How to tell him I want to postpone wedding

[FrugalFot]

Hi,
I'm new here and I am looking for advice on how to tell my fiancé that I want to postpone the wedding but doing it in a way that is not going to be 'jilting'.

It's all about money really and I know that shouldn't be a factor if you want to get married but I feel under a lot of pressure.
About a 18 months ago, I went freelance. At the time my parents were really supportive, particularly my dad and he lent me the money to buy my expensive camera equipment and I gave up my rented flat in a city I loved to move back in with them rent free while I got on my feet.

Meanwhile my boyfriend was living and working in another city and he was buying a house. He had much more savings then meas he bought and sold a house with a really good profit and his jobs have been higher paid. I've been paid peanuts to learn my craft so to speak, plus he's 7 years older so more advanced in his career.

He asked me to move in andat first Isaid I couldn't because I wasn't really earning a profit yet. He said he'd put me down in his mortgage application as an additional £400 a month income and he thought that was a reasonableamount to expect from mebut he understood if I couldn't pay that straight away.

And he said that we would probably save £400 a month in traveling back and to and meeting halfway to go out. And he pointed out, I'd be there all the time anyway, which was true as much as my work is in his city.

And he was right, I was, so I agreed as I didn't want to take advantagebut after a couple of months he started to get cross if I couldn't give him the £400 yet.I was still getting money pretty sparodically.And then my dad was getting cross with me if I couldn't pay him any money towards the loan. And I couldn't tell him I was struggling as we had rowed about it when I said I was moving out.

Since then, I've been constantly worried about money and it's wearing me down and I can't sleep or talk to anyone. I've got myself in a mess.

Six months after I moved in, he surprised me for my birthday with a trip to Paris and proposed and I said yes. But the pressure's just mounted. Paris was expensive and I didn't have loads of money to spend as I hadn't been expecting it, so on the last day we had to share a lunch between us and I felt awful.

Because I'd got my engagement ring for my birthday, he hinted he'd like a playstation for his and I just couldn't afford it and he was really disappointed. When I got my first pretty big cheque I wanted to go to IKEA to buy a desk and a chair and it ended in a row that I didn't buy anything for the house.

Anyway, in the last year, things have really picked up for me and I'm doing well, but money-wise I just can't keep up with everything and I still have no clothes and no highlights in my hair.

The wedding is in August and things are getting serious. My BF took voluntary redundancy from his job and got quite a big payoff. I encouraged him to as he had been unhappy and said if worse came to the worse, we could do some work together (both creative fields).

He hasn't had any work to speak of and his redundancy money is dwindling and he is getting cross about it. And he blames me a little bit. He says I persuaded him, but I thought I was just being encouraging and supportive. I get annoued when I go out on a morning job and come back just before lunch and he's still in bed.

My dad has given us £5,000 towards the wedding, which we decided to use on just an amazing trip away as he wanted to get married abroad. The deposit's already been paid. I wanted to be with friends and family so we compromised on a small civil ceremony and party here. But the costs for this are mounting. To try and make up for it, so it's not all about me, and because I've got the nice ring, my BF wanted to get a tailor-made suit which is costing a lot and I went for a really cheap dress but I hate it.

I am an eternal optimist and I always think the money will come in from this big job soon, but it never comes in time and I'm worried.

I feel like it's all a mess, but I feel so responsible, like I got us here and I don't know what to do.

Good luck to you, op.

I am looking at my partner. We've been together a long time. We are relaxed in each others company, get on well, can be apart without jealousy and are pleased to see each other when we return. We help and look after each other.

Everyone should have the same.

Run for the hills. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. It's much easier to get out of a wedding than it is to get out of a marriage.

You need to be with someone who will make you less stressed, not more.

Someone who can laugh at your little forgetful/disorganised characteristics.

Someone who has a smile on their face, isn't a perpetual complainer.

I'm not saying he's horrible but he isn't right for you. He needs someone serious and organised who is money orientated. That's not you.

Everything seems to tie down to money with him.

I couldn't stand someone like that it would zap the romance out of a situation straight away.

Sorry OP, I'm Dad to two DDs and if either of them were telling me this I'd be begging them to leave this guy. I'd also welcome them home, no matter what had been sent / spent on the wedding.

Try reading your posts back to yourself when you're less rushed. Put yourself in the position of a friend describing their relationship to you - what would you advise them? I think it would be very similar to the advice you've been getting here.

He'd be miserable if you left?

You're miserable with him..

You'd be mad to marry him.

Go home for a bit - tell him it's for a bit - but really just tell him you're not compatible. As you're really not..

I don't think you can start off marriage because you are responsible for his happiness. They say this in movies, but really there are lots of factors in happiness and being in a good relationship is just 1.

It has to be a good relationship for both of you.

You sound scared to be honest with him about money/generally. It sounds like he really goes on about you being disorganised.

Just for reference my DH loses keys, phones, coins and bits of paper fall out of his pockets, he cant always remember what is happening on any given day (we have a v busy house and lots of things on in a week) and he is clumsy and could easily break a glass or dish washing up. He was like this when I found him!

