Just found out my wife has cheated on me.

[Glenoxo]

Hi all. I'm sorry for any breaches of etiquette, what with me being a man and all, but I've no idea where to go and no-one to turn to, so thought the anonymous masses might be able to offer me some advice.

It's 2.17am and I've just caught my wife cheating on me.

We have four children together (12, 10, 6 and 4), and have been together for 18 years since she was 17 and I was 18. Until two weeks ago I didn't know anything was wrong. Then it all changed.

When out for a date night with her she told me that she wasn't happy, that our marriage was failing and she thought we were on different paths. Over the next week we talked and talked and I discovered that she felt a bit neglected. I'm a school governor at two of our children's schools and had just become a parish councillor, and she felt that spending an evening or two a week out at meetings was too much. So the next day I resigned. I wasn't going to let that get in the way of our marriage.

Then I discovered that she has been talking increasingly wth a 20 year old guy at her work. She insisted that nothing had happened, but after lots of talk last night she realised that she had been effectively in an emotional affair with him. She had previously arranged to go out for a work party and stay at a friend's house overnight, before having a day of rest away from the children on Saturday. I asked her to think about everything we had and could have, and decide between him and us.

I admit it - I was suspicious, so when I noticed that one of her work party had posted that the evening had finished I did something I've never done in my life - I checked where her phone was. Using icloud I saw her phone was in a Premier Inn. It stayed there for an hour. I called and she claimed she was around her friend's house, several miles away. When I then asked why her phone was in a hotel she hung up.

She later messaged me to admit it. She says it's the first time it's happened, and that she needed to see if there was anything more to their relationship than an emotional connection.

I am devasted. I am heartbroken. I cannot breathe. I don't know how I am going to tell my children that their mother is leaving us. I can't picture a future without her in it. I can't get images of her with another man out of my head. I can't imagine how I am going to raise four children as a single father. I don't know where I'm going to get the money or the time.

I've never been so hurt. So alone. My world has collapsed, and I don't think I'm ever going to recover.

I need help. Please.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Take all the time you need to get your head around this, don't make any rash decisions until you have had time to process this.

I've been in a similar situation, although I didn't "catch" the exW at it, she eventually told me and told me the marriage was over.

I can't begin to describe the pain of it, made worse by the fact that she'd been considering it and had emotionally detached long before. It's shock and grief you'll be feeling - exactly like someone close to you has just died - and you'll go through all the same emotional states as dealing with a death. Try and look after yourself. You'll lose weight (3 stone in my case), you'll be distracted and you'll probably want to pick the bones out of everything your stbx has said to you in the past and will say to you as she tries to "explain" why she fucked a guy barely out of his teens.

It's ok to get angry, but internalise it when you're speaking to her and concentrate on achieving whatever you need to in terms of the kids etc.

I'm sorry your Dad couldn't step up to the plate here (I mean, wtaf - a DOG takes precedence?!) so have you got any close mates or other family you can turn to? You're going to do a LOT of venting over the next 6-12 months, believe me, so you need people who are going to listen and let you get it off your chest.

Don't assume that "Family" court will have your interests at heart. They are, frankly, Neanderthal in their attitudes to the role a Dad plays and will side with Mum 9 times out of 10. My advise is not to listen to any verbal promises your stbx makes - they're entirely worthless as far as getting any sort of agreement is concerned. Don't take her word for anything. She might feel guilty for a (probably very) short while and then she'll start forgetting what she's done and she'll look out for what she considers her own best interests.

Get a solicitor, get everything down on paper as an agreement (and get her to sign) and don't go assuming that the verbal agreements you come to will be sufficient.

My exW broke every promise and agreement she'd given me verbally, and I damn well came to regret it when "Family" court then decided to piss all over the 50:50 we'd had for the previous 2.5 years.

I do find it entirely inappropriate (if I've read it right) that this 20 yr old is an apprentice at her place of work?! Jeez she could be in some trouble if that came out - yes he's above the age of consent and all that but someone having a sexual relationship with someone on an apprenticeship is dodgy territory - bad enough it's a work 'colleague' but the apprentice adds a whole other level of wrongness (or at least that's how it seems to me).

Sorry OP for what you're going through. Suck it up today for the benefit of the kids and don't say anything to them until you have had full and frank conversations with her and know a lot more where you are and what her thinking is as well. It's not necessarily over - you've got to work that out between you.

