I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

[Ilovetorrentialrain]

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

I'd be knocking on his door and apologising for behaving so awfully.

Hermione I totally agree and implied that in my msg, my bad if it wasn't clear

I don't think that you should just turn up.

Why should it all be your way?

If he wants to see you he can let you know.

InTheMood sorry but what on earth are you talking about? I didn't say the appointment was on Friday! Even if it was, I'm back on Friday. So in any case your post makes no sense at all.

I appreciate the helpful comments of all kinds.

He doesn't know I'm away for work. As I have said, a painful number of times now, he's not speaking to me. We have not communicated.

OK this has been asked already but I can't see it's been answered.

From your descriptions he sounds emotionally fragile, while the likelihood is that he's sulking or had enough I think you should also be checking with friends or family or work that he's actually OK, physically.

He is emotionally fragile, and doesn't really talk 'feelings' and not unheard of for him to withdraw like this. It's happened three times over the time I've known him.

He doesn't have any friends other than work colleagues. He has a brother he's close too but they go months without seeing each other. I think it would be a huge betrayal if I contacted his brother.

If my DP stormed out and didn't speak to me for four days I'd consider that I'd had a lucky escape. And if he came crawling back after four days I'd tell him he'd missed his chance and to never darken my door again.

TBH I disagree with those who say grovel and send cards and apologies etc etc. It's over because you couldn't keep your temper in check and over-reacted to the point you fucked up your relationship.

Take some time now to work on yourself and to ensure you never act like that again before embarking on any more relationships.

You've been together 8 years, but don't think it's ok to turn up at his house to sort things out? Why on earth not?

And to ignore him for 4 days after he's said sorry, but now expect him to answer your calls and messages?

WannaBe seriously, after 8 fab years? Would you really? That's so harsh. Your last line is uncalled for. You're not my mother!

I suspect this isn't the first time though. Maybe not to this extent, but you don't go from having a fantastic relationship to storming out and cutting contact for four days out of nowhere.

I suspect you have a volatile temper and are prone to react first and think after, and that this has just been the last straw for him.

It my not be unheard of him to withdraw but he's emotionally fragile with no friends, irregular contact with family and you left him believing that it was all over for 4 days and you think it would be a betrayal for you to give his brother a heads up that he might need a bit of support??

Don't tell his brother about his illness that's a shocking suggestion and I agree with you op that's a huge betrayal. It's his diagnosis and his decision if and when he reveals it to his family, in something so serious you simply cannot make that decision and do that for him. No way no how. I can't actually believe anyone is suggesting it and can only think the motivation is to ensure your relationship never recovers.

It's something I would never ever forgive and is a much bigger sin than storming out and being a twat.

She doesn't need to tell the brother about his illness, just that they've had a big falling out, her fault, although he's probably fine as he's not returning her calls she wants to check he's safe.

WannaBe you're just making stuff up now. I don't have a volatile temper.

Thanks once again to all who've taken the time to reply to me. Loads to think about, really appreciated.

In fairness there is a difference between having a volatile temper and an impetuous nature occasionally.

And like I said, we've all acted like an impetuous twat at times. The op has driven me slightly crazy on this thread but I think you're being very harsh.

In the real world, one silly fuck up in an 8 year relationship isn't usually a deal breaker. (Obvious exceptions like violence aside which are much more than a fuck up but I hope ykwim)

Thanks Bit - sorry I've driven you crazy - why?

I don't post much so I wonder if I have an odd posting style - if so please excuse! I'm grateful to have 'talked' - not done so 'IRL' and it's very difficult.

I would use this time to think whether you can really cope with what his illness will bring in the coming years.

He may well being thinking best to cut his loses now rather having you walk out when the going is really tough a few years down the line.
Can you cope with whats coming ifvhe does agree to carry on??????

The thing is, op, I don't think you have a leg to stand on. I don't think you're in a position to rile at exasperated posters who are telling it like it is.

It was a horrible, horrible thing to do to ignore him for 4 days. When he has had a serious health dx, and he also immediately apologised. You left him out to dry. That was HORRIBLE.

You also say he doesn't know you're away - how about telling him? It is bizarre you are acting like you are in a brand new relationship - when you are in a long -established relationship with someone who has had a serious health dx. You may be struggling to cope, underneath, with the implications of his dx - but guess what, he's struggling much more.

This isn't all about you is the bottom line. How can you make this about you at such an awful time for him?

Yes I can Marbles. That's not the issue here but thanks.

OK everyone is just putting the boot in now. I've had lots of great opinions, both what I 'wanted to hear' and some very hard reading but fair and valid.

Those just jumping on to rehash and have a go are getting too much.

Thanks so much to all the helpful posters. I've never posted in relationships before. It's been really useful.

I think you have been very indecisive and exasperating op. Not to mention the gloss you put on your behaviour in the op was a little disingenuous. But as I've said twice now, we've all been impetuous idiots at some point or another.

That said, I think some people have been very harsh. And, in some cases, like they are enjoying being so. But that's MN for you. It can be tough medicine.

...in addition to a couple of other posters