This is the least of potential problems! I look out for keys and always put them back in 1 spot if I find them. I ring his phone from mine to find it. I write a sheet he can refer to with the daily activites on.
I don't bring up the times he has caused minor chaos with similar disorganisation in the past! It is a bit frustrating but I am sure I am in many ways.

What I couldnt cope with is not being able to tell him straight away my fears or mistakes, incase he was mean or angry with me.

He pressurised you to move in with him and then pay towards a mortgage that you didnt decide on, in a house that is not yours, when you had v little income.

Go back to your parents, seriously think this through.

Please don't marry him, you shouldn't have to live on your nerves, and that is what is happening here.
You need space away from him NOW ! It isn't too late to stop everything. Better to move back with parents and re think your relationship with him. Go with your gut, it is better to get out now, than spend the rest of your life with him.

I got carried along with wedding plans to a man I knew I didn't want to marry.
Things booked and didn't want to let people down, blah blah blah.
Then I got that light bulb moment.
I'm doing this for everyone else and not me.
I had to call it off.
Nightmares and dramas followed but it's the best thing I ever did.
I'm glad I didn't just marry and then have to get divorced.

This isn't a relationship that makes you happy now. Being nervous of someone and walking on eggshells around them isn't a healthy way to live.

I think you would be much happier without him.

Just imagine a world where you could make all the chaotic fuck-ups you like and all you'd have to do is say 'oh shit' and sort it out yourself. Not explain or excuse or apologise to someone else - someone whom it doesn't even directly affect in the case of the purse/suitcase.

You could be your own lovely 27-year-old forgetful self and just enjoy how exciting things are professionally for you right now.

Seriously, LISTEN to all the posters above. They talk sense. Love yourself. Let him sort himself out.

Please listen to your instincts.

If you were in a happy supportive relationship where anything could be discussed without our consequences would you be this nervous and forgetful?

You might be a bit 'ditzy' still but that's ok as it would be a celebrated part of the real you.

As PP have said, it's so much easier to leave before years of unhappiness and an expensive divorce with possible children in the mix.

When you find the right one you'll know.

He's the one who will go to the ends of the earth for you.

Be there no matter how disorganised and forgetful you are.

He will respect your decisions and not blame you for his if things don't turn out the way he wanted.

There won't be unreasonable expectations or conditions put upon you.

You have a chance to do this right, for the both of you. Follow your gut instinct.

But I think immaturity is probably evident in that I haven't really stopped to think things through properly and I'm allowing myself to get carried along.

Oh my lovely you have got yourself in a real pickle, haven't you?

I was engaged before DH. In hindsight the relationship was a real rebound thing but I didn't see that at the time.

• We were friends and had known each other for a while.
• He'd always been interested and really pursued me.
• I suddenly found myself interested and we ended up together - and all our mutual friends were happy. We were also 'opposites attract'
• I found myself very anxious all the time about how he would react to me being or doing something different. When we started planning our wedding it just felt unreal - like a story where I was a fictional character. He wanted the full shebang and I wanted a civil no-fuss ceremony...guess who won that argument?

Any of this sound familiar?

I didn't become 'suddenly interested'. He pursued me pretty persistently, which was very flattering. But at the time when I thought my feelings towards him had changed, they hadn't. He'd just caught me at a particularly low ebb when I was feeling vulnerable. There is something very appealing about someone who is determined to 'sweep you off your feet' - do not underestimate the seductive power of someone who wants you. Except being 'swept off your feet' means being carried along with something that you don't actually want - it's very passive.

I woke up one day and asked myself the question I posed to you. When I realised that the answer was 'no', I left him. There were tears and recriminations and it was a bit awkward for a while in the friendship group. Most of them understood though - especially after I asked them if they seriously though I should have married someone I didn't love just to make their lives easier!

Life is short. Spend it with someone who makes your heart sing. I've been married to DH now for 12 years and although there are some days where his snoring means that I would cheerfully smother him with a pillow, he can give me a smile that makes my tummy flip, my knees weak and I feel like a teenager all over again. If I have a really shitty day then the first thing I want to do is call him or see him because he is my rock and my safe place. That's the relationship that you want.

He keeps moving the goalposts to make you feel like crap and even more dependent on his 'wisdom'. He's grumpy, angry and controlling.

I was attracted to him because he's really clever I suppose and I know he loves me... He pursued me for a long time... I've got this big fear and anxiety about walking down the aisle. I really don't want to. But he says this is something he really wants me to do and as he has agreed to have something over here I should do it.

He's 100% in control of your relationship. This isn't right. He does not see you as his equal. He thinks he's better than you.

Wanting you isn't the same as authentically appreciating / loving you, I'm afraid. Listen to your Mum & Dad x

Frugal, I hope your day is going well - not always easy when you are suddenly looking at a relationship with new eyes.

