It's happened - I've seen proof he's cheating

[Strawberries5]

After being gaslighted by DP for several weeks, I have now found messages exchanged between him and another woman.

Before seeing the messages I was beginning to feel very guilty for my suspicions as he insisted I was being paranoid and it was breaking us apart, and I should trust him. One argument lasted over his mothers birthday during a family get together which I felt terrible about afterwards when he'd (almost) convinced me I was wrong.

I feel so sick, betrayed, hurt, let down and so much more. We had a happy relationship and rarely had any major dissagreements except over my suspicions.

In the messages he was asking the woman when she was free to meet up. There were lots of kisses and flirting and he told her he had been single for several months and was looking for something casual with the possibility for more.

Sorry for such a long post but I can't bring myself to tell family or friends yet.

I sent him a message telling him I knew everything and then couldn't bare to read his response or reply for several hours and when I checked I had multiple messages from him which were very long (he is usually a very brief/blunt texter). I still haven't told him the extent of what I know because the thought of discussing it with him has me on the verge of a panic attack. So although I can tell he is scared he is also sticking to his guns that he hasn't done anything and has sent messages which are quite aggressive and spiteful. Like he is furious with me for finding out.

I am also pregnant which is why I'm trying to think carefully before I speak and act. Partly to try and minimise stress (Ha!) and partly so I know what the hell I am going to do.

Sorry for such a long post. Any support or advice appreciated!

I'm so sorry this has happened. What a shit. Similar thing happened to me when my daughter was 6 weeks old. Such a huge shock and I cried for weeks. But you know what, in the end it turned out fine. My daughter and I had a very close relationship, still do, my parents were incredibly supportive and have a great bond with her too. And (after kissing a few frogs) I met an amazing man who is everything I could wish for. We've been together 8 years and I couldn't be happier. So what I'm saying is that I know everything feels horrible now, but it will get better and you will get over it, and actually it will turn out for the best. As pp said, better to find out now.

Ugh, so sorry you're going through this OP. I've been in exactly the same position. I was told I was paranoid, awful for accusing him, crazy etc. I also ended up snooping even though I felt awful about it and found explicit text messages. Hold your cards close. Don't tell him how you know but make sure he knows that you know, if that makes sense. Do you know this woman's name? Saying 'I know about you and HerName' tells him that he's definitely been caught. And then you'll get to see the lies. It was just a kiss/one night stand/okay an affair but long finished/okay still happening but I will end it. The moment he knows everything you know is the moment he'll start working out a story to put him in the best light and make you feel bad.

Please please phone your best friend or your mum and tell them everything - you need a lot of support, and you have done nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of or embarassed about telling people - that's all his and his alone. The time to talk to him will come later when you're feeling stronger and able to deal with him. Block his number, change your locks, go to somewhere where you will be away from contact with him and where you will be looked after. You're in shock and there is nothing that needs dealing with immediately other than making sure you are ok. You're embarking on the adventure of a lifetime having a baby - yes it's hard at times but also the best experience ever and you have so very much to look forward to. Get your phone out and ring someone you trust and who loves you. This is all his loss, not yours

I'm sorry

And like everyone else said, you don't need to justify yourself. He knows what he's been doing. My motto was 'do not engage'. I told him that was it and everything he came back with the latest story/challenge, I just ignored him. He soon gave up and said to me it was like I put up a wall. That's exactly what you need. A mental wall with you on one side and his nonsense on the other.

And like everyone else said, you don't need to justify yourself. He knows what he's been doing. My motto was 'do not engage'. I told him that was it and everything he came back with the latest story/challenge, I just ignored him. He soon gave up and said to me it was like I put up a wall. That's exactly what you need. A mental wall with you on one side and his nonsense on the other.

And like everyone else said, you don't need to justify yourself. He knows what he's been doing. My motto was 'do not engage'. I told him that was it and everything he came back with the latest story/challenge, I just ignored him. He soon gave up and said to me it was like I put up a wall. That's exactly what you need. A mental wall with you on one side and his nonsense on the other.

Whoops premature post!

My baby has an asshole for a father too 😔 I'm 27 weeks and found out just after Christmas. I actually feel better? In a strange sort if way.... that I know I'm not insane to have had this sense of general unease for so long..... I wish I had tried to find out sooner..

Are you going to continue with the pregnancy? The practicalities are overwhelming me right now 😥

Make sure that you have a record of what you have seen so he can't just delete and say you imagined it. This is definitely a Ltb scenario.

It sounds like he will just come up with a story if you show your evidence, so I wouldn't bother showing him.

He will continue to deny, because that's the cheaters mantra. Deny deny deny.

I'd just say... "I know you've been lying, you know you've been lying and I have nothing more to say on the matter. It's over." When the baby is born, I'll let you know. (assuming you want him to pay for child support). Even though he's a worthless piece of crap, he has the right to a relationship with his child.

Was the baby planned?
Is he happy about it?
Does he have any other DC?

Do you think he'd be a good dad?

And tell your mum, mums are best. We are lucky to have em.

I wouldn't look into it any further. I'm afraid you have to assume the worst with him as he is clearly capable of lots of cheating.

You probably fulfilled a need he had to appear like a normal guy and also looked after him somehow. It is not your fault you assumed the best in him. That's a good quality for you to have - to give people the benefit of the doubt and look for the best in someone. It's his problem he is antisocial and has no empathy. You can't change someone like that either.

Concentrate on your pregnancy, on how you are going to raise your child and think worse case scenario that he is not willing to pay maintenance etc as with people who compartmentalise like this this is a distinct possibility.

