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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My daughter has not invited me to her wedding

136 replies

Sosad1 · 04/02/2017 04:05

My daughter has remained silent towards me for the past 6 years. I have tried so many times to try and find a solution, she refuses to talk. I have respected her wishes and now learn she is getting married in 6 weeks time. I am not invited. I am devastated and simply cannot understand what is at the bottom of all this. I believe my mother had something to do with this state of affairs, she wrote me a ghastly letter about all my faults, and it went on for pages. She showed this letter to my daughter. I think my daughter was the daughter she wanted. I never felt love from her, and she was jealous of the loving relationship I had with my father (now dead) I do my best to help my old mother and she realises I can be useful, but the damage has been done between my daughter and myself. I was thinking I could slip into the back of the church and slip out again, just to see my only daughter getting married. I would love to see her, but would not want her to see me if this would upset her in any way. Should I just realise I have no daughter anymore? I was a single parent and gave up so much for her while she was growing up, making sure I was available and only taking work where I could take her until she was 5. My parents babysat her. My daughter has a terrible temper, and I have lived through her anorexia when she was 14, which was terrifying.Sorry this is garbled, I am in despair. I have a son 7 years younger than his half sister and we have a loving relationship. Everyone else in my family has been invited, except me.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 04/02/2017 13:43

I couldn't face reading the whole thread. You won't get a fair hearing on here op. Too many posters are in your daughter's position and can't see beyond it. Whatever you say you will be damned - please, spare yourself.

Have a look at Dr Joshua Coleman. You'll find a lot there to effectively address this truly agonising situation.

Slimmingsnake · 04/02/2017 13:51

I've read the whole thread.....I grew up with no family because of both parents falling out with their families and going nc.it makes for a lonely childhood....taking everything you have wrote on face value I would say .dont go to the wedding...I suspect she is hoping you will,so she can have the drama of accusing you of ruining her day.....I think yr close friends who you say he has invited ,she be refusing to attend on yr behalf....you say she's 38...meaning she cut you out at 32... what happened to cause that? Why then when she was 32 ...and not 20 for example...that might help you figure out why she feels this way....I don't think anything will change untill yr mum dies.she hasn't encouraged yr relationship with yr daughter she has hindered it..my advice would be keep a respectful distance,expect yr mother to leave everything to yr daughter,and hope when yr mum has passed on yr daughter will mellow...tbh I think she will use it as another stick to beat you with...you never did enough for granny ...you weren't there at the end..blah blah blah....my own father went NC with me at age 16 because I chose to live with my mum...I've had to live with that for my life.and it's hard and I couldn't change his mind,I sent birthday cards presents Xmas presents.photos of his grandchildren he's never met..they got returned...I'm in my 40s and I have to just live with it...possibly you may have to live with this...I'm sorry for you,and I do understand x💐

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/02/2017 14:03

springydaffs

From reading the full thread, te OP's posts are full of I, me and my, what the OP went through for her daughter and what she has lost.

There is no mention of pride that her daughter got good grades, went to uni or beat anorexia.

The OP said that she has respected her daughters silence for 6 years but has sent presents and cards.

She has a poor (no) relationship with daughter but has a good one with her son who says that she is so protective (golden child).

Yes we don't know the full story, but for me this is straight out of the stately homes thread.

user1484578224 · 04/02/2017 14:05

OP when you chuck something out which is filled with such pain and grief, you get all sorts of replies.

Sometimes this can be useful to test the water, get a few opinions but I think you would do better to continue therapy.

Where is the real you in all this? Do you have a job,partner, friends....you seem to have got lost in it all.

measles64 · 04/02/2017 14:09

Granny is mentally ill as is daughter, tis not your fault, these things happen.

corythatwas · 04/02/2017 14:40

I see absolutely no reason for believing that MH issues have to be caused by the parent. And I am coming from this as the daughter of a functional and loving mother and the parent of a child with MH issues, so no personal axe to grind here.

At the same time, I was struck like other posters by how you seem to see perfectly ordinary parenting jobs (paying for medical treatment, decorating a room) as signs of how much you have sacrificed for your daughter. Surely those are just what we commit to when we take the decision to bring a child into the world?

