How to tell him I want to postpone wedding

[FrugalFot]

Hi,
I'm new here and I am looking for advice on how to tell my fiancé that I want to postpone the wedding but doing it in a way that is not going to be 'jilting'.

It's all about money really and I know that shouldn't be a factor if you want to get married but I feel under a lot of pressure.
About a 18 months ago, I went freelance. At the time my parents were really supportive, particularly my dad and he lent me the money to buy my expensive camera equipment and I gave up my rented flat in a city I loved to move back in with them rent free while I got on my feet.

Meanwhile my boyfriend was living and working in another city and he was buying a house. He had much more savings then meas he bought and sold a house with a really good profit and his jobs have been higher paid. I've been paid peanuts to learn my craft so to speak, plus he's 7 years older so more advanced in his career.

He asked me to move in andat first Isaid I couldn't because I wasn't really earning a profit yet. He said he'd put me down in his mortgage application as an additional £400 a month income and he thought that was a reasonableamount to expect from mebut he understood if I couldn't pay that straight away.

And he said that we would probably save £400 a month in traveling back and to and meeting halfway to go out. And he pointed out, I'd be there all the time anyway, which was true as much as my work is in his city.

And he was right, I was, so I agreed as I didn't want to take advantagebut after a couple of months he started to get cross if I couldn't give him the £400 yet.I was still getting money pretty sparodically.And then my dad was getting cross with me if I couldn't pay him any money towards the loan. And I couldn't tell him I was struggling as we had rowed about it when I said I was moving out.

Since then, I've been constantly worried about money and it's wearing me down and I can't sleep or talk to anyone. I've got myself in a mess.

Six months after I moved in, he surprised me for my birthday with a trip to Paris and proposed and I said yes. But the pressure's just mounted. Paris was expensive and I didn't have loads of money to spend as I hadn't been expecting it, so on the last day we had to share a lunch between us and I felt awful.

Because I'd got my engagement ring for my birthday, he hinted he'd like a playstation for his and I just couldn't afford it and he was really disappointed. When I got my first pretty big cheque I wanted to go to IKEA to buy a desk and a chair and it ended in a row that I didn't buy anything for the house.

Anyway, in the last year, things have really picked up for me and I'm doing well, but money-wise I just can't keep up with everything and I still have no clothes and no highlights in my hair.

The wedding is in August and things are getting serious. My BF took voluntary redundancy from his job and got quite a big payoff. I encouraged him to as he had been unhappy and said if worse came to the worse, we could do some work together (both creative fields).

He hasn't had any work to speak of and his redundancy money is dwindling and he is getting cross about it. And he blames me a little bit. He says I persuaded him, but I thought I was just being encouraging and supportive. I get annoued when I go out on a morning job and come back just before lunch and he's still in bed.

My dad has given us £5,000 towards the wedding, which we decided to use on just an amazing trip away as he wanted to get married abroad. The deposit's already been paid. I wanted to be with friends and family so we compromised on a small civil ceremony and party here. But the costs for this are mounting. To try and make up for it, so it's not all about me, and because I've got the nice ring, my BF wanted to get a tailor-made suit which is costing a lot and I went for a really cheap dress but I hate it.

I am an eternal optimist and I always think the money will come in from this big job soon, but it never comes in time and I'm worried.

I feel like it's all a mess, but I feel so responsible, like I got us here and I don't know what to do.

Why on earth would you marry him? He sounds awful.

Another thing that jumps out at me is this: By the time I pulled into the station I was so anxious to get to as phone, I left my suitcase on the train with purse in it!

You're afraid of his moods, which he has already trained you to believe you are responsible for. This isn't healthy.

Ask your parents what they really think of him. They might be able to see if you're changing yourself too much to fit in with him and maybe he's not changing at all?

My friend's parents thought the man she married was really unsuited to her. They didn't say anything, it only came out after he died. My friend was a bit upset that they hadn't said anything before the wedding and may have changed her mind. She only found out quite how unsuited they were, after the marriage.

He sounds awful

Don't marry him. You will regret it.

I know it sounds bad but honestly, that's how bad I get sometimes. I am always forgetting things and getting myself into little disasters and scrapes. And if I am stressed and tired and busy it just makes me worse.

I try and sort myself out but then it happens again. He's known me for a long time and now we're together, he tends to remind me about things and try and help me most of the time but then not surprisingly get's frustrated with me and a bit angry, which I find then makes me worse when I get anxious and lose control. So it sounds bad that I walked home but really forgetting to call, forgetting to charge my phone was another 'typical me' thing.

And its not like he told me to walk home, he thought I'd get a cab but then I realised in my flap I'd left my suitcase on the train with my purse in it and I didn't want to call him to tell him this so walked home. He probably would have come to get me but it would have been too awful .

I hate it when we fall out, because it doesn't just get shouty, afterwards it gets silent and miserable for days. I really hate it, recently when we fell out, I think I had my first panic attack.

I feel very guilty if I were to leave. I know he would be really misewrable

Frugal, regarding the train thing, I've done that lost in my own little world I totally didn't hear my phone buzz (also keep it on silent). My DP just waited for me to get to the train station I'd told him when my train was leaving and he wasn't going anywhere urgently and chose to wait for me.

