My daughter has not invited me to her wedding

[Sosad1]

My daughter has remained silent towards me for the past 6 years. I have tried so many times to try and find a solution, she refuses to talk. I have respected her wishes and now learn she is getting married in 6 weeks time. I am not invited. I am devastated and simply cannot understand what is at the bottom of all this. I believe my mother had something to do with this state of affairs, she wrote me a ghastly letter about all my faults, and it went on for pages. She showed this letter to my daughter. I think my daughter was the daughter she wanted. I never felt love from her, and she was jealous of the loving relationship I had with my father (now dead) I do my best to help my old mother and she realises I can be useful, but the damage has been done between my daughter and myself. I was thinking I could slip into the back of the church and slip out again, just to see my only daughter getting married. I would love to see her, but would not want her to see me if this would upset her in any way. Should I just realise I have no daughter anymore? I was a single parent and gave up so much for her while she was growing up, making sure I was available and only taking work where I could take her until she was 5. My parents babysat her. My daughter has a terrible temper, and I have lived through her anorexia when she was 14, which was terrifying.Sorry this is garbled, I am in despair. I have a son 7 years younger than his half sister and we have a loving relationship. Everyone else in my family has been invited, except me.

I think it's best that you don't go. Whatever the right or wrongs of the situation, turning up could makes things worse for everyone. Weddings can be emotional enough without any extra drama.

If she sees you it could ruin her day and harden any feelings she has towards you further.
One of the guests will see you. Even if it doesn't get back to your daughter and her husband it will create gossip amongst the guests. Maybe awaken ill feelings or tensions.
How would you really feel sitting there? Happy or emotionally picking at a scab?

I can't see benefits for anyone.

Op. I believe you. As soon as I read your post it screamed borderline and narcasistic traits on both your mother and daughters behalves. I wasn't going to suggest it as I'm not a doctor, but felt I needed to reply after you mentioned it. I know personally how soul destroying it is to have people close to you with personality disorders or traits. You sort of feel like they are from another planet and something is missing as they take everything you have to give, twist it and often use it to destroy you later.

Remember this is Mumsnet and people do have there takes on things, but they don't know your full situation. So try take comments with a pinch of salt.

The triggers for bpd and narcissim are rooted in childhood, so I don't think you're entirely in the clear with regards to responsibility.

Actually that's a theory, another theory is biology or a mixture of both. Nobody really knows and to state it as a fact to the OP and bash her with it is cruel. Get a grip and don't behave so disgustingly towards another human being when you only know a snippet of the story.

Your penultimate post is all about you. How hard it was for you.

Of course it's about the OP, she's telling it from her point of view and explaining ways she has stepped up and been a god parent as you and other posters seem hell bent in convincing her she must have caused this. She never once said she recites everything she has ever done as a parent to her daughter and expects gratitude. I think people on here need to stop jumping to conclusions, the OP is clearly distressed and devastated. Talk about kicking a person when they're down. It sounds to me there are an awful lot of Pp on here bringing their own parental pain to the table and making assumptions.

Nobody knows the full situation.

I agree with Funny

OP - IF your dd wants to go NC with you, you have to respect that decision. Maybe at some stage, when she is a mother, she may build bridges. Or not.

IF she has BPD or narc tendencies, do you really want contact with her (Or yoiur mother if she is the same)? You have done what you can for her during her troubled childhood, and it has not brought you close. Nothing more will. In fact, the more you try, the more she will be able to hurt you more.

It's tough, IF she wants to go NC. IF you really believe she is BPD or narc, leave her to it. You cannot change it.

IF, however, she is NC due to reasons of her childhood and family life, you will know why.

But anyway, def don't go to the wedding.

I have to say, OP, as the daughter of a mother who would regularly throw anything she perceived as 'going above an beyond' - like giving birth to me - if this has been your general attitude I understand why your daughter has gone NC.

It sounds like you were brought up in a very dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship which, reading between the lines (or possibly projecting a little too much - I've only got words on a screen to go by) has deeply affected your own mothering if your daughter.

That may be hard to hear - but may be worth examining.

Many posters on MN are, understandably, NC with their parents, OP, so you may find that you would get more support on Gransnet.

I had the identical situation but with my eldest son who I havent seen for a long time. I have since made contact and it was perfectly polite and ok. I wont go into details but I totally understand how you feel. I was absolutely devastated.

I hope you pay attention to what Funnyonion17 says.

You mention she is a fantasist. She could be reacting to a 'fantasy you' rather that the actual you. If that is the case, anything you do could be interpreted/twisted/exaggerated by her to fit her fantasy. Including turning up at her wedding.

If she loves drama (people watch dramatic soaps/films etc because it is entertaining, but most of us are happy to return to our ordinary lives) then she might just make a scene, no matter how well intentioned you are. My advice is don't go.

My more general advice is let her come to you. You've told her many times you are open to contact. Now it's up to her to act on that if she wants to.

My own mother would label me as a fantasist - it'a a fabulous cop-out for individuals who do not want to examine their part in a relationship break-down.

It sounds like your DD is very damaged and she is just not emotionally able to deal with having a relationship with you.

I a very very LC with my parents, I really can't handle being around them. I invited them to my wedding only to spare them from feeling hurt - I really didn't want them there! I'm sorry that your DD couldn't do that for you and has badmouthed you to all sundry

Banty this op isn't your mother though. Again what you have said is a classic example of what I pointed out earlier. Reading a post, filling in gaps with your own parental experiences and bashing the OP asif she has behaved exactly as your mother has. It's a massive assumption and a cruel one too.

