It's happened - I've seen proof he's cheating

[Strawberries5]

After being gaslighted by DP for several weeks, I have now found messages exchanged between him and another woman.

Before seeing the messages I was beginning to feel very guilty for my suspicions as he insisted I was being paranoid and it was breaking us apart, and I should trust him. One argument lasted over his mothers birthday during a family get together which I felt terrible about afterwards when he'd (almost) convinced me I was wrong.

I feel so sick, betrayed, hurt, let down and so much more. We had a happy relationship and rarely had any major dissagreements except over my suspicions.

In the messages he was asking the woman when she was free to meet up. There were lots of kisses and flirting and he told her he had been single for several months and was looking for something casual with the possibility for more.

Sorry for such a long post but I can't bring myself to tell family or friends yet.

I sent him a message telling him I knew everything and then couldn't bare to read his response or reply for several hours and when I checked I had multiple messages from him which were very long (he is usually a very brief/blunt texter). I still haven't told him the extent of what I know because the thought of discussing it with him has me on the verge of a panic attack. So although I can tell he is scared he is also sticking to his guns that he hasn't done anything and has sent messages which are quite aggressive and spiteful. Like he is furious with me for finding out.

I am also pregnant which is why I'm trying to think carefully before I speak and act. Partly to try and minimise stress (Ha!) and partly so I know what the hell I am going to do.

Sorry for such a long post. Any support or advice appreciated!

Fuck that shit. No way! Let him go to court for PR if he is that interested .. so many stories of utter shits controlling women's lives because she has to ask fathers permission to change DC name or go abroad even when the father has abdicated all responsibilities and just wants the "rights". Why should OP automatically give this guy rights after the way he has treated her?

Hathaway that makes it a little better I suppose. He has to at least show up and convince OP to include him.

Back to the current issue: OP stay strong. Tell him you have seen his messages to other women and you know everything. Don't give him a chance to deny / minimise. Tell him he has continued to lie so it's over. Change the locks. Then tell him you are blocking him. And then block his number.

I just wanted to say to you, I broke up wth my DP when pregnant as he was emotionally abusive. We hadn't been together long and I just didn't know him well enough before I fell pregnant. At the time I felt ashamed, and terrified at the thought of doing it on my own. But you know what? Baby is 10 weeks old now, I got through the pregnancy, the early weeks, and I continue to get stronger, you can do it, and it'll be alot easier on your own than with a gaslighting cheater who is probably EA aswell. I actually feel great now and so glad I ended it. Sounds like you have some great rl supprt, dont be ashamed of his bad behaviour, let people be there for you. It hurts now but be strong, you can do it without him.

If you say anything to him, it can be 'I know what sort of person you are now, and that's not what I want or deserve to have in my life.' Avoid arguing over details of what he did and with whom. It's irrelevant.

Rubber the odds are much more on him being a shit father. I prefer to look for and expect the best for children. On that basis he can prove himself by going to court and demonstrating he wants to be a father, rather than OP having to give him the benefit of the doubt.

So sorry Strawberries. My advice is to not engage with him any further, he will find a way to worm himself back into your life. From experience, he will probably lie until he's blue in the face and then when confronted with proof, make up excuses and beg for forgiveness. If you don't talk to him, he can't do this!

If it's not too late then you can still decide not to have the baby at all. It's your choice, not an easy one but the choice is there and if it were me I would be giving serious thought to alternatives.

I have been in a similar situation and made a choice that I have never regretted.

How are you OP?

"Because he IS the father. What happens if he happens to be an excellent dad but a shit partner. Think of it from the kids point of view.

And yes of course he could take her to court but it's a costly process for BOTH sides"

Costly is thinking you are in a partnership and about to move in with someone and going on maternity leave... Only to find out you can't trust the other person, you can't afford to move out of your studio and it may take years to make the father pay any of the financial support that he is required to pay.

The OP cannot trust this man, so it's ludicrous to suggest she should give him the upper hand in controlling her life - if she wanted to move 300 miles away in 4 years' time, he could object. Even if he never saw his child up to that point, he can still object with parental rights and she would need a court order to move. That's bloody expensive.

The OP cannot trust this man, so it's ludicrous to suggest she should give him the upper hand in controlling her life - if she wanted to move 300 miles away in 4 years' time, he could object. Even if he never saw his child up to that point, he can still object with parental rights and she would need a court order to move.

This!! Thank you trolls

Yes I wouldn't put him on the BC so that you have more choice and freedom later on. He doesn't sound like someone who'll take responsibility for his child and is unlikely to want to contribute towards your child. If he does and you think he's a good dad you can always add him on to the birth certificate later.

But yes, you don't want to be tied down to such a man. If he does prove to be father of the year, not been on the BC will not stop him being a good father.

*not being

Thank you for all the replies ladies

I spent yesterday trying to clear my head. Since first finding the messages I've been getting really bad anxiety symptoms and having trouble sleeping because of heart palpitations (which have freaked me out a bit!) so I'm trying to avoid engaging with him for now, til I have my head straight. He seems quite certain that I haven't seen any conclusive evidence and that I'll 'come around' soon.

I haven't responded to his most recent messages yet, I'm still trying to come to terms with everything, and decide how much I will share with him. I definitely don't want to give him any fuel to use to try and provoke an emotional reaction from me.

I also met up with a very close friend and spoke to her about things, but left out the specific details (the content of the messages) and she was absolutely horrified.

I did show her the messages he has been sending me over the last couple of days and she was quite speechless! Which has given me a better perspective on things and made me feel less ashamed of it all. I am also going to be seeing my mother this afternoon

I'm glad you're reaching out to friends and family.

They'll help see you through this as you decide how you want to proceed.

I'm so glad you're seeing your mother today. I hope you get a chance for a big hug and maybe a big cry and that things seem much clearer soon.

Rubber In the 45 years since my birth certificate was written, it's caused me zero anguish that my philandering father is not named on it. As mentioned later, fathers on BCs now get automatic PR, and with this the potential for all manner of shit.

If he wants PR, let him fight for it.

How did your mum respond? Glad you're getting support xx