I could have bussed it home. But you know, he gives a shit about me.

Seriously, at the very least just go to your parents for a bit and think things over clearly and properly.

For what it's worth I met dp after a horrendous marriage to an abusive cunt, he would not bother answering my phone calls to please pick me and our baby and toddler from the train station. He refused to be polite or my family who were always really lovely to him. He wanted me to carry his dead weight financially and buy him expensive gifts etc etc etc.

Last birthday I got DP character socks because finances are currently tied up in more important things. He was thrilled and wore them to work the next day!

Postpone the wedding and get away from this abusive shit.

I'm with SquitMcJit on this one. Cheap ass owes you a birthday present.

He doesn't sound very nice. I understand that when you are moaning about your partner, then he is never going to sound nice. I get that. However, he shouldn't be making you feel guilty when he assured you everything would be ok if you couldn't pay for "a while". It was unacceptable behaviour and he misled you. It is difficult to believe that he isn't prone to this behaviour, saying what he needs to to get his own way, then back tracking when it suits him. That is difficult behaviour to live with and will eventually leave you resenting him.

He sounds selfish and controlling. He has his best interests at heart, not yours. Please value yourself and stop compromising ie. doing whatever he wants to make him happy. You deserve more, you need to do what's right for you and walk away.

The person who loves you and wants to grow old with you doesn't get angry and frustrated with you. You don't fear this person, ever.

That person loves you for who you are and is supportive and loving and it is a two way street.

Weddings are stressful, yes, but the thought of the marriage itself shouldn't be.

Please please listen to all these women and call it off. Your mother is right he's not the man for you.

My husband is very forgetful and often puts his phone on silent, I don't leave him to walk 8 miles. I wait, then say 'did you not have your phone on then' in a slightly cross way, and then hope he doesn't say anything about the times I've lost my phone!

That's me trying to say this is an awful situation and I agree with everyone your inner voice is screaming for you not to get married. The biggest issue you have is that you can't be truthful with him- say I don't have the money for that, I'd love to get you a PlayStation but I can't. You can't discuss things. This is a very bad starting point. You don't have the wedding you want, the life you want, anything. I'm not sure why you think he's a great person!

If someone left me to walk 8 miles, I would throw them out. It is such a basic disregard for your welfare. Even if we are cross or worried, we would never leave each other to be cold, wet, unsafe, it's just a no-no.

Sorry OP, you seem to think you can fix this by being optimistic, but your true feelings of fear and not wanting to do this are shining through. Definitely listen!

There is very little substitute for a gut feeling- don't ignore it. Things won't get better once you're married (have they got better since you got engaged? I don't think so.) Do not tie yourself to this person or start a family with him. You're just not compatible, and he does not sound kind- he sounds a bit controlling tbh! Sell the ring, split the £ (or give it back it you feel that allows you walk away with head high, since he is SO money focused). Move back in with your parents and if your partner isn't in a position to buy you out of your share of the property, then get that house on the market ASAP.

You say you're not excited about the wedding, which says a lot, but you don't even mention whether or not you're excited for the marriage, which says IT ALL.

And he's a sulker, it gets better and better.

Why do you feel guilty and bad about being you? You are forgetful and get stressed by things, you need to find someone who doesn't mind this stuff, not someone who gets angry, sulks and you are too frightened to call to say 'hey, I stuffed up'.

OP do you have a good friend you could go and stay with and talk things through?

OP, you sound so anxious and scared and terrified of letting down the people you love. But it doesn't sound much like your fiancé is so keen not to let you down - he is letting you stress about helping support him despite you being honest from the start that freelancing wouldn't pay off for you financially for some time.
In your mind, this seems like a horrible big huge mess. From the perspective of someone outside your relationship, it sounds like a mess that you can get out of, by biting the bullet and telling your fiancé and parents that you're not happy and then doing what your heart tells you to do.
FWIW, your fiancé sounds similar to my ex-fiancé, and your situation sounds similar to my situation with my ex ..... until he ended up calling off our wedding. Thank all the gods in the heavens he did that. If your relationship is this difficult and you don't feel excited to marry this man, cut your losses. Your parents will step in and help you. It will all be ok in the end. And you will then be free to build your new career, save money + repay your dad, and meet someone who will wait at the train station for you rather than let you trudge home to face his wrath.
(and sorry for the essay)

I never normally comment on this type of thread because we don't know the whole situation and it is a very big deal to tell someone what to do with their relationship...BUT....I am scared for you!!

You are scared of his reaction, he has you convinced that the "typical you" is this ditzy person who is irresponsible, you won't trust your own instincts. I have spent the best part of 2 years helping a friend leave a marriage that started that way...please tell your parents your fears, or a friend. I suspect you might get the same response you have here - and support to leave.

I wish you all the best.

Don't ignore the warning bells going off in your head. He is not a nice person. A nice person does not keep score to make sure he gets what he thinks is his "fair share" at the expense of his partner. He doesn't get so arsy with you that you are afraid of his moods. You walked home 8 miles to avoid his mood. He is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with -seriously.

