My daughter has not invited me to her wedding

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My daughter has remained silent towards me for the past 6 years. I have tried so many times to try and find a solution, she refuses to talk. I have respected her wishes and now learn she is getting married in 6 weeks time. I am not invited. I am devastated and simply cannot understand what is at the bottom of all this. I believe my mother had something to do with this state of affairs, she wrote me a ghastly letter about all my faults, and it went on for pages. She showed this letter to my daughter. I think my daughter was the daughter she wanted. I never felt love from her, and she was jealous of the loving relationship I had with my father (now dead) I do my best to help my old mother and she realises I can be useful, but the damage has been done between my daughter and myself. I was thinking I could slip into the back of the church and slip out again, just to see my only daughter getting married. I would love to see her, but would not want her to see me if this would upset her in any way. Should I just realise I have no daughter anymore? I was a single parent and gave up so much for her while she was growing up, making sure I was available and only taking work where I could take her until she was 5. My parents babysat her. My daughter has a terrible temper, and I have lived through her anorexia when she was 14, which was terrifying.Sorry this is garbled, I am in despair. I have a son 7 years younger than his half sister and we have a loving relationship. Everyone else in my family has been invited, except me.

heppi although I see where you are coming from with the feeling the OP is making her DD's anorexia all about herself, I have to agree with Italiangreyhound - even living with a sibling with anorexia is incredibly tense, stressful and unpleasant tbh. Everyone is constantly walking on egg shells around the anorexic and the atmosphere continues even when they are not home (what if the tin of soup you picked up out of the cupboard for lunch was the one she'd been planning inside her head to have 1/4 of, and your choice of lunch would lead to explosive tantrums, crying and blame for preventing her being "able" to eat, and another rant about how fat and greedy you are for eating more than she does?) it is an illness that makes the sufferer absolutely selfish, self centred, demanding and volatile (maybe not always, I don't pretend to be in expert, but in my personal experience as a teen sibling and the experience of others I've talked to and read on here)!

Its impossible to unpick what's gone on in the OP's past and whether her DD is being manipulative or the OP is re-writing history in her head - it sounds as if all 3 generations have some part to play in the situation getting to this point.

I agree though that appearing in the church will only make things worse - what the OP has done so far is right, sending a small gift and a card with good wishes. The ball is in the DD's court. Perhaps the grandmother's eventual death will allow the air to clear, perhaps not, but clearly if the wedding were to be the catalyst the initiative would have had to come from the person getting married, and as it hasn't this is not the time to push the mother daughter relationship.

Definitely don't go to wedding and don't manipulate her into inviting you. Nothing annoys me more with my own DM than when she tries to manipulate me.

I'm definitely a black sheep of my family and ended up in a situation where I didn't speak to my sister for a couple of years because of my parents. We are now speaking and things are great, to get there I had to tell my parents to stop meddling. My sister is now very angry with my DM. Lots of the family weren't happy with me for not attending some funerals (because I just couldn't deal with them, they just thought I was being difficult) but I'm slowly building bridges. It takes time and you have to rise above the BS, be open to forgiving, remain calm and keep the lines of communication open.

Unfortunately I don't think this will be resolved before the wedding and I wouldn't push for it. Good luck OP, the truth will come out in the end but you have to make peace with the current situation.

Theres two sides to every story. Are you an angry person? Maybe you showed a lot of anger to her as a child and she cant forgive you for it.
Speaking as a daughter who is NC with her mother for that reason.

I think you are doing the right thing by sending them a note and gift and keeping in contact. Hopefully eventually the relationship might improve. However, I agree with pp that you shouldn't go to the wedding if she doesn't want you there. I suspect that it will upset you and your daughter and possibly cause more damage.

I'm NC with a lot of my family. There isn't really a lot you can do unfortunately is that the decision she's made. It's not exactly an easy decision to make.

sosad

You still have a daughter but you are estranged from her. Your DDs reasons for her not wanting to talk to you are missing.

Do not go to her wedding. You have not been invited, she does not want you there so you need to stay away.