The op has already explained her DD has BPD and narcasistic traits, diagnosed. That is the likely cause of all of this. Tbh op you sound really nice and its such a shame for you. If my child grew up and did this to me I would be devastated for myself too. Your allowed to acknowledge that you've been a good parent. Take no notice of those way back in the thread about that. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Christ this is Mumsnet, the place we are supposed to celebrate the bits we get right, not judge.

I'm sorry, OP. I know from family experience how hurtful it is when a daughter breaks off communication and won't have anything to do with a parent, in this case one of my siblings. We still don't know why, really, but suspect that my niece's long mental illness and my brother's remarriage, the relationship starting well after he had separated from my niece's mother, who also has a mental illness, were triggers. My niece too was a very loved child.

From time to time I try and gently encourage contact but have backed off because it doesn't seem to be working. I just try and be a potential conduit for future communication and we see her from time to time.

My parents, grandparents to the niece, have also been heartbroken for years. My brother is not perfect, but he was a loving father, devoted to his daughter. She broke off contact at about 16 and she is nearly 21 now.

You leave more questions that answers.

Why did your mother show your DD the letter showing your own character assassination?. She must have been but a child herself at the time and was put in a terrible position herself by her nan. Your own mother was a toxic parent and you have likely behaved going forward as she has done.

Who diagnosed your DD as being borderline and narcissistic?. Or are you simply projecting?

But I still have to look at you in all this because you have played a large role in this overall dysfunction. Have you apologised and taken any responsibility for your own part in this here?. I daresay you have not and your DD has walked away from you.

I still believe you know why you have been cut off.

Your own mother was a toxic parent and you have likely behaved going forward as she has done.

You can't possibly know this.

I'm so sorry that you are in this position, Sosad1, and that your daughter does not want you to go to her wedding.

With regards to that, I think you must absolutely, 100% respect her wishes. That day is hers, not yours, and she has made it very clear that she doesn't want you to go.
Please do not be tempted to sneak in at the back. The one thing, the only thing, you can do for her on that day, is to respect her.

With regards to the other things you have posted, I am reading an awful lot about you in what you relate. That's understandable, caring for someone through serious mental health issues can be very damaging. However, that was and is not your daughter's responsibility.

You cannot do anything about the relationship your daughter has with you ... not at the moment, possibly never ... but it does sound to me that there are issues that you still have to deal with, to allow you to move on from this. I do think you need to consider further counselling ... just for yourself ... to help you come to terms with everything.

Blimey, Funny. Ok, it could be rooted in childhood. Yes, you're right, it's only a theory. I don't think to suggest it is behaving "disgustingly".

When the OP said that her daughter had diagnoses, I responded to that. I do think it was a pretty big drip feed though and that she might have got different responses throughout had she said that from the start.

As I said, I know some of what my mother is saying about my reason for being NC with her. It's not even a flawed/alternative interpretation of what did happen, it's just out and out lies.

So if the OP is on the receiving end of that kind of thing, there is little she will be able to do about it other than step away for her own mental wellbeing. There is clearly multigenerational dysfunction going on (even if the OP is entirely blameless and it is all coming from the grandmother and daughter).

Onion - I already addressed your point of filling in the blanks.

In the interests of serving the OP the best that I can - disordered personalities are very good at creating their own realities: whether it's the OP, the OO's daughter or a mixture of the two is in question.

I am, however, perfectly able to pick up in the very telling language the OP used in reference to her daughter'a anorexia - and plainly speaking that language spoke of a mother who was 'put through' the wringer - that's the nature of parenting and the use of such language suggests to me than some honest self examination is required here.

Your allowed to acknowledge that you've been a good parent.

With all due respect, Funny, you don't know that.

I feel very sad for OP. I think posters are twisting OP's intent. My eldest has had surgeries and can't remember some of them but I can obviously. It was emotionally draining at the time so no parent comes out unscathed when their child has difficulties.

She went through the anorexia with her daughter, any loving parent would but it's bloody hard being a parent never mind having a child with an illness.
I really can't imagine what OP is going through

What sort of person shows her granddaughter a letter amounting to a character assassination about her own mother? I would argue not an emotionally healthy one if it did happen.

There are more questions than answers and sosad needs to honestly reflect on her past actions. Her DD has in her mind cut her mother off for good reasons; many people who choose to cut themselves off from relatives do not take or make such a decision lightly either.

No, Attila, in general we don't.

Please don't take this as harshly meant, but the idea that weddings are an occasion for random sentimentality irks me. I wouldn't have either of my parents present if I remarried. It's an occasion to celebrate with the people IN your life. If your relationship has broken down to the point where you have not spoken for six years, that doesn't include you. I haven't had time to read the whole thread, so apologies if this is irrelevant. Sorry you are in pain.

Megabeth

There is a huge difference in going through a crisis with a child and supporting them and going through a crisis with a child and constantly making it about you by reminding them of what they're putting you through.

The OP's language surrounding her daughter's struggle without anorexia is suggestive of the latter.

In fairness the words on the screen could be just a vent to anonymous people on the internet, but it cannot be ignored that the opposite could be true.

Your allowed to acknowledge that you've been a good parent.

With all due respect, Funny, you don't know that

I never said the OP was. I said she's allowed to say it, as in here and IMO opinion it doesn't mean she's subjected her daughter to years of it.

My whole point was nobody knows anything