How to tell him I want to postpone wedding

[FrugalFot]

Hi,
I'm new here and I am looking for advice on how to tell my fiancé that I want to postpone the wedding but doing it in a way that is not going to be 'jilting'.

It's all about money really and I know that shouldn't be a factor if you want to get married but I feel under a lot of pressure.
About a 18 months ago, I went freelance. At the time my parents were really supportive, particularly my dad and he lent me the money to buy my expensive camera equipment and I gave up my rented flat in a city I loved to move back in with them rent free while I got on my feet.

Meanwhile my boyfriend was living and working in another city and he was buying a house. He had much more savings then meas he bought and sold a house with a really good profit and his jobs have been higher paid. I've been paid peanuts to learn my craft so to speak, plus he's 7 years older so more advanced in his career.

He asked me to move in andat first Isaid I couldn't because I wasn't really earning a profit yet. He said he'd put me down in his mortgage application as an additional £400 a month income and he thought that was a reasonableamount to expect from mebut he understood if I couldn't pay that straight away.

And he said that we would probably save £400 a month in traveling back and to and meeting halfway to go out. And he pointed out, I'd be there all the time anyway, which was true as much as my work is in his city.

And he was right, I was, so I agreed as I didn't want to take advantagebut after a couple of months he started to get cross if I couldn't give him the £400 yet.I was still getting money pretty sparodically.And then my dad was getting cross with me if I couldn't pay him any money towards the loan. And I couldn't tell him I was struggling as we had rowed about it when I said I was moving out.

Since then, I've been constantly worried about money and it's wearing me down and I can't sleep or talk to anyone. I've got myself in a mess.

Six months after I moved in, he surprised me for my birthday with a trip to Paris and proposed and I said yes. But the pressure's just mounted. Paris was expensive and I didn't have loads of money to spend as I hadn't been expecting it, so on the last day we had to share a lunch between us and I felt awful.

Because I'd got my engagement ring for my birthday, he hinted he'd like a playstation for his and I just couldn't afford it and he was really disappointed. When I got my first pretty big cheque I wanted to go to IKEA to buy a desk and a chair and it ended in a row that I didn't buy anything for the house.

Anyway, in the last year, things have really picked up for me and I'm doing well, but money-wise I just can't keep up with everything and I still have no clothes and no highlights in my hair.

The wedding is in August and things are getting serious. My BF took voluntary redundancy from his job and got quite a big payoff. I encouraged him to as he had been unhappy and said if worse came to the worse, we could do some work together (both creative fields).

He hasn't had any work to speak of and his redundancy money is dwindling and he is getting cross about it. And he blames me a little bit. He says I persuaded him, but I thought I was just being encouraging and supportive. I get annoued when I go out on a morning job and come back just before lunch and he's still in bed.

My dad has given us £5,000 towards the wedding, which we decided to use on just an amazing trip away as he wanted to get married abroad. The deposit's already been paid. I wanted to be with friends and family so we compromised on a small civil ceremony and party here. But the costs for this are mounting. To try and make up for it, so it's not all about me, and because I've got the nice ring, my BF wanted to get a tailor-made suit which is costing a lot and I went for a really cheap dress but I hate it.

I am an eternal optimist and I always think the money will come in from this big job soon, but it never comes in time and I'm worried.

I feel like it's all a mess, but I feel so responsible, like I got us here and I don't know what to do.

He continued to pursue and then suddenly, I DID want him. And he always tells me how I make him a happier person and just feel like if I left him, he would go back to being so depressed. And I don't want to do that to my FRIEND.

It is not your job to rescue him from his depression at the expense of your own wellbeing. Don't take on the burden of being responsible for his happiness; it will destroy you. Every time you think about doing anything you will censor yourself in case it make him unhappy. You will sacrifice your own happiness for him. A good partner is someone where most of the time you make each other happy and where you both equally care about the other person's happiness.

Wowsers, if you were my DD I would be mad at him and you for the 8 mile walk scenario. If your train is running late then it is sensible to let the person collecting you know, you forgot, he equally could have easily checked if service running to time. Why didn't he wait? I collect my DH from the station a lot, his phone is often flat from use and I wait, or go to platform to see if service is running behind or use the trainline web site, I don't just abandon him.

But why did you walk? surely you could have got a Taxi and got money from him at home? or the spare bit of cash that you have in the house. If I were you I would keep cash in the house for this scenario.

In your shoes I would delay the wedding and encourage him to get a full time job so he can pay the mortgage, his money is running out.

Continue to build your business up, prioritise your safety and your property. Did you ever get your suitcase back? Did you try lost property? imagine if your camera was in there!?

I don't think either of you are ready for marriage.

Ok, how did he arrive at this figure of £400? Based on your estimate or his? Are you named on the mortgage?

