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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's happened - I've seen proof he's cheating

118 replies

Strawberries5 · 28/01/2017 07:52

After being gaslighted by DP for several weeks, I have now found messages exchanged between him and another woman.

Before seeing the messages I was beginning to feel very guilty for my suspicions as he insisted I was being paranoid and it was breaking us apart, and I should trust him. One argument lasted over his mothers birthday during a family get together which I felt terrible about afterwards when he'd (almost) convinced me I was wrong.

I feel so sick, betrayed, hurt, let down and so much more. We had a happy relationship and rarely had any major dissagreements except over my suspicions.

In the messages he was asking the woman when she was free to meet up. There were lots of kisses and flirting and he told her he had been single for several months and was looking for something casual with the possibility for more.

Sorry for such a long post but I can't bring myself to tell family or friends yet.

I sent him a message telling him I knew everything and then couldn't bare to read his response or reply for several hours and when I checked I had multiple messages from him which were very long (he is usually a very brief/blunt texter). I still haven't told him the extent of what I know because the thought of discussing it with him has me on the verge of a panic attack. So although I can tell he is scared he is also sticking to his guns that he hasn't done anything and has sent messages which are quite aggressive and spiteful. Like he is furious with me for finding out.

I am also pregnant which is why I'm trying to think carefully before I speak and act. Partly to try and minimise stress (Ha!) and partly so I know what the hell I am going to do.

Sorry for such a long post. Any support or advice appreciated!

OP posts:

Shayelle · 28/01/2017 07:54

Im so sorry love, you poor thing. At least you know the truth now. What a bastard

Shockers · 28/01/2017 07:57

What an absolute shit. I think you're handling it in the best way possible by not reacting. Keep your dignity intact.
It doesn't sound like you live together, is that right?

SmileEachDay · 28/01/2017 07:58

Do you live together OP?

Where is he now?

You don't have to decide anything straight away. You don't have to discuss it until you are ready.

carabos · 28/01/2017 08:01

You need to keep away from him to minimise the stress to yourself and the baby. If this is a deal breaker for you, and you don't live together, then a decent period of no contact will be a good approach. Each day that goes by without contact it gets easier until you get to a place where you can have a less emotional conversation about the practicalities. You need to have an argument or listen to his lies if you don't want to.

cocoface · 28/01/2017 08:02

Can u go somewhere for a few days even just to get your thoughts straight?,

flamingnoravera · 28/01/2017 08:06

You poor love. It feels like being hit by an express train. His behaviour is already following the cheater's pattern, he is covering up his actions by being angry and blaming you.

You will find support here, keep posting and we will respond. It's particularly hurtful that he does this when you are pregnant and vulnerable. You can and will recover from this, but unfortunately it takes time and you may need to prepare for more revelations and hurt.

Original poster

Strawberries5 · 28/01/2017 08:09

Shayelle- thank you!

Shockers - yes to be honest I think I might be in shock. When I first saw the messages I was having heart palpitations shaking etc. And have been going Inbetween feeling numb and extreme anxiety. It's such a head fuck.

We aren't living together, but he was at mine most days and we are were planning to get a bigger flat (currently in a studio).

There's no way I can afford a two bed on my income/maternity pay.

He is currently at his flat, he has a room in a flatshare. But I don't know if I believe he is there. I can't believe anything he tells me anymore.

OP posts:

cariboo · 28/01/2017 08:11

Oh Strawberry! How terrible! I'm sure you'll get lots of LTBs on here but my advice is to try to be calm. As impossible as that may seem right now. Communicating via text is not the way to go; you need to talk. But not now. Can you get away for a few days? Stay with family, friends, anyone supportive and sympathetic? Just say you've had an argument or need a bit of a break, without needing to get others involved. Or a hotel, B&B...

It would be good for you to get away. Otherwise, things will be said in anger - and rightly so for you! - and decisions will be made impulsively. All the angry words and upset that this nastiness will bring in a torrent is very bad for your health and that of your unborn baby. You need peace and calm right now, time to think, gather your strength, weigh your options...

I'm so sorry.

namechange102 · 28/01/2017 08:11

if you don't get the truth now, you'll never be able to trust him in the future. Saying he's single and looking for something with someone else definitely points to someone who's not worth trusting sorry, OP.