Hand holding. Glen you sound an amazing father. Enjoy your DC. Yes she has thrown away everything and I know how you feel. It's painful and raw but she is the one who needs to tell your DC what she has done. Have strength and dignity, yournDC will respect you so much for it when the truth comes out.

Op I'm sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like she's having a mid life crisis to be honest. She's 36 (?) with several children, the youngest of which is now out of the baby stage and she's probably feeling like she's getting older and is trying to recapture her youth / find out who she is. Clearly all horribly wrong and whatever else but I'd be more worried if it was with a man who was about her age who there seemed to be a chance of a future with - in this situation, with someone clearly inappropriate when she's never cheated before I would be thinking perhaps things could be saved. Of course she would never be able to stay in the same job / maybe even move together somewhere new etc.

Lots of talking and soul searching to be had clearly but I wouldn't make any fast decisions yet.

And I say that as someone who's now ex dh cheated on me with an old girlfriend he'd found on Facebook and upped and left for good in 2 weeks leaving me and dd then aged 6.

Didn't want to read and run.

This sounds appalling. Good on Bob and Pater for giving inspiring stories that they can survive this.

A good male friend of mine was sort of in this position with 3 DD's under 10, youngest was 18 months. His GF was a druggie/alcoholic but had an affair. They have a maisonette which he took on and brought up the DD's in it. He was lucky as he had help from his DM, DSisters and friends.

FFW to youngest DD who's now 8 or 9 and about 5 years ago he met a new woman they are very happy and he has had a toddler son with his new GF. The ex is still messing everyone about.

I personally could not forgive but would see this as a mid life crisis. Sounds like you are ready to step up and look after the DC. In a way you're lucky they are all of school age.

Good luck.

This happened to me just over a year ago. It was devastating.

You need some support. Call friends or relatives. Someone needs to give you some space to cry and rage. You are going to need some space from your kids and someone to talk to.

I found it hard to tell anyone at first because I felt like I was betraying the privacy of our marriage. It also made it real. Just tell some people and get some support. It's all going to come out sooner or later.

Your wife has behaved appallingly to you and your kids. This is not the way to end a marriage. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The fall out will be harder for her. She may look all happy and loved up right now but I suspect, she has no idea what she's doing. For me it was like watching my ex throw us all off a cliff and then leap over another precipice himself.

Don't worry about the future right now. You will need a clear head and to get the lie of the land before you do that. Give yourself a lot of time to grieve and recover from the trauma.

I'm actually ok now and I can see, that I will be absolutely fine with a bit more time. It took me most of last year to recover from the shock though and it's been a hell of a journey. My ex has behaved appallingly and made things difficult for everyone but other people have been wonderful and the kids, though very sad about what happened, are ok. My relationship with them is much closer and stronger than it was. They've seen a strength in me that they didn't know was there.

These early days are just about survival. I cried, ran, raged and talked and talked and talked. Get some real life support.

Xxx

There are some things that aren't necessarily going to happen.

1. the 20 yr old may not want to take on an older woman in reality
2. she may not leave, so up to you to decide if you want her now
3. no guarantee she will leave alone. its not because she has been unfaithful that she doesn't love her children
4. why do you suppose you will keep all the children ? It doesn't work like that

Are you the main carer, do you work as well?

Op you need to be calm and rationalise this, remember the forum that you are on is mostly women, and sometimes men get different advice than a woman would get. (There's a similar thread where a woman has found her husband cheating on recently too)

You need time away from your wife for a week or so to realise what it is that you want....today is far too soon, if you see your peacock ifs today I would be asking her to take a bag with her for a week or two.

In that week etc you need to decide if this is the end of your marriage, or if you think you can work through it. If it's at the end of the marriage you need to take the steps to end it, while protecting yourself and the kids. DO NOT LEAVE THE FAMILY HOME AND ALLOW HER TO MOVE IN

if you decide in that week etc that you think your marriage is salvageable, work out what you want and what your wife needs to do to achieve that. Also work out if there is more you need to put into the relationship to solve the issues, at that stage counselling could and should help.

Also speak to a solicitor now, just get their advice on what to do or not to do, as some small things done now can cause you issues further down the line.

I second getting a good solicitor but hopefully you won't have to use her. Be calm and careful with all that.

With the children the status quo is important. If she's swanned off and just handed you the status quo, she's an idiot and she could lose a lot.

Most families do not end up in court.

Mix56 No one 'gets' the children. They're not furniture.

Op.

Please don't feel it's your fault. She made that choice to cheat!