You don't have to sacrifice your happiness for his.

he always tells me how I make him a happier person and just feel like if I left him, he would go back to being so depressed

But that's so unfair and emotionally manipulative. And I suspect he knows that you are unhappy and that this relationship is not good for you, which is exactly why he's coming out with statements like this.

You aren't responsible for his happiness - he is.

You aren't responsible for his depression and how it is managed - he is.

You aren't responsible for "fixing" him.

Sit down somewhere quiet, clear your mind and ask yourself one question: Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this man?

What is your instinctive, truthful split-second reaction to that question? There's your answer.

May I ask how old you are roughly?.

This man is many things but he is certainly not your friend nor someone you should at all marry. If this is what you call a friend I would hate to think what an enemy would look like. Its never been your responsibility either to make him happy; he is responsible for his own happiness.

What awful things has he gone through exactly?.

It makes me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up. People pleasing, becoming a rescuer or saviour?. What are your own boundaries like when it comes to relationships, they do seem to be very low indeed - and thus ideal for someone like this man.

He basically pursued you and in doing so wore you down; he is continuing to do this by his actions now. He'd only be "miserable" if you left because he would then have to put the work into finding another woman to target just as you have been.

If you did go onto marry him it will be the biggest mistake you have ever made given your own very real misgivings now.

Don't marry him. If you decide you want to at some point, it seems nuts to spend £5000 on a wedding when you have sporadic income.

FRUGAL, listen up.
Firstly, you need to sit down with your parents, who know you, and love you, for who you are. Tell them how you are feeling, show them this thread, if it makes it easier.
You say your DP, is a clever man, you're right he is. He is controlling and calculated.
You sound so lovely, end this relationship, pursue your dreams, true love will find you,
Run for the hills .....

Because I'd got my engagement ring for my birthday, he hinted he'd like a playstation for his and I just couldn't afford it and he was really disappointed.

An engagement ring isn't a birthday present!! It's totally separate. Just sayin'.

It just feels like we can never quite agree and everything gets complicated.

And I've got this big fear and anxiety about walking down the aisle.

I don't feel excited about my wedding, I feel scared.

OP, none of the things you've typed here about your OP sound good at all. You don't sound suited at all. Listen to your gut feeling: your partner is supposed to make everything EASIER, not the other way around.

Leave him. You'd be happier by yourself.

I reread my post and it sounds like I am cross with you. I am not but actually I am just worried, losing your luggage and walking 8 miles are hugely risky behaviours. I wouldn't want my DD to do that.

I hope that you were reunited with your luggage.

He sounds awful! It's all about him. That's what strikes me when reading your posts, he says ypu have to stop thinking of you and think of 'us' but it smacks of being all about him then blaming you.

"I am always forgetting things and getting myself into little disasters and scrapes."

I suspect without him around breathing down your neck and making you feel inadequate and nervous, these things won't happen so much.

Get away from him, now. He won't improve when you bet married and I bet your parents would be hugely relieved.

I hate it when we fall out, because it doesn't just get shouty, afterwards it gets silent and miserable for days. I really hate it

So he's a sulker too? Very attractive.

I feel very guilty if I were to leave. I know he would be really misewrable
And he always tells me how I make him a happier person and just feel like if I left him, he would go back to being so depressed.

OP, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS HAPPINESS!!

Is he making you happy? No.

He sounds controlling and horrible.

This is meant to be your happiest time - things won't get better from here; they will get worse. Don't do it, OP.

Listen to what your gut is telling you. It sounds like all your instincts are saying not to get married- don't ignore them. I did and wasted nearly 10 years on a marriage and a husband that nearly destroyed me.
It can feel scary having to make a break like this but I promise you it's better to do so than condemn yourself to an unhappy future.

He sounds manipulative to the point of being abusive. Relationships should make you feel secure and supported not anxious & stressed. Pack your things, go back to your parents.

Ever thought your friends might be saying you balance each other out because they're too diplomatic to say you're completely mismatched?

Oh OP, you poor thing. I'm afraid I'm going to wade in a bit too. My XH was controlling and totally squashed the real 'me'. I'm fairly forgetful and dizzy at times and he managed to make me feel awful about it. I'd try to cover up my mishaps so he wouldn't get angry and have a go.

The thing I now love perhaps the most about my DP is that he allows me to be me. He completely despairs of me at times but always makes a point of saying how much he loves me. I'm also guilty of leaving my phone on silent and it drives him mad, but ultimately he loves me and although he'd like to speak to me the first time he rings, he acknowledges that at least he got hold of me eventually.

