It's happened - I've seen proof he's cheating

[Strawberries5]

After being gaslighted by DP for several weeks, I have now found messages exchanged between him and another woman.

Before seeing the messages I was beginning to feel very guilty for my suspicions as he insisted I was being paranoid and it was breaking us apart, and I should trust him. One argument lasted over his mothers birthday during a family get together which I felt terrible about afterwards when he'd (almost) convinced me I was wrong.

I feel so sick, betrayed, hurt, let down and so much more. We had a happy relationship and rarely had any major dissagreements except over my suspicions.

In the messages he was asking the woman when she was free to meet up. There were lots of kisses and flirting and he told her he had been single for several months and was looking for something casual with the possibility for more.

Sorry for such a long post but I can't bring myself to tell family or friends yet.

I sent him a message telling him I knew everything and then couldn't bare to read his response or reply for several hours and when I checked I had multiple messages from him which were very long (he is usually a very brief/blunt texter). I still haven't told him the extent of what I know because the thought of discussing it with him has me on the verge of a panic attack. So although I can tell he is scared he is also sticking to his guns that he hasn't done anything and has sent messages which are quite aggressive and spiteful. Like he is furious with me for finding out.

I am also pregnant which is why I'm trying to think carefully before I speak and act. Partly to try and minimise stress (Ha!) and partly so I know what the hell I am going to do.

Sorry for such a long post. Any support or advice appreciated!

I took aback a cheater because I was pregnant and had all sorts of stupid feelings of guilt about the baby not having a dad, and my not being able to cope alone. Huge mistake. He has never cheated again but I don't like him or trust him. I wish I'd left. Now it's so messy, it's much harder, and I regret not walking away when it was a straight forward adultery divorce. Babies are much easier when you aren't also stressing about a less than perfect partner. Walk away now, simplify your life. It is the easier option and you will have a happier life.

He's turning everything on you! It's shocking!

I'm so terribly sorry you're going through this ... don't answer him and try to get to your mum's or a friends as soon as ..... leave him to fester and if he has any sense he will come clean/try to make things right instead of making out it's all you. When you get where you're going, just text and say "I know so stop lying - if you want this to work you need to come clean and stop pushing the blame on me" - leave it like that and wait for some truth ... I presume you have the OW's number as proof if needed - try to keep calm, know it's so hard especially with pregnancy hormones raging

Did you take photos of his texts? if so, you need not justify yourself. If not, he will have just done the clean up on his phone & say you are: nuts/mental/unfit to be a mother/paranoid/hormonal/looking for a fight.....

You know the truth, he has been gas lighting you for long you can't believe it isn't working.

When he realises the above hasn't worked, he will be remorseful/cry/bring flowers/promises/holiday/..... This is emotional abuse, it is part of the EA cycle, it works in most cases.
You forgive, there is a brief honeymoon period, then he will go back to lying, cheating & head fucking.

Meanwhile you are self doubting, constantly looking for signs & miserable & you lose your power as your self esteem goes down the pan, & financially you a screwed as you have a baby & can't afford to leave.

Please just change the lock. get a rdv at the CAB re financial aid, make sure any joint cloud/whatsapp/fb settings/other/ are disactivated. Change all your passwords, Any money in joint account ? if so, move half of it & put in a new account

& finally, Please do not listen to him or anyone suggesting you can work this out. It is a million times better to deal with it now, than live with this excuse of a man for years to come in misery. both for you & you child.

so sorry hun.tell someone you love.we can all be here but you need actual hugs now too and someone to help you breathe properply.someone to be there and be by your side,is there someone you trust?
also might be easier to have someone actually thre when it comes to the meet.
try to think of your baby and you,keep as calm as possible.
this has happened.you are NOT to blame. but it hs happened now you must concentrate on you and keeping nyou and baby safe and happy now and for beyond todays shcok.
it can be ok.it will be.

OP, please get the locks changed today. If you contact Womens Aid they may be able to help with that.

Thank goodness you've found out now. What an utter cock, and nasty with it.

I hope you took screenshots so you don't start to question what you saw with your own eyes as he continues to try and gaslight you.

He is not a good person. This is an abusive person. He is cheating on you and lying about it while you are pregnant with his child. He is pressuring you to believe it's all in your head and on account of your hormones.

Are you sure you want to bring a baby into the world with this man? He will always be in your life at some level if you do. You need to grow strong if you're going to go through with the pregnancy and raise a child with him in and out of the child's life spewing vileness, lies and hatred about you when it suits him.

Thank you all for the support and advice.

Backt0Black - thinking of it that way, if my baby is a girl I would never in a million years want her with someone who is capable of acting like this. That comparison has really helped. It's been tricky for me to look outside the box like that up until now. Thank you.

Honestly, I've felt really uneasy for a few weeks now but every time I expressed my worries to him, it's led to me being guilt tripped - he has the 'how could you ever think I'd do that to you?' and 'Why are you turning on me for no reason' act perfected. If not the guilt trip, its been his anger at being suspected of any wrongdoing, and complete denial. He's swinging between the two at the moment.