It may just be that you are upset and temporarily seeing things out of focus. But if your dd senses that you feel hard done by, then that may explain some of her anger.

Having said that, anger is part of her MH issues and it probably makes little sense to blame either her or you for it.

corythatwas · 04/02/2017 14:43

corythatwas Sat 04-Feb-17 14:40:39
"I see absolutely no reason for believing that MH issues have to be caused by the parent. And I am coming from this as the daughter of a functional and loving mother and the parent of a child with MH issues, so no personal axe to grind here. "

Sorry, that sentence came out totally wrong and sounded unbelievably stupid. What I meant to say was: Despite being the daughter of a very loving mother etc, so clearly having no personal axe to grind, I was still struck..."

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/02/2017 14:45

Whatever the truth of the story is - and I think it would read very differently from the DD's point of view, yet that again would be entirely subjective - if you truly want to show your DD any level of respect then you can not turn up at her wedding as she has not invited you.

You wouldn't turn up at anyone else's wedding without an invitation, would you? Then don't do it here either. To ignore your DD's wishes (however potentially misguided, and we can't really judge because of not being able to know the truth) would be extremely disrespectful and make it "all about you" on her wedding day.

Please stay away. I understand how hurtful it must be, but just stay away. Get your DS to take photos and show you later.

Funnyonion17 · 04/02/2017 14:48

The OP said that she has respected her daughters silence for 6 years but has sent presents and cards.

What is so wrong with letting a person know you still love them? I don't think the OP has disrespected any boundaries by still sending presents and cards. As the OP said her DD has BPD. Those diagnosed can often cut people out of their lives, devaluing etc. Which makes sense as to what the OP has said. If this is the case then it's good that OP still shows she's thinking of her DD.

As for ops posts been all about herself. Well they would be wouldn't they, given they are her posts and her take on the entire experience.

Here is my experience of someone with BPD. MINE. Over a period of 12 years I went above and beyond for my sister. At the time she was greatful and happy. At later dates if I didn't meet her every whim, I was completely devalued and discarded of and she made it her personal mission to try convince everyone around me I'm a monster. This was a cycle that went on for 12 years.

I'm making no assumptions with the BPD either, the OP has given details of the diagnosis. So rather then pull this lady to bits as I imagine she's suffered abuse like that enough, I think some support is due.

In my opinion, yes opinion only. It seems the ops mum and ops DD have both Scape goated her.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 04/02/2017 14:53

She can't say that she has respected her daughter's request to have no contact if she has, in fact, been making contact.

You might think that contact were justified, Funny, but making contact with someone who has requested no further contact, is the very opposite of respecting it.

Oddsockspissmeoff · 04/02/2017 15:02

It's really not possible at all to have any relationship with a narcissist. Usually there is no one there, the disorder has taken over. I also agree with others about no contact, no gifts or cards. As painful as it is Op, let her go.

Funnyonion17 · 04/02/2017 15:02

Oranges
So if your child had a My problem, a problem which made them prone to no contact episodes. Would you still not let them know your thinking of them and the door is open from time to time? In my opinion it's the act of a loving parents to try, not a controlling one. Anybody with BPD would likely take the OP ignoring their birthday as confirmation they are right to cut them out, not as respectful.

I see the point people are trying too make about boundaries. But not everything is do black and white. Many with My problems walk away from their families. It doesn't mean everyone should just accept it and never try.

BantyCustards · 04/02/2017 15:02

There is a lot 'wrong' with trying to continue a relationship (especially one that consists of sending gifts to the NC instigator) with someone who has made it abundantly clear that they do not want with you.

In fact, I would take a step forward and suggest that someone who continues to insist on such a relationship via gifts and then has the power to vilify the recipient because they do not respond within the framework of the sebdsr's expectations that the sender needs to take a step back and examine their motives if they truly believe their actions are altruistic.

