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Original poster

My daughter has not invited me to her wedding

136 replies

Sosad1 · 04/02/2017 04:05

My daughter has remained silent towards me for the past 6 years. I have tried so many times to try and find a solution, she refuses to talk. I have respected her wishes and now learn she is getting married in 6 weeks time. I am not invited. I am devastated and simply cannot understand what is at the bottom of all this. I believe my mother had something to do with this state of affairs, she wrote me a ghastly letter about all my faults, and it went on for pages. She showed this letter to my daughter. I think my daughter was the daughter she wanted. I never felt love from her, and she was jealous of the loving relationship I had with my father (now dead) I do my best to help my old mother and she realises I can be useful, but the damage has been done between my daughter and myself. I was thinking I could slip into the back of the church and slip out again, just to see my only daughter getting married. I would love to see her, but would not want her to see me if this would upset her in any way. Should I just realise I have no daughter anymore? I was a single parent and gave up so much for her while she was growing up, making sure I was available and only taking work where I could take her until she was 5. My parents babysat her. My daughter has a terrible temper, and I have lived through her anorexia when she was 14, which was terrifying.Sorry this is garbled, I am in despair. I have a son 7 years younger than his half sister and we have a loving relationship. Everyone else in my family has been invited, except me.

OP posts:

getmeoutofhererightnow · 04/02/2017 20:42

I'm so sorry OP you're so obviously in pain. Nobody can know what you're going through until they've experienced the truly agonising pain I know you are feeling. You've done your very best, nobody can ask any more of you. For all the judgemental sods i really hope one day this doesn't happen to you because it really could! Take care OP

Shayelle · 04/02/2017 20:46

Would love to hear the daughters side of the story..

getmeoutofhererightnow · 04/02/2017 20:57

Shayella yes I think you mentioned about there being two sides to every story higher up on the thread. OP is looking for some help and comfort not more judgement. Pain is pain. How old are your kids btw?

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/02/2017 22:29

Daffs

There are some for whom nc is the only possible choice but they are a distinct minority - reading this site you wouldn't know that.

How would you know that they are in the minority? There is no real way to check, and we don't know the reasons for the OP's daughter going nc. For her and many other cases it may well be the only choice left.

Op had the misfortune to walk straight into the blind prejudice that predominates on this subject on MN.

I wouldn't call it "blind prejudice", you are talking about the many posters on here that have lived through situations that have required them to go nc.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 04/02/2017 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 04/02/2017 22:56

OP I think you may find the kind of emotional support you are looking for on Gransnet, in the ongoing 'cut out of their lives' thread on their relationships board.

Shayelle · 04/02/2017 23:07

What relevance would it be to this thread, getmeoutofhererightnow, what age childen i had?!! How random. No relevance, as far as i can see. What would be relevant would be to know why the daughter was NC with the OP.

Amandahugandkisses · 04/02/2017 23:36

I'm so sorry OP.
I think behind anger is always pain.

Montane50 · 05/02/2017 00:20

So for 6 years you've remained silent, and now with 6 weeks to go you want to gatecrash the happiest day of her life? It doesn't work that way op, you need to put the leg work in 1st-not at the last minute ready to reapt the rewards!

LadyHelenOfShitsville · 05/02/2017 00:41

Sympathies OP. I have first hand experience of how easy it is for toxic family members to manipulate the children of the family 'scapegoat' and it sound like you were your mother's. Especially if there was an underlying reason for your daughter to feel anger towards you, without you necessarily being to blame for it. What happened with her father? Did you ever find out what triggered the anorexia?

I would write to your daughter telling her that you would have liked to have known what you had done to make her not want you in her life but you will respect her decision, wish her well for her marriage and tell her that you will always love her and will be ready to talk if she ever changes her mind and wants to resolve the situation. Then leave it there.

Please stop doing anything for your horrible mother, 98 or not, I would dump her in a care home. Start standing up for yourself.

sashh · 05/02/2017 00:57

Taking an ill child to the Dr is not worth you getting a medal, it is what parents are supposed to do. It is not about you.

Oddsockspissmeoff · 05/02/2017 02:37

well know what a Narc is - I was brought up by one and subsequently married one

Then you will be familiar with the devalue / discard and the vandalism that occurs. And the projection.

Absofrigginlootly · 05/02/2017 03:47

Not rtft so sorry if repeating but OP If your DM has narscisstic personality disorder these links may be of use to you to understand the dynamics that may have played out...