Every time I have replied to him over the last couple of days, I've felt much worse once we are speaking because each message he sends is either a lie or a clear attempt to manipulate me. Then when it doesn't work he blames me, and acts like he doesn't care either way because he's completely innocent.

The 'I don't care because I haven't done anything' has grown stronger over the last couple of days, I think because I haven't told him the extent of what I saw beyond that I have seen evidence and I know he has done it. I think he's trying to work out how much I know and respond based on that.

I saw messages and there is no excuse/reason/room for misinterpretation - the intent was clear, and he had every intention to meet up with this woman in the near future. Some of the messages were quite explicit

And I found the messages through snooping - which I've never done before and I felt ashamed but like I had to know if my suspicions were right or not, because the signs were adding up. And lo and behold, there it was.

He has also been really attached to his phone recently. A couple of weeks ago in bed, I was lying on my side and he was on his phone next to me. I rolled over towards him and he turned his phone at a 90 degree angle away from me then quickly locked the screen and put the phone down. I didn't say anything about it but it was just so obvious. Part of me wanted to believe his bullshit but I was constantly thinking about it and constantly anxious.

I'm so sorry op but please just end it and don't let him ruin your pregnancy and having a new baby.

I also regret staying with the father of my first child. I didn't know that he'd cheated until dc1 was 2 years old but there was a lot of other stuff wrong. I couldn't imagine not staying with the father of my child so tried to ignore all the signs. He was completely irresponsible with money and I paid off all his debts with profit from selling my house etc. So I spent my pregnancy and birth stressed about money (we both had good incomes but he always spent more than we had on things we didn't need), as well as other stuff. Found out he'd come on to a friend whilst I was in hospital with pregnancy complications.

A man who is out there actively seeking sex when his oh is pregnant is someone who has no sense of decency or scruples. Better to have found out now op and if you're like me, you'll never regret the relationship because you'll have your wonderful child.

Mix56 & EweAreHere - Yes have the evidence saved thank god.

Despite this I'm still wary to tell/show him everything I know as I feel like it will give him a chance to come up with some bullshit explanation and counter story.

To be honest I don't want this man in my life. It feels like two different people, the version of him I thought I was with up until a few weeks ago, and this warped, remorseless, lying version.

I don't know what he will be like or what other parts of him will come out if he knows I know 100%. He actually told me about some really horrible disturbing thing his ex did in the past (the last person he was with before me) and now I'm questioning if it was all lies, and if he will make up similar lies about me to the next person he moves on with - maybe this woman?

Cricrichan - I feel like that too, like because he's the father we should be together. If I hadn't seen the messages I probably would have tried to push my suspicions away.

It looks like this woman is a stranger rather than a friend/colleague. By the messages they also haven't met in person yet.. so it must have been someone he found online?

resists urge to spend my Saturday trying to find a dating profile of his..

Should I even bother digging any deeper or will it just lead to more anxiety and heartache?

I'm so sorry you are going through this Strawberries5, over the next few days/weeks he will show his true colours. He will systematically press each and every single one of your buttons to get a response. He will twist and manipulate your words.

Take a step back. Ignore his words and look at his actions. The two don't marry up.

My advice would be to tell your family and friends. Don't isolate yourself. I would ask for your keys to be pushed through your letterbox. I would also state you don't wish to communicate any further at this point and for him to respect your wishes. (This buys you time and gives a clear message) He will ignore your requests and override you and try to further manipulate the situation. He wants to control the situation. Don't allow him to. He will attempt to pull at your heart strings, you will use your unborn child as a bargaining chip for his own gain. He will make you think you are irrational and crazy. DON'T REACT. He will feed off your emotions.

He is telling you exactly WHO he is. Listen to him.

I bet he's on dating sites, most likely the no strings attached ones.

You will have routine tests for STD's as you are pregnant. Be honest with your midwife, they are there to help and offer support.

Hold your head up high, shame belongs to this poor excuse of a man.

I really feel for you

I have had a pathological liar cheater in my life before and they do make you feel like you are going mad. I too gave a million chances to come clean but he convinced me I was mentally unstable. I kept finding little things that concerned me - like money going somewhere from bank accounts but didn't know where.

When it all finally came crashing down, I was so ashamed too, because I felt like a fool.

I since discovered that the women he was cheating with or got with after me are all in the same boat, but he tells them I am a 'crazy ex' and all awful stories about me that aren't true. I'm glad I didn't waste energy trying to convince them he was the liar because he's SO GOOD at manipulation, you can't beat them. Playing into the game just creates more manipulation and pain, disengaging like you have is by far the best option for the time being. Regardless of what load of crap he will try and come up with, you know what you saw. You aren't going mad. He's lying to other women too. He's a horrible person. You deserve more.
I wouldn't waste more of my life presenting him with evidence - you will only hurt more when he turns it round into something else. Your silence to him is very brave ana I applaud you for that

I'm a single mum and it's far easier than having the burden of a horrible lying partner on you. You can do it

He sounds really manipulative, you don't deserve this at all, He's disgusting doing this to you, you can do so much better and you will.
To be so disgusting to cheat on his pregnant partner and then have the cheek to make you feel like the bad guy!
He's an emotional abuser and it will only get worse if you stay let alone having to put up with the fact he can't stay faithful to you.
Confide in your mum, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, you need to tell people so you can get the support you need from them don't feel like you can't tell anyone, they are there to help you xx

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry to read this and I can imagine every emotion you're feeling. I had similar happen to me whilst pregnant.