I would think you do know why your daughter has chosen to cut you off and ultimately you are going to have to respect her decision. She does not want contact with you for her own reasons. You also need to stop sending her items as well; these to her are unwanted, loaded with obligation and further reminders of you.

She has likely tried to talk to you over many years and gain your approval but has walked away because you are not prepared to listen nor to fully accept any responsibility for your actions.

Have you really accepted your part in the familial dysfunction you write of?. Your daughter made these decisions based on her own perspective.

odfod - she could phone the police? Not if it's a church or any other place the OP has a right to be. And the OP said it's a church.

I'm NC with a lot of my family too; they know why, but would probably whine and moan to mutual friends and family about how harsh I am, how they have no idea why I am so cold.

And I can tell you that if one of them turned up at my wedding, I would not cause a scene, but I would not ever build bridges, if even bridges could be rebuilt, ever.

Any rekindlking trust would be wiped out, for ever.

OP I think I'd continue as you are, sending letters if you like, ask for photos if you like, but your dd is under NO obligation to you or anyone to continue or foster contact.

But that's me.

I have been NC with my mother for 5 years now. It won't change. I don't know exactly what she is telling everyone the reason is, but I know what some of the reason she gives is because one of her friends approached me and challenged me about it.

I could understand it. It sounded ridiculous and utterly unreasonable. I just had to talk her friend through what she was saying and ask how realistic and likely what she was saying sounded. It was very easy to unpick it and expose as a lie. I can't tell people the real reason.

Anyway, my point is, that my mother knows exactly why I don't see her anymore. Not only have I told her, but she was part of every aspect of my life that led to that decision.

The daughter's story is missing here and if we heard it, it would probably make a lot of sense.

OP, you are harrassing your daughter by contacting her. Ignore suggestions to send her a letter and completely ignore the recommendations to turn up at the church. You have no place there. She will see any attempt to contact her as aggressive acts, because they are. They are intended to show her that you do not respect her decision. You should not have sent her a card or a present either. Leave her alone.

My mother wasn't invited to my wedding (and I wasn't NC with her at that point). Had she just turned up she'd have ruined the day and shown me that it really all was just about her. Do not do it.

Op you have no rights with regarding her wedding, she is nc with you. She could phone the police if you turn up

Anyone can go to a church wedding invited or not.

OP what a desperately sad situation

I'm nc with my parents. It's been about seven years. I don't believe there is anything that they could do at this point to restart contact. I don't think our relationship is at all healable.

If they sent me something I may reply and thank them; out of politeness, but it wouldn't mean anything. Thankfully they've only sent a card once, it was the most passive aggressive and hurtful card I've ever seen. I am not sure if it was intended to be that way or if they are just consumed, still, by themselves and therefore can't see how it'd come across. That they have no right to a relationship with me.

My story is a lot more complicated than yours but I'd bet my last dollar that my mum still tells everyone that she doesn't know why I ran away or blames everyone else. If you genuinely don't know than I expect you may never, after six years, but I suspect there's a lot hidden in those "angry" years.

I suspect there's a lot hidden in those "angry" years.

I bet there is too.

Stay away from her wedding - she doesn't want you there and it's HER day.

This is what comes across to be honest - it's your mother's fault, it's your daughter's fault. Her anorexia was horrible for you. Not being invited to her wedding is horrible for you.

Somewhere in there some of it is your responsibility, which you don't seem able to acknowledge. The common denominator in your poor relationship with your mother and your poor relationship with your daughter is you, and you need to ask yourself honestly what part you play in that.

You are not at the centre of either your daughter's previous MH struggles or her wedding - both of those belong to her and she's doing what's best for herself, please don't interfere with that.

Lastly, you can't say you are respecting her wishes to be NC if you keep trying to get in touch with her. You need to back off, respect that she doesn't want a relationship with you at the moment, and focus on the reasons behind that.

She has not invited you to the wedding so respect her wishes.

