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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's happened - I've seen proof he's cheating

118 replies

Strawberries5 · 28/01/2017 07:52

After being gaslighted by DP for several weeks, I have now found messages exchanged between him and another woman.

Before seeing the messages I was beginning to feel very guilty for my suspicions as he insisted I was being paranoid and it was breaking us apart, and I should trust him. One argument lasted over his mothers birthday during a family get together which I felt terrible about afterwards when he'd (almost) convinced me I was wrong.

I feel so sick, betrayed, hurt, let down and so much more. We had a happy relationship and rarely had any major dissagreements except over my suspicions.

In the messages he was asking the woman when she was free to meet up. There were lots of kisses and flirting Sad and he told her he had been single for several months and was looking for something casual with the possibility for more.

Sorry for such a long post but I can't bring myself to tell family or friends yet.

I sent him a message telling him I knew everything and then couldn't bare to read his response or reply for several hours and when I checked I had multiple messages from him which were very long (he is usually a very brief/blunt texter). I still haven't told him the extent of what I know because the thought of discussing it with him has me on the verge of a panic attack. So although I can tell he is scared he is also sticking to his guns that he hasn't done anything and has sent messages which are quite aggressive and spiteful. Like he is furious with me for finding out.

I am also pregnant which is why I'm trying to think carefully before I speak and act. Partly to try and minimise stress (Ha!) and partly so I know what the hell I am going to do.

Sorry for such a long post. Any support or advice appreciated! SadFlowersCake

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 28/01/2017 08:29

Wow!!! Guilty conscience taking out his aggression out on you.

You've probably only seen a snippet of his messages too, he's probably been very good at deleting things, covering tracks, why he thinks you don't know

cariboo · 28/01/2017 08:29

If he were to come crawling to you, begging forgiveness and promising "never to do it again", would you want him back? Do you love him? Is the thought of being without him tearing you to shreds or are you more worried about being alone? These are the questions that I'd be asking myself if I were in your position. I'm a single mum myself, bringing up two DC and although it's tough, it's doable. So try not to worry about being "alone" because it is so much better to single-parent than parent with an asshole.

SmileEachDay · 28/01/2017 08:30

Ok. So call your mum, now. Let her look after you and her nearly grandchild.

Focus on that.

Original poster
Strawberries5 · 28/01/2017 08:30

Thanks for all the advice Flowers

I will speak to someone about it today, probably my mother.

In terms of him, I think me not immediately confessing everything I knew put his mind at ease that he'd 'gotten away with it' and he could play it off as being my paranoia (aka, being completely and utterly right!)

Should I tell him what I know? Ignore him?

I don't think I can bare to see him in person. Confused

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/01/2017 08:30

Please tell your Mum and your friends. You don't need to discuss anything with him!!!!

I would cut contact (perhaps a friend can dump his stuff on his doorstep for you) then sort your life out around what you want. Until after the baby is born he has no rights to have contact with you, come to appts or the birth or anything.

FlowersFlowers

Gallavich · 28/01/2017 08:31

He's still trying to gaslight you. He's an absolute arsehole.

SmileEachDay · 28/01/2017 08:32

Don't do anything about him right now. That can wait.

Penfold007 · 28/01/2017 08:34

Make sure you collect all the evidence you can as he will simply delete and deny. Don't be afraid of seeking help in RL. Let his family know why you've ended the relationship.
You've got somewhere safe to live which is good, you now need to check out what benefits you might be able to claim. As soon as baby arrives register the birth and give them your surname, then start a CMS claim. When is baby due?

RandomMess · 28/01/2017 08:35

X-posts you know him NOTHING.

It's up to you but you could just text "I have evidence, it's over, do not contact me. I will get in touch after baby is born" then block his number.

Or just text "It's over"

You don't need his permission to end it, doesn't matter whether there was an affair or not.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 28/01/2017 08:36

I'm sorry 💐

Something positive to take from this, is that you can trust your own instincts, you were right.

He's been gaslighting you, you can't go back from that. It's a nasty trait in a person & he won't change.

I know you're scared and don't want to be pregnant/have the baby on your own, but it's still FAR better than trying to do it with him.

No matter what he says, you need to stay strong & not be with him.

People say that you can 'get over' an affair etc but it's very very rare and only ever works when the person having had the affair takes responsibility for it and is prepared to put in a hell of a lot of work. This guy won't. You'll just spend your pregnancy & early months with your baby in complete misery. Don't do. Be strong & plan your life, with your baby in a positive way

You CAN do this 💐

TheGrumpySquirrel · 28/01/2017 08:38

Tell him you know everything and the fact he's still lying shows how little respect he had for you. Then tell him to go fuck himself. Don't waste another single second engaging with his mind games. You are not in the wrong!!

AussieGrrl · 28/01/2017 08:38

Don't tell him what you know, he will gaslight you and turn it on you. Let him squirm, that fact he doesn't know what you know will drive him mad and he might unwittingly let you know more than you already do. He sounds like an emotional abuser. I would consider not putting him on the birth certificate, do you want to have him in your life for the next 18 years?

Backt0Black · 28/01/2017 08:40

As PP's have said. Tell your Mum so you have someone in RL to talk to and to help YOU.

Not telling anyone is the quickest way to allow yourself to be talked round or coerced into hiding his shit... and then you're in for years of putting up with it. You deserve more for your life.