Having been through it, had my personality squashed in one relationship and nurtured and lived in another, I know which I'd rather.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I really hope you find the strength to do the right thing for you.

loved

Frugal if you can't hear all of us on this thread and I understand it's hard to hear it, and I understand you feel you should defend your partner, but if you can't hear us, then maybe have a few sessions on your own with a relationship counsellor. They'll help you to tease out how you feel.
fwiw the fact he has known you for a long time and is trying to change you to be someone more organised, more fitting for the way he lives his life - that is a major red flag. Love isn't about changing someone or moulding them.
Try to think of it, not as 'love' but about caring, respect and friendship. Would you have left a friend to walk home from the train? Would you have been so worried and flustered about missing a friend's calls that you would have left your suitcase? Or, in the reverse, if a friend was late to meet you and hadn't answered some of your calls, would you have driven home or would you have waited at the station for them? There's a real lack of decency and kindness in his actions to you.

I think that him keeping a tally so you are equal is a MAJOR problem.

A 'team' which is what a marriage is, is an organic thing which needs to shift around flexibly so your 'joint lifestyle' which should be 'jointly decided and financed and supported' works well.

Sometimes someone will contribute more financially, more housework, more emotional support and sometimes it will be the other one this is done out of the love and commitment you both feel for each other and to your joint plan.

Marry someone with whom you want to share the difficult times and chores.
Someone who brings out the best in you not the anxiety.

He's not your friend, OP. Think about it. Would you accept this level of shitty behaviour from a mate?

He's really got you where he wants you hasn't he OP?
Your lack of self worth is tangible, look back at the person you were before you got with him and I bet you don't even recognise yourself.

He is a controlling bully, and abuser. It will get worse.

You deserve better, you are worth more than this. He has worn you down. This is not a normal relationship. Normal relationships are mutually supportive, respectful and encouraging.

Run for the hills befor he tramples your self esteem any further into the ground.

This is emotional abuse and and it won't get better, just worse. Don't get married. End the relationship. YOU ARE NOT responsible for his feelings.

From someone who knows.

I've got to go out on a job now (with pretty red eyes after reading all the comments) but thank you all so much for your replies - especially MrDacres for writing such a long and thought out post. I'm going to come back and read them again properly later.

A couple of things have really hit home from the comments about getting married and marriage and saying vows. In all honesty, I don't think these are things I've properly thought out. I think I've got swept away in it all and a wedding is just another adventure that is happening as life is generally really busy and exciting at the moment with my business etc.

Somebody asked how old I am. I'm 27 but in all honesty, I'm probably quite an immature 27. Nowhere near settled and still too chaotic. I think my parents would say, that is the one good thing about my relationship, that maybe he might keep me on track. I don't know. But I think immaturity is probably evident in that I haven't really stopped to think things through properly and I'm allowing myself to get carried along.

I'm really happy that I've posted though. I'll be back later.

It must be pretty hard getting a unanimous set of comments that are telling you the person you love is horrible and that you should leave him.

But I ask that you just take a deep breath and read them all through again. Forget for a moment what he has told you about your shortcomings and your financial responsibilities or even how you think of yourself. If you heard a friend or your mum talking about their lives this way, would you encourage them to get married '? Or would you be upset that someone you love is being made to feel bad and not respected and loved just for being exactly who they are?

It must be very very hard to live with someone that always has you on the backfoot. Someone that is always reminding you how clumsy, how stupid, how forgetful you are. That is not a normal, supportive relationship behaviour. We all have quirks and get frustrated with our partrner's quirks but that doesn't give anyone the right to put someone down constantly or using it as a bargaining tool.

It must be even more hard to know that you have chosen him and chosen moving in with him and pleasing him and spending money on or with him over your own needs and your own financial capabilities at the moment and yet anything you do is not enough. I hate to tell you, but it will never, ever be enough, whatever you do.

It must feel like you are admitting failure if your parents have financially and emotionally supported you and didn't think this was a good idea.

I can promise you that staying because of pride or embarrassment is not a reason to get married. It is giving up your sense of self to someone who doesn't respect you.

As for worrying he will slip back in to depression? There is such a thing as personal responsibility. You cannot be responsible for him and the choices he makes. Depression does not make someone abusive, disrespectful or controlling.

I'm sorry you are feeling stuck but now is time to admit that the dream is not coming true. You cannot change someone. You cannot secure someone. You deserve to be loved and celebrated for you, your own achievements and your sensible financial choices.

Love is not about who spends the most money. It is not about tit for tat. It is about mutually supporting each other and mutual respect.

Please talk to your parents. Please move back home. Please don't keep losing yourself to a man who is just playing you.

"He hasn't had any work to speak of and his redundancy money is dwindling and he is getting cross about it. And he blames me a little bit."

This is another bit I dont like - he took voluntary redundancy, isnt looking for another job, but is more than happy to spend your and your dads money on fancy holidays and weddings.