It's a wake up call, you need to leave! Yes it's gonna be hard but there'll always be trust issues and the possibility of it happening again.

Don't risk it OP, learn from this marriage and never make the mistakes you've made in your next relationship or marriage.

Be strong.

"why do you suppose you will keep all the children ? It doesn't work like that"

And there you have it, OP.

Unfortunately Mix is completely correct. The assumption, almost regardless of how hands on you have been, is that Mother knows/is best. She can do almost anything bar endanger the kids (and even then...) but the assumption will still be that she'll be better able to fulfill the RP role.

That's the bitter truth and best to be prepared for that, along with the attitudes of some mothers who think that even 50:50 is going much too far ("kids need their stability" is always the excuse for that particular brand of BS).

Just sending suppose for you OP, hope the advice on here helps. The lack of sleep will compound everything so I hope you can somehow sleep a bit tonight. Hugs for you and I'm sure you will find a way to be strong for your kids in all this.

Sorry 'keep' the children. But point still stands.

The only way to do it right with the kids is to do right by the kids... Their feelings trump yours. And with respect Mix56, having an affair makes it much harder on the kids than it needs to be.

At the risk of sounding reactionary great parents don't usually have affairs.

Sorry you are going through this.

It looks to me that the talk you had before was setting it up to blame you for the EA; claiming you are neglecting her she trying to justify her actions to herself by blaming you.

Before you decide what to do remember that she may well not be being truthful about that being the first time. It is the standard response when a partner is caught cheating, an additional lie to try to reduce the impact of the first one.

Personally I'd change the locks and tell her to f##k of to her toy boy.

Do not change the locks, that would put you in a whole heap of legal trouble - small things like this are the reason you need to speak to a solicitor asap

Glen, Im so sorry your world has been rocked.
Please confide in close friends, they will support you, and help to ease the load.
Could you go for a long walk with the children, followed by a take a way, and a film ?
You will have to speak to her eventually, stash away any important documents.
This young brave, will not want to spend his life with a married woman with a few children, he's merely a boy. You can do this, you really can.
We'll be here around the clock, so don't be alone Lovely.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I know how much it hurts.

It helps if people know what you are going through and you can talk to them. Can you meet with a good friend tomorrow? Preferably someone you can call often if it gets a bit much the next few months.

Get a lawyer/solliciter (I don't know the difference- am foreign) to help you with custody arrangements and maybe get the debt equally divided.

I think that mister affair who is twenty years old doesn't want an older girlfriend with four kids. Sleeping around is a whole different thing than hanging around the house cooking for someone elses kids. At that age people tend to want to party. I think he will break up with her sooner or later. Do NOT take her back! She doesn't respect your marriage and will stray again.

And you WILL be ok again. Promiss! If you feel you get too depressed at some point then just get help. And a lot of strangers on the internet know what its like if you need to vent. It's hard, but you will get through this and become happy again.

If I were you and she doesn't play fair regarding custody of the children, I'd let her know I'd be informing her employers, her parents and her other family members.

Now this my knowledge as a HR Professional

I work in a LA and if I had a relationship with any of our apprentices, I'm pretty sure I'd be in breach of the code of conduct and potentially face disciplinary action. If she's in a position of giving feedback to his NVQ Assessor or commenting on his performance in any way, then it's definitely inappropriate.

Usually with apprentices you only get close to them if you're in some kind of mentoring, line management or other supportive role to them.

I see our apprentices very much like my children. I guide and advice them. I'm not sure how your wife went so far off track with it.

So sorry about this and that night wasn't their first in the hotel.

Didn't want to read and run. I've been in your position, 12 years ago now. I know just how devastated you must feel, and numb too most likely.

As others have said, take comfort in your children. Get your ducks in a row legally and financially and prepare for the worst. You will get through this. I agree it's probably over with your wife and you need to keep your cool and your dignity.

I'd advise you to do everything possible to avoid the kids feeling they have to take sides. Even if it looks like they're being drawn in, be calm and dignified. They will remember and thank you for it in the long run.

If she is totally honest and remorseful, and wants to try, you have a chance of saving this. But I think 99% of cheaters don't, they follow the Script. If so, yes your instincts are right and it's over. But remember there are good people out there and you can meet someone else. There's always hope.

I place apprentices as part of my job role, I would be outraged if he was one of mine. Serious crossing of professional boundaries there.

In fact, I think you need to make his College and the employer aware.

What Sandy said.
She has some serious boundary issues.
And people think no one notices in an office environment. They're deluded.