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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

378 replies

Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:19

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 01/02/2017 07:05

Don't wait til Friday.

What are you doing....why you not taking advice on board?

EmeraldScorn · 01/02/2017 07:05

Leave Him Alone - Let him sulk and then when he's done licking his wounds, he will be in touch with you.

Chasing is not an attractive behaviour, neither is begging or bombarding someone with texts/calls and most definitely do not "send a card" or anything crazy like that.

If he loves you he will contact you when he has calmed down!

ShatnersWig · 01/02/2017 07:19

Absolutely bizarre behaviour OP. How anyone in an 8-year relationship feels it would be stalkerish to simply go round to try and save things when they had seriously messed it up is beyond me. And when people on a forum express that, and even though you say that's what you've wanted to do, you say you'll do it Friday???

If this is genuine, I think he's probably better off without you and your tantrums and days of ignoring him. He's got life changing illness to deal with and a child or children. He doesn't need another child like you.

TheNaze73 · 01/02/2017 07:32

I think all you can do, is give him time. He must be so pissed off to react like that. Don't go rushing in

BitOutOfPractice · 01/02/2017 07:35

10 days isn't rushing in is it? It's been a week since op decided to stop ignoring him.

LouisevilleLlama · 01/02/2017 07:38

Gotta say OP coming back to this thread, for being with someone for 8 years it doesn't seem that far along after 8 years I'd imagine just turning up to each others houses would be somewhat regular?

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 01/02/2017 07:50

For all those saying Friday, I'm at the other end of the country with work at the moment, I'm home Friday.

OP posts:
KateDaniels2 · 01/02/2017 07:50

I have to say if i had recently got a devestating diagnosis and dp kicked off because he forgot something i told weeks ago, because i didnt remind him the night before, and then he stormed out and ignored me for days ect....i am afraid i would seriously planning to end it.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 01/02/2017 07:52

I'm not 'cool and guarded' I physically can't go until Friday.

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 01/02/2017 08:04

How I see it is that you cocked up, OP and its up to you to make amends. Of course you should go round! I understand you're away at the moment, but when you get back, that should be your first port of call. I wouldn't want to sort things out via text or calls - its got to be done face to face. I'm sorry, but it sounds as though he's had enough and I don't blame him. When one partner is determinedly not trying, the other partner feels their effort is wasted and starts to move on. Good luck, however it pans out.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 01/02/2017 08:10

Thanks Little.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 01/02/2017 08:27

Poor bloke.

I'm afraid if DP stormed off after a row and ignored me for four days I would be ending the relationship, whether we'd been together 8 weeks, 8 months or 8 years. That's an awful way to behave.

I think if he hasn't been in touch by now he's probably not intending to get in touch. I don't think he's sulking or punishing you - you walked out, said you weren't coming back and left your key. I'm afraid he probably feels it's over and doesn't want to speak to you anymore. I don't blame him OP, sorry.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 01/02/2017 08:31

Thanks Hermione, you may be right. I'm glad I'm not free until Friday, more thinking time. If he is feeling as you describe me turning up is the last thing he'll want. It just seems such a waste of 8 years.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/02/2017 08:33

To be honest it doesn't sound like you treat him very well. You say you were embarrassed because you needed to get your stuff and leave, then you say that was your choice, you didn't need to leave as he was. You also expected to spend the weekend with him but clearly didn't communicate that with him. And to go storming off, have him apologise twice and then ignore him for four days, and then get all devastated because he doesn't respond when you decide to get back in touch isn't very pleasant.

It does sound like you bully him a bit.😞

HermioneJeanGranger · 01/02/2017 08:39

I don't understand why you ignored his apology for so long - I think that was probably the clincher for him.

He told you in advance and you forgot. You got upset, told him you weren't coming back and flounced off and he apologised again for upsetting you, and you ignored him!

He was probably wondering what the hell happened. And by the time you did get in touch, he decided he couldn't be bothered.

Ladyformation · 01/02/2017 09:18

Like PPs I'm completely confused by this relationship dynamic but if you love him, here's what I would do:

Massive romantic gesture. Think Richard Gere with the white horse in Pretty Woman. Think Ewan Macgregor with the field of flowers in Big Fish. You love him, and you've been a twat, and he is rightfully pissed off and very sad and from the sounds of it scared about his health. I would show up at his door in fabulous lingerie with stupidly expensive wine and a list of 500 reasons why he's the best man in the world. Your version can look like whatever. But now is the time to put your heart on the line.

I would strongly not recommend this if he'd actually broken up with you as it would be madly stalkerish. But what I sense he's done is entirely retreated into his shell wondering what the hell went wrong, and if you want him you need to go pull him out.

Emmageddon · 01/02/2017 09:40

Send him a letter box cake from Cake Nest saying sorry - quirkier than flowers, and he'll get it before Friday. You could even write see you Friday on the accompanying card. After 8 years this relationship has to be salvageable! Particularly in light of his recent diagnosis. Send cake, then go round and, put your arms round him.

springydaffs · 01/02/2017 09:45

...and tell him you are SORRY you have put him through hell

And you WON'T do it again.

Eat the entire humble pie. And mean it from the bottom of your heart.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/02/2017 10:06

Look OP, we've all acted like impetuous twats at times. I once stormed out after a drunken argument about Lemmy FFS Grin though in fairness to me I wasn't gone long and I apologised sincerely even though I was right about Lemmy

It's how you handle it afterwards and what you take from it to learn from

Imknackeredzzz · 01/02/2017 10:17

OP again has anyone heard from him?! What if he's collapsed or not physically ok?!

JennyHolzersGhost · 01/02/2017 10:45

TBH to go against the grain, if I was him I'd be thinking 'I don't need this shit right now' - the texts, calls, a visit, a grand gesture, all the drama. I'd be thinking about my diagnosis and my kids and I'd have tuned out to the emotional overload of your behaviour I'm afraid.

LineysRun · 01/02/2017 10:45

It's how you handle it afterwards and what you take from it to learn from

Got to agree with BitOutOfPractice.

InTheMoodForLove · 01/02/2017 11:31

OP For all those saying Friday, I'm at the other end of the country with work at the moment, I'm home Friday

I thought you said that you were meant to be with him on friday for his important appointment ??

Does that mean that even with no argument you really couldn't be there anyway ?

I agree that card delivery, if that has never been part of your way of communicating doesn't really make any sense.

Not even texting at this point as he is obviously dealing with his own stuff and feels you are adding to his stress (my guess)

Does he know we are "away with work" till friday?

Sorry OP is not to doubt your words but 8 years relationship cannot collapse on a single tantrum. Of course if there are health concern it fair that a person may reconsider their life as a whole, what type of people one wants around, what is important in view of the months and years ahead, more so than plodding along. So it is possible that your timing to be selfish and childish made it think he really onset need that (you)

What a shame, hu

HermioneJeanGranger · 01/02/2017 12:41

Of course it can collapse over this, I don't know why people are insisting otherwise.

This isn't just a row - she was in the wrong, stormed out and ignored him for four days. If a woman cane in here and said her partner had done the same, everyone would be condemning him!

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/02/2017 13:26

I think his 'sorry' text an hour after OP's storming off meant 'I'm sorry it 's over', not 'I'm sorry for what I did'.

Forgive me if I'm stating the obvious.

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