Just found out my wife has cheated on me.

[Glenoxo]

Hi all. I'm sorry for any breaches of etiquette, what with me being a man and all, but I've no idea where to go and no-one to turn to, so thought the anonymous masses might be able to offer me some advice.

It's 2.17am and I've just caught my wife cheating on me.

We have four children together (12, 10, 6 and 4), and have been together for 18 years since she was 17 and I was 18. Until two weeks ago I didn't know anything was wrong. Then it all changed.

When out for a date night with her she told me that she wasn't happy, that our marriage was failing and she thought we were on different paths. Over the next week we talked and talked and I discovered that she felt a bit neglected. I'm a school governor at two of our children's schools and had just become a parish councillor, and she felt that spending an evening or two a week out at meetings was too much. So the next day I resigned. I wasn't going to let that get in the way of our marriage.

Then I discovered that she has been talking increasingly wth a 20 year old guy at her work. She insisted that nothing had happened, but after lots of talk last night she realised that she had been effectively in an emotional affair with him. She had previously arranged to go out for a work party and stay at a friend's house overnight, before having a day of rest away from the children on Saturday. I asked her to think about everything we had and could have, and decide between him and us.

I admit it - I was suspicious, so when I noticed that one of her work party had posted that the evening had finished I did something I've never done in my life - I checked where her phone was. Using icloud I saw her phone was in a Premier Inn. It stayed there for an hour. I called and she claimed she was around her friend's house, several miles away. When I then asked why her phone was in a hotel she hung up.

She later messaged me to admit it. She says it's the first time it's happened, and that she needed to see if there was anything more to their relationship than an emotional connection.

I am devasted. I am heartbroken. I cannot breathe. I don't know how I am going to tell my children that their mother is leaving us. I can't picture a future without her in it. I can't get images of her with another man out of my head. I can't imagine how I am going to raise four children as a single father. I don't know where I'm going to get the money or the time.

I've never been so hurt. So alone. My world has collapsed, and I don't think I'm ever going to recover.

I need help. Please.

Pater sometimes 50:50 isn't actually the best for children (although if I'd been doing it and it was working for the children, I'd keep on doing it) and it's wrong to assume it would work in all cases - it often doesn't so I can't agree either that that is a 'form of BS'. I do acknowledge there are women who will use any trick/BS to manipulate things to the way they want - both the sexes do this and I imagine the courts have a time of it trying to tell who's genuine and who's not.

Yes, I agree, overall the courts are still VERY sexist places and I do agree that they favour the mother.

However.

There are MANY examples where mums are forced by the court to send their children for contact with their shitty fathers who are driving them round drunk, not making them feel safe and secure, or dicking around with the contact - then the risk of protecting their child has to be set against the risk of being fined or sent to prison if they put their children's needs first. Not all of the dads out there, sadly, are exemplars of how to be a parent on whatever basis it's offered to them.

And I would like to know why it is that if the 50/50 school holiday contact the judge ordered was only applicable to the non summer hols, but in the summer (apparently because my XH possesses a penis not a vagina) he only has to have contact with the kids for four of the 6.5 weeks. Another one to muse over.

So no, court is often not fair, sometimes to one party, sometimes to the other, and sadly and not at all uncommonly, often not fair to the children regardless of them saying' contact is for the child not the parents' which kid either get more contact than they can handle, or not enough.

Best advice to the OP, try and handle to the greatest extent you can, in the calmest way possible if it does come to a split and avoid the court altogether if possible. There is no requirement to go to family court if you split up and have kids.

I totally agree with you Greenfingeredfun - it's absolutely unacceptable what this woman has done.

Pollyanna - my exW lied through her teeth to the Court, some of which she got caught out on under cross examination. It didn't make a damn bit of difference to their final decision that they'd piss all over the 50:50 we had had in place (agreed between us, and happening without problems, but not written on paper because I stupidly trusted her promises), relegate me from that to eow and half the holidays and green light her moving the kids 180 miles away from me (the reason it was originally before the court).

My own history aside, the point I was making to the OP is perfectly valid. Whether you get FC to set access (and I'd avoid that like the plague - we both agree it's a deeply sexist institution) or you do it by agreement, get that agreement IN WRITING. Preferably drawn up and witnessed by your solicitor, if you can afford that.

Even after that, you're going to be totally at the mercy of the FC system anyway, if it ever gets there, but it'll be better than nothing and it'll keep both of you "honest."

"And I would like to know why it is that if the 50/50 school holiday contact the judge ordered was only applicable to the non summer hols, but in the summer (apparently because my XH possesses a penis not a vagina) he only has to have contact with the kids for four of the 6.5 weeks. Another one to muse over."

