How are you feeling? Do you want to have a quiet day or do you want to be getting on and doing something?

It's a very good thing you 'snooped'. Denying it and trying to gaslight you after you saw his messages means that if you had asked he would just have deleted them all.

At least you know what he is now. You just have to think about what you want.

my plan for today was to prep for next week's interview. I have a written assessment and as I've been out of work for some time I need to do some research. Can't concentrate though... I really want this job but that would tie me to this city

wankbadger

I'm sorry he's putting you & DS through this.

If I were you, I'd go back to the city you lived in before where DS has friends & the house is still available. You'll both be less lonely & youll find a job there.

You cannot stay with him. He didn't learn the first time, he's not going to change now, you'll just live your life waiting for him to do it again. It's no life. I know he appears to be great with DS & I'm sorry DS is losing a father figure, but in the long run, AH will damage him. You don't want your lovely DS growing up resenting him for his repeated affairs, or feeling like he has to defend you or that this is how you treat your partner & ruining his future relationships too. Show him now that being a cheating bastard RUINS your relationship. Don't shy away from being honest about what has happened.

Silver Lining - you can trust your gut instinct 💐

Be strong, you can do this. Get a Shit Hot Lawyer & take this bastard to the cleaners. Every. Single. Penny you can get.

I think going a back to the city you lived in previously would make it a cleaner break for you. Less chance of bumping into him in Sainsbury's for one thing.

I hope you can get something sorted. You must be in shock

So what has he admitted to?
Can you tell from the conversations if they've had sex as yet?
I know it shouldn't make it a difference but me it does.

I would go to the interview anyway.
You'll have had some thinking time by then and the experience will be good for any future interviews.

Do you have good friends anywhere?
I would consider moving closer to them if you are leaving.

He says he doesn't know why he was entertaining them but he never met up with them and he wouldnt. he says it was just stupid
I couldn't tell if he had had sex with either of them. one woman was very very forward and asking him to meet her, "we could get a hotel" to which he just laughed then changed the subject.
the other woman is the one that concerns me most... after some digging it seems they were bf/gf around 6/7 years ago. he text her this morning before he left saying "you won't be hearing from again, I need to concentrate on my marriage and wife, i love her and don't want to lose her" - he showed me this all proud and maybe expecting me to be grateful and forgive everything?! He's left for the day now, I told him he is not to delete any replies I want to see it all when he gets home. Not sure what good that will do...

He sounds utterly fucking deluded

So a text is meant to make everything better, is it?

Do what you feel like doing today. You're in shock- rest, eat and drink- these are the fundamentals. Anything else can be a luxury

Bollocks. He's been fully carrying on.

Are you really happy with your life the way it is...?

Sounds like a full-blown affair/s and the OW/s want him to end things with you to be with her. This is far more likely than them both being sooooo desperate to shag him that they're begging and pleading with him. As if.

He's trying to blame them - Sorry darling, I'm just so hot and these girls can't help themselves from throwing themselves at me

Is your son transitioning to secondary school? I think if it's the case you should prioritise where he will do well.Also what about cost of living in various places?

Sorry to be pessimistic but a short marriage and no joint children means less likely of financial support.

He obviously has issues with needing his ego stroked.

As soon as he gets out the door he'll send a follow-on text...ignore the last, it's just to buy us time, send me back something along the lines of "I understand, I will never contact you again. Goodbye" ...

He will get a pay-as-you-go SIM and give a different number. He won't stop just because he's been caught.

He will say whatever he believes you want to hear.

If the last city is still an option? Then the least he could do is fund your stay there until you can support yourself. Maybe say you need time apart to weigh up your options?

Oh OP, I'm sorry! When I posted yesterday I had hoped it would just turn out to be completely nothing.

He really doesn't "get" what he's done does he? Whether he's had sex with either of these women isn't the only relevance is it? He's cheated on you whether he sees it that way or not.

Having been through this (an emotional affair/sexting), I would recommend that you tell him to leave - at least for a while. You need space to think things through & you can't do that with him there making pathetic excuses and trying to minimise his behaviour.

The stages H went through after being "discovered" were;

Saying sorry, promising never to do anything like this again. But without any actual appreciation of what he'd actually done. Just hoping to smooth things over .

Blame. Blaming me, my illness, his upbringing (very spoilt child), my upbringing (emotionally cold), our DCs (stressful), OW (needy), OW's DH (serious health issues). Basically blaming anyone or anything but his own actions.

Sadness. "I can't live without you." "I've fucked my life up." "Please forgive me."

Genuine remorse (although this doesn't always happen). He can't have genuine remorse until he fully appreciates and understands how wrong what he did was. We only got to this stage with counselling through Relate. Having that third party helping to talk the situation through brought the actual reality home somehow.

There are a few things to remember though - even if H does show genuine remorse and changes his behaviour (permanently) you don't have to stay with him if you feel you don't want to. We have been together for 21 years, married 18. I discovered H's affair 12 months ago now, he moved out at my insistence and we have been working on things ever since. Even with 21 years under our belts and H having changed his behaviour & attitude to lots of things quite dramatically, it is still not certain whether our marriage will survive. I still love him but TBH, the damage he has done to my trust of and respect for him may be irreparable.

Best of luck OP. Start with one thing at a time, for me, that one thing needs to be space.

Why can't you do the job you love and be tied too that city? Doesn't mean you have too be tied to him

Would you ever be able to trust him again?
Would you not get suspicious every time his phone went?
When he goes out would you not be thinking who he is with?

It's no way too live.

So sorry OP

I hope you can work out the best course of action for you and your son.