Just found out my wife has cheated on me.

[Glenoxo]

Hi all. I'm sorry for any breaches of etiquette, what with me being a man and all, but I've no idea where to go and no-one to turn to, so thought the anonymous masses might be able to offer me some advice.

It's 2.17am and I've just caught my wife cheating on me.

We have four children together (12, 10, 6 and 4), and have been together for 18 years since she was 17 and I was 18. Until two weeks ago I didn't know anything was wrong. Then it all changed.

When out for a date night with her she told me that she wasn't happy, that our marriage was failing and she thought we were on different paths. Over the next week we talked and talked and I discovered that she felt a bit neglected. I'm a school governor at two of our children's schools and had just become a parish councillor, and she felt that spending an evening or two a week out at meetings was too much. So the next day I resigned. I wasn't going to let that get in the way of our marriage.

Then I discovered that she has been talking increasingly wth a 20 year old guy at her work. She insisted that nothing had happened, but after lots of talk last night she realised that she had been effectively in an emotional affair with him. She had previously arranged to go out for a work party and stay at a friend's house overnight, before having a day of rest away from the children on Saturday. I asked her to think about everything we had and could have, and decide between him and us.

I admit it - I was suspicious, so when I noticed that one of her work party had posted that the evening had finished I did something I've never done in my life - I checked where her phone was. Using icloud I saw her phone was in a Premier Inn. It stayed there for an hour. I called and she claimed she was around her friend's house, several miles away. When I then asked why her phone was in a hotel she hung up.

She later messaged me to admit it. She says it's the first time it's happened, and that she needed to see if there was anything more to their relationship than an emotional connection.

I am devasted. I am heartbroken. I cannot breathe. I don't know how I am going to tell my children that their mother is leaving us. I can't picture a future without her in it. I can't get images of her with another man out of my head. I can't imagine how I am going to raise four children as a single father. I don't know where I'm going to get the money or the time.

I've never been so hurt. So alone. My world has collapsed, and I don't think I'm ever going to recover.

I need help. Please.

You need to stop and draw breath. This is a huge decision and will massively affect your children's lives. It is not a decision to be taken lightly or in the first flush of anger and disappointment.

Sit down with a piece of paper and decide what your priorities are. No doubt the children will come top of the list - you then need to ask yourself what is the best outcome for the children; and how might this be achieved because this what really matters.

I know you are hurt, but marriage is for better and for worse. Your wife will not be the first person to have been led astray when in the midst of the realities of child rearing and trying to hold down a job. This does not have to be the end.

But if it is, the only important thing to be discussing is the welfare of the children.

Of course Bob. Because if a wife has an affair of course the husband must have done something to drive her to it. And there's always "another side to the story". I'm sure if we go onto threads where the man has cheated there'll be lots of posts saying "It would be interesting to see his side of the story".

did you also read this that the OP said -

She knows that she will not be primary care giver unless the courts force it, and probably couldn't even then. I have a full time job as an Account Executive but that means I get flexible working arrangements from wherever I am. I work from home already a few days a week and plan meetings around the school run, which I do 7 or 8 out of the 10 a week (there and back). I also do my share of running the household, and as she can't drive I do all of the shopping, appointments and clubs.

She has a set number of hours to do out of a fixed location a 45minute-1 hour bus ride away.

That being said, I don't want to get ahead of myself here. I don't want to become adversarial. I want to find a working arrangement that suits our children, even if it means hurting my feelings. I'm a big boy. I'll have to take it.

Yes it's a different opinion Autumn. A disgusting different opinion. Not all opinions are equal.

The mother can leave the home but op has no right to tell her she has to leave the children behind regardless if she had an affair she has as much right as he does.

It's an alternative view..that is all.

And a harshly written one that is rarely worded in the same way ehen responding to a woman in the same situation.

Your point was fine, most people make such statements and sometimes need time before they get back on an even keel.

I doubt OP is able to hear how evil he is being, given the object of your sympathy has just slept with a 20 year old, despite knowing OP knows... and is claiming that good old Dangerous Liaisons excuse to boot!

Oh come on Janine, you surely can't expect people to read the whole of a post do you? It's much better to cherry pick excerpts to suit whatever twisted agenda you have.

That means nothing they both work full time just so happens op works from home, ops wife could easily reduce her hours e.g put a flexibility working form in at work. A judge would not rule in favour of the father on that alone, they certainly wouldn't because she had an affair, how many times do you think shes out her career on hold to go on maternity leave did op take turns on mat leave aswell?

I don't believe in staying together for the sake of the children, but the children need both their parents, unless one of them is seriously neglectful or abusive to them.

My point being you cannot just write out the wifes role as mother when she know doubt has been primary carer within the maternity period, she works but this can be adapted for her children. Having affair was a disgusting thing to do but she is not a bad parent. I expect keeping the children is a form of control as op couldn't control the outcome of the marriage. The use of ops language was very telling that he was informing his wife the conditions of her actions rather than two adults working together for the common good of their chidren.

One could also point out who worked after the dc when op attended several government/ council meetings?

Regards if hes since quit she was present when he was away for them

Yeh right Under. He's had his life torn apart, the first thing you want to do is to try and protect the rest of it. Why shouldn't he want to be RP? And you think that's a sign of EA. Fucking hell, this place sometimes.

Autumn you are not wrong i picked up on the same thing

You didn't 'point out' Autumn. You stuck the knife in and twisted.

People split up all the time and have shared custody, it was clear in his statement that the consequences of her actions meant he had full PR. That's not two parents working in the interests of their dcs

So you're just unintentionally like this? I wonder what you're like when you do mean it. The very fact you call this a debate just highlights that you have no empathy at all.

Dangerous Liaisons:Valmont tells the utterly distraught Tourvel, who has given everything up for her love of him (including her God) that his actions are "beyond my control"

Just as OPs wife booked a hotel days in advance, lied, and then said she just "had to know"...

Not pleasant, emotionally abusive and, indeed, controlling!

i agree too with the people saying that shared custody, 50/50 should be the absolute ideal unless both parents don't want that, or one of them is abusive/some sort of properly bad parent. I understand that when you're angry and hurt, you want to lash out but it's best for the kids if they see both parents an equal amount if they're both pretty involved (which is how it sounds). Op obviously feels rejected, but you don't want to export that to your children feeling rejected even though I would fee that my whole family unit had been rejected, iyswim. But you need to hide that from your DC.

I'd be asking MNHQ to pull my posts where I accused the OP of being a pompous sod, and not being surprised his wife went elsewhere. But hey, this is only someone's life you're 'debating'. Lets worry more about some foul language.