I don't really understand the point you're making there - 4 out of 6.5 is more than 50% - unless he has weekly contact normally which he doesn't do for 2.5 weeks during the school summer holidays?

If so, he's a lucky man. I'd give my right testicle to go back to seeing my kids even a few days more than the eow I've been shafted with.

My apologies, I have to have them for four weeks, he's only required to have them for the remainder.

Don't stuff up your wife's job by reporting her - however tempting - otherwise financially you could be paying out ££ through the nose to support her & the children. You need her to stay gainfully employed.

I'm so sorry this has happened. It's like a blow to the stomach. The best advice I can give is 'is it good for the kids?' And let that be your guide.

Thanks all for the kind words and support. It really means a lot.

Time for a quick update. I took some advice and got a good friend round this morning; he was brilliant and just listened and supported me while I started working through things. I told the kids I was ill, and they settled into the sofa for some movies.

My wife eventually called and we arranged for her to come round to talk. I got the kids off to my sisters before they have a sleepover tonight at the grandparent's.

My wife knew she was in the wrong. She knew it in the core of her being. Along with lots of talking, I pieced together what had happened. It started off as flirting, which led to kissing just before Christmas. She felt alive around him, though knew it wasn't a permanent thing. He just made her feel happy.

She only booked the hotel last Wednesday. She said she needed to know whether it was more than it had been up to that point. I actually caught them before they'd slept together, but in the panic after discovery she decided not to step back and think, but instead to dive in. She slept with him last night while panicked and drunk and while I was downstairs trying to get through to her.

What hurt more was that she then slept with him again this morning. Stone cold sober. Consciously.

I told her how I felt and it got through to her. She appreciates what she is losing, but just couldn't stop herself. Hell, just a few hours before we talked she didn't want to stop herself.

In the end I offered an ultimatum. I don't think it can work for us, but I'm loathe to throw away 18 years and a stable home for my kids for the sake of a desperate and sordid fling without exploring every option first. I explained that while I am in no way saying it is enough, that she had to call him before she left our house today and break it off. I also told her that one of them needed to leave their job and that we would need a lot of time and therapy of some sort to even begin to get started as well as some time apart. None of that definitely will work, but unless she does everything it definitely won't.

She called him and ended it, but not before a couple of hours of discussion and agonising. She's left now to stay with our friend who lives a ten minute walk away, though she will be coming back to speak with our children tomorrow and (without going into details) tell them what is happening.

I currently feel a bit better, more in control than I did, though I suspect this will soon change. Still, I set out my terms to even begin to think about negotiations, and she agreed. I'll still be getting ducks in line of course, but for now it's as much as I could hope for in the circumstances.

I know it's not worth the paper it's not yet written on, but she also said that she will be the one moving out of the family home. We'll need to talk this through more, but I don't want to rush anything while emotions are still so raw.

So, on the bright side I now have all options open to me and am in control of my emotions a little more. I can choose what happens next. I just want to be strong enough to actually do so.

And while I almost certainly won't, I still want to confront him and make him aware of just what he has done.

Thank you for the update Glen, I'm glad you got a friend to come round, a problem shared, is always halved.
Yes, still line your ducks up, just incase, one never knows for sure.
She sounds a little, like a love struck teenager, she's in for a big fall !
Try hard to maintain your cool, it'll pay you dividends in the end.
Good luck Lovely, you're doing brilliantly, stay in touch.

Of course you want to confront him, but it's good that you realise that it's a bad idea.
He won't give a stuff what he's done, he's 20 and an older more experienced woman let him in her knickers. Her family and children are irrelevant to him

Glad that you have some kind of "Hold" on the situation.

For the poster who didn't like my previous post... err...., it's reality. It may not be fair, it may want to make you hate me, but, as we see every day; Husbands who fuck about do not automatically lose the right to live with /share their kids.
Therefore, Wives who do the same are still entitled to be primary carer/other

She knows that she will not be primary care giver unless the courts force it, and probably couldn't even then. I have a full time job as an Account Executive but that means I get flexible working arrangements from wherever I am. I work from home already a few days a week and plan meetings around the school run, which I do 7 or 8 out of the 10 a week (there and back). I also do my share of running the household, and as she can't drive I do all of the shopping, appointments and clubs.

She has a set number of hours to do out of a fixed location a 45minute-1 hour bus ride away.

That being said, I don't want to get ahead of myself here. I don't want to become adversarial. I want to find a working arrangement that suits our children, even if it means hurting my feelings. I'm a big boy. I'll have to take it.