Actually, I personally think your baby is better off without him in your lives but sadly you won't be in control of that as he is the father and if he wants contact he will have it. You just have to ensure the child is aware any crap behaviour is not their fault either and that they were very much a wanted child. But all that is a long way down the line. You don't have to worry about that much for now, especially if you are going to breastfeed.

You can do the pregnancy on your own - you just need to make your nest and have yourself feel physically and mentally secure. Which means changing the locks if he has a key, sorting finances for mat leave and beyond and getting your family involved every step of the way.

He sounds awful. My cheating ex actully swore on his own child's life there was nobody else, the next day I found the messages. I had been feeling something for a while. I threw him out and he moved in with her a week later.
And yes he will make up lies about you, mostly because he's a liar and also because men like this love to play the victim.

My ex had a lying cheating ex (irony is one of his talents), a bitter and controlling ex he left with a baby and me the psyco bitch.

He doesn't have a right to contact with the child. It's all about the child's rights.

If it's in the child's benefit to have contact and an actual relationship with him, then that's what OP must facilitate. But it's by no means a given.

You do need to speak to the people in your life who will support you. I kept hold of my DD's father until she was a month old because i thought i needed him for practical and financial help. I absolutely did not, keeping him around was harder becuase i had to do everything for him and worry about his things when i should be focusing on baby.

I told the midwife how much i was doing for him and she referred to social services who got me to move in with my family. I ended up telling my brother everything and he has been the most supportive person in keeping my ex away.

Financially when the baby is born you get child benefit of £82 pcm and if your wage is less than £20k you will get tax credits, im on 17k but becuse first £100 pcm of any matenity is disregarded and i am on stat maternity for 1 month this tax year my wage is only counted at 14k and i get ~£300 pcm which will go up in april to nearly £500, these tax credits are the only thing that allow me to pay off the debts my ex built up in my name as he will not give me any money for dd or otherwise. Seriously go on entitled to and work out how much tax credits you will get as i was quite suprised and it does help.

As they say living well is the best revenge figuring out that i did not need him and never did helped me move on, and i found that with my brother for practical help and the tax credits financially that was totally true.

Aand i forgot to say that he does not go on the birth certificate if he is not present at the appointment, you are not allowed to put him on if you were not married. (If you were then it would still be your choice to put him on if he is not there)

As horrible as it sounds he does not have any rights if not on the birth certificate and he would not be entitled to contact. If you don't acknowledge him as the father he gets no rights until he gets a dna test

Im currently playing this out about contact - my xp had been living with us for a month so i do let him have contact, which he frequently misses, if he does go to court - which he threatens constantly- i can show that i have arranged access to the best of my ability even though he wasnt on the bc

Firstly, you mention he has keys - change your locks. Get someone out to do it now.

Secondly, you don't need to snoop further - you know what you know and nothing else is going to change the fact that he is an utter cuntweasel.

Send him a text saying that you have seen the messages, there is nothing further to discuss and he shouldn't contact you further, then go to your mum's.

On Monday, get in touch with the council and find out what you are entitled to in terms of support/benefits. It is a million times better to have a baby alone than with an abusive, manipulative asshat like this.

You deserve more, but more crucially, so does your baby and it's your job now to make sure that happens.

You can do this!

Don't think it's anything you have done.. These cheaters always blame the other half its highly annoying and pathetic!
My friend went through similar and knew something was going on but he kept telling her it was all in her head and paranoid. He was rude too and really argumentative with my friend crying her little heart out. Bloody idiot man il tell you!! 😡
Just stand your ground he's the one in the wrong! Congrats on pregnancy and be strong honey x

Can I just ask - if the father is not on the birth certificate, does he still pay maintenance?

Yes. You can still make a claim for maintenance. He would have to prove he wasn't the father.

My daughters so-called-father claimed he'd broken down on the motorway so he couldn't attend the registration of her birth. He then tried to claim he wasn't the father.

I put in a claim for maintenance which was successful, however, he's now failing the security questions (on purpose) so hasn't paid anything for over a year. He also only paid the minimum amount. For about 3 weeks? Claimed he was only earning £48 per week? Then he started claiming benefits or some description? He's actually self employed. Now going by a different name...

It's not through CSA anymore. It's through the CMS who don't seem to know their arse from their elbow...don't enforce payments either.

Strawberries, I am so sorry. You will be in deep shock. Please confide in someone who will be there.

If you need online support, which in the dead of night can be very helpful, read the website Chumplady for insight and support about your situation. Also lean on MN; I had fantastic advice which I still re-read.

Try to eat what you can and look after yourself.

It's the lying. This is why "women are crazy". We're crazy because we believe our guts and the evidence before our very eyes, instead of the lies that come out of cheaters' mouths. We're "crazy" because somewhere in those guts we know That's Not How You Treat People, but they keep doing it anyway and they absolutely refuse to admit it's wrong. We're "crazy" because we might want to remove ourselves from abusive situations. We're "crazy" because we don't believe that he can just fuck anybody he likes and then come home with diseases and the family coffers depleted. OP, honestly: who's crazy? Him or you? Answer: not you, but living with the stress of him gaslighting you (and it IS stressful!) is doing you damage. BTW, the fact that you're even confused about this makes me wondrr how long amd hoe thorpighly hes been doing a number on your head. Bottom line, which version of the world do you want to live in, his or yours?

Fuck that.

The baby deserves one or more parents capable of acting like adults and putting him/her first. In any case, OP can't put this man on the birth certificate without his consent and attendance, because they aren't married.