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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

378 replies

Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:19

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/02/2017 19:32

I'm still wondering if the poor bloke is actually still alive ok?

ChishandFips33 · 01/02/2017 19:44

No you're right, and I apologise OP if that's the way it has come across Flowers it wasn't meant in a sinister way at all

However, 'emotionally fragile' has been mentioned; he has had some recent news that she is struggling with and it has been alluded to that he is too; and now his long term partner has 'flounced' off (her words)
He's not answering calls etc (understandably) but my concern would be establishing first and foremost that he's ok and then work on reconnecting with the relationship

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 01/02/2017 19:46

Chish - he's not dead! He is he's somehow managing to charge his phone - it's ringing - he isn't answering. I would love to 'work on reconnecting with the relationship' - just he's not speaking to me so I have no clue how to.

OP posts:
ChishandFips33 · 01/02/2017 19:48

That's good to know you know - I was just worried for him, not having a go

I've reported my post

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 01/02/2017 19:51

Chish no need! It wasn't that offensive. Honestly - I get it I'm a bit worried too. His phone's charged though so he's OK I think.

OP posts:
ChishandFips33 · 01/02/2017 19:55

Didn't think of the phone still being charged as an indicator - good thinking!!

I hope it works out for you both - I think a knock on the door and a deep breath on Friday is you're only move

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 01/02/2017 19:56

Thank Chish x

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 01/02/2017 22:00

Didn't think of the phone still being charged as an indicator - good thinking!!

Well then he's either fine or the phone is plugged into a charger.

Caken · 03/02/2017 09:57

Best of luck today, I hope it all works out well and you can talk things out properly together Flowers

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 03/02/2017 15:30

Thanks Caken.

OP posts:
Suzytwoshoes · 03/02/2017 19:11

Have you been round OP?

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 03/02/2017 19:49

Yes and I am utterly mortified and heartbroken. Emailed him earlier today to ask if I could call round. No reply. Went anyway and his car is parked right down the road not on his drive. I can only assume he wants to look like he's out to avoid me.

I will get over this but right now I am crushed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 03/02/2017 19:54

I have been in love, in LTRs twice in my life. Once with my ex husband, we were together from age 17. We're good friends now, we just married too young. Second time to my partner of eight years who has totally cut me off after a stupid thing I said which I will now regret for the rest of my life or so it feels.

OP posts:
ShockedWithKnobsOn · 03/02/2017 20:02

I'm sorry OP, he should have faced you.

Phoebefromfriends · 03/02/2017 20:10

OP you've taken quite a battering on this thread and whilst I haven't read all of it I do think that if your relationship was strong this wouldn't have happened. He's now ghosting you over a fairly minor argument, which is cowardly and I suspect he may have been waiting for an opportunity to break up. I get he's probably trying to work out what the future holds in terms of his health diagnosis but to not respond for this long is unforgivable. He owns you a conversation at the very least. All couples argue but I suspect you've been sitting on a lot of issues for a long time and this was the straw that broke the camels back.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 03/02/2017 20:13

Oh great, cheers. I didn't know we had problems. Sorry I think I will have to hide this, I can't take that kind of comment at the moment. I am totally broken.

OP posts:
Lordamighty · 03/02/2017 20:14

Stop punishing yourself OP, you have tried to communicate he is refusing to engage. He is being childish & ridiculous. Many couples have arguments, we all say things in the heat of the moment that we regret. He is the one who is throwing away an 8 year relationship not you. You have tried your best to repair the damage, leave him to his moody sulk & get on with your life.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 03/02/2017 20:15

Sorry Phoebe of course you're probably right. I appreciate your comment. It's just I thought we were OK. Obviously not though as you say. Him being a total coward is hopefully going to help as I attempt to get over this.

OP posts:
getmeoutofhererightnow · 03/02/2017 20:28

I would totally stop trying now he's not going to feel the effects of you not being in his life / miss you if you're still trying to contact him he still has that comfort blanket. I'd go off the radar totally now, let him know what life without you is really like Flowers

Talkingmouse · 03/02/2017 20:39

So what happened when you knocked on the door?

Phoebefromfriends · 03/02/2017 20:40

Apologies if that came across harsh OP that wasn't my intention. I was trying obviously very badly to say you can't take this whole break up on your shoulders. He's had ample opportunity to speak to you and he hasn't taken it, he is now choosing to ghost you and I know how torturous that can be for your mental health. I really hope you find some resolution OP and apologies again.

Caken · 03/02/2017 20:42

Oh no :(. I really hoped you be able to talk and see where things are at today. I realise he has issues at the moment but he's not being fair now, you're being punished for essentially something that wasn't that big of a deal.

Is there any way he had someone like a plumber over today so let them use the drive but he then ended up having to park further away? Sorry, clutching at straws for you.

Take heart in that you've done what you can to try and get some dialogue going; you recognised you were in the wrong initially and you've done all that can reasonably be expected to try and get things sorted. You're not the one in the wrong now though, he's treated you very unfairly Flowers

JennyHolzersGhost · 03/02/2017 20:43

He's not being a coward. He has just decided not to invest any more emotional energy into you. I'm sorry OP but it does sound as though he is dealing with life-changing news about his health and he has chosen to cut you off because you aren't helping in that regard.
Sorry if they sounds harsh.
I think the best thing you can do is wish him well and let him know he's cared for, and then leave him alone.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 03/02/2017 20:44

So man with serious health bomb news does nothing wrong, partner goes off on one and storms out, partner ignores him for 4 days then bombards him...and when he doesn't want to see her, he's a coward??

FFS. Isn't it far more likely that he is exhausted, frightened, and simply hiding because he cannot cope with this dramatic over-reaction on top of everything else he's struggling to deal with right now? And that after making it very clear he didn't want to talk, the last thing he needed was to have the OP doorstep him?

It may be over, it may not, but slagging him off is cheap as fuck. He doesn't owe anyone a discussion, he has enough to handle.

JennyHolzersGhost · 03/02/2017 20:44

*that not they