I'm glad you feel more in control and you seem to have got through a difficult day. I support the suggestion not to confront the toy boy. One day he will realise quite how much of an arse he has been. But at the moment he won't. In all of this you have acted with incredible dignity. I hope tomorrow goes well for you.

Maybe she won't want to have more than 50/50, This is hopefully not a done deal.
but she has had 4 children & has probably been there everyday for all 4,
It's not because you have a well paid position, & work sometimes from home that she stops being the primary person who historically has looked after 4 DCs.

My apologies, I have to have them for four weeks, he's only required to have them for the remainder.

Feel really sad for these kids, with at least one parent wishing they had them less. Hope they don't know their mum feels that way :-(

Mix56, but if a man worked longer hours than his wife, and did the school run once or twice a week, would you say he could possibly be the primary carer? Not sure if you're trying to convey how a court with a very old fashioned view might see things? Otherwise I don't get why you see the mum somehow being there every day for the kids more than the dad, when she just isn't, from what he has said?

I am neither supporting her, nor the OP.
The children are 4, 6, 10 & 12
I have no idea if she went back to work between the fist two, or the last two.
Maybe there was a nanny or au pair, maybe she has been assisted, maybe she is uncaring, who knows.
Mathematically I was suggesting she has been present as the primary carer, if so, its not because the OP has been wronged, has worked from home, or has been shopping that he has cared for the DC more.

What a kick in the teeth, that she slept with him after you called her. Just shows how little regard she has for you and your marriage. I couldn't forgive that.

She called him and ended it, but not before a couple of hours of discussion and agonising.

That she had to agonise and discuss that for two or three hours first would tell me that she's not actually going to stop this and it was clearly far more to her than a one off "scratch that itch" situation (speaking of which, please make sure you get yourself tested asap - she may very well have slept with him (or others) before this).

..but just couldn't stop herself. Hell, just a few hours before we talked she didn't want to stop herself.

She still doesn't. Sorry OP, but that's the way I see it.

My wife knew she was in the wrong. She knew it in the core of her being. Along with lots of talking, I pieced together what had happened. It started off as flirting, which led to kissing just before Christmas. She felt alive around him, though knew it wasn't a permanent thing. He just made her feel happy.

Complete self serving drivel on her part. She was caught out (this time) and decided "what the hell, I'll fuck this kid anyway." And then did it again in the morning. Even if she was a little tipsy the first time they did it, she's admitted they went at it again in the morning AND she'd preplanned it anyway, at least three days before she even picked up a glass. She didn't feel anything in her "core" other than contempt for you and your kids and her wedding vows.

OP, you're going to go through a really turbulent time, emotionally, before this all plays out. I've thankfully blotted out most of what I said and felt when I first found out, but I know it was a long while before I accepted my marriage was dead and buried. All I wanted, for the first few weeks, was for my exW to try again. I was prepared to forgive anything, allow anything (including an open marriage) and change anything rather than have it be really over. Just be careful that you're not feeling the same way right now. Some of what you've written above sounds a lot like you're trying to minimise what she's done to you, and you really shouldn't.

She was determined it seems. Like she knew it would be the irrevocable step but she took it anyway. Ppl in the midst of affairs are incredibly selfish. It's the mindset that puts them first - otherwise how could they do it? - and everyone else not. That's also a hard mindset to get out of when quite naturally you would expect her to be contrite and to do everything to make it work. I just wanted to warn you about that. It can be another shock to add to the shock.

I'm v glad to hear about the RL friend & sister supporting you. It makes such a difference having ppl to talk to.

Feel really sad for these kids, with at least one parent wishing they had them less. Hope they don't know their mum feels that way :-(

Or perhaps mom just wishes Dad was expected to step up to his responsibilities? That's given full time childcare over school holidays can be an expensive nightmare that she had equal support on it

You are doing great Glen. Keep being strong.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today Glen.

Great post by paterpower

Sorry you're going through this Glen

I personally wouldn't be able to get past the fact that when you called she hadn't had sex with him then did anyway, twice.

I'd assume this was just sex, a 20 year old isn't going to want to take on the responsibility of a women with 4 children, which was why the fact that it took her hours to call and end it rather than it be a instant decision or a non decision so very odd.

Has your wife said she wants to repair the marriage?

You sound such a caring father .Keep being strong Glen .

Minnies - because she presumably doesn't want to say goodbye to the attention & thrill & loved up hormones.

Not until reality hits does it lose its lustre and looks what it is. Not worth it. Tawdry. Often those who are unfaithful don't value or realise all they had until far too late. Too late because they've successfully killed off whatever feelings their OH had for them. At the heart of a relationship is trust and respect - and once gone it's very hard to build any r/ship on that.