I hope you manage to have a good chat with your mum today, she'll support you :)

And if I was you, no I wouldn't bother digging deeper, you don't need more shit on your mind! You've seen the messages and that's enough!

Take some time out today,ignore him, you don't have to say anything to him

Firstly don't feel guilty or shamed by his actions.
He is the person with the issues and all you have done is trust him.No fault there.You have been wise however and followed up your suspicions so your instinct is working for you.

His messages are awful, just blame shifting and that is the sign of an emotionally 'unsafe' person.

I am so glad you have your mum.I have an older daughter and I would do anything to protect and support her, so lean on your mum.

Being manipulated and deceived is hard to take on board as it's alien to most of us.You are most likely 'trained' to look for the best in people so it can be hard to let reality sink in.

I don't think you could find anything that would make you feel better. You have found enough to confirm your suspicions. You have also received enough messages from him to show he's not the partner you deserve.

You don't owe him a relationship. Even if he were perfect but you had had enough you would be justified in breaking things off.

The screenshots etc are for you. You won't get the acknowledgement and apology from him that you want, so I wouldn't bother torturing yourself confronting him.

The fact that he was messaging someone else not only while he was in a relationship with you, but while he was lying a foot away from you in bed, is just revolting. He has no boundaries.

Very best of luck for the remainder of your pregnancy and beyond

As for dating sites - frankly I think that's pretty much a given. Even my ex was doing it 8 years ago, that's where a lot of the money was going from his account and why he didn't pay any of the bills. He insisted on moving in with me, then didn't/couldn't pay any bills because he wouldn't close his accounts online dating/sex seeking. Also money for hotels to shag them in. So our finances were a lie too. I didn't know why he was always skint and he got his statements redirected to his parents house. It just so happened I was there one day by chance without him and saw one on the side and opened it. We limped on another 6 months after that because of the lies ana manipulation. Whatever evidence you confront a liar with, they will twist it. The evidence is for you, to know you aren't crazy. I wouldn't go looking for accounts, he will just tell you that they are old ones before he met you, or you didn't have enough sex with him blah blah blah. Something horrible

You are not required to prove anything. It's not a court.

Tell him you are ending it and there's nothing further to discuss because you've given him that small window of opportunity already and he's chosen to continue with his lies.

Moving forward, you can't see how you can coparent with someone you can't trust.

Nobody - absolutely nobody - will believe a pregnant woman who was about to move in with the father ended the relationship on a whim.

If it's your word against his, people will believe you.

That will make him feel the same way he's made you feel all these weeks. Weak and powerless.

Because he can't turn anything around if you refuse to engage in his game and only speak with actions.

Honestly I'd just message him its over you've seen the messages and you don't want to talk.

You'll contact him once the baby is born.

Then block.

The waiting for messages is just extending contact that isn't necessary as what he thinks/feels is unimportant.

Good luck OP.

Strawberry, you poor love, please tell your Mum, she'll be there to love and support you, that's what you need right now.
Get the locks changed as soon as possible, it's not a big job.
I understand your wanting to keep it quiet, but the shame is all his, don't keep his dirty secret Sweet, he doesn't deserve any loyalty.
Don't bother conversing with him either, let him sweat it, he is a low life rat, don't put him on the birth certificate. 💐 You'll be fine.

Remember, he will tell you he never went through with it, it was just for fun.
(hahaha) & tell you he, was feeling left out, you weren't fawning paying any attention to him, you weren't giving him enough sex....
He will make it your fault. Well that's just fine then, so he isn't happy, he can take his miserable lying manipulative arse & continue to fuck up someone else mental health.
Do NOT give in

Troll makes a good point that you don't have to prove or justify anything. Just end it in the way that suits you best.

I've experienced the "I'm so sorry I can't live without you" and then 2 secs later "[insert some kind of nasty/gaslighting comment]" - they swing from one to the other to keep you off balance and engaged. The ONLY thing is to completely disengage, move forward on what's best for you and don't ever ever believe any of the BS he will come out with - whilst you're communicating with him there's so much more chance of him grinding you down and you ending up taking him back.

He's not going to get better, nothing magical that you say will change him because he's fundamentally flawed and also highly unpleasant.

Life with him ongoing would be awful and you and your baby deserve way better than that. But you can expect a continuation of the throwing his toys out of the pram behaviours for a little while (which will only continue for longer if you engage with it - like trying to placate a toddler having a tantrum - you have to let it run its course don't you!).

Very very hard for you and I do feel so sorry that you've ended up with a dullard like this - he's the one with the problem, not you. Cast him out, go forth and be happy.