You are being sensible about money. He can spend it but must understand that you are at different financial and career points.

Speak to him if you want to continue. End it if you dont.

Also - engagement ring for birthday present

I just feel like I make things worse myself by not telling the truth about money and trying to sort it out and then when I realise I'm not going to be able to, it's too late down the line and he then is more frustrated then if I had been honest earlier, so maybe I've sort of made him into the bad guy IYSWIM.

Before, we got together, when we were friends, I really looked up to him and I thought he was just a brilliant person. He was a bit grumpy but I really liked his dry humour and he made me laugh loads. I didn't really think of him romantically though and then he started asking me out loads, we slept together a few times, I told him it wasn't going any further and I felt awful about it at the time as he was going through some awful things in his life.

He continued to pursue and then suddenly, I DID want him. And he always tells me how I make him a happier person and just feel like if I left him, he would go back to being so depressed. And I don't want to do that to my FRIEND.

I feel very guilty if I were to leave. I know he would be really miserable

I promise you, if you do stay you will be far far more miserable than he will be if you don't stay.

He sounds awful.

If you marry this man you're going to end up a shell of your former self.

Do yourself the biggest favour you possibly can and pack your bags and go to your parents. This weekend

He will only continue to grind you down.

I'm not usually one to say this, but he sounds like an utter twat. Having a laugh with someone is not a reason to marry them, especially when they have this many deep-seated personality flaws and are this cruel and selfish.

Don't use the fact that your friends think you 'balance each other out' as a justification for your relationship - I guarantee you they are just being polite.

You shouldn't feel like you are walking on eggshells. You shouldn't feel obligated to do anything out of a misguided sense of 'fairness'. You shouldn't put his needs and wants before yours. You shouldn't be nervous about his reaction when you suggest compromises or solutions. You shouldn't modify your personality or behaviour to suit him. None of what you describe is healthy.

IMO a relationship, and particularly a marriage, should be between two separate, complete and independent people who naturally complement and support each other, who have the skills to compromise and work through differences and who can share the burden of issues such as finances, household management and work. You should feel like a team, and you should enrich each others lives, not make them worse. It just sounds like you don't really like each other that much; you just go through the motions and tolerate each other because you think you should.

Please go and talk to your parents. They sound very supportive - unlike your DF.

I wasted 3 years of my life on someone I had to tiptoe around. Such a waste of time.

he always tells me how I make him a happier person and just feel like if I left him, he would go back to being so depressed

Look up co-dependency, OP.

No, No, No, No, NO! DO NOT MARRY HIM.

Your parents - who know you very well, are concerned that it's a bad match because you are both so different.

Your intuition is telling you to run.

You are dreading rather than looking forward to your wedding.

You have had a panic attack and he makes you nervous and unhappy.

My God woman, WAKE UP. Just because you were friends doesn't mean that you make good partners. And whilst it's all very nice that your friends are thrilled you're together, that means fuck all. It makes it easier for them that you aren't partnering off with someone they don't know.

As for the argument about balancing each other out - that only works when you are both committed to compromising and making each other happy. If you pair up with someone who is your opposite and not prepared to compromise then it's a recipe for disaster - would you say it was a good balance if a lefty liberal teamed up with a dyed in the wool racist?!

He sprung a surprise trip to Paris on you and then was shirty when you didn't have any money. Why? He knows your financial situation. He knows that your income has been sporadic, so why expect you to suddenly be able to pony up 100s of pounds for a trip away you knew nothing about?

He knows that you are a dreamer - he's known this about you for a long time. So why is he know trying to set about changing you? If he truly loves you for you, then why doesn't he accept your personality? Why is he piling on the emotional blackmail and telling you that you need to think of 'us' rather than 'you'. Think about that; the only reason it's an issue is because 'you' don't fit in with what he wants. Why are his needs more important than yours? Balance is not about changing yourself into something you're not - and you shouldn't feel guilty about the core parts of your personality that have always been there.

If you were too scared to ring him and walked 8 miles home instead, then that should really be ringing alarm bells. Likewise someone who is bullying you to walk down the aisle when you have already told him it's the last thing you want to do, is clearly being selfish. On the one day that is designed to be a declaration of your love for each other - yet it's more important that you keep up appearances and it's irrelevant that you don't want to do it? Can you not see the irony of this? He wants you to walk down the aisle towards him to make your marriage vows and he doesn't give a shit that doing this makes you feel unhappy and miserable!

Run, run, run. Seriously, run. Relationships are supposed to make you happy. Sometimes there are some bumps in the road but the sum of the whole is supposed to be good. I married my best friend and it was the best thing I ever did. I was nervous about getting married but I looked forward to my wedding and couldn't wait to say my vows. He's quite level headed and practical, I'm more emotional and quite sensitive. He pushes me to stretch my wings more than I would because he builds my confidence - and is very factual about it. I gentle him and remind him to take a moment to think about the human side of things and how people might feel. But we have much, much more in common and we compromise fairly evenly - that's balance.