One thing I always tell my DC is that as far as I am concerned they can stop a wedding at the altar if they think they are doing the wrong thing. And that is because I have been where you are, to the point that I was physically sick with dread because I was so sure I was doing the wrong thing.

Didn't stop me though. All my friends said how lovely ExDH was. So did my parents. I chose to believe them, because, hey? What did I know? Clever but ineffectual, not quite good enough.... It took me two years for my head to fully catch up with my gut and they were the most miserable of my life.

I wish I'd done what hellsbellsmelons did. Far, far worse, and more painful for everyone to go ahead with it. It ripped apart friendships, and family relationships.

Life is good now with my DH who loves me as I am and doesn't police my every waking thought and action.

Please do give yourself time and space to think this through, and begin to believe that you are not the chaotic disaster your DP seems to have made you think you are. You have started a successful and creative business, and that's something not many people do.

Ad I probably sound a bit over-invested in this(!) but the reason is that I was you. Different personality - I am very organised and anal about time-keeping! - but same situation.

I know what it feels like and I wish that someone had said something to me at the time. It would have made me feel a lot better.

I think many of us who are older than you wish we could go back to being 27 and rethink relationships and jobs.

You are at a fantastic age - old enough to be treated as an adult, but young enough to experiment with your life.

If you heard someone describe their boyfriend in this way, what would you think?

You're totally allowed to be a bit chaotic at 27 with no dependents - in fact you should be enjoying it! And as for immature, well it sounds as if you're making a success of your business - maybe not so much of a success that you can afford to buy playstations for a birthday present but a lot of 27 year olds couldn't afford to be doing that. I went into a marriage with eternal optimism, it hasn't gone so well for me and I'm being far more pragmatic and honest with myself as I head towards divorce. Good luck to you, you sound LOVELY

You're not suited. You disagree on important things, really important things. He makes promises he doesn't keep, like he'll wait for £400 a month until you can afford to pay it, but then he pissed off because you can't afford to pay it to his timetable. You want very different weddings, he scores off you (your family's bigger than mine so I should be able to invte x friends etc).

What you're committing to with him is foolish. No wonder you're scared. Postpone it at least. Move back to your parents. Save.

You do sound like you need the space to think, moving back to your parents is a great idea. I am sure that there is a fantastic partner out there for you. My dsis is terminally disorganised, chaotic, creative, loving and adventurous. Luckily so is her DH

Cancel the wedding and move out.

Please.

You will be so unhappy if you marry this man.

You are already unhappy living with him.

Oh my! Please read all these comments and absorb the truth of them. He is not right for you. He's controlling and nasty. He's not putting you first. This situation is just going to get worse and worse, and then, if you are married, it will be so much harder (and more expensive) to get out of. Please, at the very least postpone your wedding for at least another year, and preferably cancel it altogether.

Paris was expensive and I didn't have loads of money to spend as I hadn't been expecting it, so on the last day we had to share a lunch between us and I felt awful - was he skint at this point, or did he go along with buying one lunch to share to make his point? Beggars belief!

OP, your relationship sounds a lot like the one I was in at 27. You're not immature, you just haven't experienced a 'good' relationship yet so have nothing to compare it to. Looking back now, I have no idea why I stayed for so long - but at the time I thought I was lucky to have someone who loved me, who I could laugh with, who I could trust. In my case it turned out the first and last point weren't really true, and I realised can have a laugh with anyone - family, friends, colleagues, by myself even sometimes - and it wasn't a reason to stay in a damaging relationship. Don't blame yourself. Breakups are always really shitty, but it's surprising how much of a weight you feel lifted when you can go back to being yourself without having to feel fearful or apologetic.

I once left my purse at a train stop 30 minutes away from home. I arrived home with the kids knackered after a long day. My dh then went and drove to get for me ( I didn't ask him too). That's being kind. He would never ever leave me to walk 8 miles when there was no need. You should leave.

Please don't marry him. Everybody else has given you fantastic insights and advice so I won't repeat them, but what I would say is that I went through with a wedding I wasn't sure about (different reasons) and I can tell you that getting a divorce after less than two years of a miserable marriage is way way worse than postponing or cancelling a wedding.

He doesn't sound like a nice guy. You sound lovely but confused and he seems to have you convinced that you are this scatty, irresponsible, immature girl who can't take care of herself without his long-suffering help. He is controlling you. You can't really see it now but you will. I hope it's not too late because right now you can walk away easily, I promise it's harder once you are married/have kids.

What an awful man. You'll never be happy with him because he sets you up for a fall. You were responsible in giving up your flat and moving in with your parents to save money to start your business. You knew that money wouldn't be regular so you altered your life accordingly. Then your bf persuaded you to move to his and give him £400 rent which means that he gets to save what it would cost him to see you plus make a profit. Thrn he buys you an engagement ring and expects an expensive present in return (from his fiance who he knows is struggling with money and is in debt to her dad) and then after he's given up his job he books an expensive honeymoon etc and keeps tally of everything.

Please please live whilst you're still young and have no ties to him. There are million of warning signs of his personality.