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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

378 replies

Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:19

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

OP posts:
wherearemymarbles · 03/02/2017 21:10

Its always possible he doesnt want to drag you down with him as it were and has used this as an excuse to set you free (in his mind of course)

My only suggestion would be to say in an email what you said here, that he is only the 2nd man youve loved, you still do and that its now up him if he wants go see you again.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 03/02/2017 21:34

Thanks phoebe. It's cruel but as others have suggested, he isn't obliged to speak to me. I'll stop texting and calling him. I actuLly believe he is OK physically so I don't need to worry there. He simply doesn't want to speak to me. Not even to say it's over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 03/02/2017 21:37

I really can't send any more texts or emails. I've said everything at least twice. That I love him. That I'm here when he feels ready to speak, that I am exceptionally sorry. That I handled it badly. I've tried to see him in person. Literally nothing more left to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 03/02/2017 21:41

As hard as it is to hear MrsDesiree I think you're probably the most likely to be right. That sounds entirely feasible. All of it. He's withdrawn like this before. Once a few years ago he said goodbye one morning then didn't speak to me for two weeks. A family member of his was due to have a very serious operation and he just shut down until it was over safely. He didn't mention one word of how he was feeling to me.

OP posts:
wherearemymarbles · 03/02/2017 21:42

Ok fair enough.

Onwards and upwards as they say. At least you know you couldnt have done anymore.

CaspoFungin · 03/02/2017 21:45

Well if he's ignored you before for two weeks I can see why you ignored him for 4 days. He clearly didnt like a taste of his own medicine and is now punishing you. I think it's cruel to just completely ignore you, I think you'll hear from him in a couple of weeks. How did you cope when he ignored you last time, did you think it was over then?

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 03/02/2017 21:46

I'm really sorry OP Flowers

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 03/02/2017 21:48

Caspi yes and I tortured myself desperately trying to guess what had happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 03/02/2017 21:48

Caspo sorry.

OP posts:
fallenempires · 03/02/2017 22:33

Have RTTHD OP and unless there is indeed a back story,then nobody would throw away a long term & serious relationship like this,or would they?

joystir59 · 03/02/2017 23:10

GO AND SEE HIM!!!!

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 03/02/2017 23:11

RTTHD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 03/02/2017 23:23

Joystir are you actually joking?

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 04/02/2017 08:08

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

On the contrary - you both sound extremely young/childish.

Phoebefromfriends · 04/02/2017 08:25

Deathraystare that's a bit much, the OP is clearly heartbroken that's not particularly constructive. 8 years is a long time to be together and it's ended by being ghosted which is torturous so I think she's feeling bad enough.

Footle · 04/02/2017 09:27

If he's gone silent before, isn't it likely that he'll be back in a week or two? I think you must understand each other pretty well by now and it will work out all right.

Patchouli666 · 04/02/2017 10:06

Im determined if nothing else. What I'd do is make him talk to me. Id go and sit on his doorstep/ in the porch. Take a picnic, flask of tea to make the sitiatuon w bit comedic and lightheartednand sit it out. Seriously, you need a definite answer. Yes or no. Youve not been together a few weeks. Its been years. Wrongs have been done it that time surely but so have a lot of rights. You need to know what and why and how so you can move on or make up. He owes you at least that.

FlyMeToTheSpoon · 04/02/2017 10:11

I think you've taken a really unfair kicking on this thread OP. You had a flounce (not great behaviour admittedly) but his ignoring is just cruel. Surely he must see the desperation in your texts, emails and calls, but he's letting you suffer.

I appreciate he had a diagnosis, and he may be withdrawing for that reason too, but part of being an adult is dealing with things you don't want to deal with. In this case, his relationship with you.

Hope you're OK OP. Would you even want him back after he's frozen you out so thoroughly?

Dowser · 04/02/2017 11:19

Haven't read the full thread
So, op on the day you went to see him and spotted his car down the street, did you actually knock on his door?

Or did you assume just from where his car was parked he was trying to give you the impression he was out?
Sorry, I am confused.

Me, being me I would still have had to knock.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 11:23

Footle I hope so. I'm not sure what to do in the meanwhile. It's hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 11:25

Dowser I knocked. House in darkness, no answer.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 04/02/2017 11:28

I think you need to leave it completely now, OP.

He knows how to contact you, if he wants to.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 11:35

Yes I do. I've also realised just now that if he can't face speaking to me to the extent he's pretending to be out, then he's probably blocked me so won't have read texts or know I've called anyway.

I miss him so badly.

Thanks everyone, well maybe not Deathray, for all comments from all angles.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 04/02/2017 11:51

It's awful, and I really feel for you.

What you did/said was unfortunate, but would be barely a blip in most strong relationships. Don't beat yourself up.

Either he was already looking for a way out and you handed him one on a platter, and/or he is not mature enough to handle conflict like an adult.

You've done all you can.

RaeofSun · 04/02/2017 12:03

OP does he normally park on his drive if you say his car was deliberately down the street? Just a thought but could he have gone to stay with family or a friend and he moved his car so they could park near his house to load his stuff?

Just seems a leap of unknown and theorising to say he deliberately wanted to avoid you. That said, he could have responded to your messages even to say he needs time to think. Sounds as if he has fully retreated and hiding for all the reasons he knows but you don't fully. Shame he feels this way after 8 years together. I really feel for you. But this treatment after 8 years and just one 'flounce' sounds extreme and perhaps he had been planning a way out?