Scroll past all the book recommendations:
www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/narcissistic-grandmothers/
^^ that website sounds like it will be helpful for you

Also read:
narcissismschild.com/2015/02/20/keep-narcissistic-grandparents-away-from-your-kids/#comments

sounds like a tough situation

BantyCustards · 05/02/2017 05:04

Gosh, odd, are you really completely unable to read my posts? Or have you cherry picked? As I have previously typed:

I am well aware that the screamingly familiar tone of the OP's posts could just be her venting to a group of strangers - I am well aware that you cannot get the full measure of a person from a few words on a screen (see what I did there? I understand how projection works - very unsubtle attempt at a jibe, I am cluster B PD free but thanks for the 'hint')

The fact remains that the OP's approach was alarmingly familiar - my own DM would have written (and has said) similar very typical I I I, me me me phrases.

One of the blindingly obvious cluster B traits is that there is no awareness whatsoever of having such a thing.

It was not, and is not, unreasonable to point out the possibility to the OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/02/2017 05:30

Don't go to the church. HUGE mistake.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/02/2017 07:10

If the OP is still reading at all, I second Rumbling's suggestion that she check out the long-running thread on Gransnet.

iamavodkadrinker · 05/02/2017 07:59

Yeah go to gransnet - there's a thread of women without a grain of self awareness between them on there.

FruitCider · 05/02/2017 08:01

I'm a bit shocked at all the posters suggesting that it is fine to send letters etc to someone that wants no contact. You realise this is a form of harassment? To continue to contact someone who doesn't want contact with you.

OP, I've got no idea what has happened within your family, but whatever it is, it has obviously upset your daughter to the point she does not want yo see you anymore. I highly doubt it's over a letter your mother wrote.

Don't turn up at the wedding. She doesn't want contact. Turning up may be viewed as harrassment.

pallasathena · 05/02/2017 08:30

Sometimes its best to let things be. Your daughter has the right to manage her life and her relationships as she sees fit. You are not invited and you have to both accept and respect her decision. She has the right to make that decision.
I would think carefully about sending a card and a small gift. Canvassing the opinions of other family members may help you on this particular point but what you really, really need to do and its very, very hard to actually do, is to consciously detach from it all.
By detaching, you give yourself permission to get on with your life. I've met a few people, like yourself, who have adult kids who don't want to know them and its heartbreaking to watch the pain, guilt, denial and disbelief that they go through.
You have to accept that it is what it is, determine to stop giving any more headspace to those raging feelings of rejection and re-make a life for yourself as an independent individual and not as somebody's estranged mother.
That way, eventually you achieve some sort of closure. That way, you gain perspective and who knows, in time, maybe some sort of reconciliation but that isn't the purpose of detaching. Prioritising your wellbeing and mental health is.

differentnameforthis · 05/02/2017 09:56

I didn't invite my mother to my wedding. I was non contact with her for 2 yrs prior.

You ask her and she will also tell you that she cannot understand why. She will tell you that my dh made me not invite her because he completely turned me against her, which would be a lie. The real reasons are very different to that. She will also tell you about what she did for me, but would also leave out what she didn't do for me..one example. Not coming to the hospital for several days after I had an op at 9. I even asked the nurse to call her, and mummy dearest said no. But the way she tells it is that she couldn't get there, because she didn't drive. Again, my step dad would have been willing to bring her, as would my dad .. Oh except she didn't tell my dad where I was, or even that I was having an op!

The fact that you see this as manipulation tells me a little but about why your daughter doesn't want you there. I think there is more to this that you would like to admit.

I understand it must be hard. But she has her reasons. You turning up at the church will be very damaging, I wouldn't advise it.

As for sending cards/letters...my mum did this, it felt manipulative and would unsettle me for days.

differentnameforthis · 05/02/2017 09:58

katiestrick · 08/02/2017 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Faithless · 10/02/2017 10:05

This very sad. It seems like sad and distressing things have happened within your family that have been hard to deal with.
You seem to have very little insight into the reasons why your daughter feels such anger towards you. It reminds me of a similar situation in my own family. If you miss your daughter and want to build bridges, talk to people that know her and get counselling to help you develop the insight you seem to badly lack. This might help you to understand how might be the best way to approach her. Forget about the wedding for now, if you want to build bridges do it because you love and miss your daughter but you will need support to figure out the most appropriate way forward.

thethoughtfox · 10/02/2017 13:01

Yes, try to rebuild your relationship with her but don't contact her asking to come to her wedding in the first instance. It is a huge thing for a child not to invite their mother to their wedding, perhaps more so for a daughter and this would not have been done lightly. It is her day to be celebrated how she wants it. It would be unforgivable to intrude on this against her wishes and attend however discreetly. You would be bringing her most private pain to what should be her happiest day. I speak as someone whose husband did not invite his mother to our wedding ( a neglectful, and I suspect narc person). If she had attended and we were aware of this, it would have cause much awkwardness and upset.

Ldinlove · 25/11/2018 01:50

For all of the people who have posted that this daughter should be handled so lovingly and carefully. Screw the daughter! This mother is in pain and deserves better. To the writer. If your daughter treats you so abusively, you're better off without her

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