Funnyonion17 · 04/02/2017 15:04

Oh dear, my phone seems to want to replace MH with MY. MH as in mental health :)

Original poster

Sosad1 · 04/02/2017 15:05

Derxa, Funnyonion 17, User1479305498, Brown Eyed Lady, Megabeth, Slimming snake and Measles64....you have understood the situation. Thank you. I am now leaving Mumsnet, I am not in an emotional position to take any further harsh criticism, I have had enough of that for years. My original intention was to get feedback on how to handle the non invitation to my daughter's wedding, I now have that, and to give some back ground as to how we came to this point. The rest, well.....................

OP posts:

Oddsockspissmeoff · 04/02/2017 15:05

I don't think the Op posts are all me me me. The support she's provided is indeed normal parts of parenting. I think she's tried to get across that she's not been neglectful or abusive. Unfortunately it's a conclusion people jump to when there's issues with f an ad's child.

Funnyonion17 · 04/02/2017 15:15

Exactly my take on things too odd socks.
The op only declared she had given her daughter every once of herself as she was accused of thing and defending herself.

Good luck OP. It's probably best you do stay away from this thread as there are many PP with parenting issues of which they are transfering on to your situation. Take no notice, wishing you all the best and hopefully in time this is all resolved for you.

BantyCustards · 04/02/2017 15:29

Good luck , OP. I wish you and your daughter well.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 04/02/2017 16:06

Funny If my mother were posting on here, her posts would, I'm sure, read very similarly to the OPs; full of all the things she'd 'done' for me out of obligation and duty as my mother and all the ways in which there was "something wrong with" me.

She also periodically makes contact. I'm sure she's also been advised to do that by well meaning friends, in order to 'keep the door open'.

But, as always, with posts of this kind, we can only ever have one side of the story.

I will sit on the fence in this case, as I don't know either way; I can't. But I do know that if the adult child has repeatedly said she wants no contact and has maintained that position for 6 years and has now not invited the OP to her wedding, I think it is time that the OP actually does respect it.

Even if the OP is completely innocent in all of this and the daughter has been poisoned by a toxic grandmother (funny that the OP is bookended by toxic people and MH problems, but she is unaffected...), then it will still be very distressing for the daughter to receive this contact.

BantyCustards · 04/02/2017 16:18

Your post resonates, She.

Having lived for years with someone who refuses to even remotely examine their own actions the OP's scrambling to only acknowledge those posters who have nothing but sympathy with here and her complete disnassal of those posters who challenger her (whilst also acknowledging that all they have to work with are words on a screen from one half of the story) speaks volumes.

Oddsockspissmeoff · 04/02/2017 19:55

if the OP is completely innocent in all of this and the daughter has been poisoned by a toxic grandmother (funny that the OP is bookended by toxic people and MH problems, but she is unaffected..

What a horrible stupid thing to say. People are not responsible for toxic family members. Do you even know what a narcissist is or what they do?

Banty when someone is a narcissist there is no other side to the story.They are abusers. I suspect the Op has tolerated years of abuse from her daughter.

springydaffs · 04/02/2017 20:10

Jefferson

It wouldn't matter what she said or how she said it she would be castigated.

Too many posters on threads like this have an axe to grind and are projecting - I wonder how they will feel if, or when, it happens to them - nc has a way of traveling down through the generations. Sadly, MN is yet to catch up with what is swiftly becoming more and more commonplace: the likelihood of more and more parents being subjected to this crucifying agony when their children reach adulthood are high. Perhaps then, once good, solid, innocent parents have experienced it, they will be less quick to judge and will perhaps look deeper at the societal components behind what is becoming an epidemic.

The op was brave to post, if misguided to post here: a site predominantly populated by parents who genuinely don't think it could happen to them. Think again.

There are some for whom nc is the only possible choice but they are a distinct minority - reading this site you wouldn't know that. Op had the misfortune to walk straight into the blind prejudice that predominates on this subject on MN.

BantyCustards · 04/02/2017 20:18

I well know what a Narc is - I was brought up by one and subsequently married one.

Bigbongos123 · 04/02/2017 20:19

Do not ruin her wedding day by 'slipping in'

I am not in contact with my mother and funnily enough her tale of woe is very similar to yours. And oddly my brother says all the right things she wants to hear too...

I'm sure you love her deeply but just leave her alone as she's asked.

springydaffs · 04/02/2017 20:19

*parents who genuinely think it couldn't happen to them.

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