He very likely will try and talk you around - more for his ego than anything reading your posts he seems to get off on being able to manipulate your thinking and tell you that you are wrong while covering his vile behaviour...... he really seems to think that psychologically he is smarter than. I wouldn't engage in any exchange with him at all.

Just think - if thats a girl you a carrying, what would you tell her to do? and do that.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 28/01/2017 08:40

Do not put him on birth certificate!! Whatever you do.

He has no respect for you. He blatantly went looking for outside encounters. Tell him you know and that he's history.

BiscuitTinClarabel · 28/01/2017 08:41

What a shit he is. Please don't waste any more thoughts on 'what it means' - it means he isn't the person you thought he was i.e. not a shit or on feeling embarrassed. When we fall for someone it's not really in our control - it's in the name. You didn't know what he was really like when you had dinners with your mum. But you do now. Go and get a big cuddle from her while you work out what to do. Good luck and big hugs from me xxx

user1478860582 · 28/01/2017 08:41

I think you know the truth now so I think possibly, ring your mum as you have nothing to be ashamed of and then get your locks changed. He is then out of your life. Concentrate on building your family and friends network.

I think my next discussion with him would be in a few weeks regarding access to the child and child support. Other than that, do you have much else to discuss?

Meluzyna · 28/01/2017 08:41

Flowers Flowers Flowers

I am so sorry, Strawberries, but I agree with everyone who has said that someone who does this to you is really not worth being with. Telling other women that he is single when he has a pregnant girlfriend just shows how little he is committed to your relationship and fatherhood. And trying to make you believe that it's all your immagination is so low as to be practically in Australia.
Change your locks, dump his stuff outside the front door and go and stay with your Mum or friends for a week. They won't judge you, they will support you - you have done nothing to be ashamed of.
You don't actually need to say anything more to the Rat if you don't want to - he has betrayed you in the worst possible way - just ignore him - don't let him sweet talk you, you (and your child) deserve so much better.
In fact you need to think about whether you want him in your life for the next 18 years - do you need his financial support? I know that children are entitled to know their fathers, but things don't always work out like that, and personally I'd be having serious doubts about putting him on the birth certificate. If you do and then you meet a wonderful man who wants to adopt your DC you'll need the Rat's permission - not necessary if he is not named on the birth certificate.
Good luck, stay strong.

Original poster
Strawberries5 · 28/01/2017 08:45

Cariboo - at the moment I'm not completely sure how I feel. A part of me still feels like it isn't real at the moment. If he had been honest with me when I first had suspicions weeks ago maybe there would have been a chance to work through things, but after he has lied so shamelessly I don't think I could ever trust a word that comes out of his mouth.

Another message I've gotten from him is asking if someone we knew had been making up lies about him to me. Confused what a weird thing for him to come out with.

I think the not knowing what I know is playing on his mind.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 28/01/2017 08:46

I think his messages say it all, if he's not even prepared to put his hands up to what he's done and beg forgiveness now, when he's been caught out and knows he's hurt you I think it's safe to say you could never expect anything other than abuse and poor treatment from this man.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, tell as many people as you need to put a wall of support in place for yourself and let them convince you that the shame is all his.

I'm so sorry OP, it will be rough for a little while but nowhere near as rough as trying to make a go of it long term with someone you can't trust. Try not to worry about the big stuff like affording a 2 bed place for now, just look after yourself and get through each day for the time being, the big stuff will work itself out in time Flowers

Original poster
Strawberries5 · 28/01/2017 08:49

In previous messages I also expressed how shocked I was that he showed no remorse. His response: 'why would I, I've done nothing wrong and you have created this entire argument from nothing'

I'll try and stop quoting messages now as each time I write them I realise how truly pathetic they are. Which is probably a good thing to realise.

OP posts:
Adnerb95 · 28/01/2017 08:55

This is rubbish for you OP but the PP saying you have NOTHING to feel guilty or ashamed about are right!

He is being a complete arse and trying to project his own guilt on to you. Don't sign for it.

And those of us who are NOT manipulative bastards always run the risk of being taken in by those who ARE - so don't feel stupid for having been taken in by him. Instead, feel proud of having spotted the signs and having good instincts!

You are doing well in the circumstances and you WILL do well, whatever the outcome. Be brave and get the help you need in RL. Take care of yourself and your baby and know that you can get through this and have a good life.

Bless you Flowers

Adnerb95 · 28/01/2017 08:58

Oh and make sure you tell your Mum/whoever the whole story and give them the evidence. That way, if he tries to get you to doubt the evidence of your own eyes, they can help you stay grounded in the reality!

SuffolkBumkin · 28/01/2017 09:00

Strawberries I have been in exactly your position. I remember the physical reaction to seeing photos of him with OW. He turned very nasty,wishing me and the baby dead etc. Eight years on he constantly asks to get back together, but the scars run to deep.

I became very sick with pre-eclampsia, and had to have a EMCS. I nearly lost DD, and she was in hospital for a long time. So put yourself and your baby first, but I know it's easier to write that than do it.

CharlieBoo · 28/01/2017 09:06

Best advice i can give is to take one day at a time, don't look into the future too much. What s shock for you, what an absolute shit! How did you find the messages? We're all here for you, keep posting 💐

KnockMeDown · 28/01/2017 09:07

Sorry you are going through this, Strawberry.

How did you find the messages?

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