LexieLulu · 28/01/2017 08:13

You should definitely end things, if anything he's lied to you again and again - and made you feel awful.

Ending the relationship might shock him to change. Or it might give him the green light to do whatever he was planning to do while with you.

You won't know unless you stand up for yourself

Original poster

Strawberries5 · 28/01/2017 08:14

To be honest I am so grateful he isn't officially living at mine. He has keys so I'm hoping he doesn't just turn up. We wanted to move before baby arrives and have been to viewings etc.

I'm dreading facing this pregnancy alone.

OP posts:

cariboo · 28/01/2017 08:15

Good. Change the lock. Go silent. Let him stew while you weigh your options.

SmileEachDay · 28/01/2017 08:17

Don't get ahead of yourself. Deal with today. What are you doing? Are you seeing anyone? Is there anyone you trust to tell? X

Original poster

Strawberries5 · 28/01/2017 08:19

I'm overwhelmed by all the lovely responses, thank you so much ladies

I do have friends/family I can stay with for a few nights but I wouldn't be able to hide how miserable I am and I'm worried about all the questions. I might just keep it brief and leave out any details.

And I've just thought that if he has been cheating he could have caught/given me anything - I haven't been checked since we first got together. So that's something to put on my to do list.

How could he be capable of this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Strawberries5 · 28/01/2017 08:20

I do have a couple of very close friends and I have a very good relationship with my mother.

To be honest, I feel really ashamed of it all. I feel like I should hide it. And I'm angry that I feel that way over his horrible actions.

OP posts:

BIWI · 28/01/2017 08:21

Does he know that you're pregnant? If he does, then this confirms absolutely that he isn't worth being with any more. (Not that his actions would suggest that he is either!)

Pack anything he has at your place, deliver it to him (or to his mother if that's easier), and then change your locks.

Chloe84 · 28/01/2017 08:21

I wouldn't want to talk to someone aggressive and spiteful. And a liar!

It's good you haven't moved in. Don't tie yourself to this man in any way.

SmileEachDay · 28/01/2017 08:22

Two close friends and your mum, that's great. Which one do you feel most comfortable telling?

You don't need to feel ashamed. He does. But he probably won't.

Original poster

Strawberries5 · 28/01/2017 08:24

Just as a sample of the kind of things he's said:

'You're over reacting because you're pregnant. It isn't an excuse and you need to control yourself.'

Which I ignored and was followed by 'if you aren't going to be honest we have nothing more to speak about'

Which I also ignored and was followed by 'fine if that's what you want'

He is very dismissive and cold yet continues to try and initiate contact and talk?

I think he wants me to feel like I'm in the wrong? I don't even know anymore. I'm so sick of trying to work out the meaning behind it now. I'm so sick of playing detective.

OP posts:

Chloe84 · 28/01/2017 08:24

Strawberries don't hide it please. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. When I was in counselling after a bad break up, one thing I was always encouraged to do was to use my support network and confide in family/friends, as like you, my inclination was to hide it all. Hiding it doesn't help you to move on.

Chloe84 · 28/01/2017 08:26

'if you aren't going to be honest we have nothing more to speak about'

Oh please! The hypocrisy!

BIWI · 28/01/2017 08:26

Wow! And you feel ashamed?! You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. What a nasty man he is.

You're escaping from a horrible man, who would only go on and abuse you even more than he already is.

Please, please tell your friends and family - you need support from them right now.

Don't try and work out what the meaning of all that it. It's simple. He's a horrible man.

SmileEachDay · 28/01/2017 08:27

For the moment, continue ignoring him.

You need to talk to one of your RL supports. You and your baby don't have to deal with this alone. How pregnant are you?

Original poster

Strawberries5 · 28/01/2017 08:28

Yes he knows I am pregnant. I am also past 12 weeks so in the safer zone.

And my baby has an asshole for a father.

I feel more comfortable telling my mum I think. Oh god it's just so shameful. We've had a home cooked dinner with her countless times and now I have to tell her what he is really like. I feel so ashamed for being with someone like this

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2017 08:28

What a pig. I'm sorry you're going through this. Do you know why you don't want to tell your family? Is it just too raw? I really think you'd benefit from some rl support. And definitely getting the keys back or changing the locks would be a good move -but you'd have to get permission from the landlord. This will get easier even if right now your head is spinning.

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