You are painting yourself as an innocent victim persecuted by the two people who should love you most for absolutely no reason at all. Maybe this is true...or maybe there is a lot more to it.

Well said Fenella Maxwell. I agree 100%.

Do not go OP. Show your daughter a grain of respect by staying away. If you go you will only prove to her that you regard her feelings to be secondary to yours.

Heppi, "no awareness or consideration of her dd's feelings" you are way out of line here and judgemental. Who was it who was so worried, who was it when making the appointment to see a specialist for children with anorexia who said to me "If I had a daughter with that shape I would be very proud"!! when my daughter was starving herself, vomiting etc. Who was it who went on to pursue a private doctor for which I paid a hefty sum, not even batting an eyelid to save my D's life? I went that whole road on my own and paid for therapy for both of us, which my D stopped saying "I can twist that stupid therapist round my little finger" I can't even begin to count the hours that I sat and listened to my D. We did get on better after the visit to the second doctor, then we all had to return to the UK at very short notice, I lost everything, my home, my partner (who was very good to my D) after 23 years together. We were all struggling again. Who took her up to Uni and helped her decorate and furnish her rooms to her taste? I could go on, but may be you can see how upsetting your remarks have added to my present pain. I know my D has also suffered and I have done my very best for her both mentally and physically. Her feelings changed when my mother stepped in and 'took over' My son says I have been so protective and kept them both safe from the situations that we had to go through. She is older and would have realised what was going on far more than him. She has been diagnosed as border line and narcissistic. She spins fantasies and she is very believable. I am not the only one she has hurt, but I have always stood by her, supported her in anything she wanted to do, both mentally and with love, and now this situation. Apparently "I am a cancer that needs to be cut out"

To all those who were able to empathise thank you so much. Your advice about not going to her wedding I have taken on board.
The next hurdle will be my mother's funeral, she is now 98 and with her full memory and faculties.
My daughter is 38.
I can't see any change happening ever.

How awful, my heart bleeds for you. I'd send her well wishes and ask her where things went wrong. I'd tell her how pained you are that you can't see your daughter marry and you'd do anything to repair the damage done, whatever it takes you're willing to try
Good luck

Massive drip feed.

In that case, my advice is to stop trying. My mother has bpd and is incredibly narcisstic. That is part of the reason I have cut contact with her.

There is no reasoning with someone like that.

The triggers for bpd and narcissim are rooted in childhood, so I don't think you're entirely in the clear with regards to responsibility. But I certainly think that now, for your own well being, you need to step away.

Why did you have to return to the UK suddenly OP? Is that where the problem stems from?

Is that not what you do as a parent though?

My mother has helped me out immeasurably over the years but she uses this against me when it suits her, but the things she's done I just see as her being a parent, the same things I would do for my DD without thought for recognition as it's my duty as a parent.

However, just because my mum has been a "mum" to me, doesn't eradicate the fact that she's a narcissist, can't and won't accept any wrongdoing for anything, is very controlling and everything has to be about her. So even though you have been a parent to your DD when she's needed it, doesn't mean that there aren't things you have done that could've resulted in your DD going NC and contributed to her anger.

Lol! Op you are so blind. All the stuff you consider makes you a good parent is stuff which every regular parent does. Supporting their child through mental illness, taking them to uni and helping decorate their room. That's just normal stuff. You sound a little martyred if you think this is out of the ordinary. Anyway, the crux of this thread is the wedding and I'm really glad you have taken on board what people say.
Your mother's funeral in years to come is a matter for you. Your dd can have no say in whether you come or not.

Your penultimate post is all about you. How hard it was for you.

"I went that whole road on my own." Your daughter was the one who was ill and yet you only talk about yourself.

There's no real feeling that your daughter is a person who exists outside of you. Getting medical treatment for your own child is a pretty basic thing to do, not something worthy of undying gratitude from that child.

"My son says I have been so protective and kept them both safe from the situations that we had to go through". Sounds like your children had rough childhoods and you take no real responsibility in that regard. Some of your daughter's issues may be rooted in these 'situations that we had to go through'.